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Jokes!

Biffo

Ken Catchpole (46)
Believe it or not, this is my work.

I originally posted it on the old Scrum forum in late 1999 or 2000 and also in the Supersportzone rugby forum before they changed it so that only forum members from South Africa could post.

I changed the wording a bit for a couple of people who asked for permission to use the piece at rugby dinners in the UK. It is still in on my computer somewhere.

I have seen it on a few websites with different wording, including the Silverfern, and now I see it on ours, with other variations.

The changes are not bad but they have subtracted significantly from the cadence of the original which was that of a religious person preaching to the congregation.

Some of the wording in the above piece is different by a few words here and there; some changes are more substantial but the ten sentence topics are the same.


For example in the first one I remember that i wrote " .. it was a piss-poor translation .."

In the second I wrote ".. though shalt not blaspheme against The Whistler, for he is the giver of My Advantage .." and added ".. neither shall you call him Wanker; for it is written that those that are unloved by womankind, or mankind, must cast their seed unaided .."

And so on.

9. I had ".. unless he owes you money or has rodgered your belovéd"

10. The start and end of the of the sentence is the same but the middle is different.

Edit - On second look the rhythm is missing in the above version and the sentences are clunky.

I can't prove any of this but Biffo was on the Scrum forum early in the 2000s; maybe he can recall it.

I'll ask him.

Provenance. Unquestionable, it's LG's wisdom, wit and writing.

I remember it well, including that noone on scrum.com questioned LG's authorship. There was quite a bit of banter around it and just about everyone thanked LG for his work.

It was in the years 2000-03 but I can't put my cursor on even a likely season within one of those years. I was on scrum.com quite a bit then as I had time on my hands - I was mostly in Japan but also did a lot in Syria and RSA in that period - and the rugby was very interesting with the Lions in Australia in 01 and RWC in Sydney in 03.

I might have a try at finding it, as I know how to contact some of the old blokes on scrum.com. Yes, Pfitzy, we communicated via a symbol-chiseled stone - we made our message, sent it off by camel train and ship and waited for the return message, usually some years later. "What's that you say, the Wallabies won the World Cup?" I sent in December 1999. Back came the reply "No, England beat them in the final". Answers were as slow then as now, if for differing reasons.
 

Dewald Nel

Cyril Towers (30)
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
”Rubbish,” replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head..

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
 

Dewald Nel

Cyril Towers (30)
Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

-------------------

So far, more Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola.

And the Ebola victims suffered less.

-------------------

Heathrow airport has abandoned its Ebola screeningprogram .
Its equipment to detect overheated, sweating, hunched up passengers has so far identified everyone arriving on a Ryan Air flight.


-------------------

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write with your other hand.”

-------------------


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law..."
 

GTPIH

Ted Thorn (20)
Another from the maggots

Ode to a Tighthead Prop

It was midway through the season
we were just outside the four
and although I know we won it
I can't recall the score.

But there's one thing I remember
and to me it says a lot
about the men who front the scrum -
the men we call "the props".

We won a lineout near half way
the backs went on a run
the flankers quickly ripped the ball
and second phase was won.

Another back then crashed it up
and drove towards the line
another maul was duly set
to attack it one more time.

The forwards pushed and rolled that maul
They got the tough set the ball up to a tee
the last man in played tight head prop
and wore the number "3"

The ball was pushed in to his hands
he held it like a beer
then simply dropped to score the try -
his first in 15 years.

Then later, once the game was done
he sat amidst his team
he led the song and called himself
the try scoring machine.

But it wasn't till the night wore on
that the truth was finally told
just two beers in, he'd scored the try
and also kicked the goal.

At 6 o'clock the try was scored
by barging through their pack
he carried two men as he scored
while stepping 'round a back.

By seven he'd run twenty yards
out sprinting their quick men
then beat the last line of defence
with a "Jonah Lomu" fend.

By eight he'd run from near half way
and thrown a cut out pass
then looped around and run again
no-one was in his class.

By nine he'd run from end to end
his teammates stood in awe
he chipped and caught it on the full
then swan dived as he scored.

By ten he'd drunk a dozen beers
but still his eyes did glisten
as he told the story of "that try"
to anyone who'd listen.

His chest filled up, as he spoke,
his voice was filled with pride
he felt for sure he would be named
the captain of that side.

By nights end he was by himself
still talking on his own
the club was shut, the lights were out
his mates had all gone home.

And that's why I love my front row -
they simply never stop
and why I always lend an ear
when a try's scored by a prop
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
11018791_1427622574196880_6632818813206455589_n.jpg
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Wayne "Wayne-o" Gunston of Gunston Industries here.

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Now then, straight down to business:

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I think you fucking do.

Smelly-looking bastard like you.

Well, we can clear that right up with new Gunston Wash.


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"GAHH!" says this silly shrieking psycho. "This looks like urine mixed with semen."
That's because it is, ya blind psycho. Now drink up, cos's there's plenty more where that came from.

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PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.






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"Oh dear me", say the housewives. "How embarrassing. I am now hopelessly addicted to spoof and urine".

"Semen mixed with urine?" query the two guys. "That's new territory for me."







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Sign says "20 seconds of work from a Gunston can give you a lifetime of good health".






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33 year old bloke says "heyy... I could really get used to the taste of this.... what did you say it was?"

Chick says "haha, I thought it would be something new".





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Just look at that honey-glazed consistency.

Delicious.

The elixir of life

"No, 24 year-old OL, don't panic, it won't make you pregnant."







*edit: yes to the 59 year-old, it might get you pregnant.



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Did Gunston Wash come from here?

Close, but no cigar.




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Studies show that eating the jungle rubbish pictured above is only half as
beneficial as guzzling Gunston Wash every fvckin' minute of every fvckin' day.

Bottoms-up, cum gargler.





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The Process:

Raw material----> horrific chemical reaction------>finished product:
Gunston de Wash (European version)




Step-By-Step Gunston Wash Imbibing Procedure:

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Step 1: Smile like a blind, deranged ferret while filling up a shot glass with Gunston Wash

Step 2: Savour the taste of man-spooge mixed with piss.

Step 3: Mistake your toothbrush for a cellphone in your rush to tell all of your friends about Gunston Wash.

nb* don't be surprised at Step 3 cos' you are now officially drunk on cock!

Right then, order now, delivery men are standing by! (my dickhead brother Trevor)

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Righto.

- Wayne.

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boyo

Mark Ella (57)
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
 

Hugh Jarse

Rocky Elsom (76)
Staff member
You're probably heard most of these before (many times) but the time is right.


What’s the difference between a tea bag and the England cricket team?
A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

When would an English cricketer ever have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.

What is the difference between the England cricket team and the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
Not everyone has walked all over the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

What’s the England version of LBW?
Lost. Beaten. Walloped.


What did the cricket fan miss when he went to the bar?
The entire England innings.


What do you call an Englishman who’s good with a bat?
A vet.


Who has the easiest job in the England cricket squad?
The person who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


What does an Englishman put in his hands to guarantee there’s a wicket next ball?
A bat.

What is the height of optimism?
An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

What is the main function of the England cricket coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Why don’t English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
Because they never catch anything.

What advantage does Eoin Morgan have over his team-mates?
At least he can say he’s not English

The English 12th man was overheard talking to a journalist. He said “I want to play for the England Team so badly”
The Journalist replied “You’re the right man for the job. You’ll fit in with the rest of them.”

There's a man from Turkmenistan who claims to have invented a game that in certain respects is a bit like cricket. What he doesn't know is that the England team has been playing it for years.

What's the English version of a hat-trick?
Three runs in three balls.

What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss both.

A mobile phone rings in the England dressing room and the team manager picks it up.
"Hello."
"Hi, I'd like to speak to James.”
"Sorry he has only just gone out to bat, but hold the line, he wont be long."

The England cricket team had a fancy dress party, with all players, coaching and management staff invited.
Eoin Morgan went dressed as a batsman.

WADA representatives went to conduct random drugs tests on the England cricket team. They had to take blood samples. They tried to do urine analysis but were unsuccessful because everyone had already taken the piss out of them.

What do you get if you cross the England Cricket Team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.

What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

The UK bobsleigh team have asked the England cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

The England cricket team visited an orphanage in Sfluffybunnyhorpe.
"It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Peter, aged 8 years …. … …

The England Football Association has thanked the England cricket team for helping the nation forget about their Soccer teams inadequacies since 1966.

Eoin Morgan loses the toss and the opposing captain says “You lads can bat”.
Eoin replies “No, we can’t”

England have agreed to become the first carbon neutral cricket team. They are going to finish all their matches before the flood lights are switched on.

NEWS FLASH: Bangladesh has avoided embarrassment, holding off a brave challenge from World Cup minnows England by 15 runs in Adelaide.



Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their Father's did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Carpenter, Businessman, etc. etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of the other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him'.

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask if that was really true. 'No' said Billy 'he plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
 

boyo

Mark Ella (57)
Finding a woman sobbing because she’d locked the keys in her car and couldn’t get in, a passing soldier assures her he can help.
She looks on amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically the door opens.
"That's so clever," the woman says. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," says the soldier. "These are my khakis".
 

Hugh Jarse

Rocky Elsom (76)
Staff member
Miss Monaghan's Kindergarten class visited a farm on Monday.
On Tuesday, Miss Monaghan was discussing the farm visit in class, and she asked her pupils what sounds they heard at the farm.

Emily in the fromt row puts her hand up and says "Mooooo"
"Yes" said Miss Monaghan, "Farmer Brown had a lot of cows didn't he?

Roderick contributes "Baaaaaa"
"The sheep at Farmer Brown's looked like puffy little clouds out in the paddocks", said Miss Monaghan

Henry adds the sound of horses hooves by making a clip clip sound with his mouth.
Miss Monaghan said "I really enjoyed feeding carrots to the Farmer Brown's horses".

Rosemary makes a bad impression of a Turkey gobble.
"I wasn't expecting to see any Turkeys on the farm" says Miss Monaghan.

Susan goes "woof woof woof" making the sound of Farmer Brown's favourite huntaway dog "Bob".
"That's right, Farmer Brown's dogs were very fast when they ran around the paddocks to round up the cattle."


"Oh Miss!, Miss!, Miss!" pipes up Little Johnny from the back corner.
Knowing that none of the students had mentioned the sounds of the chickens, pigs, or ducks from Farmer Brown's place, but with some trepidation learned from experience, Miss Monaghan asks Little Johnny what sound he heard at Farmer Brown place, thinking that it would be a fairly hard for Little Johnny to do what Little Johnny does best.

"Get down off my f***king tractor, you little sh!t"
 

leakytap

Sydney Middleton (9)
One Night at the Bar...

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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched,
"It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied,
"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.
 

Lee Grant

John Eales (66)
Staff member
Going back a page to the Ten Commandments - I was cleaning out some old document files and came across what I think is my last version.

It had changed appreciably since the first lot I posted but I discarded some because they were too long.

I put my most recent one in in a blog this morning here:


Give it a click.
.
 
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