• Welcome to the Green and Gold Rugby forums. As you can see we've upgraded the forums to new software. Your old logon details should work, just click the 'Login' button in the top right.

HELP NEEDED with daily news

Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Toff Makes Hair Offer

--Times--

A local toff in Great Britain has offered a small child "50 quid" for her hair.

royal_zpscwc02smg.jpeg

"What, all my hair?
"No, no, just the back bits. And the top bits."

"Then, later on, I'll get your hair bits stapled to my own head" continued the local toff as the small girl's eyes started to well up with tears. "Come on shithead, whaddya say? You've got plenty of hair. Look, here, I even brought my own fuckin' hair jars so let's get busy filling the fuckin jars up with hair."
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Trump Selects Tom Petty As New Immigration Chief

--NY Times--

In something of a surprise move, President Trump has selected 80’s rocker Tom Petty as his new Immigration Chief. Mr Petty has no previous political experience whatsoever. “I’ve always been impressed by his detailed immigration manifesto” said Trump. “Very impressed. He's very detailed about it.”

tom-petty_zpsteicyiws.jpg

“Don’t come around here no morrre…”

“I like his attitude here” said Trump. “Brief and straight to the point.”



tom-petty_zpsteicyiws.jpg

“You don’t have to liiive like a refugeeee…”

“What? Of course refugees have to live like refugees… that’s what they are. Refugees. Maybe I’ll have to get Tom into the Oval Office and seek further policy clarification on this one...”



tom-petty_zpsteicyiws.jpg

“The waaiiiiting is the hardest part…”

“Excellent. Let the refugees and foreign freaks wait and wait and wait, all the while thinking waiting is the hardest part. Because Tom said it is. Maybe we’ll play that song at airport detention centers over and over again to confuse the waiting foreigners for a while until we set them to work building my huge fucking Mexican wall.”
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Gunston Pizza Goes Bankrupt

--Wollongong Gazette--

A local pizzeria has gone bankrupt after just one day in business. The pizzeria, run by the Gunston family of Wollongong, was attempting to use science to make their pizzas.

gunstonpizza_zpsvldp4z6q.jpg

“You want us to do what?”
--two science blokes.

“We had the perfect pizza template on the wall front and centre, all the blank pizza templates around it ready to go, plugs plugged in, gauges working and nothing fucken happened” said one of the proprietors, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong. “I reckon it was those two little science blokes at the desk” continued Mr Gunston. “I reckon the little wankers ate all the fucken pizzas at smoko. Fucken little arseholes. The two of them speccy bastards are gonna end up in the fuckin quarry by sundown I reckon.”

Related Articles:

--http://gunstonundertakers.wixsite.com/death

--Two Dead Science Bastards Found In Quarry.

--Two Dead Science Bastards Final Meal Was Gravel. Not Fucken Pizza.
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
wft already two Trumpster stories up there oh god here's another

Nuremburg Barbie Defects to Mexico.

--NY Times--

Amidst today's confusion in the US over the uncertain residential status of Middle Eastern immigrants, President Trump’s Nuremburg Barbie has quietly gone and defected to fuckin’ Mexico.

kelly_zpsevhw2ln2.jpg

“Hola, wankers.”
--Nuremburg Barbie in sunny downtown Mexico.

The blonde-haired reptilian ex-advisor to President Trump tonight explained that “I just cannot afford to donate any more of my fucken hair to the Trumpster. I'm getting dangerously thin up there. Plus, the orange psycho’s already fracked my pubes halfway to fucken Tijuana and back and gone and sewn the poor little shits to the top of his fuckin head.”

Upon being informed of the defection, President Trump immediately announced open auditions on the 25th floor of Trump Tower for the vacant position of Presidential Advisor “open to all chicks with blonde hair and big fucken blonde bushes.”
 
Tangawizi

Tangawizi

Peter Fenwicke (45)
waiopehu oldboy said:
Confirmation of something I think we've all known or at least suspected for quite some time now....

New Zealand:

It's not a mere archipelago.....

It's a freakin' CONTINENT, y'all!

View attachment 8929

So say eleven (that's right, ELEVEN!) scientists, one of whom is Strayan so it must be true!

http://www.stuff.co.nz/science/8950...andia-its-just-that-most-of-it-is-under-water
Click to expand...
Underwater continent.... tell 'em they're dreamin'.

Nice attempt at claiming all Fijian & Tongan players for the AB's though.

Sent from my SM-G920I using Tapatalk
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Hans The Austrian Completely Ruins Asian Winter Games. Again.

--AP Press--

Hans the Austrian ski jumper has turned up at the Asian Winter Games again and already completely ruined the whole fucken thing. The Games started in Japan today.

skijump_zps5lo862su.jpg

“It is my event ladies, it is ski juuuuuuuuum.....”
--Hans the Austrian.

“I have personal best jump of 184 metres” proclaimed the proud Austrian to demoralised event organisers in Sapporo, Japan today. “Your terrified cross-eyed chinamen falling down wet hill in wooden rickshaw daewoo ski's and painfully plopping to new personal best of 4 metres will be no match for me. NO MATCH, MEIN SCHWEINHUND.”

skijump_zps5lo862su.jpg

"Gold for Austriaaaaa....."

As an event spokesman lamented, “Hans wrecked the last Asian Winter Games too. We keep trying to explain the concept of Asian Winter Games to him but to no avail. He doesn’t even listen. As we talk to him he just keeps crouching down then going into his silly little ski jump pose. Although, just quietly, I must confess, his ski jump pose does have very nice form.”

skijump_zps5lo862su.jpg

"Suck it Daewooooooooo....."
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
North Korea Rugby Team Hire New Coach

--Japan Times—

The North Korean Rugby Union have today hired a new coach for their national rugby team.


nkorea_zpsgojzyknt.png

“Fuck yeah, I’ll do it! Let’s put these green goalposts up!”

The team are already kitted out in state-of-the-art rugby scrum caps. Unfortunately though, while wearing the protective headgear, the players can’t hear a single thing their new coach says.


nkorea_zpsgojzyknt.png

“CAN THESE C**TS EVEN HEAR ME THROUGH THESE BLOODY ACE SCRUM CAPS? GREEN GOALPOSTS! UP! NOW!”
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Perth Man En-Route To Sydney

--SMH--

A local Perth man, Mr S.H.Iggins is believed to be en-route from Perth to the Sydney ARU HQ where he is “just intending to pop in and have a polite chat over tea and biscuits” with ARU officials regarding the precarious future of the Western Force rugby team.

giphy.gif

“Can you believe the ARU laid landmines allll the way along this f***ing road with the express purpose of stopping me? Fat chance you **** ******* ****s.”


carconsole.jpg

“Code Red, Code Red, the ***** is still en route, I repeat, the **** is still en route.”
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top