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Hello. Deans here. Welcome to The Lancaster Park Trophy Room. Just how did we get the heads of these fine fellows, you ask? Read on, my fellow Canterbury rugby fan!"
Oh shit. Um, guys... you've shot a fucking zebra. NO HORNS.MORANS. Retreat to behind hindmost feet and start again.
"I'm hiding back here from the Cantabs... in case they try to shoot me... shh, be very quiet... this is my wife... her name is Ralph."
"No, no, that's not our gun. It belongs to this deer thing. He must be a hunter. He's having a bit of a sleep now so we thought we'd get a photo next to him."
"This one tripped and fell and his head came away from his body. Must've had a loose head. Sorry about the rugby joke, haha."
"The Whitelocks? Who the fuck are they? We just stole this stupid car that's all."
"This one is 3 weeks old. I shot him in the ballsack. Point-blank. 57 times. He hasn't got long to live now."
Unrelated picture.
"This one was frolicking in the midday sun with his mother and children when I crept up behind him and shot him right there in the arse. If only my penalty kicking was as accurate as my arse-shooting."
This one used to carry water supplies 37 miles over mountainous terrain everyday to a small village of woman and children. Now he's dead and all the villagers will die. Thanks, Tom.
Taiwanese Animation of Kurtley Beale Airline Fracas
The half-broke ARU have failed to provide GAGR with the funds required to animate the animation therefore unanimated stills will have to suffice.
Flight departs sunny downtown Jo-Burg bound for South America.
Scarcely airborne and Kurtley Beale is already completely buck-naked.
"PUT YA F***ING SHIRT ON YA FAT C**T"
"You're the f***ing c*** ya f***ing c***."
Unnamed ARU staff member and Kurtley Beale have slight altercation in Business Class aisle. Unnamed ARU staff member calls Beale "a poof in a silly hat and the wrong shirt".
Kurtley Beale looks forlornly out of a Business Class window while wearing a shirt he doesn't f**kin' like.
Passing over The Maldives now. Lunch is served. It's marijuana!
"Haha, Brazil looks like a goat."
"Where the f**k are we?"
"Just passing over Sixpackistan bro!"
Unrelated picture of James O'Conner in Southern France.
"Who's up for a root?"
"Sit DOWN please Kurtley."
Touching down in sunny downtown Buenos Aires now.
3 days later.....
Unnamed ARU staff member, seen here quietly caring for Richie Mccaw's illegitimate love child in sunny downtown Sydney.
3 weeks later......
Unnamed ARU staff member and rugby coach live happily ever after.
Now then, straight down to business; are you having trouble with your rugby TMO's lately?
Do they appear to be hopelessly addicted to a mad
combination of liquid acid and methylated crystals?
Well fret no further, we here at Gunston Corp TMO Day Rentals have the perfect solution; hiring one of our fully-accredited TMO's for the day to adjudicate properly over your rugby match in a fair and square manner.
SPONSOR
Let's meet the team of highly-accredited TMO match officials
available for day rental from just $6,995 per contest.
Me.
Good choice. Once I have received adequate alcohol intake (to calm the nerves) I will be at one with the match proceedings. A fluid, symbiotic, seamless machination of tender loving dovetailed harmony.
Wayne Gunston
Completely fucking stupid choice. He'll spend half the time trying to find which lever to pull to get himself up on the big screen.
But it's your money so who am I to argue.
Trevor Gunston
Another questionable choice. Trevor's never lasted longer
than 10 minutes at any rugby match. Hates the game.
Aunty Doris Gunston.
Probably the best choice.
The last person I saw who attempted to enter into an argument with
Aunty Doris wound up having their face run under her Bernina.
Aunty Doris knows fuck-all about rugby but since when
has that stopped the current crop of cross-eyed alky TMO's.
Are you sick of golf? Of course you are! It's a bloody stupid game! In case you haven't noticed, the golf hole itself is ridiculously small. Especially compared to the massive acres of parkland you have to wander around to even find the little prick.
Well, rest easy because have we got the sport for you.
Rugby Golf!
All you have to do is tonk your ball over the rugby goalposts and that's it. Hole finished. Par 5? Just tonk it over the posts and pencil in birdie or some shit. You're getting the hang of it already! Fuck the green and the flag and the stupid little tinpot hole you can hardly even find. They can piss right off.
Let's take a leisurely stroll around TheGunston Rugby Golf Links Course.
It is now available for bookings.
One round is $69,995.
Book now!
The 1st
The round starts now! Yes, as soon as you get out of your car. Start tonking!
The 2nd
What the hell is goign on here? Fuckit, just play through. Give yourself an albatross or something.
The 3rd
Pretty basic tonking action here. Straight through the uprights. Just like Mehrts.
The 4th
”WHAT'S THAT? SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.”
The 5th
Makeable par 5.
Unless you swing like a girl.
The 6th
Fairly simple 3-iron draw shot to make par here.
The 7th
What? "Where's the fuckin goalposts" you say? Well, they're about 200 metres behind that sheila standing by the hole. Start tonking! If she's in your way just smash it right thru her! Take a drop! Take a drop right off her fucking head!
The 8th
Piece of piss.
The 9th
Make sure you put your club right through the ball here. Might still be some time on the clock for a quick restart.
The 10th
Instant albatross.
The 11th
Back-to-back albatrosses. You are on fire!
The 12th
Come on, mum. Put your back into it.
Old people usually end up crying on this one.
The 13th
I recommend a lofted club on this one.
The 14th
Relive the magic and excitement of the waterlogged Eden Park test of 1975. Get tonking!
The 15th
Any goalposts will do. Definite birdie chance.
The 16th
Trickier than it looks
The 17th
Don't worry. That little boat comes back like clockwork, once every week.
The 18th
The 18th, the showpiece of The Gunston Rugby Golf Links Course.
Be sure to stop off in the clubhouse after your round for a few beers and a yarn.
Don't worry, this hole is perfectly safe. There's no glass in the windows.