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Auckland Blues To Infinity and Beyond

Discussion in 'Rugby Discussion' started by cyclopath, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. Dismal Pillock Tony Shaw (54)

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    may as dump this pos here...

    Official NZRFU Auckland Blues 2019 Preview.

    [IMG]

    Why get your hopes up?

    New coach?

    So what.

    New players?

    Who cares.

    90% of the Blues squad are still the dregs that no other franchise fucken wanted anyway.

    Nonu and SBW in the midfield? Well, whoop-de-fucken-do, break out the motherfucking bunting. Colour my crotch the caliphate incarnate. I would wager BOTH of my left nads that the doddery duo won’t manage 2 whole halves of rugby playing together during the whole fucken season. And if they do, after 20 minutes they will be brain-knackered. Hyopoxia sets in, help, we’re stranded on the Hillary fuckin Step here, hello, is anyone there, fucking radio for help, fuuuuuuuck, turnstile city. Nonu’s been literally walking around Toulon’s midfield in sunny sperm-stained retirement home France for fucken years. SBW is an old league player who still has fuck-all rugby instincts despite Hansen blowing plumes of smoke down W’s one-eye on the reg

    Pulu at halfback? Sure, he will ring your fucking bell on defense. But on attack? Handbrake City. Pop: the Blues backline.

    On the bright side, the Blues do have a fantasy spank bank of loosies in Blake Gibson, Papali’i and Akira. That’s the good news. And it’s always good news in pre-season. EVERY year the Blues look kick-arse on paper. Yet who remembers the kick-arse outfit of, say, 2015? Not many.

    [IMG]

    Yep, every season the Blues promise the world on paper, schoolboy star wingers shoehorned in alllll along the backline, and every year they trot out and proceed to play like the Onehunga Under-5’s Crippled Children Burn Clinic Fucken Hospice Care Unit.

    Plus the inevitable injuries. If I gave half a proper fuck I would tally up previous campaigns pre-season “starters on paper” and see how many of the fluffybunnys actually started games at the tail-end of the season. I’d wager fuck-all. 2 of the 3 loosie spank bankers will succumb to season-ending injuries, probably when they collide reaching for the last piece of cake at the fucken buffet table on the eve of the first fucken game of the season. That will leave Akira to play every minute of the season, leading all the stats for all super rugby players, shattering all Blues training records including running a 4-minute mile as well as successfully bench-pressing the goddamn sun, and Hansen will still pick some Landers fluffybunny who’s been nutting out the same damn crossword puzzle while parked on the fucken bench all fucking season.

    Another weird bright side though; 1st 5. The usual wft position for the Blues, is actually looking shockingly healthy. Otere Black, Perofuture and Plummer. That’s fucking THREE 1st 5’s who theoretically should be able to cope with the 1st 5 position at Soup Rugby level. Bugger me. This is great! SURELY all 3 won’t get fucking injured.

    SURELY.

    Joan Collins emergency 1st 5 by round 3.

    The usual summer trickle of pre-season training clips are coming through now. The lads panting away running up some hill in Cornwall Park. Or bashing away at each other in some jiu jitsu kung fu bollocks. All good and well. It’s when the actual rugby ball gets introduced to proceedings that it all instantly turns to shit.

    “The fuck is this?
    “Dunno.
    “Haha, it looks funny.
    “What a stupid shape.
    “It’s not quite round…
    “…yet it’s not quite flat.
    “What do you even call that thing?
    “I can’t catch something shaped like that.
    “Me neither.
    “Can’t we just do more wrestling?
    “Yeah, I was good at that.
    “Me too.
    “Seems a bit mean-spirited, throwing an object shaped like that to someone and expecting them to catch it.
    “Could be embarrassing.
    “It scares me.
    “Yeah, maybe just leave it on the ground.
    “I hate it.
    “Me too.
    “Just kick it away.
    “Away!”

    Blues 2019 Schedule:

    [IMG]

    H v Cantabs. please God please let the Cantabs AB’s pack still be at the fucken beach pleeeeeassse
    A v Shawks. wft straight on the road already? FFS. Blues don’t travel well. L.
    A v Jags. oh god then straight off around the world for ANOTHER rugby match? which sadistic fluffybunny put this fucking schedule together? FUCK YOU PICHOT
    H v Sunwolves. now we’re talkin. The 0-3 Blues take on their wooden spoon rivals. First win of the season right here baby!
    H v Landers. oh shit we always lose to these pricks. They’re one of those “properly coached rugby teams” that I’ve read about and also seen on the telly.
    H v Stormfront. L. Even these shittily-travelling boks will be too much for our injury-ravaged 1-and-5 B-team.
    H v NSFW. god I hate losing to these pricks. I hope Tom Carter falls down a well. All the wells.
    A v Chiffs. things heating up in NZ conference means the Chiffs will be on FIRE. L.
    A v Landers. ffs, these bastards again. Thanks Pichot, thanks a fucken lot.
    A v Bumbreeze. that empty frozen concrete shithole stadium in Canberra. ffs do I have to watch?
    H v Canes. NO WAY Nonu plays in this one. Canes to run riot. 54-7.
    H v Chiffs. ffs, them again? Their laughter ringing in Blues ears from 3 weeks ago has barely even fucking subsided.
    A v Cantabs. The annual horror show. Dark. Cold. Wet. And that’s just my gruds. The runaway red-and-black combine harvester reaping their annual grisly bounty.
    H v Bulls. last home game of the season but we’re 1 and 26, who gives a fuck. Bulls from their “mummy, mummy can we pleeeasse go to the playoffs, pleeease, MUMMY I WANT TO GO TO THE PLAYOFFS RIGHT NOW MUMMY” conference with everything to play for. L.
    A v Reds. heyyy arent these wankers just as shit as us? This could be the go!
    A v Canes. way to rub it in Pichot you fucking shitheel.

    Thank fuck that’s over.

    [IMG]
    oztimmay and Derpus like this.
  2. waiopehu oldboy David Wilson (68)

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    ^ Gibson & Perofeta on the injured list already....
  3. Dan54 Andrew Slack (58)

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    I not sure Perofeta will be the loss that Gibson is, and is this going to be another lost year for Gibson? And he a co captain isn't he?
  4. zer0 Bob Davidson (42)

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    Dan54 likes this.
  5. KiwiM Johnnie Wallace (23)

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    A week or so ago they said Gibson would be out a month so I'd say it's likely Gibson will either be back Round 4 after the Blues trip to RSA or Round 6 after the Blues bye.


    Faiane is pretty much a 12 only - I can't really remember him ever starting a game at centre. Having said that, your idea of Nonu switching into 12 during games for specific situations makes sense.
    Dan54 likes this.
  6. KiwiM Johnnie Wallace (23)

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    The word is Perofeta's injury is long term - coach MacDonald said 16 weeks.
  7. zer0 Bob Davidson (42)

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    Only about four potential starters there. No matter. Shouldn't take long to surpass the peak of last season where Akira Ioane was the sole 1st XV player in the pack while just about all the rest were on short term contracts.

    I imagine the opening of the season will go as thus: get beaten up by the de facto All Blacks in Rd 1. Immediately jump on a plane across the Indian Ocean to get beaten up by the Shjaarks. Wheel the remains straight back onto the plane and off across the Atlantic to get beaten up by the Argentine test team. Scoop whatever is left back onto the plane, and fly it across the Pacific in time to become the first NZ team to lose at home to the Sunwolves. Enjoy the bye after the Sunwolves game. Smashing. I'm sure WR will be happy as that'll generate a bit of interest in Nippon.
  8. KiwiM Johnnie Wallace (23)

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    Scott Scrafton is actually playing this weekend for the Blues A team. His first game back since wrecking his knee in Round 3 Super Rugby last year.
  9. waiopehu oldboy David Wilson (68)

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  10. Dismal Pillock Tony Shaw (54)

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    Zero in-season comment in this thread.

    Thank fucken God.

    Been the usual Blues season.

    [IMG]

    4 games to go and locked in the customary spina bifida battle with the Sunwolves, a phantom-limb of a franchise that doesnt even fucken exist any more, for the goddamn stupid wooden spoon.

    Every bloody year.

    Still haven't beaten a NZ team in any away match since Adam was in short pants.

    ffs


    The_Brown_Hornet and oztimmay like this.
  11. oztimmay John Hipwell (52)

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    DP, I don't know where you get your GIFs from, but they are just magical. Whatever amphetamine is fuelling your imagination, you need to bottle it and sell it to the masses.

    Please never change.
    RoffsChoice and The_Brown_Hornet like this.
  12. Dismal Pillock Tony Shaw (54)

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    [IMG]
    "I heard there's only one bloke on the whole ship. The captain. He thought it was going down so he stayed on the ship. Turns out the dumb thing was too stupid to sink."




    [IMG]
    "...no, for the last time, it's pronounced GIF, not fucken JIFF. Who the fuck is this anyway? That you Cyclo?"
  13. cyclopath Phil Waugh (73)

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    No
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  14. Dismal Pillock Tony Shaw (54)

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    Thank GOD my shaky stream caused me to miss the latest fun instalment in The Debacle That Never Ends. A denouement of nadirs c/o The Nadal's of Denouement.

    Seriously, fuck these clowns right up their pea-brained clackers.

    Up 21-5 versus the worst team in Australia? "Yeah don't worry, we got th
    Strewthcobber likes this.
  15. Dismal Pillock Tony Shaw (54)

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    Just imagine if messrs Jack Goodhue and Braydon Ennor, NZ rugby's current golden duo of 2019, both from Auckland Blues catchment area, had actually gone to the Blues.

    Thank God they didn't, says all of New Zealand.

    The both of them would have been ignored. Not early maturing island boys who carved up at high school therefore wouldve never got a look in. Probably right now playing club rugby for Marist and trying to hook up a 2nd division club gig in France or some shit.

    Artists Projection of Braydon Ennor circa 2025 if he'd gone to the Auckland Blues:

    [IMG]



    Artists Projection of Jack Goodhue casting an eye over his first ever Auckland Blues training session:

    [IMG]
  16. waiopehu oldboy David Wilson (68)

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  17. zer0 Bob Davidson (42)

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    I'm going to have to disagree here. Both Goodhue and Ennor played 1A, and were tagged as exceptional players in the Auckland academy. But Goodhue wanted to go to university -- such as Lincoln is -- to be a farmer, and the Canterbury/Crusaders academy had links with UC that was appealing to Ennor. Links that the Auckland/Blues don't have with UoA.

    Unfortunately Ennor will stay in Christchurch and form a midfield pairing with Goodhue, who will likely be moved to second five. That works for the Crusaders, but not for the All Blacks who need Goodhue playing at centre, not second five. It'd be somewhat ironic if if's the Crusaders who end up buggering up Conrad vII by not being team players...

    On that note, it'll also be interesting to see what happens in a few years when the Blues have Gibson, A.Ioane, Papali'i, Robinson and Michael Jones Jr on the books. Will NZR let them hoard that talent, or will they suddenly dial back the clock and break it up for the greater good (the greater good)?
    Dismal Pillock likes this.
  18. Dismal Pillock Tony Shaw (54)

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    Blues'll need every last one of them.

    Gibson gets injured putting his pants on.

    Akira will be a knackered carthorse within a year having played every minute of every match every week dating right back to his high school first XV debut at the age of 3.

    Robinson will be fine though, everyone knows Ranga's don't feel pain.
    zer0 likes this.
  19. waiopehu oldboy David Wilson (68)

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    cyclopath and Dismal Pillock like this.
  20. zer0 Bob Davidson (42)

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    We will need a fullback with Nanai leaving...
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