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cyclopath

George Smith (75)
Staff member
^^^^^^^^ bored with your old one already?

View attachment 7228

Arms not long enough? Back not high enough? Cushion not yet perfectly moulded to your arse? All of the above? #godkingproblems

The Wolf-heads are a bit 70s metal, Pfitzy's damn ravens have shat all over the arms and Gagger won't pay for a refurb, and the frikken light in the back shits me - I mean EVERY FUCKING TIME SOMEONE REPORTS A POST IT COMES ON!!!!
I need to uncluttered so I can focus on the real task of Cleaning.
 

saulityvi

Syd Malcolm (24)
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A self made chair, solely for the purpose of having fun while deleting offensive posts
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Golf wanker Mickelson accused of cheating.

- -Golf Times.

Golfer Phil Mickelson has hinted at legal action after being accused by a fellow pro of "kicking it around most of the back nine".

Tiger Woods was quoted in The San Francisco Chronicle yesterday as saying that Mickelson "kicked it most of the way around the back nine when I played with him. He thought nobody was watching. He even whistled while he did it, to casually make it seem like nothing was happening".

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Mickelson (right) having to resort to using golf clubs because there are too many people watching him at the moment.

The USGA has a new rule this year clearly stipulating that kicking it around the back nine is a big no-no.

"No one watches him" continued Woods, "they're all watching me so he thinks he can just give it a casual sort of kick out of the rough and shit. Fucking obvious. Then he yells out "oh shit, earthquake!" as his ball squirts out from behind a tree or some garbage. F**king loser."

When asked yesterday about Wood's quote about him cheating, Mickelson declined to get into what he referred to as "my ball-kicking thing". Instead, he suggested that Woods should get back to work "carrying my fucking bag".
 
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Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
On This Day In World History: Sep 11 2018

--The New York Times--

The Day That One Local Drunken Halfwit Bogan Idiot in Wollongong Somehow Ended Up Solving the Vexing Issue of World Terrorism.

Sep 11th 2018 is a date that will be indelibly etched into history, for it is the date when one local drunken bogan's idiotic rumination from the comfort of his sofa in Wollongong 6 weeks previously ended up completely solving the vexing issue of world terrorism.

The man, a Mr Trevor Gunston of 666 Mycrackis Close, Wollongong today recalls that fateful day just 6 short weeks ago.

"I was parked up on the sofa in me gruds at home at the time when some news came on the telly about assorted terrorist wankers. So I says to Wayne, my ugly lazy fat c*nt brother who was sitting next to me thumbing through a half spoofed-out nudie book, 'well, the seppos can't nuke them, the psycho wanker nutjob turbanated fucks are too spread out. Can't send in the drones, they're still too spread out. Can't even send in snipers, that'd be needles in the haystack stuff. There's only one solution. The Final Solution. What? Oh, ok, not that then. I'll call it 'The Trevor Solution' instead, fuckya. Piece of piss. The entire world converts to Taliban. If we all call ourselves el queda cu*ts then they've won and the cu*ts have no bastards left to fight. Cos' we'll all be on the same side. "Death to the West? Oh fuck yeah mate, right behind you. Bloody wankers the lot of them'.

The seeds of world peace sown, Mr Gunston then reportedly hurriedly drove his stupid ute all the way to Canberra to inform "Prime Minister Bob Hawke" of his brilliant plan.

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"Save some piss for me ya drunk old fuck!"
--Mr T.Gunston.







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"Bugger me, that shitty old ute is moving at a speed of 438.7 mph. It will shatter the Wollongong/Canberra land speed record by 3 whole days at that rate."

Well, PM Hawke had long since retired but, somehow, after a stern word from Aunty Doris to the new PM via tele-phone, a bill was railroaded through parliament converting Australia to "an Islamic Taliban el Queda stronghold". All 6 of the taliban insurgent wankers sleeper celling it in Australia suddenly burst onto the streets and started partying like it was 1999 Spring Break Mardi Gras for 747 Blessed Virgins. Then they excitedly told their pals in the US of their stunning "victory", word spread, the US craftily "fell" to the Taliban, hey presto, domino effect worldwide, a few turbans here, some pillow cases there, kaftans for the hipsters, bibles torched in celebratory pyres, and 6 weeks later peace reigned supreme worldwide, everyone on the same side.

"The seppo christians took a bit of convincing" continued Mr Gunston "but once we informed them that each US citizen's share of the now dissolved US military rebate was $236,582 each they said "fuck the church then, you can turn our local one into santa's satanic mosque for pedos and lepers for all I care."
 

waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
AUSSIE CNUTS DESTROY PUB *

Brothers Wayne and Gene-O Gunston, from Woolloongong, Australia, have destroyed the historic Waikanae Hotel after getting "a bit pissed and a bit carried away" according to their Aunty Doris.

The brothers were contracted to rip up dome dodgy paving in the car park but after spending four hours drinking in the Sports Bar proceeded to quite literally bring the roof (and the walls) down.

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Regulars Stan, Stan, Eric and Stan, pictured above and who had earlier told the Gunstons to "F**k off back to Woollongong" were startled when a corner of the Sports Bar roof was ripped off, then forced to run for their lives when the second excavator was driven through the foyer, over the pool table & skidded to a halt at the bar.

The driver is said to have leaned out of the cab and asked for "a f**king XXXX in a fresh glass, and a pash". The unidentified barman is said to have replied that "we don't serve that shite here & I've promised my boyfriend not to pash the patrons, especially the really drunk ones".

News of the disaster has filtered through to the Levin Cosmopolitan Club, about 35 km further North. A Club spokesman, on hearing the news, said "so where the f**k does the bus stop on the way back from Westpac Stadium now? For f**ks sake no one tell @Dan54 or @Waiopehu Oldboy, those f**kers will go mental".

The Gunstons were last seen stumbling up State Highway 1, with one overhead assuring the other that "this is f**king kiwi land, they're f**king pissheads like us so there's bound to be a f**king pub just up the road".

- Waikanae Aged Care Times

* Actually demolished to make way for a Park And Ride for the zillions of Waikanaeans who catch the train to Wellywood every day. But the previous owners were Strayan so IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. Great little pub, almost as good as the one Christian Cullen's parents used to have at Paekakariki before it got destroyed by the big flood in 2003.
 

Hugh Jarse

Rocky Elsom (76)
Staff member
Eleanor Horton-Holmes recently travelled to Woolongong to attend the World Renowned Gunston Driving Academy.

She qualified on the difficult Yellow Belt Course. Only one more level to go for her to qualify on the notoriously difficult Black Belt Course.

 

waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
ROOKIE RAPPER CREDITS PARENTS

The man tipped to be Straya's next rap sensation says he owes it all to his Vietnamese parents giving him the name Phuc Dat Bich. Despite having yet to write or record anything, Bich finds himself at the centre of a multi-label bidding war that his manager, Wayne Gunston, intends to "milk for all its f**king worth, and then milk it some f**king more". Asked if Bich was a stage name, Gunston produced an Australian passport as proof that it was not:

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Gunston insists that his protégée's lack of musical ability is no impediment to global super-stardom. "Hasn't stopped Bieber, has it? Or that Mariah Carey trout. Look, music these days is all about image. And rap is mostly about disrespecting women. With a name like Phuc Dat Bich, how can he NOT be bigger than that Eminiem joker?"
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
the World Renowned Gunston Driving Academy.
Gidday fellers and Welcome to

The Driving School Gunston.

We're an affiliated & licenced school, once your cheque's cleared, you are **GUARANTEED** to have that licence mate, no fuckin' questions asked.

My name is Trevor. I'm your Instructor and Examiner. "Firm but fair", that's my policy. Oh, and just quietly, for all you lovely ladies out there trying to get a license, we could circumvent the whole "driving" and "testing" rigmarole and just park-up in the carpark behind the shed for a bit. This would greatly speed up the whole license acquiring process for you. Firm by fair, ladies, that's my policy.

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Trev "Trevor" Gunston (Driving Instructor & Examiner)





Gene "Gene-o" Gunston
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Gene-o's an idiot and has no association with The Driving School Gunston.





Wayne "Wayne-o" Gunston
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Wayne does stuff-all around here, a bit of painting and general miantenance once in a fuckin blue moon. Hopeless slacker. Half the time he's lurking around the dunnies down at the Redfern RSL stuffing urinal cakes into his quiff god knows why now maybe that's why he smells like King Tut's nuts.


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Have to admit though, Wayne-o may be a slack poof but he did do a top job painting the practice course. Can't wait til' the paint dries there so I can fire up the ute and have a practice burl straight past that STPO sign.


Right then, down to brass tax.

Here is The Written Test as completed by Gene-o. He scored a B+. Must've fuckin' cheated, he7s as thick as pig-shit. Fucked if I know why he pasted his ugly mug under every fvckin' question either. Maybe he finihsed early and was bored shitless. Anyway, swot up on this test if you want a B+, you hopeless wonky-driving alkies.

The Written Test
Name: Gene-o.


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Q1 What does a broken white line along the centre of the road mean?

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Fucked if I know.


















Q2 What does a continuous white line along the centre of the road signify?

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You're going too slow?
















Q3 On what occasions can you cross a continuous white line?

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When no prick is watching?

















Q5 Where there is a continuous and a broken white line along the centre of the road, which one do you obey?

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Aunty Doris. Always obey Aunty Doris.



















Q6 What does two broken white lines along the centre of the road indicate?

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Road Painter was shitfaced.


Probably Wayne.















Q7 Where would you see a broken yellow line?

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Anywhere after some bloke has had a slash?
Fuck, this test is hard.















Q8 What road markings would accompany a " No Entry" sign?

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Some sort of a swastika or "achtung!" emblem, I'd imagine. I'm no expert on the war though, so don't quote me on that.




















Q9 What does the white Zig-Zag line at a Zebra Crossing mean?

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Zebra Crossing.

























Q11 Where two cars are turning into the same road from opposite directions, one turning left the other right, who has priority?

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Valiant driver?



















Q12 Who has priority at a junction of equal importance?

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Is this now a woodwork test? Bevel? Beverly?



















Q13 Who has priority at a roundabout?

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Dougal.





















Q14 When can you overtake on the left or on the inside?

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When you are in the slipstream.
















Q15 What are the rules regarding Bus Lanes?

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Not too sure, squire.


Dougal might know.
 
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Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Q16 On what occasions should you give way to pedestrians?

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Who fuckin' cares, WHERE'S MY FUCKIN' PICTURE??














Q17 Where should you not overtake?

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Sorry, I don't know anything about the Stock Exchange.


















Q21 What would you do if you became dazzled?

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Turn around and go back for more dazzling.


















The Vehicle.

Q29 What lights should a car be equipped with?

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Monster Truck halogens for maximum effectiveness of anaesthesia. GO TREVOR, you ugly goat, give the pricks one from me!




















Q30 What is the Legal minimum thread depth of a tyre?

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Fucked if I know.





















Lights

Q32 What is the sequence for traffic lights. i.e. in what order do they change?

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Not sure squire, are those the things that come on at night?





















Q32A Where would you see a flashing RED light?

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Brothel?

Mate, honestly, I don't know. I'm saving myself for Mrs Right.




















Q33 What is a filter light?

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New-fangled ciggy lighter?




















Q36. lit2
You are turning right. Green circle light lit only. Is it necessary to wait for the filter light if junction clear of oncoming traffic?

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I think the ute's cigarette lighter is busted.




















Q37. What colour light is showing to oncoming traffic when the green circle light only is lit?

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You've lost me, chief.




















Q38. lite1
You are turning right. Straight ahead Green filter light and one red light lit. Is it necessary to wait for the right filter light if junction clear of oncoming traffic?

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Fuck me this test is hard.























Q39 You are approaching traffic lights and they change to amber, what action do you take?

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Easy mate, floor it.
WE BURN AT AMBER.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Q42 What is the purpose of the horn on a car?

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Revelry?





















Q43 What is the hand signal to indicate to a Pointsman (cop on traffic control) that you wish to go straight ahead at a junction?

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Don't be fuckin' stupid, we all know that signal.




















Q45 What is the legal meaning of a headlamp flash?

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I'm a chainsaw artiste, not a fuckin' coal miner. Smart arse.


















Pedestrian Crossing and Zebra Crossings.

Q46 What is the difference between a Zebra and a Pelican Crossing?

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You must be taking the piss here.

























Q47 What does a flashing amber light mean at a Pelican Crossing?

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I'll tell ya what it means, it means whoever made this test is on fuckin' drugs.




















Q48 How would you identify a Zebra Crossing at night?

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I wouldn't.


















Q49 How does an island (with beacon), in the centre of a Zebra Crossing affect the crossing?

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Makes it a bit bumpy?
























Q51 Describe what a zebra crossing looks like?

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Bit of a blur, really.
























Q52 How should a pedestrian claim priority at a crossing?

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Either put a big aussie flag up or just piss all over the area.


_________________________________

Great job, Gene-o, you stupid egg

So anyway, all you Sheilas just send off your $3,995 bucks and we'll get you booked-in to my backseat I mean to take the test.

Righto.

Trevor.

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Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Man Sentenced to 15 years for Shooting Girlfriend

--NZ Herald--
A local man has today been sentenced to 15 years behind bars for shooting his girlfriend through the bathroom door. The defendant has loudly and vehemently claimed he is innocent of the charge and that this is simply a case of mistaken identity. "No, no, you've got the wrong guy" the defendant yelled as the guilty verdict was read out. "I'm the one who fixed the cricket matches, not that other peg-legged twit. I've never killed anyone. I promise. I swear it".
The defendant has been granted interim name suppression.
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Name: SUPPRESSED.
As the verdict was read out by Interim Judge Dr Gordon "Gangbang" Gunston, the defendant could clearly be heard yelling at the judge "what the f**k is going on around here? Judge, are you sure you've got the right guy? I don't even have a wooden leg like you're stupidly gesturing I do up there. And is it normal for a judge to bring a pistol to a courtroom? And where is the jury? Isn't there supposed to be a jury? What the f**k is going o
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"GUILTY."
--Interim Judge Dr Gordon "Gangbang" Gunston.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Gunston Hitachi to supply world's fastest elevator.

---Technology- 06:11AM JST---

--TOKYO--


Hitachi said on Monday that it will provide the world’s fastest elevators, which can clock speeds of up to 1,200 meters per second, to a high-rise building in China.

"Yeah mate, new technology" said contracted spokesman "Mr Trevor" (pictured below). "We call it "The Gunston 3D TurboNuts'. The three D's stand for Death, Dogs and Dingoes. Nah mate, honestly i dunno what the three D's stand for. That's just a wild guess."


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"Elevator? Nah mate, this is my ute. Now please get the fuck out of the way."
--Hitachi spokesman Mr T.Gunston.

The lift, which was rigourously tested in the Woolongong Desert in Australia's outback, will be able to travel the length of the 440-meter building shaft—from the first to the 95th floor—in a stomach-churning 3.8 seconds.



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"This idiot isn't testing any lift. He's just driving that stupid ute around and around in the desert."

"Yeah, the bloke at Hitachi told me there might be a few chinks in the elevator to work through" continued Mr Gunston. "I even got the feeling that, as a Japanese, he wasn't overly fussed on the welfare of the chinamen in china to any degree whatsoever.
He didnt really seem to give a fuck about any of the 'slowing down' aspect of elevatorial things at all. Still, who gives a shit, the contract's signed, some nutsack exploded Mach 10 G-forced wankers in Asia somewhere now owe us $600 bucks."

China accounts for about 60% of global demand for elevators and, according to the
Japanese Hitachi official, is "pretty much hated by everyone worldwide so let's face it, a few less of the little bastards running around wouldn't really be mourned for too long in the overall scheme of things."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Auckland Blues buy Western Force

Dec 31st 2025

--NZ Herald--

In another nail in the coffin of Australian rugby, the Auckland Daewoo Rugby Union have today bought the ailing Western Force Super 27 rugby franchise in its entirety.

Even the severely-mutilated Willie Ripia statue out the front.

The Force are winless in Super Rugby since 2018 and it is believed the Auckland Blues will use the forlorn dusty outpost as a feeder club for the more unruly elements of their all-conquering dynasty.

The Blues are reigning Super 27 champions and winners of the last 4 Super Rugby titles in succession.

"Coupla days down the mines and these juvee boys from brotown Otahuhu will be ready to give it death on the hard fast tracks, borstal breakout-style, hold the phones, they're coming from everywhere" said newly anointed Force head coach Alby Mathewson.

A new name for the feeder franchise is undetermined as of yet although options are believed to include "The Western Blues", "The Daewoo Deathmarch" "The Blue Daewoo Landmines", and my personal favourite, "The Auckland Blues 2nd XV".

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The Force's home ground, now to be known as "The Other Other Eden Park."
--Sky sponsored by Daewoo.
--Willie Ripia statue now chained to goalpost, for its own safety.
--Pocock outside stadium protesting against sky.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Couple Enjoying Honeymoon in Dubai

--Telegraph--

A local couple are said to be enjoying a "dream honeymoon" in sunny Dubai. "The week has gone off without a hitch" said one of the newlyweds, a Mrs Sarah Clotforth of Bumclot-upon-Clasp, Essex.

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"The lights in the night sky are so beautiful."

"I've taken hundreds of photos" continued Clotforth. "And I'm pretty sure that my new husband isn't even a terrorist at all. Not even on the weekends."



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"Hi, mum. It's quite hot here. It cools down a bit at night but not by that much."
- Love, Sarah.

"My new husband has been a bit busy, popping out each day for a few hours to 'take care of his business' as he says but it's ok" continued the newlywed bride. "Last time he popped out he was mumbling something about 'baking the flanks of the infidel interlopers'? I don't know, he might be scoping out a new restaurant that just opened recently? Maybe we'll check it out together later!"



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"It's great here. Everywhere we go, we can smell the aroma of local barbeque cuisine."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Life sentence for 4-year-old 'a mistake' says Australian court.

--SMH--

Authorities in Australia have admitted that a life sentence for murder handed down by an Australian court to a four-year-old boy was a mistake.

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The perpetrator. Oh shit.

"I apologise" said presiding judge Dr Judge Gordon "Gangbang" Gunston. "It was my error. The sentence should have been for TWO consecutive life sentences" continued the judge. "That child lives in the house adjacent to mine and is always annoying the hell out of me, what with the toy rattle and the screaming and the farting and the bollocks attempts at singing childish songs."

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"GUILTY!"
--Judge Gunston.


The child was eventually found guilty of a long list of crimes by the presiding judge including "banging the fuck out of a toy rattle", "probably shitting in its pants", "farting at an annoying pitch - I'm sure it was him piss off it wasn't me", "screaming like a satanic cross-eyed banshee for no particular discernible reason at all" and "continuing to bang the FUCK out of a plastic toy rattle LOOOONG after common sense would dictate it still being amusing."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Three Australian brothers detained in Slovenia.

--SMH--

Three Australian brothers, messrs Wayne, Trevor and Gene Gunston of Wollongong, Australia have been detained at the Slovenian border for being stupid pricks.

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The 3 brothers were attempting to build a stupid little fence along the border of Slovenia. When queried as to why they were doing such a bloody stupid thing, spokesman Trevor Gunston responded "we're here on behalf of Australia. Aunty Doris said there's too many foreign bastards flooding into Wollongong. So we three decided to build a fence. To keep them out."


When Mr Gunston was asked why the brothers didn't build the fence actually in Australia instead, he retorted "Aunty Doris said the foreign wankers are flooding in from Syria."

When informed that Syria and Slovenia are completely different countries, Mr Gunston stated "oh shit."


The Minister for Australian Foreign Policy, Dr Gordon "Gangbang" Gunston of Wollongong announced "t
hese 3 clowns are not representative of Australian foreign policy. I am. And I am on my way to Slovakia to build an even bigger fence. Now piss off."


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"Bloody Serbs!"
--Judge Gordon Gunston.


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"Gidday, mate. Is this Syria? Sicily you say? Bugger."
--Trevor Gunston.
 
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