As Chief Commissioner I delegated The Selectors to confiscate Raewyn the babysitter's bong for long enough for her to hammer out the spreadsheet for the upcoming Taxmen vs Axemen fixture.
Yeah, that's not happening.
".....and THAT'S for the fucken bong."
Anyway, turns out there7s only TWO taxmen in the current match day XXIII. Shit-for-brains Matthew Ridge on the bench and evil bastard Glen Ella at fullback.
Raewyn did eventually highlight the taxmen in blue and the sex crims in red. No, I don't think we should call them "The Sexmen."
1 Parmeet Dabas: murdered 3
2 Henry Tromp: killing a farm worker
3 Bees Roux: cop killer
4 Rudi Virage: shot and killed his 19 yo daughter.
5 Michael Quinn ©. Melbourne Chargers. Kiddie fucker. He won’t even survive the first ruck.
6 Pita Wilson: kidnapping and assault
7 Joseph Ntshongwana: killed 3 with an axe
8 Marc Cecillon: performing the eternal willie-away on own wife
9 B.Kelleher: drunk and disorderly + innumerable crimes, many of them against All Black heritage. VICE Captain (haha, "Vice", get it, that's even worse than being regular captain of these arseclowns)
10 Paddy Jackson: rape
11 Eric Rush: careless driving causing death and injury
12 Japie Mulder: teen rape
13 Craig Wells. raping children.
14 Alejandro Puccio. triple kidnap/murderer
15 Glen Ella: nicking 20 million from kids charity
Bench
Tim Bristow: Banned from rugby for life in 1962 for knocking out 8 opposing players.
James Dalton: attempted murder
Carl Hayman: wifebeater
Sione Luaaki: trashing motel room/charged in with assault at a Tron bar/charged for careless driving and crashing/guilty of dropping 5 passes in one half of test match rugby football while playing for the New Zealand All Blacks.
Mark Catchpole: busted for dealing drugs. 9 months P.D
Stuart Olding: rape
John Payne: crippling someone in a bar fight.
Matthew Ridge: property development company went bust owing tradies & suppliers millions
Wider training group
Andrew Hore: killing seals
Lorenzo Bocchini: breaking bad meth cook
Tony Woodcock: drink driving
Keith Murdock: punching a pom in 1862 and maybe killing some bloke in the outback
Ali Williams: coke bust and general gormlessness.
Dillan Halaholo: sustained carpark wanking. Doing it for the kids.
R.Brooke (trying to root some kid up in the islands or something?)
Scott Higginbotham: assaulting cops
mafi: kidnapping
Willie Anderson: nicked a flag on tour in Argentina. Think bigger, Willie.
George Smith: charged with assault
Cliff Palu: weekend detention for assault.
Matt Henjak: broke Haig Sare's jaw
Jimmy Cowan: assaulting 2 bouncers. Plus stuffing up Auckland Blues backline for a season
Doug Rolleson, pokie machine money fraud: not for personal gain hence no jail
W.Ripia: looting own team dressing room haha.
Steve Pokere, helping fleece his fellow Mormons of $3.9M, 2 1/2 years jail.
John Ryan: busted for an attempted armed hold-up.
Regan King: borrowing chicks $$ to fuel gambling addiction
Brian Lima GBH
Losi Filipo: bashing up four, 2 of them women.
G.Moala: bashing people up on K Rd.
James O'Connor: cock I mean coke bust. (VERY handy bench option here, covers fullback, wing, the whole fucken backline. get set for a long tenure here, shit-for-brains)
Mitchell Scott: convicted of assault
Sevu Reece: bashing up his missus
Sivivatu: domestic violence against his girlfriend/wife
Cameron Shepherd: jumping on parked cars outside the Star Casino. Needs to find more cars. A lot more cars. And maybe another casino.
Roger Randle: suspected rape
Doug Howlett: jumping on cars post world cup exit
Khunt: distributing cocaine and not offering me any at all.
Zac Guildford (naked pissing and beating up an old bloke in Rarotonga)
Wendell Sailor: failed drug test for cocaine banned for 2 years
Yamanaka: failed roid test, banned for 2 years 2011-2013. Bonus points for saying he was "just trying to grow a moustache"
tHE sTAFF
Selectors:
Aunty Doris
Aunty Raewyn from up the shops
her niece
Raewyn the babysitter
the baby
a very confused Wayne Gunston
Official Team Mascot:
Nick Phipps in a cow costume
Coach:
Rob Howley: gamblin
Laptop analysis:
Quade Cooper - computer theft
Team Masseuse:
Alan Jones – public bogs gay sex solicitation
Video Analysis:
Alan Jones – re; bogs film at 11
Treasurers:
Nick Farr Jones and Rob Howley
Security:
Doug Roake: murder, robbery. although no deaths under his watch at Richie’s wedding. Well done, shithead.
Team Bus Driver:
Dan Carter – drunk driver
Groundskeeper:
Tony Daly - 500 hours community service for serial theft and driving offences
Ballboys:
Dave Alred and Paul Stridgeon (?)
Equipment/ball maintenance consultants:
David Warner
Steve Smith
Darren Lehmann
a few shady backroom bastards from the New England Patriots.
Physio, in charge of, you know, taping stuff:
Cameron Bancroft
Social Media manager:
Israel Folau
