Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by Reddy!, Jun 29, 2010.
New **COMPULSORY** Japanese Citizenship Test for all you gaijin:
Japan's New Emperor Enshrined.
Japan's new emperor Hisahito was today enshrined in a 10-minute ceremony. He was presented with 3 national treasures. From left to right; - a sumptuous bento lunchbox containing the purest of ancient traditional Japanese cuisine; whale groin doused in dolphin placenta, porpoise phlegm soup and octopus snot gratin.- the last remaining VHS copy of the 1989 video classic "Upskirt Bukkake Grannies on The Bus." Long considered to be a classic of the genre as well as Japan's leading contribution to the art world for the entire 30-year Heisei era. - finally, a coupla fucken golf clubs for the Empo to potter about with in the back yard, practicing the ol' golf swing while nutjob wife Masako's inside having a massive fucken cry about next to fucken nothing.
Tried the test again.
My score got even worse.
I'm waiting for the album of his Rising Sun Sessions from Ibiza.
I've heard it's something to really lose your head to
After 25 years sequestered away here on the Pitcairns I finally mustered the courage to engage with the array of buttons on the space age Japanese shitter. Had long thought fuck no, all these buttons are in Japanese, dumbarse me will just push the wrong fucken button and instantly transform the bog cubicle into an uncontrollable raging geyser of shit spew, funneling all up the walls and all over my own hands and face and eyelids.
Turns out there's only 3 buttons. The "Bidet" button is actually for chicks. If I'd ever paid attention I wouldve fucken seen the button is PINK and is actually a picture of a chicks arse. Moran. Some sort of gash flush I'd imagine.
Next button is a mild-strength thin spout of water shooting right up the clacker. Woah. I braced myself expecting the worst and still maintain that brace expecting the worst.
Last button is the full monty. The pneumatic arse-clag remover. A power jet of sumptious intent. Straight and hard. OK, it wasn't that powerful. But still vaguely terrifying. I still tense myself expecting this Apollo 13 of colonic import to go 1986 Challenger on my arse. Maybe my rigourous WASP heritage precludes me from enoying the deliciously dizzying sensation of jet streams of warm water providing a full colonic enema right up the clacka after every dump.
PRO-TIP: you got to pluck your junk up so it aint dangling down when ol' faithful lets loose. I guess you should cover the bog bowl with your big fat arse too, to seal off all exits, but ffs even if you don't I don't think towers of water are going to shoot out of the bog bowl at random angles, showering the walls with souvenir strains of fecal matter. This would be a noticeable design flaw.
Now feel a bit dumb and unsophisticated and coarse for having persisted with toilet paper since I graduated from diapery in the 1920's. Gross. Clawing around the anus fissure with scraps of paper, getting it all over your hands, even having to visibly witness the revolting aftershart refuse of your decaying meat machine. Ugh. What was I thinking.
Turns out the Butthole Surfers were right all along. There really is a Brown Reason To Live.
It's taken me this long to realise the entire concept of the record was an ode to the bidet. Even their goddamn band name.
Thank you, Butthole Surfers.
Coincidentally this is also bidet first-consciousness face.
Actually the little facey guys encompass the full breadth of the bidet experience
"Jesus, where did that go?"
"This is so wrong."
"Deal with it." (not personally at this stage yet)
Best thing I've read all week!
Might even be healthier from your professional perspective, Cyclo? Hazarded a guess this sort of thing might be "right up your alley", if you'll pardon the transparently gratuitious play on words.
For some reason I can't bring myself to read the rugby forums, possibly a bit too predictable, possibly because my heart can't tolerate thinking about the England v Arg and Aust v Wales outrages. So bidet chat it is.
I remember button mashing on a Toto special years ago. The maximum power jet hit the wall on facing the toilet. Luckily I'd decided to stand to the side at the time. My only regrets are that I didn't have my pants around my ankles at the time, and that I didn't wait until a trip on the Nozomi later that day.
Unfortunately I did wait until the Nozomi trip to try the seat warmer.
Now, I'm no dung expert but I think I may have identified the wall splat issue.
Confession time: I am now curious to gauge the effects of taking a dump WHILE shooting water up my arse. For science. I suspect it will be a geyser-meets-asteroid scenario. It will possibly result in a global climate catastrophe on a par with the extinction of the dinosaurs.
It's no exaggeration to say that if I can pull off a manoeuvre fraught with such potential peril I will definitely go down as one of the bravest people to have ever lived.
Yeah, not missing too much, forum is just as insular as ever. Locals'd rather be in Bumbreeze 2022 thread or Wollongong Mudscrappers vs Brisbane Bumclag NRC matchup than posting about some foreigners tourney currently being held offshore
Not sure whether you should aim for a high fibre diet for this. Maybe the ubiquitous shredded cabbage? Would make an interesting dinner conversation piece: 'I see you've taken a keen interest in garnishes of late, Herr Pillock'
'It's for science. Now are you going to eat all of that brown rice?'
The subbies thread is really something.
I wonder if there will ever be a Kansai district subbies comp in the future. Players would declare themselves unavailable due to work commitments haul arse across the region nursing a catastrophic hangover in order to miss catch the end of colts (9:45 kickoff) before watching the halfback and flyhalf throw passes to one another warmup. It would be the greatest dividend Japanese rugby could receive from the world cup. Sorry, just trying to keep the thread on track.
Japanese Emperor’s Imperial Banquet and Royal Concubine Selection Ceremony.–Japan Today–In a sparkling display of royal pageantry, the newly-anointed Japanese Emperor has today presided over his first-ever Imperial Banquet and Royal Concubine Selection Ceremony. His ceremonial address read as follows;“Greetings to you, the selected few, and welcome to my first-ever Imperial Banquet and Royal Concubine Selection Ceremony. Now that I’m in charge I am looking forward to doing a LOT of extra-curricular bitch fucking outside of my regular weekly-scheduled conjugal piston-shafting of bonkers old Masako here. The lucky selected concubines will regularly feel the full force of my 3-millimetre divine todger right up their clackas. In the parlour. In the garden. In the kitchen. All over the fucken place. Maybe even under the royal goddamn rhododendrons. Oh yeah, sure, I know what you’re thinking, a 3 millimetre cock, what the fuck is that? Well, let me tell you shithead bitches right now, my cock may be tiny but now that I’m the fucken Emperor, I reckon that will add at least 2 inches to its length. And 2.3 inches is enough to make a real mess of any bitches shit, or at least that’s what my mum told me during our horsey ride yesterday.”“Current standings; 8, 9, 4, 6, 3, 5, 7, 2, 1.”“Now then, onto the Imperial Banquet. Today’s menu has been sourced from the very, very finest and most unique of Japanese ingredients. Here is a helpful introduction to today’s sumptuous cuisine. Clockwise from top left, Dessicated Whale Eye, Smoked Whale Stool Lamingtons, a whole big fucken fish that’s barely even totally died yet, Ossified Whale Blood, Petrified Conder Arse Giblets, Raw Dolphin Snout, A Single Tear Of A Beached Sperm Whale, Sauteed Porpoise Sweat and Fermented Whale Barnacle Cutlets. Enjoy!”
I'm a surfer!
Japanese Wartime Unit 731 Doctors Commandeer Virus-Stricken Cruise Ship.–Japan Today–With a view to resuming their wartime biological experiments on live Chinese cadavers, the infamous Japanese Unit 731 doctors have today commandeered the Coronoavirus-infected cruise ship currently quarantined in Yokohama Bay.Unit 731 was the covert base for the Japanese military to conduct gruesome medical experiments on live Chinese subjects during WWII. The very existence of the Unit was categorically denied by the Japanese government until as late as 1998.“FFFFUUUUCKKKK YEEEEAAAHHHHH YOU BATFUCK CUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTS.”The Unit 731 Crew seen here boarding the SS Coronavirus cruise ship in Yokohama Bay.“I am fucking elated!” said Dr Kitano Masaji, current Professor Emeritus of Tokyo University Medical School and former Unit 731 Director of Sub-Zero Bubonic Bumcrack Activities.“I can hardly wait to sprint from cabin to cabin looking for live chinamen into whom I can shove my turkey baster laden with bubonic fleas!” shrieked Dr Kitano. “Right up the fucken clacka baby! Hold still you wang fuck, this won’t hurt a bit! For fucks sake, hold still you batsoup-mad shithead!”“Hold my turkey-basters you dickheads, I need to knock one out right fucken now.”–Dr Kitano.Dr Ryoichi Naito, current head of The Green Cross blood bank and former Head Doctor of Unit 731’s infamous Facial Bonesaw Division added “this is the best day of my motherfucking life since 1945. Finally we get to resume our crucial scientific research on the live chinamen. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide this time, you batfucking chumps! Look buddy, I’m 107-years old, how do you think I still look 55? Live chinamen embryo grafts! Once a fucking week for the last 70 years! My cryogenic freezer is running dangerously low though and it is motherfucking perfect timing with this dead duck cruise ship just sitting here, stuck right here in Yokohama Bay, full of chinese mongrels just sitting there waiting to be sawn up, skullfucked, bled dry, and then eventually executed and deep-frozen. God bless We the Chosen Sons of Yamato!”“COMFORT WOMAN CORPSE ALL UP ON MY COCK, BABY!–Dr Naito.Shirō Ishii, Unit 731 Director, co-founder of Japan’s first blood bank in 1951 and Japan’s current Tenured Minister of Health stated “I too am now 107 years old and with a dwindling supply of cryogenically stored chinamen placentiii to keep me alive. I greatly look forward to boarding that fat fuck ship and resuming the bubonic plague arse-basting and frozen erection carving and live subject skull-drilling and all sorts of other crucial medical experiments purely conducted for the benefit of We, the uniquely pure and harmonious Japanese race.”“Oh SHIIIIIT, you could use my goddamn rock-hard stiffy as a rudder for this stupid fucken tugboat right now, damnit, GET ME ON THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIP RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”-Dr Ishii.
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