The Front Row
1. Loosehead Prop
Samwell Tarly - Jon Snow’s best buddy is naive as he is round. However, he does have that fat baby face that would make the ref say, “how could I randomly penalise a face like that?”
Davos Seaworth - His new-found ability to read means Ser Davos has always been trained to be player who needs to read the least.
3. Tighthead Prop
Varys - He’s niggled his way to the top with diplomacy – can he niggle his fat neck and bald bonce to scrum victory too?
Hodor - His height and communication skills make him an ideal lock, while his boy-carrying ability surely translates to ball-carrying ability.
Brienne of Tarth - Her sense of honour often lets her down at the breakdown, but her rather stilted manner means she’s a great lifting option.
The Back Row
6. Blindside Flanker
Jaime Lannister - That golden hand comes in handy when knocking down lineouts, or reaching around mauls.
7. Openside Flanker
Diana Rigg - This experienced old schemer comes with a wealth of tactics to get over the gain line in international diplomacy and internal politics. She also comes with a Tony Award for Best Actress, which is always handy.
8. Number 8
The Hound - While his ball-carrying is yet to be tested, he has a pretty interesting character arc. That hints at some underlying pathos, which is always an important characteristic of any good number 8.
Littlefinger - Despite not being a big guy, Littlefinger’s slimy nature and ability to piss people off makes him the perfect choice to be a scrumhalf. Displayed a good tactical kick when he punted Lysa Aryn down the sky well.
Daenarys – Let’s face it, she’s going to take over the main place and marry Jon Snow. She has white hair, he has black hair; her dragons breath fire, his name is Snow and he spends most of his time in north. Song of Ice and Fire and all that. Anyway, she’s flyhalf.
12. Inside Centre
Jon Snow - He doesn’t know a whole lot, but he does know how to set up a box play. Also teaming up at 10-12 with his future wife.
13. Outside Centre
Melisandre - “Normal” outside centres like Samu Kerevi barge their way through defences. Melisandre births ghosts out of her vagina to get past defences. To each their own.
Arya Stark – She’s small, she’s nippy, and she take on other people’s identities (like that of a respectable footballer). Just like every other winger.
Bronn - Not trustworthy enough to put at fullback, the mercenary man has been shunted out to the wing. Has a few street smarts.
Cersei - All her children are dead, and she it’s mostly her fault because she’s an absolute bitch. Therefore, in the Mike Brown mold, she’ll be a great fullback.