• Welcome to the Green and Gold Rugby forums. As you can see we've upgraded the forums to new software. Your old logon details should work, just click the 'Login' button in the top right.

HELP NEEDED with daily news

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Taylor Swift's "first ever pimple" claim; FAKE - [Snopes]

--RST--

Truthbusting website Snopes.com have today announced singer Taylor Swift's infamous pimple, her self-reported "first ever pimple" last week, to be an elaborate fake.

According to Snopes, "The pimple was an implant, courtesy of noted Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr Ost Botha."



"A pathetic attempt by Swift to empathise with her 13-year old teenage girl fanbase", Snopes summarised.

The singer continues to angrily deny claims of falsehood. "What are you blind, look at the thing! I'm like some barnacle-faced pus receptacle. A lunar moonscape where my face once was. Hideous. An elephant man. A freak. Ringling Brothers material."

Swift's complexion 2 weeks ago;


skin_zpsmgr0y3qx.jpg







and then last week, ravaged by the "pimple";


skin_zpsmgr0y3qx.jpg

"Right there, on my cheek, what are you fuckin' blind? My
martian fans told me on twitter that they could see the fuckin' thing all the way from Neptune."

"It's all I've been thinking about", continued Swift, "this fucking huge monstrous great bulbous pimple. It's like a bright purple irridescent Mount Fuji. Shining like a newborn thing. I am distraught, I am suicidal. I have already begun working on a break-up song. I'm not saying if it's about the pimple or not but it's called 'My Pimple, so big the fat c*nt had it's own orbit."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Trump selects hologram as running mate

--AP Press--

Divisive U.S billionaire presidential candidate Donald Trump has today selected a computer-generated hologram as his presidential campaign running mate. The hologram’s name is Ken. “He’s like a Ken doll for old people” explained Trump.

A spokesman for the lab responsible for the 3-D creation of Ken proudly concluded that “this is the perfect computer-appropriated composite of a conservative right-wing politician. Pure data.”

pence_zpslj4xmer1.jpg

“Can you see him? What are you, blind? Of course you can see him, he’s right there standing next to me.”

“He’ll be perfect” beamed Trump. “Ken is automatically on board with all policy decisions. No answering back. Pure unwavering loyalty. Plus he hates the gays.”

pence_zpslj4xmer1.jpg

“<<GAAAAAYYYYZZZZZ>>”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Bloke jailed for depleting 8% of world’s ozone layer

--SMH--

A local bloke has been incarcerated for depleting 8% of the entire planet’s ozone layer with his hairspray.

“He has enough hairspray in there to send the Hindenburg to fucking Mars and back” stated Judge Gunston in is closing statements. “His name is Gene-o Monaro. He stands 6”8 and plays A-grade club rugby on the weekends. But that’s beside the point right now. What is more concerning is he has enough fluorocarbons in his hair to cause a polar bears pubes to burst into flames from 800,000 miles away.”

teresa-giudice-lg_zps343leuna.jpg

Gene-o Monaro: 6”8 rugby player with exploded pubes.

“I added 10 more years to the guilty parties sentence for the crime of entering my courtroom wearing a comically small jacket tied nonsensically around his waist, an item of clothing that will obviously never fit over the top of the big thick jacket he is already wearing.”

gpmod00.jpg

“10 more years!”

“As for the hairspray, when the plaintiff entered my courtroom, my thick swatch of dashing hair was greying in a distinguished manner” said the Judge. “By the time he left, my skull looked like the Amazonian rainforest had been shot through the flames of Satan’s arsepuck halfway to fucking Hades."

gpmodscalp.gif

“57 more years!”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Hillary Clinton advised to "pick a target, any target."

--New York Times--

Hillary Clinton has been advised by her campaign managers that the "first key task" of her presidency, is to "pick a target, any target, towelheads, ragheads, we don't give a sh*t who, then we march in and we bomb the living f**k out of them, bomb their sh*t halfway around the Cape of Good Cock and back."

hillary_zps4hhphkl4.gif

<<insert political descriptor here>>

The aptly named "Jeremy Bash", who served as chief of staff for the Pentagon and the Central Intelligence Agency, said "if this multi-billion dollar war machine doesnt get wheeled out of the hangar 83,000 times a day then the whole military death machine atrophies, probably taking the US economy down with it since every 3rd bastard in the US workforce now depends on the military for their livelihood. There's good money to be made in death so pick a baddie, any baddie, they hate us anyway, so what if they hate us just that bit more after we drone strike their collective dicks 17 ways of sideways. They're the baddies, we're always the goodies. Haven't you dickheads seen any of those movies?"
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Vegan parents face prison time.

--NZ Herald—

Two local parents are facing prison time after feeding their poor little child way the fuck too many vegetables.

vegan_zpstlodrzua.jpg

“What’s all this fuckin shit? All I see is rabbit food. I’m calling the fuckin' cops. Both of you 2 gestapo wankers are going to prison. Inhumane parenting.”
--Sarah Peddleman, aged 8.

“Haven’t those two old dickheads even read the popular children’s books of today? continued Peddleman. “‘The Little Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables’? Stone cold classic! ‘An Apple A Day Could Give You Cancer’? Should be taught in the fuckin’ schools!”

98966a92-3505-464d-bc3f-19c7cb8caa97_zpsqmrmhw1g.jpg

“I’m alright now. Once the cops took old Hansel & Gretel Shithead away in the paddy wagon I barbequed the family rabbit. Baked his little nuts right off. The groinsack was such a delectable treat!”
“Did you hear the one about the nun in prison, the garter belt, the rabbit and the huge carrot…”
“Oh fuck off!”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Clouds Completely Ruin Child’s Day

--NZ Herald--

Cloud cover has completely ruined a young child’s day in New Zealand. The offending nimbulus particulus have been photographed below, encroaching en masse upon what should be an idyllic view.


“The mountains too, Mummy. They are completely blocking my view of the horizon. MAKE IT STOP MUMMY. I FUCKING HATE THOSE MOUNTAINS.”

The clouds, sickeningly, appeared to be drifting to and fro of their own accord, unanswerable to anyone, impervious to criticism over their actions. Calls to the Meteorological Service by this reporter in regards to the clouds accountability over their unpredictable movements were met with what can only be described as “terse” responses.


“Mummy, they’re here too. Take me home immediately, Mummy. Mummy, do they have clouds in Saudi Arabia? I want to go to there NOW, Mummy.”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Too soon?

_______________________________________

Angelina Jolie sends her adopted kids back to Africa.

--People--

Recently divorced mega-star Angelina Jolie has reportedly sent all 6 of her kids back to Africa. Even the kids from China. And also all 3 of her biological kids.


"Biohazard, biological, I don't give a shit, just get on that fucking boat!"

The 6 tearful children have arrived in Botswana and been let loose to roam on a public game reserve. It is expected they will fossick for grubs for a bit before Jolie engineers a Hollywood happy ending for the 6 scabby little freeloading wankers.


"We could walk to Cape Town?"
"Don't worry, drama queen princess fairy nuts will have some prick come and pick us up once her precious saturation coverage biometrics have been met."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
the plot thickens....

Jennifer Aniston Adopts Brad Pitt.

--People--

Noted actress Jennifer Aniston has taken the unusual step of legally adopting her ex-husband Brad Pitt as her child.

“I am going to make a sex tape with him" said the actress. "An incest sex tape. In the tape, I will root my adopted son. Everyone will have a massive tug. It will be great. No more questions please.”

Meanwhile in Japan......

grot.jpg


"Where the FUCK are our copies? ANSWER ME"
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Child Complains Cruise Ship is “Too F**king White”

--RST--

A local child aboard a cruise ship has voiced a complaint that the offending vessel is painted a shade of white too bright.


The offending vessel.

“Mummy, this ship is too white” the child is reported to have claimed near the starboard aft. “The glare is hurting my eyes, mummy. I’m going fucking snowblind over here you fat slag. My eyes, my eyes, my fucking eyyyyes. Mummy, tell the ship captain to please paint this fat snowblinding c**t a darker shade of white overnight please mummy, pleeease.”
“Why don’t you just put on some sunglasses my de
“MY EYES, MY FUCKING EYES, I CAN’T OPEN MY FUCKING EYES MUMMY YOU GAY BLACK VIRGIN SHREW.”
“Ok dear I’ll call room service and ask to speak to the captain.”

The child is believed to be the same minor who earlier in the year issued warrants for the arrests of both of her parents.


“Mummy, if I open my eyes and those clouds are still there I’m calling the fucking cops. Negligent parenting. Both you c**ts can rot in fuckin' Gitmo for all I bloody care.”





“Mummy, are you there? I just opened my eyes and it’s all black in here. Where the f**k am I you fat shit?”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
http://stuff.co.nz/business/farming/85064314

Vegan Blogger Distraught She Can’t Root Sheep.

--Stuff--

A visiting American Vegan Blogger is said to be “distraught” that she missed an opportunity to root a truckload of sheep while riding the Inter-Island ferry.

“I forgot my big fucking strap-on dildo” said the distraught blogger. “There they all were, penned in, no escape, just waiting for me to saunter down there and roger them all, one by one, up the arse, under the clear blue sunny sky.”


“I forgot my big fucking dildo.”

“The very reason I became a vegan blogger in the first place was to keep animals alive so I could root more and more and more of them” continued the vegan blogger. “Possums, wombats, anteaters, I root them all.”


“Come on down and gizza root. We love the librarian look.”
 

waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
Vegan parents face prison time.

--NZ Herald—

Two local parents are facing prison time after feeding their poor little child way the fuck too many vegetables.

vegan_zpstlodrzua.jpg

“What’s all this fuckin shit? All I see is rabbit food. I’m calling the fuckin' cops. Both of you 2 gestapo wankers are going to prison. Inhumane parenting.”
--Sarah Peddleman, aged 8.

“Haven’t those two old dickheads even read the popular children’s books of today? continued Peddleman. “‘The Little Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables’? Stone cold classic! ‘An Apple A Day Could Give You Cancer’? Should be taught in the fuckin’ schools!”

98966a92-3505-464d-bc3f-19c7cb8caa97_zpsqmrmhw1g.jpg

“I’m alright now. Once the cops took old Hansel & Gretel Shithead away in the paddy wagon I barbequed the family rabbit. Baked his little nuts right off. The groinsack was such a delectable treat!”
“Did you hear the one about the nun in prison, the garter belt, the rabbit and the huge carrot…”
“Oh fuck off!”

Life imitates Art.....

http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/americ...nuts-now-she-faces-child-endangerment-charges

Had to happen and, YES, it was in America: where the fuck else did you think it'd be?
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Japan’s Minister for Pre-Teen Grot Mags Lost in Daze.


--Japan Today--

During a press conference today to discuss November shipments of Japan’s all-important pre-teen grot mags, Japan’s Minister for Pre-Teen Grot mags appeared to be lost in some sort of a glazed-eye kiddie rooting reverie.

jappolitics_zpsa3covcfj.png

”Minister, did you have a giant tug over the September issue yet? Minister?

As holder of the most important parliamentary post in the land, presiding over the cultural and financial backbone of the entire Japanese economy, and thus placed in a position of intense public scrutiny on a daily basis, the Minister has at times allowed himself to wander away into what could only be classed as a daydreaming tog-touching trance.

jappolitics_zpsa3covcfj.png

“Minister are you in fact playing pocket pool right now with your left hand as you think about November’s shipment of pre-teen grot mags? Minister? MINISTER! ANSWER ME YOU DOPEY CROSS-EYED WANKER.”

The Minister is under intense public pressure due to the very nature of his job. 94 million subscribers to the popular monthly “Sprogs in Togs” will do that. The last time a monthly shipment ran late by just 14 seconds, almost immediately an estimated 87,000 Japanese pedo’s hurled themselves in front of oncoming trains to end the anguish of being deprived for even one second of telephoto-lensed seaside pics of some sprog building a sandcastle in their gruds.

jappolitics_zpsa3covcfj.png

“Minister, will there be a Sprogs in Togs seaside centerfold this December? Minister? WILL THERE? ANSWER ME, MINISTER.”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Holidaymaker Planning Trip To Deserted Island

--Lifestyle--

A local holidaymaker is planning on taking his family on a “very, very brave and adventurous voyage” to a deserted island for the summer holidays.

island_zpsnikybzea.jpg

“You kids would not BELIEVE where we’re going for the whole two month summer hols...”

“It’s always been my dream to visit a deserted island” said the local holidaymaker. “And, as luck would have it, my travel agent has found the ideal location. According to him the island has ‘easy access’ and what he calls a ‘very, very familiar climate’. I’ve already begun to make plans. I’ll need to charter a boat. A sturdy enough craft to withstand the high seas. And one also equipped with state-of-the-art navigational equipment. The safety of my family is paramount and I wouldn’t want to get lost out on the frothing churning open seas. Also need to book some sort of accommodation. As I said to the travel agent, 'something that let’s in plenty of light.’"
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Pilots Confused Over Seating Arrangements

--Abu Dhabi Times—

Two local pilots are reportedly confused over rejigged seating arrangements aboard their bosses opulently refurbished 747 Jumbo Jet. The aircraft now has only one seat on the whole plane. None in the cockpit. None in the restroom.

goldjet_zpszbgrbcvz.jpg

“Um… are you going to ask him why there's no chairs in the cockpit?”
“Fuck no, you ask him.”

“Morons!” exclaimed the boss. “You may turn these two solid-gold trash receptacles here upside down and use them as makeshift stools for the duration of the journey. But do not shit in them. Only I may shit in them.”
“But Sir, to fly the plane we really need to…”
“STOOLS!”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Two Local Children Arrested for Cannibalism

--Reuters—

Two local children have been taken into custody after it was discovered that they ate their poor old fuckin Uncle Festus. In a pie. The deceased relative, who was thought to have been pottering about in the attic for the last “several years” had in fact been hacked apart and fed to the family over a number of months by the family housekeeper.

festus_zpsnqz6o36r.jpg

The housekeeper, pictured above on the left-hand side, just about to feed the family some more of the squishy remains of Uncle Festus from up in the attic.

“I am not a fucking housekeeper” said the large handsome black housekeeper. “I’m a goddamn gigolo. I cook and clean, yes, but my primary job description is rooting the mum, especially after Uncle Festus vanished. Fuck knows where the old git went. Have you seen him lately? The kids mum too, haven’t seen her in ages ahh fuck it, the guilt is too much, I confess. Mum went in the pies as well, sold a few online, good work if you can get it, order now while stocks last at www.steakfestusandmum.com”
 
Top