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Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by Gagger, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Local Judge Throws Book At Jaywalker

    --USA Today

    Dec 25, 2019

    Local Judge Brett Kavanaugh has today taken the unprecedented step of sentencing a jaywalker to 300 years in Supermax prison. The court stenographers report reveals the judge, half drunk as per usual, as he has been for most of the calendar year since his Supreme Court nomination was quelched after an FBI investigation, to proclaim;
    "...fuck me, why is a jaywalker on trial in here... hold on... hang about... 'Flake', that name sounds familiar... no way... no fucking way... Jeffrey? Jeffrey fucking Flake? OH FUCK ME, fuck me Jesus, praise the Holy Trinity of Bud, Coors and Miller motherfucking Lite, it's THIS weasel turncoat C**T, in my motherfucking shitty little backwater courtroom. Uh, let me see, I sentence you to 30 years in Supermax. Sorry, what's that? Can't hear you, c**t. Oh, you said you wanted 300 years? Fine then, be my guest, FAG**T. Let the court record show that I am also ordering the exhumation of the corpses of Mr Jeffrey Dahmer - hey look, same first name, Flakers! - and Mr Charles Manson. SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW CELLMATES MOTHERFUCKER! Enjoy spending the next 300 years snacking on the rotting remains of your roomies Chucky and JD! Who's got dibs on the top bunk? <maniacal laughter> Oh fuck, <sound of rustling robes> so hard right now, don't mind me if I sexually assault my own ballsack right here and now under the motherfucking desk, OH YEAH, OH FUCK, feels so good, need to repair to my chambers right fucking now for the world's greatest ever tug, court adjourned motherfuckers, get the fuck out, everyone, go fuck yourselves."

    [IMG]
    "OH YEAH, OH YEAH, <sound of elbows banging on wall>


  2. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Surprise U.S Supreme Court Decision

    --NY Times--

    A local Australian woman has surprisingly been nominated as the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America. "We were all goddamn motherfucking terrified of Aunty Doris" confided a US senator anonymously, still trembling with fear. "She struck the fear of God into the entire Senate Committee and we immediately ratified her nomination and hurriedly swore her in. Jesus Christ do I need a drink."

    According to the newest Supreme Court Justice - to be addressed as "Aunty Doris Gunston of Wollongong fucken Australia" - she flicked on the telly and immediately knew the post was her true calling. "Plus my shithead nephew Wayne told me I am fucken perfect for the Supreme Court. I watch Judge Judy for a fucken start. Plus, there's Pizza Supreme. So where's my fucken chair c**ts and get the fuck out of my way."

    [IMG]

    Mrs Gunston has stated she has no partisan agenda. "Firm but fair, that is my policy" said the newly-appointed Judge Gunston. "I have 3 adult nephews who I still administer sound beatings to when the ugly little fucken c**ts step out of line. Gene-0 with his sly dog-fucking, Wayne with his fucken urinal cakes hidden in his hair dropping out all over the fucken house and Trevor propping up deep-frozen cadavers on the bloody sofa to watch telly all night for a fucken laugh."

    [IMG]

    When asked as to what her stance is on capital punishment, Aunty Doris had this to say:

    [IMG]

    And furthermore, when queried as to whether she has had a meeting with Donald Trump yet, Aunty Doris stated she has already sent the President some of her patented homemade scones "but the fat c**t hasn't even written back about the fuckers yet, for fucks sake, I made the little c**ts half fucken orange, just like his huge fucken head, what's not to like."

    [IMG]


  3. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Phil Kearns Tears Now Visible From Space

    --Science Today--


    Stunning satellite images have today revealed that beleaguered rugby commentator Phil Kearns tears are now visible from space.

    "Philip's national rugby team have lost 63 of their last 28 rugby football matches" said a quivering volcanology spokesman. "And this avalanche of losses is in turn causing Mr Kearns tears to pool at an alarming rate. The retinal seepage around the edges of the pool is particularly caustic and contains an alarming degree of butthurt."

    [IMG]
    Mr Kearns tears, as seen from space,
    6 billion miles directly above Wollongong.

    "This corrosive bubbling pool of death is placing a great strain on Wollongong and the surrounding areas" continued the spokesman. "We are recommending a full evacuation of Greater Wollongong prior to Australia's next rugby football match. I believe Australia's next scheduled opponent is the Luxemburg Crippled Children's Under-3's Burn Clinic. Actually, bugger me, we may as well sound the fucken klaxon now, everyone out!"


  4. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Chinamen Fuck Up The Moon.

    --NY Times--

    Following China's successful landing on the dark side of the moon, NASA reports are coming through that the asiatic space mariners have already fucked the whole place up completely.

    "They've only been there 20 fucken minutes and there's already fucken garbage everywhere" marvelled one NASA spokesman.

    [IMG]
    Those 'trees' they've photoshopped in aren't fooling anyone.
    --the dark side of the moon, yesterday.

    "Selfie sticks, fucken macdonalds wrappers, you name it" continued the NASA spokesman. "Bugger me, they've already got factories up and running there chundering out cheap fucken knock-off Nike bullshit.

    "20 fucken minutes and already the moon's air quality is unbreathable. Un-fucken-believable."
  5. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Grunter Taylor To Open Nail Salon.

    --Te Anau Gazette--

    Te Anau's rugby captain Grunter Taylor is to open Te Anau's first-ever nail salon.

    [IMG]
    "Yeah. We'll be stocking nails. At the nail salon. Maybe some hammers too. That's all."

    "So come on down to my nail salon and buy some nails you f**kwits" continued Taylor. "We have nails. And maybe some hammers too. Righto."
  6. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Jackson Estate Sues E.T For Bum Rape.
    --NY Times--

    The Michael Jackson estate have taken the unprecedented step of filing a lawsuit indicting E.T, the adorable extra-terrestrial who briefly visited the planet Earth back in 1982, for "fiddling with Jacko's space junk" in 1982.

    [IMG]
    Wacko Jacko and E.T back in happier times. Or were they.

    "E.T also fucked young Jacko right up his fucken space clacka" said Neverland Estate spokesman Tito Jackson in a hand-written statement. "Jacko told me afterwards, he thought E.T was just scoping out his bumcrack a bit back there in a friendly space fella sort of a way but then hello, suddenly we're blaming it on the boogie and it's Billie Jean right up Jacko's fucken Khyber" continued Tito. "We the Neverland Estate are filing under the motion that E.T took away Jacko's youthful innocence. That's why my little brother started rooting little boys. He became addicted to little boys bumcracks because of E.T, the pedo space wanker. The Neverland Estate are awaiting a response from E.T 's legal representatives as to whether this filthy space pedo will accept a plea bargain or plead guilty to all charges including but not limited to Bum Violation, Space Rooting, Bumcrack Engagement and Clacka Disruption."
  7. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Local Bachelor Finally Ties The Knot

    --Wollongong Gazette--

    Local bachelor Mr Wayne Gunston of number 666 Bumhole Close, Wollongong, NSFW, has finally tied the knot.

    Mr Gunston's bride's name is Raewyn Goolagong of Wollongong.

    [IMG]

    Mrs Raewyn Goolagong of Wollongong.

    "Yeah, I first laid eyes on her saw her last night" said Mr Gunston. "She was taking a dump in the urinal in the blokes dunnies at the Redfern RSL. Proposed to her on the spot. She was still mid-dump but quickly replied 'yeah righto, fuck it.' Good enough for me. Anyway, here we on Saturday morning and once we get back from this arvo's honeymoon down at the chip shop I reckon the wife could be put to good use in the family urinal cake smuggling business" continued Mr Gunston.

    [IMG]
    "Fucken cracker."
    -Mr Gunston.
    Related Articles:
    http://www.greenandgoldrugby.com/co...d-gold-rugby-network.13978/page-3#post-776421

    [IMG]
  8. Lindommer Andrew Slack (58)

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    Man Tries to Remove Pubic Hair at Gunston Beauty Salon

    Sorta sounds true.. Tried Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Cream

    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
    Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types. Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
    I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
    Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
    This wasn't doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering."Ooooh, that feels good".
    Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
    I can understand that having a sprout farted against her leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status.
    So to sum it up: Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.
    Dismal Pillock likes this.
  9. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    haha, yeah read that one before, a classic

    --------------------------------------------------


    Local Farm Infested With Flowers.


    --USA Today--

    A local potato farm has been recently ravaged by an unsightly infestation of flowers.

    [IMG]
    The infestation in question.

    "They disgust me" said the potato farmer. "I tried eating one of the useless red c**ts, just in case it was some weird new strain of potato but no. They are fucking flowers. All of them. Every last fucking one of them. Inedible, useless pongy little shits."


    [IMG]
    "Oh, just fuck off already."


    yourmatesam likes this.
  10. waiopehu oldboy Tim Horan (67)

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    I love it when shit like this* happens:

    "A teenager who tried to sue his school for banning him when he refused a chickenpox vaccine has come down with the contagious virus".

    https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/worl...-over-chickenpox-vaccine-gets-chickenpox.html

    * provided, of course, it's only the anti-vaxxers getting infected. Normal people should be able to sue their asses for endangering everyone else imo.

    As I've observed before, karma may be a bitch but she's got a wicked sense of humour :)
  11. jimmydubs Dave Cowper (27)

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    You may not like anti vaxxers but can't say I've ever seen them celebrating when someone gets a vaccine injury.

    Keep it classy huh
  12. waiopehu oldboy Tim Horan (67)

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    ^ It's fairly well documented that vaccines don't do what anti-vaxxers say they do. Makes them fair game imo.
  13. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Nuremburg Barbie Picks Up New Sponsor.

    --NY Times--

    The Special Counselor to President Trump, Dr Nuremburg Barbie, has today confirmed that her new sponsor is agrochemical giant Monsanto.

    "Yes, I can indeed confirm that I do now have a sponsorship deal with Monsanto. They reverse-engineered a fertiliser that once I spray it all up and down my birth hatch enables me to grow incredibly long pubes. Then, once the pubus memoralis reach the required length, they can be harvested and reappropriated on top of President Trump's head" stated the Special Counsel.

    "Yes, I can confirm that President Trump's hair is already comprised mostly of my pubes" confimed Nuremburg Barbie. "I would say about 98% of current growth. No further comment. No, 'Monsanto' is not a Mexican word. You must be thinking of the word 'mosquito'. That is a Mexican word. No further comment. Mattel? What has Mattel got to do with it? Pardon? Yes, I am paid handsomely for my contribution to world head piece. No, President Trump and I do not jokingly call his hair 'the Tijuana Twat Tassles' for a laugh. No further comment. No, we don't call his hair the Taco Trump Tower Triffids either. No, there are no side effects to the fertiliser. I just have foot-long pubes that's all."

    [IMG]
    yourmatesam likes this.
  14. jimmydubs Dave Cowper (27)

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    Fucking oath. They should all die.
    Noone should be able to have a contrarian opinion in our society and if they do fuck em.
    How's your goose step???
  15. waiopehu oldboy Tim Horan (67)

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    ^ well, no, of course they shouldn't all die. I hope the kid in the story got the necessary medical treatment, I just find it ironic that someone's rejection of fact-based medical science in favour of debunked scaremongering puts them in the position of needing said fact-based medical science to save them from the consequences.

    In broader terms I'm tolerant of pretty much anything that doesn't harm others or put them at serious risk of harm. The anti-vax myth is resulting in outbreaks of diseases that were all but eradicated before they came along. That's putting others (e.g. children too young to be vaccinated, the small percentage of people who've been vaccinated but can still get infected) at serious risk of harm IMO.
  16. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    HBO To Fund Miniseries Dramatisation On The Day TJ Went Thermonuclear

    --HBO--

    Following today's cataclysmic thermonuclear meltdown, the epicentre of which was believed to be the New Tinpot Lancaster Park rugby stadium in Christchurch, New Zealand, the US television company HBO have declared they will "break the bank" to fund a mini-series dramatisation of this epochal event.

    The seismic event occurred at the climax of the Crusaders versus Rebels rugby football match,"Never before has a human being achieved nuclear fission and triggered an actual nuclear meltdown" said a gobsmacked HBO executive. "We believe his name is 'TJ' but we are still trying to fish him out of the remains of his irradiated commentary booth. Miraculously, he survived the event due to the copious amounts of semen he'd expunged all over the place which formed a sort of anti-nuclear coating all over his body. Who knew."

    TJ's booth: somewhere down there.
    [IMG]

    "By halftime TJ was actually glowing and hot to the touch" said co-commentator and shriekingly annoying fucktard Justin Marshrill. "Then once Crotty dinged over the conversion to his own try to make it 66-0 I remember the final whistle sounding then everything went black."

    The HBO executive went on to say "we've made the executive decision to use the actual New Zealand accents even though they are largely unintelligible to the outside world. Yes, yes, of course we'll have subtitles. What? No. Fuck no. No chance. Zero. Justin Marshall will NOT be taking any part whatsoever in production and will receive no mention AT ALL during any part of the series. Let me make that very clear. That is in fact our primary objective for the entire making of the series. To whitewash his place in rugby commentary history. In fact, we will be spending the majority of our budget sourcing advice from 1980's KGB officers and the Kremlin as to how to do this with maximum efficiency. No more questions, you fucking arsehole."

  17. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Donald Trump Solves Climate Change.


    --USA Today--

    President Trump has today announced that he has a simple solution to the planet's rising ocean levels. "We have an excess of water? It will soon flood the planet? No biggie. We have volcanoes. It's simple. Pour the excess water down into the volcanoes to where the lava stuff is. Lava is hot and will turn the water into steam. That's Science 101. Hey presto, no more water. What are the science guys doing? Do I have to think of everything around here? Of course, this is very dangerous work to do manually because volcanoes are highly radioactive and are hot to the touch. So each science guy will only have 90 seconds to carry his bucket of water up the volcano to the crater edge to dump his water into the burning lava. We will have millions of scientists doing this climate changing task. A huge conga line of scientists, leading all the way up the volcano mountain. The hugest conga line. Huge. It'll be like a party for the science guys. Hey science guys, instead of complaining about climate change, get up off your asses and high-tail it up the volcano and fix the damn thing! I'm thinking of making this world-changing event into a reality TV show. A bit like 'The Apprentice' except maybe with a different title. Maybe 'Global Climate Volcano Love Island.' Or 'Climate Change Conga A-Go-Go Bucket Challenge.' Or 'Apprentice Science Guy Versus Lava.'

    [IMG]
    "Sometime today, science guy. Do you want climate change or not?"
  18. cyclopath Phil Waugh (73)

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    D-H-_PSUwAMxXRF.jpg-large.jpg


    ......all else is a secondary concern.
  19. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    "Fungal hallucinogen" sounds like magic mushrooms to me.

    So I should just tell the wife they're "herbs"?

    Grind it up into a powdered drink so she can swallow it easier?

    Asking for a friend.
  20. cyclopath Phil Waugh (73)

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    Mushroom risotto.
    Just remember to duct-tape your genitals in case they try to fall off.

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