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Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by Gagger, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Trump Laughs Off North Korean Nuclear Missiles; “As Small As Pencils”

    --USA Today—

    US President Donald Trump has today laughed off North Korea’s nuclear missiles as harmlessly small in size and stature. “Look at this actual photo of their latest missile” said the Commandeer-In-Chief as he held up a photograph (pictured below).

    [IMG]

    “Put your thumb next to the photo. Your thumbnail is the same size as their missile” continued Trump. “The missile looks even smaller next to my thumbnail because I have huge hands. Huge hands. It turns out their missiles are no bigger than sharpened pencil leads. No threat. So sad for North Korea. So sad. Our missiles are wayyy bigger. Huge in fact. Their little itty bitty ones are like pencil-lead sized firecrackers. They couldn’t even blow up a carpark with one of those. Sad. So sad.”
    cyclopath likes this.
  2. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    [IMG]
    U.S President Donald Trump has today selected the ARU (Australian Rugby Union) to chair a 48-72 hour “Inspection Window” to address Australia’s pressing climate change issues. The current sitting ARU panel is as pictured below:

    [IMG]

    “Inspection window? What fucken window? This stupid little room hasn’t even got any bloody windows” exclaimed sitting ARU Chairperson Mr D.Gunston. “Fuck this, how are we supposed to "chair an inspection window" in some stupid fahkin room that hasn't even got any fahkin windows? Are we supposed to drag our stupid little inspection chair over to the fucken inspection window and look outside to inspect the climate? NO FAHKIN WINDOWS. Some pricks just don't think these things through. Cooped up in here on a sunny day for 72 hours, fuck youz pricks, I’m off to the inspect the fucken climate at the beach, great weather, sunny day, baking hot out there, plenty of water in the ocean, climate change my cock.”
  3. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Local Nazi “Kind Of A Dickhead”.


    --USA Today—

    A local nazi has been labelled as “kind of a dickhead” by his neighbours. “His whole Hitler thing? I mean, come on” said one neighbor. “It’s bordering on obsessive. I mean, look at Hitler’s life. I mean, if you really look at it, as an overall body of work, the guy was hardly faultless. In fact, I’m going to come right out and say it; some of the decisions Hitler made during his life, in the cold light of day, have to be viewed as very questionable. Plus, ol' Adolf kind of played favourites there. Everyone just wants fairness and consistency but, with Hitler, if you were white with blonde hair, oh yeah, great guy or gal. But if you weren’t? That’s when you’d see his dark side. I think Hitler had a really dark side to his character. Plus, and I hate to be a nazi here, but the local nazi guy does a really shitty job of separating his trash.”

    [IMG]
    Local nazi guy: fucked up trash.

    Another neighbor complained over the local nazi's weaponry arsenal. “Every time you talk to him, over the fence or whatever, it’s all AK-this and semi-Glock that. I don’t even know what he’s talking about. Are they gun names? Did he ever stop to think that not all people share his level of interest in certain specific marginalized hobbies? He could do a bit better at reading the air. People have different fields of interest, you know?”

    [IMG]
    Local nazi guy: poor at incorporating the feelings of others.
    yourmatesam likes this.
  4. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Trump Says Mexico Using Rubble From Todays' Earthquake To Build His Wall.
    --USA Today--

    President Trump has instructed Mexico to use the rubble from today's earthquake to build his wall along the border of the United States and Mexico.

    [IMG]
    "Put the big bits on the bottom of the wall. That's how walls work. I know a lot about walls. A whole lot more than you guys."
    -President Trump

    "The wall already has its underlying structure" continued Trump. "My beautiful daughter Ivanka recently bought the Holocaust Wall off the Germans in Berlin. That wall was made in Germany so you know it's well made. Just like my daughter. Well made. Great engineering. Great lines. Great curves. Sweeping curves. Womanly curves. She's a woman. Maybe she's part German? It would surprise me you know, judging by how well built she is."

    "This Mexican contribution to their own wall can only make the wall stronger" continued Trump. "As I always say, strong walls bring people together. Also, giving the wall a Mexican flavor means the Mexican people can be proud of the homegrown nature of their wall. Bullfighting, tacos and wall. This is the new Axis of Happiness for the Mexican people. This is a great day for Mexico. A great day."
    yourmatesam likes this.
  5. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Australian Space Programme Reveal Objectives.
    --SMH--

    The Head of the Australian Space Programme, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong, has today revealed the objectives of the fledging multi-billion dollar programme.

    [IMG]
    Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong.
    --Head of the Australian Space Programme.

    "Yeah mate, first objective is to find the fucken dog. Having a squizz for the mangy c**t from the space ship satellite telescope would be the go I reckon. The fucken bastard went walkabout last week. Probably rolling around the neighbourhood rooting anything that moves. I know I would be if I could walk around naked rubbing my cock up against anything that took my fancy."

    "Second objective is getting my useless brother Gene-o his first ever root" continued Mr Gunston. "No one on earth wants to fuck the bastard but maybe someone in space will hahaha"

    [IMG]
    "Trevor you fucken cu"

    "Third objective is getting the space camera to have a perv thru the slat windows in the chicks bogs at the Redfern RSL. Especially on Friday nights when Raewyn is there in her halter top, pissed to the gills."

    "Fourth objective is to get an accurate reading as to exactly how fast my fucken ute can really go. No technology on earth has been able to accurately measure it so far. Maybe the c**ts in space will have better luck. Righto. There ya go mate. A multitude of objectives. 83.6 billion dollars of space technology well spent I reckon."

    [IMG]
    "For fucks sake, just too fast, can't get a reading, get the space station c**ts on the blower."
    yourmatesam and cyclopath like this.
  6. waiopehu oldboy John Eales (66)

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    Local Landmark To Get The Chop

    Newcastle, Australia

    Newcastle's most famous waterfront landmark, erected 30 years ago by local firm Gunston & Gunston Repilung to mark the Bicentenary of white Strayan settlement in 1988, is to be demolished.

    https://resources.stuff.co.nz/conte...enByNine.620x349.1n5rjp.png/1511920110757.jpg *

    *sorry, given the current state of G&GR I can't post the pic but you may want to click the link before reading on..

    Asked to comment, G&GR co-owner Gene Gunston said, "who gives a fuck? Expected it to fall over before Queenie came to open the fucker so I'm surprised it's lasted this long, we re-sold all the rebar & shit to some North Korean c*nt after we'd got our first progress payment. Had to give the building inspector a back- hander, of course, but then Aunty Doris got him in a compromising position & we made even more dosh selling the useless motherf*cker the pics & negs. Good times, those were."

    Mr Gunston refused, however, to comment on speculation that the structure was designed by Wayne Gunston in the men's toilets at the Newcastle RSL & modelled on his wang. "I don't know nothin' about that", Mr Gunston said, "you'd have to ask Wayne. Good luck finding him, last time I heard from him he was off to see old mate in North Korea with some steel pipes & the motor from his '86 Commodore."

    The owners of the building were also approached for comment but claimed to be unaware that the building had ever existed and, as such, would not be drawn on the demolition plans.

    The real story is here:

    https://www.stuff.co.nz/world/austr...embarrassing-erection-after-30-years-of-jokes
  7. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Trump Solves "Non-Existent" Climate Change Issue In 30 Seconds.

    --NY Times--

    President Donald Trump has today come up with a novel solution for the climate change issue currently manifesting itself globally in the form of rising ocean levels.

    "Look, they tell me the ocean levels are rising." said the skeptical Commander in Chief. "Personally, I don't believe it. Too much water? So what are they waiting for? Just use fire to burn the excess water off. Your local fire department can do that. Send a fire engine to the beach. They can use fire to lower the ocean levels. One beach at a time. Less water means lower ocean levels. That's basic science. Use fire. Fire is a well known heat generator. Fire can burn all sorts of things. Including water. Easy. Problem solved. Next!"

    [IMG]
    "Hurry the fuck up, get to that fucking beach, this global warming shit is a race against fuckin' time."
    cyclopath and yourmatesam like this.
  8. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Nuremburg Barbie Adjusting To Life In Mexico After Defection.

    --NY Times--

    President Trump's former right-wing I mean former right-hand confidante, Nuremburg Barbie, is said to be settling in well after defecting to fucken Mexico last month. She is now said to be almost fluent at speaking Mexican.

    [IMG]
    “Hola c**ts, el diablo dildo mein conquistador el gash pubes fracking time.”
    --Nuremburg Barbie buying a loaf of bread in sunny sperm-stained downtown Mexico.


    [IMG]
    “Hola taco-faced c**t, mein Berlin wall spic hombre el paso burrito tortilla?”
    --Nuremburg Barbie asking what time is the next bus to fucken Tijuana


    [IMG]
    “Hola mein sombrero el pubus memorandus Shell Oil Gulf of Mexico el gringo c**thead Pablo Escobar?”
    --Nuremburg Barbie in the supermarket asking where the fucken Tabasco sauce is.
    jimmydubs, cyclopath and yourmatesam like this.
  9. yourmatesam Dick Tooth (41)

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    Keep 'em coming Dismal, you're on fire mate.
  10. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Local Man Can’t Find Eclipse.

    --Korean Times—

    A local man has been unable to locate the eclipse in the sky.

    [IMG]
    “Where the fuck is it? I can’t see a fucking thing.”

    “Is it a solar eclipse or a lunar eclipse ahh fuck it what’s the difference I still can’t find the c**t” exclaimed the exasperated sky viewer to his assembled viewing party.

    [IMG]
    “HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?”
    cyclopath and yourmatesam like this.
  11. waiopehu oldboy John Eales (66)

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  12. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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  13. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    NZ's Pregnant Prime Minister Finds Work Sub

    --NZ Herald--

    With New Zealand's pregnant Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern set for maternity leave the question is, who will run the country while she is incapacitated with her birth-hatch shits and struggles and fart bubbles? In something of a break from political protocol, Ardern's boyfriend Clarke Gayford has said he will "fill in for her at work."

    [IMG]
    "No, for the 10th time, his name is Gayford but he is not fucking gay. You deaf c**ts. For fucks sake he just rooted me up the shitter this morning. Twice. Hang on... maybe that means he is gay. Fuck. No further comment. Um, Clarke, a word..."

    Mr Gayford seemed fairly nonplussed over the responsibility of taking over a nation. "Yeah it'll get me out of the bloody house. Away from all that shrieking nappie-faced ruckus. The idea of babies sounds a bit demonic to me, all that screaming and shitting and wailing and 'me-bloody-first' theatrics. Plus it'd get me some precious time away from Princess Goebbels Mussolini there, barking her post natally depressed nuts off at me. It'll be easier running the fucken country. I mean what is there to do? We've got the world's 805th biggest economy. Fuck-all happens. Just make sure there's enough pies at the petrol stations and the rugby telecasts pop up on time. Righto."
    yourmatesam likes this.
  14. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Local Doctor's Successful Petition For Wheelchair Access

    --NY Times--

    Noted black hole physicist and former GG Allin lyrical collaborator Dr Stephen Hawking has today filed a successful motion with his local elementary school's PTA requiring the establishment to install wheelchair access and elevators so he can "roll in there like Ironside toting a motherfucking AK" and shoot the place to shit.

    "I'm not saying I will, but if I wake up one day, and feel like shooting up my local school, then I want wheelchair and elevator access" vocodered out the decorated doctor. "I haven't quite thought through how my useless limbs will even pick up a Glock let alone shoot one yet but it's an equation I am currently working on. I'm calling it the black hole all over your face theory."

    [IMG]
    "I've got a 9 in my lap.
    "To take care of that.
    "Caps get peeled on the regular.
    "Because niggaz try to get me for my cellular."

    --Dr Hawking outside his local elementary school, yesterday.
    yourmatesam likes this.
  15. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Local Artist To Go On College Speaking Tour
    --NY Times--

    With many prominent figures turning down speaking invites to US colleges due to the suffocatingly politically-correct ideologies of the delicate millenial snowflake student bodies, it comes as somewhat of a surprise that legendary deceased punk rocker Mr GG Allin has today announced a speaking tour of US colleges set to take place this year.


    Mr Allin's open casket will be wheeled out before the student unions, and, due to Mr Allin's current corporeal incapacitation, his speaking part will be provided by his long-term lyricist Dr Stephen Hawking.

    First stop will be Harvard University where Mr Allin will address the Harvard Student Union through his proxy Mr Hawking with a speech entitled "Hate Fukk Sick Faeces."

    [IMG]

    "Sexxx Tamponn Deth Hate Shart GAHHG."
    --voiced by Mr Hawking on behalf of Mr Allin.

    Mr Allin, who is now identified by the genderless pronoun of "they" after his tiny wanger rotted off in his casket, has even overseen the penning of a new song for the tour. The new track is entitled "I Am They." It will be sung by Mr Hawking to the tune of Neil Diamond's hit song "I Am I Said". Tea and biscuits will be served off Mr Allin's spotty soiled undergarments following the presentation.


  16. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    Steve Hawking Says Poofs Could Die In Black Hole.

    --NY Times--

    Dr Steven Hawking has today made the stunning announcement that nonbinary identifying individuals could potentially be running the risk of being sucked into black holes.

    [IMG]

    Dr Hawking vocodered out via skype to his worldwide audience that "by not being restricted to two things or parts, nonbinary identifying individuals are therefore constructing themselves as being potentially comprised of infinite matter and are therefore potentially at risk of falling into a black hole. Also, that's how my motherfucking good buddy GG Allin died. By the way, I've been drinking all day and haven't proved this theoreoeom yet. Maybe if the poofs wore all black clothing like goths they could camouflage their nonbinary nature from the potential whirling vortex of black hole death. So wasted right now. I might start my own goth phase. Some arsehole make me a Sisters of Mercy mixtape <hic> ahh go fuck yerselves cunnn

    [IMG]
    "Check out the all black threads, motherfuckers. Thanks also to my fans for the sweet Death In June/Coil/Current 93 mixtapes. No fucken black holes for little Stevie Wonder here, peace out."
  17. jimmydubs Dave Cowper (27)

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    Ummm have you seen the news?
  18. Dismal Pillock John Thornett (49)

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    ShtinaTina, mst, cyclopath and 2 others like this.
  19. cyclopath Phil Waugh (73)

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    Damn, I need a ban button that works like that. A bit extreme, granted, but just knowing it was in the arsenal would be deterrent enough.
  20. jimmydubs Dave Cowper (27)

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    Reinforces how tough hawking was, 40+ years with als AND survived your first attempt the other week. Only to be pillocked by the second brain shart article.

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