Jokes!
- Thread starter PaarlBok
- Start date
C
Cave Dweller
Guest
Bradford jokes
The Government have gone way over the top with job cuts.
Three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford already
Suicide bombers have attacked Bradford city centre.
Early estimates suggest they may have caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.
A gas explosion in a street in Bradford has killed 50 people.
Rescuers are now searching a second house.
The Government have gone way over the top with job cuts.
Three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford already
Suicide bombers have attacked Bradford city centre.
Early estimates suggest they may have caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.
A gas explosion in a street in Bradford has killed 50 people.
Rescuers are now searching a second house.
tigerland12
John Thornett (49)
Those videos are so good
C
Cave Dweller
Guest
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
MajorlyRagerly
Trevor Allan (34)
Videos are awesome! All jokes after that have slipped a bit in quality
C
Cave Dweller
Guest
C
Cave Dweller
Guest
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
H
HarveyColon
Guest
two guys are arrested by the police, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fireworks...
one is charged and the other one is let off
one is charged and the other one is let off
tigerland12
John Thornett (49)
I'm ashamed with myself that I laughed at that
C
Cave Dweller
Guest
Having sex after 20 beers is like playing pool with a rope
tigerland12
John Thornett (49)
Tom Carter......................................
Too far? hahaha
Too far? hahaha
C
Cave Dweller
Guest
Can you imagine the uproar if this caught on!
I have a job.
I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that pay cheque, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test(with which I have no problem).
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
So, here is my question:
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a social welfare payment
Because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.
I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ARSE ---- doing drugs while I work.
Can you imagine how much money Wayne Swan would save in the Budget if people had to pass a urine test to get welfare payments?
I guess Aunty Joolia could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!
P.S. Just a thought, perhaps all politicians should have to pass a urine test too! and an IQ test or two might not go astray as well !!!!
I have a job.
I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that pay cheque, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test(with which I have no problem).
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
So, here is my question:
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a social welfare payment
Because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.
I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ARSE ---- doing drugs while I work.
Can you imagine how much money Wayne Swan would save in the Budget if people had to pass a urine test to get welfare payments?
I guess Aunty Joolia could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!
P.S. Just a thought, perhaps all politicians should have to pass a urine test too! and an IQ test or two might not go astray as well !!!!
H
HarveyColon
Guest
why are greek people so fat...........................because they eat lots of greecy (greasy if you don't get it) food!!!! haha hehe hoho
T
trophyhunter
Guest
What do you give a one night stand for breakfast.....an UP and GO
H
HarveyColon
Guest
.....ouch
leakytap
Sydney Middleton (9)
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's me fecken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fecken killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down, sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* .. *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''
Irishman: ''It's me fecken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fecken killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down, sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* .. *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''