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Ingore this thread - test only

Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by Lee Grant, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Welcome to The Gunston Family Home.

    Seaside Point.


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    "Gene-o, where's your stupid brother Trevor?
    "Skiing, Aunty Doris."































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    "Gene, did you cut that dead prick down from the tree?"
    "F**kin' hang on, I'm still taking a piss here."






































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    "What about now?"
    "For f**ks sake, Aunty Doris, hang the f**k on."

































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    "What about now?"
    "Last few drops."














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    "GENE-O, stop playing with it. You'll go blind again."
    "Yes, Aunty Doris."

































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    "GENE GUNSTON, YOU LET ME OUT OF THIS F**KING FRIDGE THIS INSTANT."
    "Uhh, I can't hear you, Aunty Doris."
    cyclopath and yourmatesam like this.
  2. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    101 Ways To Be Gloomier
    Gidday dickheads.

    Wayne Gunston here.


    [IMG]
    Dr fucken Wayne-o here.

    Now then, down to business. Are you sick of seeing all these happy fucken wankers all over the place? Fuck me, I am. There they are, fucken walking around with a spry spring to their step, smiling, sharing a laugh with their fuckwit friend over this or that, sometimes even waving their hair around in the sunlight as they throw their head back and laugh out loud in broad fucken daylight. Fuck these happy arseholes. You don't want to mistaken for one of these overbearing shits with their sunny dispositions and fuckhead kale yoga lattes.

    So read along to this helpful lifestyle blog entry entitled 101 Ways To Be Gloomier by me, Dr fucken Wayne Gunston.


    Avoid Nature.

    Getting outside in the fresh air is always a dumb fucken move. Whether it's driving rain or howling wind or standing in dogshit or some other miserable nature bullshit that befalls you, it is **ALWAYS** a fucken mistake to leave the fucken house. You go outside and oh, look, it's a dirty great fucking HILL you now have to walk up to get where you were stupidly intending to go. Fuck that shit. Go back inside. Dickhead. This neatly segues us into Point 2.


    Fuck Being Active.

    Physical activity causes your brain to release dystropical enzymes which can cause heart attacks in your brain. I know this because I've been at home all day smoking urinal cakes while sitting on the sofa. So stay on the sofa and watch your usual fucking horseshit on TV in order to avoid these potentially lethal enzymes. See, your breathing has returned to normal. Plus no bastard ever got fucken skin cancer via the sun by whacking it to Days Of Our Lives.


    Eat Shit.

    Did you know there is a 15% chance that you could reach 90 years of age if you eat seaweed and sip a bird sperm smoothie every morning for fucken breakfast? Wouldn't that be a treat! Fuck all that shit. Load up on grog and hamburgers and sausies and bikkies. Earth, you will not miss. Fuuuuuuuuck yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh.


    Avoid Positive People.

    I simply cannot stress this one enough, you fuckwits. You need to avoid all positive cnuts. Their good will and feelgood vibe is Highly Fucking Suspicious, not to mention completely unsustainable as a life-simulating simulacrum. It is also 100% fucken fake. As soon as the doors close these shitheads are maudlin old misery-guts just like you. Being a miserable cnut is the natural state of humanity so **AVOID** all fuckwits who glibly and pretentiously pretend to be otherwise. If you're backed into a corner and find yourself **HAVING** to interact with another human then make sure that the human is a negative arsehole. Just like you. They're you're fucken people! Thank fuck this cockhead is a piece of shit too!



    Practice Pessimism.


    You're going to die. Tomorrow will be worse. Cry now, cry later. These are just a few helpful mantras you can repeat to yourself as you have your mid-morning tug. This is something that takes exactly what it’s labeled: practice. Whack and chant. Repeat after me, whack and chant. You can do it! No, you don't need to be ambidextrous to whack and chant at the same time Trevor you fucken dumbarse. Being pessimistic and negative all the time can seem difficult or unrealistic, but the more we practice, the better we get! Start out with one little thing that tends to annoy or irritate those around you during a given day and make a promise to yourself to try to exploit this discomfort in a negative way. If this insidiously planned negativity seems hopelessly beyond your reach as a budding negative cnut then try waking up each day and saying aloud "thank fuck dozens of people will have a shit day today."



    Never Forgive Any Fucker.

    Have you ever heard the quote “holding onto anger is like drinking blood while some poor prick in the ICU is waiting for a blood transfusion?” Yeah that's from Plato so a dumb fucker like you probably wouldn't know it. This quote holds so much truth. When you hold a grudge and harbour anger for someone or something, it will fuel your negativity like a glowing fucken sun. Every day aim to make your sun burn brighter. The sun is essential to maintain life on earth. Do you want to the sun to go out? If there's no sun and it's dark all day you might accidentally drink orange juice instead of grog when you can't see the label on the bottle. Do you want a life without grog? Think! Fucking think these things through! Actions have consequences. So work on harbouring your grudges, feed them, fuel them, let them burn and pray for fire on the sun.


    NEVER Have A Pet.

    They're needy little shits. If I had a pet I would name it "Born Annoying" and tell it to fuck off.


    Never Smile.

    Smiling is shady as shit. Anyone who smiles at you is either a hippie, a druggie or a pedo. Fuck that shit. Smiling is unrealistic. What does this leering smiley tool want? Clint didn't smile once in 18 spaghetti westerns so there's no fucken reason a dipshit like you should start smiling at randos like there's a Jim Jones cookout in your pants. Pedo wanker.


    Don't Talk To Any Fucker.

    Staying silent is Gloomy Bastard 101. Why fucken bother? Small talk about the weather (shit) telly (shit) family (hopefully near death) is all just a waste of grog-in-mouth time. You didn't see Clint yakking about fucken petunias and azaleas in his new cabbage patch during any one of his epic 27 spaghetti westerns did you? Dickhead.


    Go To Work Then Fucken Die, You Fuckwit.

    Stop daydreaming about avoiding the inevitable. Go to work then fucken die. Dickhead.

    Righto.

    [IMG]
    "There were going to be 101 ways to be gloomier but I covered the fucker in 10 so get fucked."
    Dr Wayne-o.
    cyclopath likes this.
  3. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    [IMG]

    [IMG]“Log off that highly addictive dog-rooting website for five fucking minutes and GET FUCKIN’ BLOGGING, you deadbeat millenial shithead!”



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    Writing captivating headlines for your boring fucken Web Blog is an art and a necessity.

    Follow these tips for more powerful headlines.

    Seven Ways to Write Titles That Stand Out:


    1. Use the words “dog” and “porn” or any combination thereof in the fucken headline.

    2. Use “15 Ways To…” in the headline. That whole “57 Ways to blah blah” malarkie gimmick is fucken clickbait mania.

    3. Use “15 Ways To…” in the headline in tandem with the words “dog” AND “porn”. You’ll break the fucking internet.

    4. use a FUCKING HUGE font size

    5. change colours abruptly


    6. #7

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    [IMG]“Wow, those dogs are really going at it!”

    Get a Custom Gunston Domain for Your Website.

    When you upgrade your wordpress.com.gunston.web.blog plan, you get a FREE uber ride in the back of Trev’s ute to ANYWHERE in the greater Wollongong area!*

    *conditions apply

    *must be raining.

    Upgrade your plan NOW, you hopeless fuckwit!

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    Gunston Blogging PROTIP:

    A Foreign Wanker Spotlight

    A “Foreign Wanker Spotlight” is a great way to blog about those different looking wankers you might occasionally see walking about the fucken place looking like lost fucken foreign drongos.

    [IMG]Talk to a foreigner while touching them at the same time. It breaks the ice and makes them feel wanted. Who knows, you might get a root and finally have something to fucken blog about. They don’t all have nits you know, you racist dickhead.

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  4. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Gunston Web Blog Branding 101

    Gidday, Web Bloggers.

    Wayne Gunston here.

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    Now then, straight down to fucken business.

    Does your Web Blog have a brand?

    Your Web Blog Brand is a powerful strategy for building your Web Blog Business. Do you even know what a “brand” is you stupid dickhead? A brand is some shit like fucken Nike or Starbucks. Do you even know what those brands make? God, you are a stupid fucken bastard. I can see we’re going to have walk your dumb fat thicko arse RIGHT through this whole web blog brand scenario in tiny little fucken pigeon-toed baby steps.

    A web blog brand suggests how your company should be perceived and helps you connect with marks I mean customers. Here are some tips to help you facilitate Web Blog Brand Blog Awareness.

    Key components of brand identity.

    Branding encompasses a few key visual elements that work together you dumbarse.

    1. Tone

    What’s the voice of your brand like? Is it fun and playful or corporate and serious? Either way, your tone needs to incorporate a LOT of serious insults. People are idiots and need to be reminded of it at regular junctures. It serves to calibrate their neurological homeostasis. This is Brain Science 101, you stupid moran. We’ve already covered this in Web Blogging Insults 101. Do you have any memory at all of that you thicko Alzheimer’s fuckwit? ffs.

    Effective Web Branding at Work; Exhibit A:

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    “Oh man, I was feeling pretty good about myself today but I think this wonderfully-branded internet web blog has just reminded me, in piercingly caustic language, that I am a fat useless piece of shit.”


    2. Visual style

    Look at your brand visuals— do they have a consistent look to them? Well, they shouldn’t. Consistency is boring as shit. Break it up a bit. People are sick of the Nike swooshstika. Throw some dongers in there.

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    “Wow, I had no idea two huge cocks could be stretched into the shape of a swastika, hahaha.”


    3. Copy and language

    When your brand communicates with customers, does it always sound the same?

    BORING.

    Biff some rando swahili in there. Chuck a few gibberish terrorist arab squiggles in too. Keep motherfuckers on their toes.

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    “Thank God we stumbled across this internet web blog. I had no idea I was a knob-end in cyrrilic.”



    4. Logo

    A good logo creates a lasting impression on people who see it. The more offensive the logo is, the better. Burn that mofo into their retinas. Respect through fear, wankers.

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    “This huge swastika donger logo is repeated on every page. With little swastika donger logos all down both sides of the page. I am starting to find comically-large nazi cock regalia a comforting presence in my life.”


    Righto that’s all the advice for today.

    Frankly, that’s more than enough for a thick knobhead like you to handle in one go.


    Righto.

    -Wayne.

    [IMG]

    cyclopath likes this.
  5. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Illustrated History Of Naval Finery.

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    "It's settled then. Five of our hats for your sailing ship."











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    "Top show, these hats. Dashed top show."














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    "You go stand on the island of savages and I'll see if I can see your hat from here through this."










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    "I say, this note says "sideways hats were way more fun, you poncy dickhead."















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    "Captain, there's too much hat confusion here. This could possibly be the beginning of a hat mutiny."











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    "FUZZED-OUT HAT MUTINY RIOT! WHAT THE BLAZES? ARE THESE THE GRUNGE YEARS?"










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    "Lambchops conquered the hat mutiny. All is well. Set sail for the new world."












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    "This bearded hick has gone berserk with the lambchop look. Execute him."








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    "Boy, this note says you are to assume the position for 5 years below decks aboard the HMS Rogerings. Chop, chop."











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    "It was the making of you, lad."











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    "This moustache will cloak the pain of the rogerings I took."
















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    "I am old now yet I retain the moustache as a reminder of the back-door renderings I took below decks of the HMS Rogerings."
















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    "I say, this note says your father took one for the team aboard the HMS Rogerings. Top hole, old chap"













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    "You Sir, shall wear the semen-stained garmentry of your father and, like him, serve at Her Majesty's pleasure for five firm years below decks of the HMS Rogerings."


















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    "I say, is it just me or have these Wright Brothers brought with them the smell of semen?"














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    "I am sorry, good Sir, but I am not interested in the homosexual race. I prefer my men with lambchops."













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    "I say, this free sample says it will stain my white suit a bewitching shade of beigey semen. It says it will get me all the chicks."




















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    "That semen stink is really starting to get on my tits."












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    "What the fuck is that smell? Is it you or is it THAT guy?"









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    "Look, I know a perfectly good dry cleaner just off-base over here."
    "I'm good thanks dickhead."

    cyclopath likes this.
  6. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Lost Moon Landing Conversations Emerge


    --Science Weekly--


    Following the Apollo 11 Eagle landing on the surface of the moon, the two NASA astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin did not emerge from the capsule for 6 hours. What transpired during those 6 hours has long remained a mystery as transmission to Houston was lost.


    In a shocking discovery, tapes of the 6 hours of conversations have today been unearthed from an old shoebox found under Neil Armstrong's bed by his wife.


    [IMG]


    Neil: OK Buzz, let's go.
    Buzz: Go where?
    Neil: Go outside, to the moon's surface you big dope, where do you think?
    Buzz: I don't want to go. What if there's Martians out there?
    Neil: This is the moon, dummy. Martians are on Mars.
    Buzz: Oh.
    Neil: Here's your helmet, let's go.
    Buzz: This goldfish bowl thing? I don't look good in that. It makes my face look all puffy.
    Neil: Jesus. This gauge says we only had 25 seconds of fuel left.
    Buzz: It's ok. What's 25 seconds on moon time anyway? About 25 hours?
    Neil: No, dummy, moon time is the same as earth time.
    Buzz: Wh.. wh. so we were 25 seconds away from DYING?
    Neil: Yes.
    {{sounds of inconsolable sobbing that last for 45 minutes}}
    Neil: So, uh, Buzz.. about that moonwalk.
    Buzz: What?
    Neil: The m...
    Buzz: I WANT MY MUMMY!
    Neil: She's watching on the tv at home Buzz, just like all the millions of other earthlings just waiting for us to emerge from this capsule.
    Buzz: Who cares, we've been here for 2 hours now anyway, everyone will have changed channel by now.
    Neil: Worth a go anyway. We came all this way after all.
    Buzz: Neil, if Martians live on the moon then who lives on Mars?
    Neil: Buzz, we've discussed this before. Martians live on Mars.
    Buzz: Then who lives on the moon? Moonies?
    Neil: No Buzz, the Moonies are religious zealots back on earth.
    Buzz: I thought we were the first people on the moon?
    Neil: We are.
    Buzz: So Moonies didn't come from the moon and go back to earth?
    Neil: No.
    Buzz: You sure are clever Neil.
    Neil:...
    Buzz: OK. I'll go outside.
    Neil: Great!
    Buzz: But under one condition.
    Neil: What's that Buzz?
    Buzz: You have to go first. So if you die I can escape the moon and live to fight another day.
    Neil: OK.
    Buzz: Like in a James Bond film.
    Neil: Sure.
    Buzz: Good luck on the moon, Neil.
    Neil: Uh, you are coming right?
    Buzz: Yeah, sure, right behind ya.
    {{sniggering sound}}
    Neil: OK, let's pop these helmets on and get out there.
    Buzz: One small issue
    Neil: Gah, what is it now?
    Buzz: I haven't taken a dump for 4 days. I'm kind of backed up here, Neil.
    Neil: Who cares?
    Buzz: I care. What happens if the moon's gravity discombobulates my bowel equilibrium and I helplessly spray a backdoor shart all over my nice white spacesuit butt? Then the photos for all eternity will be of hero Neil Armstrong and ol' Brownstain Buzz over there, first man to shit on the moon.
    Neil: But we have fecal deposit units built into our suits Buzz.
    Buzz: I disabled mine at takeoff. Never trusted those things.
    Neil: Oh God.
    Buzz: Don't worry, we'll just wait it out. I can feel the brown bear poking at the cave door right now..
    {{rustling sound as Buzz completely disrobes}}
    {{4 hours later}}
    Buzz: OH YEAH! That's one small dump for Buzz but one giant cleanup operation for Collins, hahahahaha
    Neil: Hahahahahahaha
    {{Neil opens door}}
    Neil: That's one small step for...
    cyclopath likes this.
  7. cyclopath Phil Waugh (73)

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    You know Collins was downloading some cosmic porn on the old 64K lunar module computer. Pixellated AF, but space-grot all the same. ;)
    Dismal Pillock likes this.
  8. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Hope he remembered his space lube, don't want to "burn up on re-entry"
    cyclopath likes this.
  9. cyclopath Phil Waugh (73)

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    "The oven-mitt, I mean heat shield is on fire. Faaaaaaaaaarrrrrrkkkkkk! Brian Houston, we have a problem."
    Teh Other Dave likes this.
  10. Teh Other Dave Trevor Allan (34)

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    ASCII grot
    cyclopath likes this.
  11. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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