Auckland Blues vs The Bye

[Dismal Pillock]

Bright sunny day here at the utterly, utterly empty Eden Park.

Big test today for the hapless & winless Blues vs hot favourites The Bye

NZ TAB offering almost zero money that the opening kickoff will go directly to Ofa and he will immediately drop it.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Underway here and the kickoff has gone straight to Ofa and he has immediately dropped it.

The clouds gather blackly, a crack of thunder and it suddenly begins pissing down. The bench rise as one and head straight for the carpark. Fuck this. They're leaving.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Piutau makes an interstellar break! Stepping three, just one to beat now, offloads of Ofa who FFFFAAAAAHHHHK he's dropped it

Up in the coaches box Coach Kirwan looks elated. This must be part of the mission. Or the journey. Or something.

Kirwan's clearly audible giggling now echoes terrifyingly around a cavernously empty Eden Park.

The rain continues to grayly cascade down, like a grim torrent of old ladies dying incontinence.

A portent of dying dreams and stillborn careers.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Luke Braid-Whitelock has taken a knee. Looks to be an issue with a contact lens. Or maybe sand in his eye. Oh no. It's not. He's crying. He's crying his eyes out. This is not a flash look. Really starting to sob now. Great heaves as his chest rises and falls. He remains on one knee, crying, shielding his eyes with his hand.

Coach Kirwan looks on, grinning like a deranged monkey.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Braid-Whitelock has assumed the foetal position now.

They're calling for a stretcher.

Oh dear.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Halftime score 0-0. Let's cross to Coach Kirwan for a quick word.
"I thought we went really well, very pleased with the execution and endeavor, the 1st phase ball went to hand at least twice, we'll be looking to build on that, it's a learning process, let's not judge a book by its cover, it takes two to tango, one in the hand is worth two in the bush, Jesus, what day is it and where the hell am I?"

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Jimmy Cowan has emerged from the halftime break with a new tattoo. Maybe he hopes it'll make him tougher?

Oh dear.

They've misspelt "Blues" on his tattoo. It's all across his forehead.

Oh God.

Blues is not spelt "b-l-o-u-s-e", Jimmy.

He will be ever so upset when he finds out.

Luckily, the tattoo is upside-down so he'll never bloody know.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

After the 37th scrum reset Ofa has been subbed.

But there's no one on the bench to come on for him.

Oh God. It looks like he's been replaced by 3 kicking tees sellotaped together.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

The replacement prop is making a good fist of things despite only weighing 10 grams.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

After a long dreary spell of absolutely nothing happening on the field, Coach Kirwan bolts from the coaches box, runs down the Eden Park steps and proceeds to do an impromptu lap of honour. Grinning maniacally. Waving furiously to the empty stands.

The Blues replacement prop tries not to look.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

And that's fulltime.

0-0 your final score.

68 scrum resets, no tries, no successful penalty kicks, no players on the Auckland bench, they all fucked off in the first minute, Blues tears are pooled all over the field and Kirwan's head has exploded at the sheer uncontainable joy of it all.

 

[p.Tah]

Still laughing. Cracked me up

 

[Dctarget]

For some reason I couldn't find this riveting match on any of the channels, so your updates are much appreciated DP! March on Blues.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Gearing up for the rematch here.

Surely not another 0-0 draw this time around.

Gonna fuck you up, computer-generated bye.

You got nuthin' motherf**ker

 

[Nusadan]

Oh dearie, DP, if that's what you do whenever the Blues has a bye, I shudder to think when the off season rolls around!

 

[mudskipper]

I think who ever shows up will win this one...

 

[The_Brown_Hornet]

Mad genius. Love it!

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Kick off: Friday night, 3am

Venue:

It's only Thursday now but hooker James Parsons, AKA, The Alan Parsons Project, is surprisingly already at the match venue.

Hooker James Parsons, sighted limbering up in the carpark
outside the match venue. Two whole days before the match.

Someone thinks he's going to score.

That is one confused hooker!

 

[No4918]

If the Bye can't get a win this week or next against the Reds then i really think it should be kicked out of the comp. Even the Kings would fancy their chances of going back to back.

 

[Forcefield]

The Bye should be on at least two wins by now but they keep getting shafted by the ref.

#justiceforbakkiesthebye