HELP NEEDED with daily news

[Dismal Pillock]

Local Despot Has Failed Family Crest Maker Melted Down And Sprayed Onto Failed Family Crest.

--NY Times--

A local despot, disappointed with a family crest that was lovingly hand-crafted for him over the course of the last 3 years, has had the craftsman responsible for the off-colour artwork melted down and sprayed directly onto the crest.

“I ORDERED GOLD. NOT FUCKING YELLOW.”

“If I wanted fucking yellow I would have asked for fucking yellow” sneered the vicious despot. “Keep it? No, I’m not going to fucking keep it. It’s not gold. Like I fucking asked for. The dogs seem to like licking it, perhaps they can smell something on it that I cannot. I’ll mount the yellow piece of shit in the servants quarters, to serve as a daily reminder to those gay black faggots down there as to what will happen if they fuck up too.”

“Yellow? I piss on yellow.”

“Now? What am I doing right now? Obviously, I’m pissing all over this fucking servant that I’ve just kicked unconscious, that’s what I’m doing right fucking now. Cameras still rolling? ROLL ON, SONY MOTHERFUCKERS.”

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Ivanka Trump Buys Holocaust Memorial Wall To Use On Mexican Border.

--USA Today—

While visiting Berlin, Germany, the daughter of President Trump has today bought the entire Holocaust Memorial Wall with the intention of putting it to use on the U.S/Mexican border to "keep those little fucken Mexican wankers off of my Daddy’s back yard."

“Very good. Looks solid enough. Those annoying little spic fucks will never get through this c**t.”

Ivanka went on to say, “I think it’s wonderful, perhaps even fitting in a way, that I buy this wall from you, the Germans. You see, the Mexicans are to us like the jews were to you.”

“Hahaha, very funny, look, just show me how to make more wall and get on with it c**ts.”

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Local Pedo Misunderstands Concept Of “Sex Trafficking.”

--Wollongong Gazette--

A local pedo looking to branch out into a bit of “sex trafficking” has apparently crashed his car after completely misunderstanding the concept of “sex trafficking”.

“Your Honour, I am
guilty of sex trafficking.”
--Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.

Mr Saint initially confessed to traffic officers at the scene of the crash of “sex trafficking” but then afterwards, having had the concept of sex trafficking actually explained to him, responded to his legal representative by stating “no, no, I don’t want to buy any more little boys, I can hardly keep up with all the little poofs locked in my basement already. I’z just tooling around the roundabout in the Datsun while giving the wee Magic Dougal a frisky tickle and then hello, bam, me and Dougal came a fucken cropper with a lamp post.”

Mr Saint was let go with a stern warning and a lollipop although it remains unclear as to why he requested “13 more lollipops for all the stroppy little fuckwits in the basement.”

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Local Pedo Misunderstands Concept Of “Animal Husbandry.”

--Wollongong Gazette--

A local pedo looking to branch out into a bit of dogfucking has visited his local dog pound but sadly completely misunderstood the concept of “animal husbandry.”

“Animal husbandry? Get fucked, I'm not in it
for the long haul with Fido. I’m just some randy
c**t looking to spice up his love life a bit over here.”
--Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.

After having a long and extremely heated conversation at the animal shelter, Mr Saint was finally convinced that no, fucking a dog does not make you the animal’s legal husband and, no, the dog pound does not rent out dogs for the night and, no Sir, it’s not a brothel, and, finally, no Sir, dog pound's do not currently have “extradition treaties” with nearby neighbouring zoos.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Local Pedo Misunderstands Meaning Of “Pedometer.”

--Wollongong Gazette--

A local pedo has slightly completely misunderstood the meaning of a “pedometer”.

“I thought it was some fucken device the cops attached to the electricity meter to monitor my pedo activity.”
--Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.

“Turns out it’s actually more like an odometer for my dick” continued the confused pedo. “I can buy one myself and attach it somewhere, like say, all up and down my dick, and set off and use it to monitor how far I walk. As a pedo this is very handy for me as I make my way from playground to playground. I need to pace myself at times. It can get pretty taxing keeping up with the kids these days. I’m not getting any younger and some of these kids are quite young. It’s not all beer and skittles being the local pedo, you know. It’s actually more like all beer and lollipops.”

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Govt Minister Spends Japan’s Entire Pension Fund On Corrective Cock Surgery.

--Japan Today--

It has been revealed that a local government minister has recently spent Japan’s entire pension fund on corrective cock surgery for himself and for his dog. “We both needed it” justified the Minister. “We were both born with crooked cocks. No dog and its master should suffer the pain of a lifetime together with identically crooked cocks.”

“Minister, this receipt says you spent 300 billion yen on corrective cock surgery for you and your fucking dog? What the fuck?”
“Not entirely correct. The dog and I actually had a surgical procedure done to exchange cocks. His was slightly bigger.”

The Minister has a history of wasteful spending. Last year he blew Japan’s entire Road & Infrastructure budget on a hairpiece for his dog. The year before that, the annual pension fund allotment was all spent on a solid gold 5-storey shitting castle for the exclusive use of his dog.

“No, of course I did not spend all of the tax money on a hairpiece for myself. Don’t be ridiculous. It was for the dog. He’s a really great dog. The hairpiece perfectly complements the wonderfully straight cock. What the fuck is the problem here?”

 

[Dismal Pillock]

i chundered out some more shit news stories but stuoidly realized I cant really post them on the internet as they are unfit for all human consumption. Tempted to run them by pm to cyclo but I don’t want to bleach his brain again and cause him to have even more brown-reason-to-live acid flashbacks during his highly fiddly cock surgery. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t want anyone else’s cock blood on my hands.

Weirdly a seppo indie book publisher has told me he wants to compile my shitty news stories into a BOOK. Wft? Why? After about 20 emails back and forth, mainly just me trying to establish who the fuck put him up to this pisstake email, I think the madman might actually be serious. What an idiot. May as well just take his money and tape it to random trees in the forest even before they cut the fucken trees down to make the fucken books

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Japan To Publish Own Bible.

--Japan Times--

Japan, renowned for its insular & xenophobic ways, is said to have grown sick of the “gaijin bible” and is set to publish their own version of the all-time best-selling fantasy novel. “Foreigner bible is Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. It is 100% gaijin” lamented Japan’s Minister for Upskirt Haberdashery, Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Japan Bible is Momoko, Mari, Luna and Janet in their togs at seaside captured through Nikon XL.003 telephoto lens from 200 yards.”
Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Old gaijin bible version from Roman days is little to no Japanese representation” continued Dr Sato. “Japan is not breaking bread and red wine parting sea. It is what the actual fuck. This is foreigner fantasy in foreigner land. Breaking bread? Japan national dish is scalded dolphin embryo delicately garnished with whale nits. Fuck bread. Besides, modern Japan today prophet is all 13-year old girl in togs, preferably with own series of high-gloss photobook. Preferably it is I want autographed copy. I have many such religious artifacts. It is like deep sea scrolls for chipmunk-speed masturbation. I wait in line for each new age parchment. I wait overnight. I take thermos. And sleeping bag. It is girl of youth that is worshipped idol of Japan, therefore religious deity. Not some gaijin sandal-wear hippie carpenter gaijin man. Japan faith today is stand in line to get high-culture artifact photobook autographed and ask for cute smile from religious deity and, for pre-arranged fee, and thrill of lifetime, possible personal photo opportunity. Keep the faith, Japan. Therefore, in good faith, after parliamentary deliberation, Japan bible is AKB48 photobook. It is unanimous choice and hastily rush bill through parliament and whip off home early for massive new testiclement Japan bible masturbation session.”

“Fuck Moses, fuck Red Sea parting, Japan new biblical epoch is new season bikini testiclement cleavage parting in high-gloss 3-D.”
-Dr Sato.

 

[Teh Other Dave]

It was only a matter of time before AKB48 made its way here

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Local Nazi “Kind Of A Dickhead”.


--USA Today—

A local nazi has been labelled as “kind of a dickhead” by his neighbours. “His whole Hitler thing? I mean, come on” said one neighbor. “It’s bordering on obsessive. I mean, look at Hitler’s life. I mean, if you really look at it, as an overall body of work, the guy was hardly faultless. In fact, I’m going to come right out and say it; some of the decisions Hitler made during his life, in the cold light of day, have to be viewed as very questionable. Plus, ol' Adolf kind of played favourites there. Everyone just wants fairness and consistency but, with Hitler, if you were white with blonde hair, oh yeah, great guy or gal. But if you weren’t? That’s when you’d see his dark side. I think Hitler had a really dark side to his character. Plus, and I hate to be a nazi here, but the local nazi guy does a really shitty job of separating his trash.”

Local nazi guy: fucked up trash.

Another neighbor complained over the local nazi's weaponry arsenal. “Every time you talk to him, over the fence or whatever, it’s all AK (Andrew Kellaway)-this and semi-Glock that. I don’t even know what he’s talking about. Are they gun names? Did he ever stop to think that not all people share his level of interest in certain specific marginalized hobbies? He could do a bit better at reading the air. People have different fields of interest, you know?”

Local nazi guy: poor at incorporating the feelings of others.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Trump Says Mexico Using Rubble From Todays' Earthquake To Build His Wall.
--USA Today--

President Trump has instructed Mexico to use the rubble from today's earthquake to build his wall along the border of the United States and Mexico.

"Put the big bits on the bottom of the wall. That's how walls work. I know a lot about walls. A whole lot more than you guys."
-President Trump

"The wall already has its underlying structure" continued Trump. "My beautiful daughter Ivanka recently bought the Holocaust Wall off the Germans in Berlin. That wall was made in Germany so you know it's well made. Just like my daughter. Well made. Great engineering. Great lines. Great curves. Sweeping curves. Womanly curves. She's a woman. Maybe she's part German? It would surprise me you know, judging by how well built she is."

"This Mexican contribution to their own wall can only make the wall stronger" continued Trump. "As I always say, strong walls bring people together. Also, giving the wall a Mexican flavor means the Mexican people can be proud of the homegrown nature of their wall. Bullfighting, tacos and wall. This is the new Axis of Happiness for the Mexican people. This is a great day for Mexico. A great day."

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Australian Space Programme Reveal Objectives.
--SMH--

The Head of the Australian Space Programme, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong, has today revealed the objectives of the fledging multi-billion dollar programme.

Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong.
--Head of the Australian Space Programme.

"Yeah mate, first objective is to find the fucken dog. Having a squizz for the mangy c**t from the space ship satellite telescope would be the go I reckon. The fucken bastard went walkabout last week. Probably rolling around the neighbourhood rooting anything that moves. I know I would be if I could walk around naked rubbing my cock up against anything that took my fancy."

"Second objective is getting my useless brother Gene-o his first ever root" continued Mr Gunston. "No one on earth wants to fuck the bastard but maybe someone in space will hahaha"

"Trevor you fucken cu"

"Third objective is getting the space camera to have a perv thru the slat windows in the chicks bogs at the Redfern RSL. Especially on Friday nights when Raewyn is there in her halter top, pissed to the gills."

"Fourth objective is to get an accurate reading as to exactly how fast my fucken ute can really go. No technology on earth has been able to accurately measure it so far. Maybe the c**ts in space will have better luck. Righto. There ya go mate. A multitude of objectives. 83.6 billion dollars of space technology well spent I reckon."

"For fucks sake, just too fast, can't get a reading, get the space station c**ts on the blower."

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Local Landmark To Get The Chop

Newcastle, Australia

Newcastle's most famous waterfront landmark, erected 30 years ago by local firm Gunston & Gunston Repilung to mark the Bicentenary of white Strayan settlement in 1988, is to be demolished.

https://resources.stuff.co.nz/conte...enByNine.620x349.1n5rjp.png/1511920110757.jpg *

*sorry, given the current state of G&GR I can't post the pic but you may want to click the link before reading on......

Asked to comment, G&GR co-owner Gene Gunston said, "who gives a fuck? Expected it to fall over before Queenie came to open the fucker so I'm surprised it's lasted this long, we re-sold all the rebar & shit to some North Korean c*nt after we'd got our first progress payment. Had to give the building inspector a back- hander, of course, but then Aunty Doris got him in a compromising position & we made even more dosh selling the useless motherf*cker the pics & negs. Good times, those were."

Mr Gunston refused, however, to comment on speculation that the structure was designed by Wayne Gunston in the men's toilets at the Newcastle RSL & modelled on his wang. "I don't know nothin' about that", Mr Gunston said, "you'd have to ask Wayne. Good luck finding him, last time I heard from him he was off to see old mate in North Korea with some steel pipes & the motor from his '86 Commodore."

The owners of the building were also approached for comment but claimed to be unaware that the building had ever existed and, as such, would not be drawn on the demolition plans.

The real story is here:

https://www.stuff.co.nz/world/austr...embarrassing-erection-after-30-years-of-jokes

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Trump Solves "Non-Existent" Climate Change Issue In 30 Seconds.

--NY Times--

President Donald Trump has today come up with a novel solution for the climate change issue currently manifesting itself globally in the form of rising ocean levels.

"Look, they tell me the ocean levels are rising..." said the skeptical Commander in Chief. "Personally, I don't believe it. Too much water? So what are they waiting for? Just use fire to burn the excess water off. Your local fire department can do that. Send a fire engine to the beach. They can use fire to lower the ocean levels. One beach at a time. Less water means lower ocean levels. That's basic science. Use fire. Fire is a well known heat generator. Fire can burn all sorts of things. Including water. Easy. Problem solved. Next!"

"Hurry the fuck up, get to that fucking beach, this global warming shit is a race against fuckin' time."

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Nuremburg Barbie Adjusting To Life In Mexico After Defection.

--NY Times--

President Trump's former right-wing I mean former right-hand confidante, Nuremburg Barbie, is said to be settling in well after defecting to fucken Mexico last month. She is now said to be almost fluent at speaking Mexican.

“Hola c**ts, el diablo dildo mein conquistador el gash pubes fracking time.”
--Nuremburg Barbie buying a loaf of bread in sunny sperm-stained downtown Mexico.

“Hola taco-faced c**t, mein Berlin wall spic hombre el paso burrito tortilla?”
--Nuremburg Barbie asking what time is the next bus to fucken Tijuana

“Hola mein sombrero el pubus memorandus Shell Oil Gulf of Mexico el gringo c**thead Pablo Escobar?”
--Nuremburg Barbie in the supermarket asking where the fucken Tabasco sauce is.

 

[yourmatesam]

gringo c**thead Pablo Escobar?”

Keep 'em coming Dismal, you're on fire mate...

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Local Man Can’t Find Eclipse.

--Korean Times—

A local man has been unable to locate the eclipse in the sky.

“Where the fuck is it? I can’t see a fucking thing.”

“Is it a solar eclipse or a lunar eclipse ahh fuck it what’s the difference I still can’t find the c**t” exclaimed the exasperated sky viewer to his assembled viewing party.

“HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?”

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Seems our man (?) @Emu Arse has been on hols out West:

https://www.stuff.co.nz/travel/news/101031168/seaswimming-emu-surprises-tourists

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Gunston family summer hols cruelly and viciously cut short:

https://japantoday.com/category/world/brawling-family-of-23-removed-from-australian-cruise-ship

 

[Dismal Pillock]

NZ's Pregnant Prime Minister Finds Work Sub

--NZ Herald--​

​

With New Zealand's pregnant Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern set for maternity leave the question is, who will run the country while she is incapacitated with her birth-hatch shits and struggles and fart bubbles? In something of a break from political protocol, Ardern's boyfriend Clarke Gayford has said he will "fill in for her at work."​

​

​

"No, for the 10th time, his name is Gayford but he is not fucking gay. You deaf c**ts. For fucks sake he just rooted me up the shitter this morning. Twice. Hang on..... maybe that means he is gay. Fuck. No further comment. Um, Clarke, a word....."​

​

Mr Gayford seemed fairly nonplussed over the responsibility of taking over a nation. "Yeah it'll get me out of the bloody house. Away from all that shrieking nappie-faced ruckus. The idea of babies sounds a bit demonic to me, all that screaming and shitting and wailing and 'me-bloody-first' theatrics. Plus it'd get me some precious time away from Princess Goebbels Mussolini there, barking her post natally depressed nuts off at me. It'll be easier running the fucken country. I mean what is there to do? We've got the world's 805th biggest economy. Fuck-all happens. Just make sure there's enough pies at the petrol stations and the rugby telecasts pop up on time. Righto."​