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Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by Reddy!, Jun 29, 2010.

  1. Reddy! Bob Davidson (42)

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    Jetstar have a killer deal at the moment where I can fly one way from the Gold Coast to Tokyo or Osaka for $249, and it's tempting to take up this offer for a week or 10days holiday with a mate or two.

    So who has been to Japan, Tokyo or Osaka, what have your experiences been and what are the things I must do or see? Places to stay? I gotta make a decision quick.
  2. Moses Simon Poidevin (60)

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    It's summer now, but in their winter the snow is supposedly amazing. Have been wanting a Japow holiday for years.
  3. DPK Peter Sullivan (51)

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    Parts of Tokyo are supposedly pretty much the same as Blade Runner.

    Isn't Japan one of the most expensive places to visit?
  4. RedsHappy Tony Shaw (54)

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    I have been to Japan about 15 times or more.

    1. Don't leave it too late; it gets very humid and sticky and bit oppressive in late July/August.
    2. Physically, Tokyo is a harsh and cold architectural beast of a place, BUT, the people are a joy of politeness, decency and civility, the food is just wonderful (if you like Japanese as I do), the Ginza, the Imperial Gardens and Palace intriguing and worth visiting. Worth going once for say 3-4 days max.
    3. Kyoto (old capital of Japan) (by bullet train) is the absolute jewel though. A magnificent journey into the deep heart of old Asia, its beauty, serenity, depth of character, the temples and such are stunning, and the gardens magnificent examples of Japanese obsession with detail. One of the finest places in Asia. 3 days can be easily spent there.
    4. Hotel rooms can be tiny! Do you research carefully, something a bit better and bigger is usually worth paying for.
    5. Generally, it's pricey country though less so now with the $A up over the last years.
  5. Reddy! Bob Davidson (42)

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    Okay thanks for those responses, that gives me a bit of food for thought.
  6. Jethro Tah Bob Loudon (25)

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    My tips for a visit to Japan:

    - buy a train pass before you get there as it's heaps cheaper.
    - skip Osaka and go straight to Kyoto, it's amazing, can't comment on Tokyo as I didn't make it there
    - the people are super friendly and its a very safe place to travel around
    - don't hesitate to 'borrow' a bike that's parked at the train station and return it later, its an accepted practise and everyone does it
    - you can buy alcohol 24hrs a day from vending machines
    - it is 10 times cheaper and heaps more fun to get a private room in an all night karaoke hall, including beer, instead of staying in a hotel and a great way to meet some locals, I was travelling with a mate and missed the last train back to where we were staying so did it and then did it every night thereafter and saved heaps of money.

    Do it. You only live once.
    Moses likes this.
  7. Jethro Tah Bob Loudon (25)

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    And if you are into skiing, go to South Korea as it's heaps cheaper, less crowded and more 'out there'.
  8. Reddy! Bob Davidson (42)

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    Mmm Kyoto sounds like the way to go. I may not be going now because I suspect the return airfare will be big, but anyway this is good to know as I will definitely make my way there one day.
  9. MajorlyRagerly Trevor Allan (34)

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    Japan is an amazing country, as a mate of mine said, it's not really Asia, but it's not really Western either.

    Have only been to Tokyo (multiple times) and Hokkaido for snow, but I can say its' one of the best places I've ever visted. Tokyo isn't as hard to get around as it used to be, Although the Japanese are extremely polite, they are also quite shy, so getting assitance when you require it can be quite tough. As a rule, assume none of them speak English. It's not quite true, but it's not far from it. Tokyo is extremely expensive to stay in. If you can, hook up with a local to help you out with restaurants etc. The "underground" food places are amazing experiences.

    But best of all, by a country mile, is the chicks. They are seriously hot. You just see beautiful woman everywhere, dressed to kill. It's awesome.
  10. Reddy! Bob Davidson (42)

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    Seriously, that's all anyone had to say, booking ticket now :p
  11. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Fuck Georgie, he went to prison so I took over!

    I'm Gene Gunston!

    Gidday and welcome to Gene Gunston's Japan Tours!

    We'll take you the length and breadth of this great country, a scenic picturesque Tour Of A Lifetime!

    Let's take a brief sneak preview of what's in store for you on The Japan Tour Of A Lifetime.


    Top notch digs. "The Blue House" it's called.
    No, of course that bloke isn't looking at us
    through binoculars. It's just the reflection.


    Only 27 hours into town by local yak taxi.

    One of the Tour Guides:


    "If you don't get back on that fucking bus then
    it's Operation Goodbye Ballsack. Like this."


    Tantalising stuff!



    Now would be an opportune time for a brief primer on Japanese history.
    Take a read of the information below to familiarize yourself with Japanese history.


    0-1392: Dong dynasty.
    1392-1945: No walkmans.
    1945: Seppos bomb the locals back to the Stone Age.
    1946: Walkman production begins at behest of new Seppo Overlords.
    2015: Gene-0's Tours kick off!! Go you good thing!

    Got all that? Good.

    And just in case you have any further stupid questions
    lurking in that dim cranium of yours, now would also be a good
    time to acquaint yourself with the TRAVEL ADVICE FAQ.


    Is it Safe?

    Is what safe?

    Group travel is not for me - can I travel there independently?

    Absolutely not. I forbid it.
    Get back on the bus.

    How much will the tour cost?


    Should I travel to Japan?

    Fuck, yes!

    How long does it take to get a visa?

    Leave all that shit to me. I know a bloke at the border.

    What is the food like?

    It's shit. Bring your own.

    Can we go anywhere we want?

    Sure! Fine! Go on then, fuck off, leave old Gene-o all on his lonesome.

    Can we talk to local people?

    If you insist.

    What happens if I need medical attention?

    Call a fuckin' doctor!

    What are the hotels like?

    Fairly sturdy.

    How many tourists go to Japan every year?

    Fuckin' hundreds!

    Have there been any changes in recent years?


    What are the trains and planes like? Are they safe?

    Just get on the bloody train would you

    Can I write about my trip?

    Why? It's gonna be a disaster. All your spare time will be taken up finding which part of Africa your fuckin' bags got sent to.

    Top shit, that FAQ. All your important questions answered.


    Right then, on with the brochure.

    Down to nuts and bolts.

    You want to root the locals?

    Leave it to old Gene-o, he'll see to it that you get your rancid little stump waxed.



    .and now for some of the Tour Posters that I drew all by myself.


    Book cover says "Gene-o's Tour Testimonials."

    Looks to be a pretty thick book there!

    In the background is our Japan Tour logo: the hammer, the sickle and the cock.

    Tour package includes all meals.


    "Boiled flowers for dinner! Get em' while they're hot!"


    "Gene-o's Tours: Ironing Out The Competition Since Way The Fuck Back."


    "Some day we'll find it. The Rainbow Connection.
    "The lovers. The Dreamers. And me."


    "Who wants a root?"


    Ever heard of "Bukkake?" You blokes will love this part of the tour.


    "Hands up who's been on the Bukkake Tour?"


    "Gene-o's Bukkake Picnic? It's just over there!"

    Righto, that's about all the info we have at present, we'll see you at the fuckin' airport!

    Bring all your fuckin' money!


    - Gene-o.

    Pfitzy, Scoey, oztimmay and 2 others like this.
  12. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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  13. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    The Japanese Woman.


    "Gangbang Gordon" Gordon Gunston here.

    Me, Gordon Gunston.
    Noted philanthropist,
    preeminent authority
    on Japanese women
    and yes, 4-time consort
    of a known homosexual.

    Today, I am here to instruct you on how to root a Japanese woman.

    From ensnarement, to courtship, along to 1st base, and so on, round the bases, until finally there you are at 3am in the womens restroom of your local Mcdonalds family restaurant, tanked up on Dutch courage, blearily waving your dishevelled spigot in the vague direction of a heavily-pixellated black thicket.

    Mine's a Negligent Chloroform Happy Set!

    So then, without further ado, hands where I can see them, sharpen up those HB pencils and let's go.

    Step 1. Holding hands.


    Figure 1. The male should immediately attempt to assert his dominance in the relationship by "accidentally" thrusting his fingernails up and under the females fingernails. This technique draws it's genesis from the bamboo torture of yesteryear.

    This lancing pain serves as the perfect segue to Figures 2 and 3. The pained woman, falling, in agony, gratefully accepts the strong consoling male hand as the male murmurs a half-hearted apology.

    If the initial thrust fails to delve under the female fingernail, the male should withdraw his hand and try again until successful. This is a crucial first step towards establishing lasting dominance in a relationship.

    Figure 4,5,6.
    After the agony of Figure 1, the female, half-falling, and blinded by her streams of tears, reaches up desperately for a steadying consoling hand. This is where you come in. The strong reliable male, there in her time of need. Her trauma from the fingernail pain will cause her to block that particular ordeal from her memory and simply recall your consoling touch.

    You are now, officially, on track to being one romantic motherfucker.

    Step 2. Holding hands (Advanced)


    Figure 1.
    Holding the females hand like so sows the perilious seed of MARRIAGE in the impetuous and insecure womans head.
    "Ooh, ooh, he's sizing me up for a ring, he is" she thinks.
    All the while, of course, the man is thinking of nothing more than tilling her black cabbage patch with his roto-rooter.

    Figure 2.
    Austere and chivalrous, the mans sincerity is overt as he draws the woman closer, making a point not to look at her teeth.

    Figure 3.
    The man feigns admiration of the womans graceful digits. A cunning ruse. By doing this, the man has subliminally relayed his true intentions to the dullard woman by having her point her fingers directly towards his tiny wee Action Jackson (still concealed at this stage).

    Step 3. Walking together.


    Figure 1.
    The mans arm MUST be positioned in front of the womans in order to ASSERT DOMINANCE. This careful groundwork and attention to detail will serve the man well later on in the relationship, in the bedroom, when he drunkenly attempts to mount the poor woman like a mad dog in heat.

    Figure 2.
    Woman love this strong, dignified position. The man should grin and bear it, appeasing himself with daydreamed images of the woman's gaping black vagina.

    Figure 3.
    Yes, this position looks like something Stevie Wonder might try, but look again. Yes, it's the patented Gunstonian Reverse-Overlapping Bicep Forelock Inadvertent Cockbrush Manoeuvre. The woman's hand has been correctly positioned North by Northwest of the man's slumbering stumpage. It'll only take a couple of ungainly strides and she'll be unwittingly knocking on old John Thomas's door. This in turn will trigger the mans biological release of alluring pheromones, cascading over the woman, further enhancing the prospect, in the near future, of Sausage Time.

    Figure 4.
    An advanced version of figure 3.

    Figures 5,6,7,8.
    Again, the womans fingers are positioned pointing towards the mans knob. All things lead to the knob.

    Next week; 2nd base: "Managing your Negligent Chloroform bullpen"
  14. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    The Japanese Woman: Part II


    It's me, your friendly neighbourhood Uncle Gordon "Gangbang" Gunston here again.

    Gordon Gunston:
    Noted philanthropist,
    preeminent authority
    on Japanese women and
    yes, now a 12-time consort
    of a known homosexual.

    2nd base

    It is common knowledge that women take great pains to physically misrepresent themselves in order to lure prospective males into their sticky webs. They conceal their true nature with an alluring, elaborately-crafted ensemble of industrial chemical compounds and solutions, peacock-like coiffures, enticing, coquettishly trussed thoraxes and generally misleading physiognomy.

    This beguiling bait is fashioned with the express purpose of overriding mans commonsense function and appealing to the males most base and basic precept; The Lure Of The Rut.

    Once the male is ensnared, the woman has no qualms about letting herself freefall back to her natural state and then beyond into gluttony and guiltless physical disrepair. For her, the game is won.

    The male needs to beat the female at their own game. This is done by appearing to fall prey to the lure while stridently maintaining his Root And Leave agenda.

    "Up the Khyber then out the tradesmans".


    Figure 1.

    Peeling a swatch of hair back under the pretense of "checking for head lice" is an excellent way of testing the woman's pain threshold.

    The female thinks the male is genuinely caring for her wellbeing.
    "He is being somewhat rough but he must have my best interests at heart. Particularly after he sized up my finger for a marriage ring with such attention earlier on." Yes, she thinks, he is examining me for progenerative purposes. "He must be curious about the possible physical make-up of our future children."

    Look at this one, oblivious to the pain as she thinks of bassinet colours and mobile arrangements. Yes, she's picturing the mobiles fluttering languidly in the balmy morning breeze as she rests indoors, assured in the knowledge that her days of doing any actual work.. are over. It's Easy Street, Population: Me she thinks to herself. Just spend the morning nattering on the phone to friends, then it's the lunchtime soapies, onto a few stiff sherries in the afternoon and Bobs yer uncle. Half in the bag by dusk, another cushy, workless day winds down on 0800 Easy Street.

    Figure 2.
    Publicly forcing the woman into performing trite, demeaning and galling tasks reinforces your status as a classic dominant "hunter" male; capable of success at the expense of others in the workplace and thus capable of providing the financial security stipulated in every line of the workshy females agenda.

    The public humiliation depicted in Figure 2 also serves to test the female. Observe how keenly she wants access to your bank account and with it, her accession to her base desire (as outlined in the female agenda paragraph 2, Figure 1. re; "Easy Street.")


    Figure 1.
    The Japanese female frets over her eyelids. Her tiny mind is awash with insecurity and paranoia over the things. Single lids, double lids, slashed lids, jam jar lids. Her mind is rife with concern concerning the delineations differentiating these conditions. The Japanese male feigns concern. While the females eyes are closed he stares at her breasts.

    Figure 2.
    The Japanese females are notoriously cross-eyed and it's best to keep them that way. See the skilled male stroke the bridge of the females nose under the pretense of "affection" (see; "Duplicity", Chapter 6). Poor eyesight in the Japanese female will greatly aid the chicanery to follow in Figure 4.

    Figure 3.
    Horse racing is a popular sport in Japan.


    Figure 4.
    On average, measuring in fully erect at 1.3 inches, the Japanese male penis is infamously small. By way of comparison my own TubbyTown Truncheon of Terror is 2.8 inches in length when fully mobilised. Yes, more than 3 times the size. Crikey. Some of us are just born with it, I suppose. Certainly not here to gloat about that though.

    Small, yes, but with sleight of hand coupled with deft use of lighting, it is a small concern for the Japanese male as evidenced by their experience pioneering small gadgetry such as the Sony Walkman and The Microchip, the Japanese male is well accustomed to dexterous handling of undersized units. This serves him well when having to deal with his microdot of gristle.

    First, the Japanese male arouses himself, as always, with salacious thoughts of high school study nights under the desk with mother.

    Correctly, the Japanese male pictured above is going to great pains to only reveal the head of his erect penis to the Japanese female. It is not hydroponics. 4/5ths of the iceberg are not below the surface. She need never know. At the future juncture of the relationship (see closing chapter "The Male End-Game") involving The Rut, the lights will be dimmed.

    See the female smile? The non-mosaiced penis may have her confused but she still sees the penis for what it is. A one-touch keypad to Easy Street.

    777 Easy Street.

    Leafy suburbs. Texas tea. Swimming pools.
  15. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Japan Prime Minister En Route to Pearl Harbour

    --Japan Times--

    Japan's Prime Minister Abe is reportedly already "en route" to Pearl Harbour for the first-ever visit by a Japanese Prime Minister.

    Mr Abe is however believed to be flying to the US Naval Base as the sole occupant of a Japanese WWII Mitsubishi Zero fighter plane.

    "Don't panic, c**ts. The fucken guns've been disabled ACK ACK ACK hahaha, just fuckin' with ya."

    Mr Abe has no previous experience piloting any aircraft of any sort.

    "No worries if I can't stick the landing" laughed Abe. "I'll just kamikaze my shit in there. Just like old times. Should give the old seppo war hero codgers saluting their nuts off down there something to have a massive sook about hahahahah oops, there's the Naval base down there now OH FUCK I'M LOSING ALTITUDE HAHAHAHAHAHA."
  16. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Young Prince Well-Versed In Military History

    --Japan Today--

    Japan's young Prince Manabu, 4th in line to Japan's Chrysanthemum Throne, has revealed himself to be well-versed in his dynastic Royal family's imperial lineage. The young Prince today celebrated his 10th birthday by making an impromptu historical presentation to his family.

    "Each ball represents the head of an infidel strung up at The Hanging Tree after the 1854 Ming Wanker Uprising. As depicted in the painting behind me."
    --Prince Manabu, aged 10.

    "The big squirrel over there by mum? He rogers the tree to ensure the infidels all get arse-fucked in hell for all of eternity. Chinamen, crackers, gooks, the outspoken, the inbred, the jewites, the cross-eyed, all them ugly fuckers who dared to stand up to our imperial dynasty." continued the young Prince, his voice now rising and cracking in nationalistic fervour. "All strung up and bled out. The souls of the Chinamen you ask? Their souls leached down through the soil, down, down through bedrock, down, down, down straight down and eventually down into hell. The howling wind at night? That is simply the screams of dead chinamen, forever caged in hell as they are, screeching imploringly for an atonement that shall never, ever, ever, EVER come to pass um Daddy can I go outside and play now?"
  17. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Interview With Toshio Motoya, CEO of Japan’s APA Hotels and author of a book denying the Rape of Nanking.

    Q: Is it true that copies of your book are for sale in your APA hotel rooms?

    "Hello. Toshio here. What hotel? Hahaha, just little joke. Instead of saying "what rape of Nanking?" joke I say "what hotel?" joke. Haha. It is APA Hotel! My hotel! By the way, what book? HAHAHA, further joke. Yes, book for sale, you buy. Even chinaman can buy! It’s ok! Education is key for ALL chinaman who can see through their slitty little eyes hahaha"

    Q: So, your premise is the Rape of Nanking never happened?

    "Premise? No, no, I drive Prius."

    Q:What leads you to believe that the Rape of Nanking never happened?

    "By the way, did you know that “APA” actually stands for “Always Pleasant Amenity”? Now THAT is true story."

    Q: The Rape of Nanking.

    "Sometimes mind of chinaman is like mind of overactive child, they fabricate wild story due to impoverish childhood where their only toy is old rag entire extended family use for toilet paper on daily basis. One day shit rag is imaginary best friend and precious family heirloom, next day they imagine 300,000 babies getting skullfucked by proud noble Japanese Imperial Army on steps of chingchong parliament as brave Japanese Imperial Army march in lockstep fashion towards Shanghai baroque bordello for comfort women midnight fuckfest? I don’t think so, Mr Wang! Besides, comfort women fuckfest way better at high noon, broad daylight, everyone knows that oooh shit, hang on, delete that part."

    Q: So, how many actually died at The Rape of Nanking?

    "How do you like my profile picture? I have huge hands. Really big. Like Donald Trump."

    Q: Do you expect your book to dissuade tourists from wanting to stay at your hotels?

    "Only the tourists who want to sleep on book. Most tourist guests want to sleep on bed. Not sleep on book. Confucius say “you need many books to make a bed.” Confucius was wise Japanese scholar. R.I.P Confucius. By the way, all APA hotel beds are made of my books taped together to make beds. You sleep now chinaman! Sleep on the truth! Sleep forever! Just like Nanking oh shit delete that part too"
  18. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Japanese Prince, Aged 11, Declares Himself “Ready” for Japan’s Throne

    --Japan Times—

    Japan’s Prince Hisahito, aged 11, and 3rd in line to the Japanese throne, has declared himself “ready” to be the next Emperor of Japan. “I’ve finished my homework and already had my first wank just last week. That means I’m ready for the Iron Throne. Plus I’ve seen all the nudie books down at 7-11. I know what the fuck I’m doing here.”

    “It’s not incest if I fuck the pair of you up the arse is it?”
    --The Prince (centre) walking with his sisters.

    “First order of business will be getting myself a big fucking samurai sword to behead all of my wanker siblings” continued the Prince, now safely out of earshot of his 2 sisters. “Cutting out the competition is crucial to ensure my reign is long and prosperous. After the public executions, next order of business will be to secure the last remaining Pokemon cards that I don’t already have. I’ll send some minion fuckhead serf door-to-door to make the required collections. After those 2 key strategic goals have been attained, the rest of my reign will be fairly straight-forward, my days mainly centred around fucking bitches and eating jellybeans.”

    “That was awesome. Pretty much just like in the mags down at 7-11. Now then, let’s head home, I can’t wait to show you my big fucken shiny samurai sword. It's just like my cock, that being, I’ve polished the thing until it shines.”
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  19. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Japan Liberal Democratic Party Stonemason's Bukkake Summit

    CC: LDP Mason's in-house memo

    This symbol is the encoded encrypted mason's guild hashtag for this years Bukkake Summit. Take a photo of it to present to the scanner to gain admittance to the Summit.

    Greetings, Ministers.

    Yuko Tojo here.


    Granddaughter of your great compatriot, statesman, fallen leader and national hero, the immortal, the great, Dr General Tojo. R.I.P.

    My niggers and assorted motherfuckers, if you are reading this, then it is ALL FUCKING ON.

    Yes, it's that time of the year again, time for The Liberal Democratic Party Stonemason's Bukkake Summit. I will be working the door this year. And this year's edition promises to be the best one ever! Maybe even better than the legendary 2013 Summit!

    Who could forget the timeless spectacle of the entire cabinet emerging from 3 days of hectic cum depositing all over some wretched little vagrant slut.. and every one of the ministers emerging wearing hastily-procured trousers due to the massive fire hose deluge of sperm stainage blotched all over their best strides? WHO?


    Anyway, here is the Official List of this years invitees and if you're not on this list then holy shit motherfucker, you should not even be reading this.

    Shinzo Abe
    Prime Minister


    Doing great work for the nation. He is now so very, very close to altering the pathetic limpdick National Constitution that forbids We Japanese from bearing arms.

    Any day now we can FINALLY resume the push through Manchuria and beyond, to claim back our rightful motherfucking colonies from the cross-eyed gookisphere.

    Taro Aso
    Minister of Grot Mags and Entire Grot Portfolio.


    Taro might not know how to read or write but he knows how to man the pump.

    The Man Pump!




    Legendary shot above of Koizumi leaving the 2008 Summit wearing a change of pants after his main suit strides were irrepairably stained with what was believed to be in excess of 75 litres of cum silo spermage.

    Koizumi is old as shit now but I reckon there's still some tartare dicksnot left in the old faucet!

    Minister of ?


    Who is this shady prick? I'm fucked if I know. Still, he must be doing something right if he's on this list. Come on down Kono, Minister of fuck-knows-what, and enjoy 3 days of leisurely beating off all over some starlet's tits. All on the taxpayers dime.

    Minister of Tea and Photocopies.


    HOLY SHIT. It's this years chick. Even I'm getting randy. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. WE MIGHT HAVE TO ADD A 4TH DAY.

    Wheel in the Iron Lung goddamnit cos this bitch is going to need it.

    Minister of Nationalism.


    The Governor. He brought the Olympics to Tokyo and let me tell you, next weekend there is going to be some Olympian wanking going on all over the tea lady's hair, her teeth, her funbags, face, eyelids, gruds and neck. A decathlon of dick. A repecharge of rape. A velodrome of vag. A peloton of prepuce. A pentathlon of penii. A snatch and jerk of, uh, snatch and jerk.

    Nuremberg Barbie.
    Special Guest!


    Don't worry, she will of course NOT be permitted entrance into the main Bukkake Amphitheatre. Only one chick at a time in the Theatre of Dreams, obviously. We don't want two childish little slags getting together and forming a fucken trade union or some shit.

    Nuremberg Barbie will be working the main lobby. Stiffy killer you say? Did I neglect to mention that she will be decked out in FULL Nazi regalia? Tojo todgers at full-mast baby!

    Bruce Saint
    Australian Envoy in Tokyo.

    "Yeah mate ya got any little kids coming to this shindig? Asking for a fucken friend c**t."

    Minister of Financial Improprieties.


    The dark horse. The shadow boss. The Kumstain Kingpin.

    He's been running the country since before Nuremburg Barbie was gargling candied cocks down by the docks after dark on school nights.

    General Tojo's mummified corpse.


    My grandfather.


    The load-shooting is going to be epic.

    I hope gramps casket came with a mummified brolly cos' it's going to be raining spunk!

    Ex-Prime Minister.


    Now aged 100. Holy shit. Might have to wheel in Nuremberg Barbie for this one.

    Anywho, that's the whole list of invitees.

    No need to bring a plate.

    Just cock.

    -Yuko Tojo.

  20. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Japan With "Surprise Call" At Japan/China Summit

    --Japan Today--

    Japan have sprung something of a diplomatic surprise at this week's Japan/China summit by abruptly abducting and murdering the Chinese Premier, Mr Lee Ving.

    "This is the car boot you should climb into right now Mr Ving, if you wish to see your family alive again."

    When queried about Japan's ransom demands immediately following the abduction, Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe (pictured above, pink tie) said "there is no ransom demand. We just hate the chinks. So we killed this one. One less of them, who cares, there's a billion more of the cross-eyed little fuckwits anyway. Don't worry, Ving's family are fine. Ving though, not so good. Bit wet I imagine. Still locked in the boot of the Prius which is now located on the bottom of the ocean floor in Tokyo Bay. Look, it was just a spur of the moment thing. I'm impulsive like that. Decisive. I make the big calls. And I just felt it was the right time to kill the Chinese Premier today. No biggie."

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