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cyclopath

George Smith (75)
Staff member
Local man confused about Game of Thorns delay

--NZ Herald--

Local man Mr Bruce Saint is reportedly "very, very" confused over the delay in availability of the new Game of Thorns tv show.

bruce.jpg

"Where the f**k is it?
--Mr Saint.

"I searched online but bloody nuthin'" said Mr Saint. "So I went to me local dvd rental store to ask them when the new f**kin' Game of Thorns comes out and the clerk just looked at me blankly! He must be as bloody confused as I am. I thought this Game of Thorns rubbish was supposed to be famous? Famous my arse! Although maybe my local dvd shop is a bit shit. They didn't have any Star Track or Lady of the Rings either. Useless! Although maybe that last one was in the grot section. Didn't check there. Not for too long anyway. Useless!"
I bet he searched for The Wanking Dead too. Just a hunch.
 

cyclopath

George Smith (75)
Staff member
This is pretty funny, but.........
You might want to be careful where you're going with this. Forum banter is good, rubbishing my professional life is perhaps over the top. I take my job seriously and keep my asshattery to my alter ego! And you might not know I was quite badly injured in a bike accident a couple of years ago.
Where do you find this shit anyway?? :)
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
and poof its gone. Please accept my apologies. I have a very tenuous grasp on common sense and genuinely have NO IDEA when my rubbsih typing can come across as offensive
 

cyclopath

George Smith (75)
Staff member
and poof its gone. Please accept my apologies. I have a very tenuous grasp on common sense and genuinely have NO IDEA when my rubbsih typing can come across as offensive
You didn't have to delete it - I was not really offended but was just drawing a rough line in chalk!

chalk_sheep_outline_by_madragonn.jpg
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
New Melbourne Rebels owners issue statement.

--SMH--

The Melbourne Rebels new majority owners (pictured below) have issued a statement disavowing any connection whatsoever to the NZ-based Waikato provincial rugby team.

fash5.jpg

"We have no idea what you are talking about."

The Rebels last year "broke the mould" when it came to cutting edge jersey design (see above) and the new owners have avowed to continue the trend by this year introducing a BELT for the players shorts (see below). "Too many fat pricks on our team" was the terse retort from one of the owners "plus this belt will help binding in the scrum and ease of capture in open field play oh shit i havent thought this through well now have i

fash2.jpg
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Royal baby to be put up for adoption

--The Times--

The Imperial Palace have today announced that William & Kate's newborn daughter is to be put up for adoption. "The shitfaced little pudding is simply too ugly to keep" said a clearly incensed Prince William. "She's scaring me. She's got no teeth. Some bloody princess. I fucking hate her."

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"Jesus, I've had better-looking dumps than that."
-A clearly fucked-off Prince William leaving No.10 Buckingham Palace



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The newly-born princess: a horrifying malformed grotesquerie.

Princess Kate lamented that "we had a courtier try and dispose of the unfortunate error quietly, but he was hopeless and stuffed the whole thing up. We've since had him beheaded."



babyshock_zpsef52980d.gif

"Look, there goes Princess Charlotte getting
chucked over No.10 Downs Syndrome St."
 
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Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Japanese Politician Forms Shadow Cabinet

--Japan Today--

A Japanese politician has today formed a shadow cabinet. "Can you see the shadow cabinet?" he queried. "No you can't. That's because they are actually shadows."


kanshadow.jpg

The Japanese politician, seen here spending

some quality time with his shadow cabinet.

"SHHH, quiet, I am trying to listen to the General Speaker for the shadow cabinet address we the assembled members of the shadow cabinet."


kanshadow.jpg

"Yes, I see, excellent thoughts, Mr Speaker."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Idiot Loses Car Keys.

--NZ Herald--

A local idiot is believed to have lost his car keys. The incident occurred during daylight hours, possibly in a leafy suburban setting.

keyguy_zpsoyjax3z7.jpg

"I can't believe it. I had them in my hand. Got in the car, dropped the kids off at soccer, hit an old lady, picked up some apples from the supermarket, collected the kids and drove back here. Where the hell did I put them?"

According to the idiots' wife, it's not the first time this has happened. "He also misplaced his keys 2 years ago" said the wife. "They were in the pocket of his other pants. I found them. To be honest, I am becoming increasingly concerned about my husbands memory lapses. To lose your keys once a year is understandable but twice in two years? I think I might have to book him in for an appointment with a registered ornithologist."


Related Articles:

Old Lady victim of vicious hit and run

Community mourns dead old lady.

Old lady remembered as "old".
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Japan gears up for war atrocities by making porpoises extinct.

--AP Press--

Elated with yesterday's surprise unanimous passing of a motion in the Japanese House of Commons which approved the resumption of WWII, Japan has deployed their entire navy to the Sea of Japan for target practice with the express purpose of shooting every single last porpoise in the face until they are all dead. "They are useless for sushi research and no prick likes them" said Admiral Sato. "They are ugly. Plus we need the target practice."

missile.jpg

"There's one of the fat little gaylords! FIRE!"

"Once all the porpoises are dead then it's back home to refuel before we resume the push through Burma, then on into Manchuria, dead bodies everywhere, then onto Berlin, or Auschwitz, or Poland, or some other foreign bumhole, fuck knows where yet" continued Sato. "Then after they're all speaking Japanese its back home for a cup of tea and some lovely fresh porpoise sushi haha just kidding we're not eating that rubbish, we're not barbarians."

missile.jpg

"Suck on this one, Flipper!"
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
news coming through from Argentina.......

---------------------------------------------------

Nueva Zelanda anuncia Comisión Nacional de Investigación Rugby partido de prueba.

--Buenos Aires--

Tras la capitulación patética de Nueva Zelanda en la primera prueba de la Copa Bledisloe en Sydney New Zealand's Minister of Not-Giving-It-To-The-Backs, The RT Hon. Sir Colin Meads omisión Nacional de Investigación sobre la debacle.

meads1.jpg

"Quelle f ** king pathetique."
-Sir Colin.

"NZ la garganta ponces" continuó Meads. "How to participar la ruck la Neuva Zelanda way diagramme A":

Diagramme A:

ruck.jpg

"ENTER RUCK aquí, aquí, aquí y aquí, titular Showpony Poofs."
-Meads.

"Nacional de Investigación Rugby de los All Blacks, no poncing sobre ponerse al día con el PT Chev Matronas Burn Clínica tercera Poncy Land Girlie XV" continuó Meads.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local man dumps supermodel.

--SMH--

Local man Mr Wayne Gunston of Wollongong has reportedly dumped a supermodel. "I'm out of her league mate" said Mr Gunston as he hiffed all the spunky chicks pricey shit over the veranda railing. Including her gruds.

bruce.jpg

"I'll take those mate."
--local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.

The hideous sea cow in question left the Gunston residence in her luxury automobile, seemingly in a bit of a snit after having been dumped like a sack of spuds by Mr Gunston.

fae13f4b348b97c1304260bd55b3d157.jpg

"Aww come on Wayne, gizz one last root before I piss off back to my 80-metre long superyacht to inconsolably sip champagne while reclining on my crushed velvet chaise lounge in the nuddee with my legs akimbo like so."


hair.jpg

"No fat chicks pal."

Mr Gunston was last sighted walking buoyantly towards a local Wollongong Bus Stop, apparently "on the pull"
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Rugby player gets up off sofa in Hamilton to enter stoush.

--NZ Herald--

All Black squad member Liam Messam surprisingly entered a melee during the 2nd Bledisloe test match in Auckland after seeing it begin to develop while he was watching the game on telly from the comfort of his sofa in Hamilton.

liam-messam-waterboy.jpg


As for his All Black teammates, none of them were surprised in the slightest to see Messam turn up in the centre of the scrap. "As soon as things started getting a bit tetchy early on I knew Liam would be up off the sofa in Hamilton and be en-route to Eden Park" said teammate Brodie Retallick.

When queried as to how he managed to get from Hamilton to Auckland so quickly, Messam said he commandeered a helicopter, telling the pilot to "get out bro, I need to commandeer this for official All Black business."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Toffs Turn Up For Golf "Ridiculously Overdressed".

--NZ Herald--

A pair of toffs have turned up for a round of golf at the Onehunga Belchforth Daley golf course ridiculously overdressed for the occasion.

royals_zpsgh1yxt7q.jpg

The morons in question sporting their hideous and glaring breaches of suitable golfing attire protocol.

Resident hacker Hemi Hone Wiremu Heke confessed that he "mentioned to the tall poofter that a cravat was a bit flash for golf. The posh twit then rushed off and put on a necktie. Right over the top of the cravat."

Pro shop junior staff member Mr Liaki Moli went on to say "the chick in the $600,000 dress and stupid marshmellow hat sidled up to me and whispered "how much?" to which I suavely replied "you fatties can't afford this stuff, haha....." She just looked at me all serene-like and smiled like she could hold that expression for the next 60 years. Which I suppose is what she will have to do when you think about it. Anyway, I told her it was $40 bucks. She plonked down $80 without a second thought. I don't think she realized that it's $40 for one whole year. That's the annual subs. $40. For only one round it's $2.25."

When quizzed as to whether their two infants would be joining them on the quagmire-like inland links course for a round, the posh couple said "by Joves no, I dashed well hope not. No, we're trying to get rid of them. Do you want them? We only just recently adopted them and frankly they're already starting to smell" said posh wife. "We flogged off the original two last month" said the taller toff. "They were so ugly and stupid and small and pongy. I think we gave the stumpier one away to an orphanage? I forget what happened to the bigger one. I think we just let the little goblin wander off down the street. Now then. Which one of you polly wollys has the keys to my new Golf?"
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Study: Teenage Goths Face Potential Depression

--Wollongong Daily Gazette--

The Gunston, Gunston & Gunston Poling Agency have today revealed the findings of their $2.8 million independent study carried out over the last 4 days; teenage goths are more at risk of depression than other teens.

goths_zpsyr9gnlz3.jpg

A gaggle of teenage goths, meandering lethargically about town, looking ticked off about something or other, as per bloody usual.

"I tried to pole numerous goth poofs down by the bus station" said agency spokesman Wayne Gunston. "I asked them specific pole questions such as the following":

  • "Are you a miserable poof?"
  • "Why so miserable?"
  • "It's 35 degrees, what's with all the black get-up?"
  • "See those bogs over there? I could make them your happy place."
Mr W.Gunston went on to say "I collated my findings and verified the presentation statisticuss verbally to The Gunston, Gunston & Gunston Poling Agency which was basically just Trevor sitting on the couch in his gruds, half-drunk. Trevor verified my findings in an independent manner, thus legitimising the pole action as 2nd party rendered and from there, once renumeration was complete, I got to work on my own pole action which I have circumspectatorially legitimised as concrete."

In closing, Mr W.Gunston's study concluded that "teenage goth chicks should be closely monitored."
 
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Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Dr Stephen Hawking summoned to All Blacks camp

--NZ Herald--

World renowned physicist Dr Stephen Hawking has been called into the All Blacks camp in order to help find a solution to the black hole equation that is number #8 Kieran Read's hands.

black1.gif

Read's hands, pictured here currently somewhere in deep, deep space. They are probably visible to the naked eye but only if you have a big f**ing telescope.

"For this individual, it appears anti-matter is converting to gray matter which manifests itself as a black hole once the ball touches his hands" said Hawking. "I have never seen anything like it. An actual black hole where an individuals hands should be. What a f***king freak. Get away from that guy. I do not want to fall into a black hole, can I please go back to the lab now? His shit might be contagious."

hawking_zpsxrjahbnk.jpg

"Hey, coach. Yeah, you. Get me the fuck out of here."
--Dr Hawking.

Hawking went on to say the solution to blocking up a black hole is easy. "Scientifically speaking, you need to stuff some shit in there to block it up. Any shit will do but hanging onto a white egg-shaped spherical object would counteract the black hole action and do the trick just fine.

"By the way, I have a great-grandmother born in New Zealand and therefore am qualified to represent NZ if need be. I can play number 8 and, at a push, blindside flanker. Oh, when I say "at a push", I mean some sad fat bastard will have to actually physically push my motherf**ing wheelchair from ruck to ruck but fuckit I'm still going to be more useful than that black hole freak the All Blacks are currently persisting with. PUSH! LET'S GO BLACK!"

hawking_zpsxrjahbnk.jpg

"Stop crying about it and just f**king push."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Queen afforded brief audience with legendary All Black captain

--NZ Herald--

The Queen of England is reportedly "over the moon" and "almost weeing in my drawers" after having been afforded a brief audience with legendary All Black captain Richard Hugh Mccaw of Lancaster Park.

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Coach Hansen holds the All Black captain's drink for him as the great man makes small talk with yet another deranged fan, desperate for her 15 seconds of fame.

"He was even more corrosively handsome than I imagined" sighed the Queen. "I tried to hold on to his hand for as long as I could but after about 45 seconds he just pushed me the fuck away and then a security detail quietly ushered me off the premises."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Man Wins Big Chair Award.

--Japan Times--

A local man has won The Biggest Daftest Chair Award for the second week running.

emp_zpsfdzivpme.jpg

"I've got the biggest chair not the longest arms you stupid fucking prick. Come a bit f**kin' closer, would you?"

The man said the chair cost him 10 bucks down at the local recycled shop. "Then I souped it up a bit" he said. "I put the vertical extensions on. I call them 'vert extensions'. Sometimes I call them 'racing fins'. When I'm half-pissed. Coupla bits of two by four, then I painted the bastard white. You want to sit on it? Sure go ahead, be my guest. It'll only cost you a beheading but that's no skin off my cock."

emp_zpsfdzivpme.jpg

"Look, you dickhead. I am not coming any closer. You come over here. That's what we did last bloody week."


emp_zpsfdzivpme.jpg

"I've changed my mind, don't hand it to me directly, just put it down on that white table thing over there and then piss off forever..... or at least until next week when I win again on account of me having this awesome fuckin' award-winning chair that I have and no other prick has."
 

waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
^^^^^^^^ bored with your old one already?

image.jpeg


Arms not long enough? Back not high enough? Cushion not yet perfectly moulded to your arse? All of the above? #godkingproblems
 
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