HELP NEEDED with daily news

[cyclopath]

Three Australian brothers detained in Slovenia.

--SMH--

Three Australian brothers, messrs Wayne, Trevor and Gene Gunston of Wollongong, Australia have been detained at the Slovenian border for being stupid pricks.

The 3 brothers were attempting to build a stupid little fence along the border of Slovenia. When queried as to why they were doing such a bloody stupid thing, spokesman Trevor Gunston responded "we're here on behalf of Australia. Aunty Doris said there's too many foreign bastards flooding into Wollongong. So we three decided to build a fence. To keep them out."

When Mr Gunston was asked why the brothers didn't build the fence actually in Australia instead, he retorted "Aunty Doris said the foreign wankers are flooding in from Syria."

When informed that Syria and Slovenia are completely different countries, Mr Gunston stated "oh shit."

The Minister for Australian Foreign Policy, Dr Gordon "Gangbang" Gunston of Wollongong announced "these 3 clowns are not representative of Australian foreign policy. I am. And I am on my way to Slovakia to build an even bigger fence. Now piss off."

"Bloody Serbs!"
--Judge Gordon Gunston.

"Gidday, mate. Is this Syria? Sicily you say? Bugger."
--Trevor Gunston.

Was it McCaw Safety Fencing? Benefit is it has NO FUCKING GATE!!!!

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Shell Oil acquire rights to rugby commentator's drill bit.

--NY Times--

Shell Oil have today announced the purchase of the rights to a Canterbury Crusaders rugby commentator's diamond-hard stiffy.

A spokesman for Shell stated "we were monitoring drilling activity in the North Sea when the meters suddenly went off the charts. Systems indicated the presence of a tiny little rock hard drill bit located in a rugby commentary box in Christchurch, New Zealand. Our shocked technicians ran some quick diagnostics and breathlessly announced that the individual in question is named Mr Tony Johnstone of Christchurch, New Zealand. Our charts indicate that when this individual is commentating matches involving the Canterbury Crusaders, he has a stiffy comprised of the hardest material known to man. We here at Shell Oil wish to utilise this tiny little diamond-hard drill bit to dig deep, deep, deep into the earth's bedrock in search of more motherfucking oil."

"Bugger me, we could drill right
through to f**kin' China with this
little thing."
--Shell Oil.

"We are now working through the logistics of the drilling operation" continued the spokesman. "We are currently considering using TJ's co-commentators and fellow Cantabs Andrew Mehrtens and Justin Marshall as mounted braces for Operation TJ, which should in theory work since that is also the function of the pair when they commentate Crusaders matches with him. They brace and stimulate TJ as he screams his nuts off over someone named 'Israel Dagg' and it is then that TJ's colossal tiny little concrete stiffy rages harder than the hardest fuckin' diamond on planet earth."

你好中国！

 

[Sully]

Publish it!

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk

 

[Gagger]

Publish it!

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk

Done

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Word on the street is its already been commissioned to dig a rescue tunnel for the Bloos' playoff chances.

Obviously no-one knows if even it can dig that deep so it's a "no cure, no pay" deal but Shell are willing to take the risk 'cos if it works they'll have recouped 98% of the purchase price & if it don't they'll just take it back & demand a refund plus damages.

 

[cyclopath]

Word on the street is its already been commissioned to dig a rescue tunnel for the Bloos' playoff chances.

Obviously no-one knows if even it can dig that deep so it's a "no cure, no pay" deal but Shell are willing to take the risk 'cos if it works they'll have recouped 98% of the purchase price & if it don't they'll just take it back & demand a refund plus damages.

I'm not replying to that twice so you'll have to read the front page.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

At this point I think @Dismal's other cunning plan, namely joining the Strayan conference mid-season, has more chance of success. They are, after all, a mere Table point behind the second-placed side & possibly the leaders if things go pear-shaped for the Ponies in Olde Sydney Towne tonight...........

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Offshore Applicant "Clear Front-Runner" for Vacant Crusaders Coaching Job.

--NZ Herald--

An offshore applicant has already been identified as the clear front-runner for the soon-to-be vacant Crusaders head coaching job. The position is open to application until the end of the season after the incumbent, Todd Blackadder, succeeded in delivering a sum total of zero Super Rugby titles in his eight years at the helm. Straight after Deans won 12 in a row.

"We may as well stop accepting applications right now" said one Crusaders front office spokesman. "This applicant ticks all the boxes. Clear thinking and a straight-forward, no-holds-barred attitude. I am fully confident that this applicant will take the Crusaders to where they need to be."

A copy of the stunning application in full:

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

At this point I think @Dismal's other cunning plan, namely joining the Strayan conference mid-season, has more chance of success. They are, after all, a mere Table point behind the second-placed side & possibly the leaders if things go pear-shaped for the Ponies in Olde Sydney Towne tonight.....

Current AustralAuckland Super Rugby Conference points table:

1. Brumbies (21)
2. Rebels (17)
3. Blues (16)
4. Waratahs (12)
5. Reds (8)
6. Force (6)

Mid-table with a bullet! First, they take Manhatten.....

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Offshore Applicant "Clear Front-Runner" for Vacant Crusaders Coaching Job.

--NZ Herald--

An offshore applicant has already been identified as the clear front-runner for the soon-to-be vacant Crusaders head coaching job. The position is open to application until the end of the season after the incumbent, Todd Blackadder, succeeded in delivering a sum total of zero Super Rugby titles in his eight years at the helm. Straight after Deans won 12 in a row.

"We may as well stop accepting applications right now" said one Crusaders front office spokesman. "This applicant ticks all the boxes. Clear thinking and a straight-forward, no-holds-barred attitude. I am fully confident that this applicant will take the Crusaders to where they need to be."

A copy of the stunning application in full:

You'll not make it through the interview. Honestly, you won't: see, they hook you up to a lie detector & ask a series of questions. Lie & you get a 19 gigavolt jolt directly to the ballsack; give an honest but unacceptable answer & you get a 23 gigavolt jolt directly to the ballsack.........

Question The First: Are you now, or have you ever been, a resident of the urban area commonly referred to as "Auckland"?

Nek minnit you be riding the Lightning

 

[cyclopath]

You'll not make it through the interview. Honestly, you won't: see, they hook you up to a lie detector & ask a series of questions. Lie & you get a 19 gigavolt jolt directly to the ballsack; give an honest but unacceptable answer & you get a 23 gigavolt jolt directly to the ballsack...

Question The First: Are you now, or have you ever been, a resident of the urban area commonly referred to as "Auckland"?

Nek minnit you be riding the Lightning

I hear the Pillock Bollocks are glass prostheses after a nasty incident on a reef off the Pitcairns in an early escape attempt. Immune even to a bolt from Thor's hammer.

 

[Teh Other Dave]

IImmune even to a bolt from Thor's hammer.

Which normally occurs after work on Friday, right before the Auckland Blues kick off. Yabba Dabba Doo.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

I hear the Pillock Bollocks are glass prostheses after a nasty incident on a reef off the Pitcairns in an early escape attempt. Immune even to a bolt from Thor's hammer.

At 23 gigavolts even glass conducts.............

 

[cyclopath]

At 23 gigavolts even glass conducts.....

Not Dragon-glass! Nothing but the blackest Obsidian for Dismal.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Question The First: Are you now, or have you ever been, a resident of the urban area commonly referred to as "Auckland"?

"Please name the 4 Horsemen of the Cantab Apocalypse."
"Don Hayes, Grizz Wyllie, Deans and Slackbladder."
"Good, you've got the job. Remember though, no more than 2 raro's in the forward pack at any one time. See you on Monday."

 

[boyo]

I hear the Pillock Bollocks are glass prostheses after a nasty incident on a reef off the Pitcairns in an early escape attempt. Immune even to a bolt from Thor's hammer.

Glass and a hammer aren't a good mix.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Local 4-Year Old Crowned King of Jokes.

--SMH--

"Oh yes, he is definitely the King of Jokes around here" said 8-year old Melissa Gurnedheight. "He just rides around on his tricycle telling his jokes to unsuspecting people, to both adults and children and before they know it, they're pissing mist and spilling scalding-hot Starbucks coffee all over their dicks. Or tipping over their trainer-wheeled chariots onto the grass, engulfed in delirious fits of laughter."

"If I've got 2 girls, 1 cup, and deez nuts then what have I got?"
"Oh shit, you told me this one before and it gets ugly" said young Sarah Peddleman as she sped off on her Schwinn.

"A granny tranny, an octopus, and a chinaman were waiting in the bukkake line when......."
"GAHH, Jesus, not that one" said 5-year old James Brownwaite, as he cupped his hands over his ears, closed his eyes, and ran off head-first into a tree.

"A jew, an arab, and a welshman were donkey punching an orphan mongol child in the 9/11 rubble when suddenly......"
"La la la, I can't hear you, motherfucker."

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Local woman purchases reading glasses.

--NZ Herald--

A local woman has purchased a pair of reading glasses. "I was finding myself going a wee bit cross-eyed just lately" said the woman. "No idea why."

The local woman, seen here sporting her brand-new reading glasses.

"Anyway, these stylish black-framed reading glasses should help me focus more on my casual reading" continued the local woman. "I like to read things such as the new Woman's Weekly and Derridian meta-texts on post deconstructionism. Hot air ballooning adventures? No, I have never read of such adventures. Why would you suggest a random topic such as that? Illustrated histories of Zeppelins? Another random suggestion that I really do fail to see the point of. Big Jugs Weekly? I'm sorry, but I have little interest in kitchenware periodicals. Well, anyway, how about we finish up with the interview there as I really do need to sit down for a bit to give my fucking huge tits a rest."

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Japan demands A-Bomb apology from President Obama.
--TOKYO-—

Japan continues to urge U.S President Barack Obama to apologize for the U.S. atomic bombings of Japan in 1945, even after Obama has returned home stateside after his historic visit to Hiroshima last month. Obama visited Hiroshima on May 27, becoming the first serving American president to do so.

"FUCK YOUUU, GAIJIN OBAMA,
WHERE IS MY WAR SORRY?"
--local MP (Moana Pasifika) Mr Kamei.

"Japan Army, I mean, Japan Friendly Aid Unit, was working their way through Asia in 1940's, spreading good cheer and food parcel" said Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, "when suddenly, in 1945, news comes through from back home that violent war criminal americans have dropped murderous and potentially lethal atomic bombs all over our mums dogs nuts. What the fuck, USA? Cock is meat murder all over our groin gristle."

"Which one of you big-nosed gaijin freak war criminal terrorists is the Obama? ANSWER ME."

"There we were, 1945, minding our own business" continued Abe, "having a good old sing-a-long in Burma, Japanese tea brewing on campfire, live chinaman roasting over an open fire, when hello, we get news from home that ballsacks have gone nuclear, testi's are radiation glowing all over the town, dicks are on fire, and bumcracks are melting all up and down the main drag. What the fuck, USA? Give peace a chance!"

..... therefore, here in makeshift Japanese Hague, I today pronounce that you are all GUILTY of war crime against Japanese Imperial Army I mean Japanese Imperial Aid Unit."

"Just working our way through Manchuria" continued Abe, "giving aid to needy dogbreed ching-chong citizens, handing out free chopsticks to those smelly cross-eyed rickshaw motherfuckers, instructing them on the finer points of Japanese bukkake queue etiquette, when what the fuck, a blinding light in the sky and suddenly Code Red, mum's cock has gone thermonuclear. What the fuck, America? If you want chopsticks, just ask for the fucking things!"

"We stop by with free complimentary chopsticks for friendly Pearl Harbour barbeque in 1940's and you repay us 4 years later with nuclear detonation? What the fuck, America? SAY SORRY."

"My Grandfather Kishi and Uncle Tojo were having a peaceful game of mahjong in parlour" continued Abe, "when suddenly bright nuclear burst and grandfather and uncle are both whisked off to War Tribunal Committee and strung up by their nuts by sundown. For what, America? Are you implying Uncle Tojo cheated at mahjong? He was man of honour! Obama must apologize not only for A-Bomb murders but also apologize for impeaching honour of Uncle Tojo as serious mahjong competitor."

"Drinks and refreshments will be served in the foyer afterwards. Thank you."

 

[Hugh Jarse]

Meanwhile in an isolated design studio in Stanwell Tops near Woollongong, Head of Design at Gunston Designs, Trevor Gunston is said to be rather upset that "Darren" has stolen his ideas.

"Darren" said Mr Gunston, "is full of it. His real name is Dazza. He only started calling himself 'Darren' when he made the shortlist after he stole all my ideas and put them is his bloody flag design.

"That little prick owes me a shit ton of VB and a box of Bundy Rum, OP".