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HELP NEEDED with daily news

Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by Gagger, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    NZ's Pregnant Prime Minister Finds Work Sub

    --NZ Herald--

    With New Zealand's pregnant Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern set for maternity leave the question is, who will run the country while she is incapacitated with her birth-hatch shits and struggles and fart bubbles? In something of a break from political protocol, Ardern's boyfriend Clarke Gayford has said he will "fill in for her at work."

    [IMG]
    "No, for the 10th time, his name is Gayford but he is not fucking gay. You deaf c**ts. For fucks sake he just rooted me up the shitter this morning. Twice. Hang on... maybe that means he is gay. Fuck. No further comment. Um, Clarke, a word..."

    Mr Gayford seemed fairly nonplussed over the responsibility of taking over a nation. "Yeah it'll get me out of the bloody house. Away from all that shrieking nappie-faced ruckus. The idea of babies sounds a bit demonic to me, all that screaming and shitting and wailing and 'me-bloody-first' theatrics. Plus it'd get me some precious time away from Princess Goebbels Mussolini there, barking her post natally depressed nuts off at me. It'll be easier running the fucken country. I mean what is there to do? We've got the world's 805th biggest economy. Fuck-all happens. Just make sure there's enough pies at the petrol stations and the rugby telecasts pop up on time. Righto."
    yourmatesam likes this.
  2. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Local Doctor's Successful Petition For Wheelchair Access

    --NY Times--

    Noted black hole physicist and former GG Allin lyrical collaborator Dr Stephen Hawking has today filed a successful motion with his local elementary school's PTA requiring the establishment to install wheelchair access and elevators so he can "roll in there like Ironside toting a motherfucking AK" and shoot the place to shit.

    "I'm not saying I will, but if I wake up one day, and feel like shooting up my local school, then I want wheelchair and elevator access" vocodered out the decorated doctor. "I haven't quite thought through how my useless limbs will even pick up a Glock let alone shoot one yet but it's an equation I am currently working on. I'm calling it the black hole all over your face theory."

    [IMG]
    "I've got a 9 in my lap.
    "To take care of that.
    "Caps get peeled on the regular.
    "Because niggaz try to get me for my cellular."

    --Dr Hawking outside his local elementary school, yesterday.
    yourmatesam likes this.
  3. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Local Artist To Go On College Speaking Tour
    --NY Times--

    With many prominent figures turning down speaking invites to US colleges due to the suffocatingly politically-correct ideologies of the delicate millenial snowflake student bodies, it comes as somewhat of a surprise that legendary deceased punk rocker Mr GG Allin has today announced a speaking tour of US colleges set to take place this year.


    Mr Allin's open casket will be wheeled out before the student unions, and, due to Mr Allin's current corporeal incapacitation, his speaking part will be provided by his long-term lyricist Dr Stephen Hawking.

    First stop will be Harvard University where Mr Allin will address the Harvard Student Union through his proxy Mr Hawking with a speech entitled "Hate Fukk Sick Faeces."

    [IMG]

    "Sexxx Tamponn Deth Hate Shart GAHHG."
    --voiced by Mr Hawking on behalf of Mr Allin.

    Mr Allin, who is now identified by the genderless pronoun of "they" after his tiny wanger rotted off in his casket, has even overseen the penning of a new song for the tour. The new track is entitled "I Am They." It will be sung by Mr Hawking to the tune of Neil Diamond's hit song "I Am I Said". Tea and biscuits will be served off Mr Allin's spotty soiled undergarments following the presentation.


  4. jimmydubs Dave Cowper (27)

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    Ummm have you seen the news?
  5. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    ShtinaTina, mst, cyclopath and 2 others like this.
  6. cyclopath Phil Waugh (73)

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    Damn, I need a ban button that works like that. A bit extreme, granted, but just knowing it was in the arsenal would be deterrent enough.
  7. jimmydubs Dave Cowper (27)

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    Reinforces how tough hawking was, 40+ years with als AND survived your first attempt the other week. Only to be pillocked by the second brain shart article.
  8. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Facebook Data Hack Reveals "Wollongong, Australia" As Earth's Wanking Epicentre.

    --SMH--

    Recent data hacks from Facebook have revealed that the epicentre of online porn consumption can be traced to a small house in Wollongong, Australia. "Yeah a bloke called Gene-o has pulled it at a bloody alarming rate since the first fucken day we started collecting stats" confided a Facebook data analyst. "Octopus bukkake, tranny grannies, donkey incest, bugger me there's basically nothing the bloke hasn't fucken tugged it to."

    [IMG]
    "You left out the amputee shit."
    --Gene-o of Wollongong.

    "Some other inhabitants of the house are also in our red zone" continued the analyst. "One individual named 'Trevor' is actually onto his third dick. He wore out the other two. Our data indicates he has perused no less than 812,922,001 video clips in the last 10 years specifically related to rooting car exhaust pipes. He is fucked in the head."

    [IMG]
    "This new one is some NASA shit, mate. Fucken silicon fibre."
    --Mr Trevor of Wollongong

    "However the most alarming statistic comes from, quite incredibly, yet another individual residing in the very same house, a Mr Wayne Gunston. He has only viewed the one video clip in the last 10 years of facebook records, however, he has viewed the one clip, which runs for 22 seconds, a chart-topping 2,902,399 times and counting. It is some sort of public dunny rooting clip where a bloke gets a urinal cake jammed up his bumcrack by some old lady. This drives Wayne wild. Sends him into the throes of sexual ecstasy. It's all he watches. He is a fucking lunatic."

    [IMG]
    "Might sign up for this facebook shit. Could do with a new vid."
    --Wayne.
  9. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Folau Undergoes Diversity Awareness Training
    --SMH--

    Rugby star Israel Folau, fresh off banishing gays to hell via twitter, has undergone some Diversity Training.

    "Yeah, I taped my mouth up and went for a run" said the hatefully homophobic religious zealot.

    [IMG]
    "Must... not... call... poofs... fags...or...send... to... hell..."

    "Didn't yell at any poofs, I mean pansies, I mean people who like some backdoor botty action, even once" proclaimed the viciously bigoted christian nutjob. "Plus I got fit in the process. Fit enough to chase the poofs and queers around a few levels of hell for a... ah bugger, I've relapsed there haven't I. Ok, Ok, I know the drill, another lap..."
    yourmatesam, boyo and cyclopath like this.
  10. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    All Blacks Assistant Coach Holds Emergency Press Conference

    --SMH--

    All Blacks Assistant Coach Ian Foster, having today been volunteered by the Herald to take on a coaching role with the bumbling Auckland Blues, has held an emergency press conference.

    "There I am safely ensconced aboard the gravy train, eating my mid-afternoon weetbix for brekkie, just prior to hitting the chaise for some leisurely book reading, then a bit of wine before yet another day on 666 Locomotive Easy St winds down, having not been required to do a single stroke of work since that sweet euro junket last November, when I pick up the Herald ond OH SHIT, some rude writer prick is stomping up and down between the gravy train carriages, snooping around for me and yelling about volunteering me for bloody extracurricular work, and worse than that it's at the dogshit Auckland Blues team AKA the resume Death Camp train. When all I have to do here in this world's sweetest gig with the AB's is lay low up here in my tastefully-appointed front carriage, be like head coach Steve, talk like Steve, try and get as fat as Steve, yeah baby, let that glory of the AB's winning percentage accrue on my resume in order for it to wax over my actual head coach resume, then sidle on into the head coach gig and continued tenured residence of Carriage 1, 666 Easy St, destination; paydirt."

    [IMG]
    "Like. Fuck. You fucken do it."
    yourmatesam likes this.
  11. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Steve Hawking's Final Will Request

    --Times--

    Today it has been revealed that the late great Dr Steve Hawking slipped one final request into his Last Will & Testament, one that has shocked and alarmed the tenured faculty at Cambridge University.

    "My final wish is that following my repatriation to the great black hole in the sky, my tenured chair of cosmology at Cambridge University should be passed on to my dear, dear friend 'Steve-o' of the TV show 'Jackass'. We also have the same first name so there's no need to change the name plate on the door. Steve-o will continue my research into black holes and quantum physics. Thanks."

    [IMG]
    --Newly tenured Cambridge professor emeritus and inventor
    of the jellyfish sombrero, Dr Steve-o.

    Dr Steve-o has today said he is proud to continue Dr Hawking's work. "Yeah, there are definitely some black holes in my head. I will research the shit out of those things. I will also start a new fraternity on the Cambridge campus. I'll call it 'Phi Kappa Delta Force Black Hole Black Death Black Metal Party. Wheelchair jellyfish sombrero races in the quad every lunchtime in honour of my dead little science buddy Steve. HELL YEAH!"
    yourmatesam and cyclopath like this.
  12. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Japanese Prime Minister Enrols Own Wife In KGB

    --Japan Times—

    In somewhat of a surprise diplomatic manoeuvre, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has today enrolled his wife, Akie, in the KGB. "She will be a great asset to both of our nations", murmured Abe to Soviet Premiere Vladimir Putin.

    [IMG]
    "No, no, Vlad. Of course I haven't told her yet. I'll leave that to you."

    "Whether it's indoctrinating the next generation of kindergarteners to right-wing fascist I mean to pinko communist ways, or working black ops in black sites, or mobilising the troops on the eastern front to resume the push through Manchuria, she will be your number one asset, Vlad." continued Abe. "Number fucking one. Spy shit? All that James Bond stuff? She could do that crap in her sleep. Just look at her. Not a goddamn man alive can tell when the bitch is lying" marveled Abe. "I don't even know what her real fucking name is. Evil lair chateau's, white dinner jackets still spotless after administering Martini and eggs benedict enemas to bad guys in guest room bathtubs, just prior to closing the deal with the silencered Luger, bring the Lada around the front Moneypenny, synchronized watches at 18:05, how many dead or alive?"

    The Soviet Premiere seemed pleased with Abe's pitch and promised to immediately fast track Abe's wife directly into the KGB's most elite crack murder death squad.

    [IMG]
    "Keep it dowwwwn Vlad, she doesn't know yet
    and the bitch can hear a pin drop from 50 yards."
    yourmatesam likes this.
  13. waiopehu oldboy Tim Horan (67)

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    Made I Laff did this one:

    "A 51-year-old woman has been arrested after riding a horse through a liquor store in Queensland while four times over the legal limit.

    "The intoxicated woman was arrested in the town of Logan, south of Brisbane, after allegedly riding the horse while drunk on Monday night.

    "According to police, she rode the horse from Marsden to the Logan City Tavern around 11.30pm and then, when asked, refused to leave the store. She then proceeded to go through the drive-through bottle shop.

    "The woman reportedly had a blood alcohol level of 0.226 per cent, more than four times the limit in Queensland.

    "The woman was arrested and charged with riding a horse while under the influence.

    "Police walked the horse back to the station and council workers then walked it back to Marsden.

    "The woman will appear in court later this month."

    Presumably she got refused at The Queenslander (which is in Marsden): why else would she ride all the way to Logan Central? :)
    boyo likes this.
  14. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Game Of Hide-And-Seek At G-7 Summit Ends In Stalemate

    --AP Press--

    A friendly game of hide-and-seek between assembled world leaders at the latest G-7 meeting has ended in an acrimonious stalemate after the US President Mr Donald Trump insisted that the other world leaders could not actually see him even though he was sitting right in front of them at the time.

    [IMG]
    "...no, no, you can't see me. And you can't prove you can see me. So I win the game. I am the President of The United States of America and my decision is final on this matter. I have won the game."

    Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe sided with his stateside political ally and claimed he could not see the US President. "The other world leaders tell me President Trump is sitting right there in front of me but it is difficult for foreigners to be trusted in these matters." Trump went further by addressing German Chancellor Angela Merkel as "Himmler's mum" and told her "don't be butthurt at me just cos' you guys went 0 for 2 in the wars. This is just a small game compared to those 2 events. It's not like this loss makes you 0 and 3. Maybe 0 and 2 and a half."
    swingpass, boyo and yourmatesam like this.
  15. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Elle Macpherson To Open Armpit Service Bay

    --SMH--

    Australian supermodel Elle "The Body" Macpherson is set to branch out from her highly successful Armpit Maintenance Web Blog and open up her very own Armpit Service Bay to be located in sunny downtown Wollongong, Australia.

    "Yep, it'll be just like a mechanic's service bay" said the legendary supermodel over the phone. "You trundle in, we winch your arms up and we give you a thorough armpit servicing. We will offer a wide range of affordable options, from barnacle scraping to weed whacking to dog-semen oiling right up to a solid 5-minute armpit licking from one of our highly-qualified staff members."

    [IMG]
    "I'm sorry, what was that second-to-last option you just said?"

    "No, I'm not personally working in the armpit service bay you stupid fuckwit" barked Macpherson down the phoneline. "Like hell. You think I'm gonna spend all day foraging around some revolting bastards hairy fucking armpit, plucking out their armpit nits, disgusting little white grubs wriggling around in their bushy fucken underarm hair jungle? I'm Elle fucken Mcpherson you fuckwit, not Elle fucken McArmpitNitHunter. Dickhead."

    [IMG]
    "No, that's not the dog we use for the semen
    oil, you blind bastard. That's his mum."
    boyo likes this.
  16. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    German Chancellor Narrows Down List Of Potential Hairspray Thieves.


    --AP Press--

    An incensed Angela Merkel has narrowed down her list of potential suspects who used up the last of her fucking hairspray colouring at this years G-7 summit to just one; Donald.J.Trump

    [IMG]
    "CONFESSSS!"

    "Where the fuck is it?" hissed the German Chancellor to a cornered Trump before a hushed room of world leaders.

    "Is she even speaking English because I cannot understand a word she's saying" brayed Trump "It's all strudel this and Hindenburg that. I'm not saying another word until I get an interpreter." Mr Trump was then politely informed that everyone present in the room, except for him, speaks at least 4 languages fluently, including German and English. "Oh well, throw another bratwurst on the autobahn then buddy" retorted Trump as Merkel glowered at the US President.

    "Hairspray colouring, I never use that stuff" continued Trump, "this is all natural baby, just a coincidence that Princess Doppelganger Goebbels here has the same hair colour as me. In fact, her hair looks fake to me, one stray spark on the autobahn and it'll go up like the Hindenburg."
    Gagger and cyclopath like this.
  17. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie To Square Off In WWF Grudge Match

    --NY Times--

    Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie have agreed to meet in a pay-per-view WWF wrestling match. The president's advisor versus the children's concentration camp commandant. No holds barred. The pair have never met before in a professional wrestling match.

    "I am going to fuck that nazi kiddie gitmo bitch up" yelled Nuremburg Barbie from her training camp in, ironically, Tijuana, Mexico where she now resides having defected from the U.S last year. "That predator-chinned swamp slag is going downnnnnn" retorted Burrito Barbie from behind her press pulpit at the White House.

    Burrito Barbie on the left and Nuremburg Barbie on the right;
    [IMG]


    .and in their wrestling garb in
    this press release photograph:
    [IMG]

    "After I fuck all of her shit up I will have her extradited from Mexico and incarcerated in my spic kiddie gitmo with all the other wetback dwarves" proclaimed Burrito Barbie. "My patented reverse flying suplex tortilla wrap manoeuvre will leave her in a motherfucking wheelchair. By the way, there is NO wheelchair access at my kiddie gitmo so she can sit outside in the rain crying with the other tardranching spics."

    "I will bite the hair right off her fucking head" announced Nurermburg Barbie. "Then I will send the blonde locks in an envelope to Big Donnie for his latest silky-smooth pube fracking upgrade. Silky smooth, Big Donnie, silky fucking smooth."
    Gagger and cyclopath like this.
  18. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Local Resident Wildly Horny For Postman.

    --Times--

    A local resident has confessed to being wildly horny for her local postie.

    "I get my hair done then put on my very best pearls in the hope he notices me" sighed the randy octagenarian pensioner. "My husband is mentally handicapped so he's utterly hopeless. Plus he's 97. The decrepit old git looks like he was mistakenly left out under a neighbouring planet's acid sun for about 60 years. Ugh. Phil, I think his name is. Really, at my age, one of my few remaining joys is the dashing young postman who comes by at about this time every day."

    [IMG]
    "He's fucking late today."

    "Oh, the things I would do to that boy" continued the randy old biddy, her teeth now bared and her eyes shining fervently. "I'd take him out on a fox hunt, then 'accidentally' shoot Phil in the brains, then ravish the cherubic lad under the brambles. For heavens sake, I don't even care what mail the boy brings. Cash in envelopes, deeds to islands, MI6 UFO cover-ups, invitations to rubbish kindy openings, I just don't dashed well care. I just want that boy to take a lap on my rain-soaked Brands Hatch."
    zer0 and boyo like this.
  19. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    NZ Space Programme Volunteer To Send Retiring English Rugby Referee Wayne Barnes Into Space

    --NZ Herald--

    The NZ Space Programme have made a kindly offer to send retiring English referee Wayne Barnes into deep, deep space. "We wouldn't send him to another galaxy or anything" they joked. "Nothing silly. Just somewhere up around Betelgeuse or some shit. He should be able to make his own way back. Just like that pass in 2007 made it's way BACK into the French players hands eh. C**t."

    READ MORE:

    * Barnes spacesuit to be made of donuts.
    * Latest Scientific Finding: forward is not backward.
    * Onehunga donut heist under investigation.
    * Richie and Ted already practising their 10, 9, 8 countdowns.
    * Barnes air supply judged at "minutes not days"

    Barnes told the Guardian he wants to give more time to his "other" job as a barrister specialising in bribery and corruption, specifically focusing on financial transactions involving sporting events although NOTHING involving a certain rugby match purported to have occurred in the year 2007.

    [IMG]
    "Are we nearly there yet?"


    The Honey Badger and zer0 like this.
  20. Dismal Pillock Greg Davis (50)

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    Local Doctor Accidentally Sworn In As New Supreme Court Judge

    --USA Today--

    A local doctor, testifying today before a senate committee in the US, has been accidentally sworn in as a new Supreme Court judge. The post is a lifetime tenured appointment and is irrevokable. "Yeah I handed her the wrong fucken bible" said substitute stenographer Mr Gene Gunston. "Sorry bout that. Fucken Old Testament vs New Testament. Very arcane ruling visa visor differing Bibles. They tell me it was a Constitutional revision cast in stone in 1862 by some drunk fuck and remained heretofore unknown until this very day. Oh well. I'm sure Doc will knuckle down and do the biz in the Supreme Court, whatever the fuck that's all about. The other rapist judge bloke can go get back on the piss. It's all he seems to fucken do anyway."

    [IMG]
    Doctor Ford, photographed here being
    accidentally sworn in as the newest
    lifetime-tenured Supreme Court judge.

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