England name squad to take on the Wallabies
British & Irish Lions

Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor?

Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor?
Borf cor blimey, innit 'arf awful

Borf mate - cor blimey, innit 'arf awful

Alexei Sayle sings: “I keep tropical fish, in my underpants. Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor? Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor”.

Leave it out! Jonny Wilkinson ain’t got a new motor. He’s got a reconditioned motor temporarily minus an Ian Beale warranty.

It’s the sort of deal Arfur Daley would approve of, although Arfur would front up with a dodgy MOT after a few VAT’s down the Winch – “put it on the slate Dave”.

Wilko is an absolute, dead-set ancient Greek. Not only between the poles but working the geezers around the light and dark. And what he can’t do with an Albert Hall!

You won’t find too many barfroom taps at HQ this week. No, Tokyo it ain’t. Lots of toffs and working lads ready to show these lowly rated colonials a ‘fing or two.

The England squad to play the Wallabies has been named and Wilko’s been declared Brad Pitt. Some of the lad’s from the wider squad were shown the Roger Moore and have been sent back to their clubs.

I wonder whether Jonno tin tacked them by dog and bone, or in a Sir Clive moment, by Jimmy Nail?

Although a few geezers are missing in action the rest will turn up and put on a turn. Who’s missing? Well, I think you already know who’s Friar Tucked.

Sheridan did his Noddy Holder and is out for the count. Vickery’s biscuits and cheese are Kerry Packered. Lee Mears, the one time looker, is likewise.

Simon Shaw’s got dodgy plates of meat but he just returned to the light and dark, too late for this match tho’.

Sure it’s a Naomi Campbell, but England can’t afford to lose any more geezers. Dylan Hartley, a one time looker, is in this category but he’s Dad’s Army anyway!

Hartley’s on the bench as Stevie Thompson’s been given the old resurrection shuffle. Thommo ain’t ‘arf Postman Pat!

Great to see that Borth come right. He’s always in the wars, with a loaf that frequently gets in the way. His shell likes and pea shooter are something to behold.

But mate, what he might lack in skill he makes up in other ways; he’s got loads of strawberry tart.

The props are Tim Payne and David Wilson with Duncan Bell splinters. Who? Apart from Wasps’ Payne I don’t know that much about the Bath duo. I think there’s a few Derek Randall’s on Bell, who’s as old as the hills. Too many Britney’s down at the Ringo?

Louis Deacon from Leicester gets the spare locking guernsey, and a newbie in Courtney Lawes will be on the bench. He’s just a Rob Roy but I’m sure he can bowl from a good length.

They decided to go with Jordan Crane over James Haskell, who’s gone park bench, in the No 8 spot. Lions hero Croft and Moods are the other loose lads.  

In the backs, 6’7″ Matt Banahan will be on the wing terrorising anything green and gold. He’s one big chicken plucker!

Cueto is the other wing and Geraghty and Hipkiss the centre combo, or should I say a right old pair of geezers at 2nd five eighths and centre. In a mild surprise Ugo Monye was selected at fullback over Cueto.

England have had their ups and downs over the past 12 months but I reckon they’ll bounce back like a rubber Gregory.

The English supporters think the Wallabies are lemon squeezy and they’ll do it in a Glenn Hoddle. They could be Isle o’ Wight. I might put a monkey on it.

It’s a shame Le Fuse isn’t there to give them his angry Ricky Gervais? Although, they always thought he was an Inspector Taggart.

They could have done with Matt Stevens now but he did a Joost, got done for a line of Boutris Boutris Gali!

The forecast is for Boris the Bold, Cynthia Paine and it’s going to be Mork and Mindy, which means lots of Franz Klammer and mauls. Leave it to Jonny, gotta new motor…….

England XV: U Monye (Harlequins); M Cueto (Sale Sharks), D Hipkiss (Leicester), S Geraghty (Northampton), M Banahan (Bath); J Wilkinson (Toulon), D Care (Harlequins); T Payne (Wasps), S Thompson (Brive), D Wilson (Bath), L Deacon (Leicester), S Borthwick (Saracens, capt), T Croft (Leicester), L Moody (Leicester), J Crane (Leicester).

Replacements: D Hartley (Northampton), D Bell (Bath), C Lawes (Northampton), J Haskell (Stade Francais), P Hodgson (London Irish), A Goode (Brive), A Erinle (Biarritz).

  • Noddy

    I feel like I just re-watched Lock Stock and 2 smoking barrels.

    Top work!

    • Lance Free

      Nod – thought I’d do something for our Glaws supporters (not that they actually talk like that in Gloucester).

  • MooCow

    Nice. I’ll be down at the local on my jack jones ‘aving a few nelson mandelas but no doubt i’ll have the green and gold running through my veins

  • Cutter

    I feel as though I’ve logged onto the wrong site.

  • Lance Free

    It’s about broadening your horizons Cutter……I think we’re a bit insular – need an injection of other crap from time to time.

    I’m surprised that the conservative Deans has made the changes to the midfield he has. A reward for some good QC play and great decision to move Diggers in one. Hopefully it’ll click and run them ragged.

    i just wonder whether the Bam Bam selection last week was to keep George fresh for the Grand Slam? Back in his rightful place anyway.

  • Juan Cote

    Feeling Bullish….going to put a couple of Ponies on the Wallabies. Might end up with ‘alf a monkey

    • Lance Free

      Cup half full JC. ‘Always look on the bright side of life’. I’d go a full monkey and a score….

      Quids and quavers…innit?

  • Lance Free

    I knew you’d understand it Cote but I thought El Dommo might have a bit of trouble with this as he’s been Franz List (= pissed) for the last week – is he awake yet?

    Ian Beale (from BBC ‘Eastenders’) = real
    Arfur Daley = Arthur Daley (BBC ‘Minder’, car dealer and very dodgy geezer)
    MOT = roadworthy
    VAT = vodka and tonic
    Winch = Winchester Club
    Ancient Greek = freak
    Geezer = bloke
    Light and dark = park
    Albert Hall = ball
    Barfroom taps = Japs
    Brad Pitt = fit
    Roger Moore = door
    Tin tacked = sacked
    Dog and bone = phone
    Jimmy Nail = email
    Put on a turn = put on a show
    Friar Tucked = f*cked
    Noddy Holder (from the rock group Slade – they were t’riffic ‘gen-y’) = shoulder
    Biscuits and cheese = knees
    Kerry Packered =- knackered
    One time looker = hooker
    Plates of meat = feet
    Naomi Campbell = gamble
    Dad’s Army = barmy
    Postman Pat = fat
    Loaf of bread = head
    Shell like = ears
    Pea shooter = nose
    Strawberry tart = heart
    Derek Randall’s = love handles
    Britney (Spears) = beers
    Ringo (Starr) = bar
    Rob Roy = boy
    Gone park bench = French
    Chicken plucker = I think you’ve worked this one out?
    Rubber Gregory = Gregory Peck = cheque = bounced cheque
    Lemon squeezy = easy
    Glenn Hoddle (soccer bloke) = doddle
    Isle o’ Wight = right
    Monkey = 500 quid
    Ricky Gervais = face
    Inspector Taggart = faggot
    Boutris Boutris Gali (former UN chief) = Charlie = cocaine
    Boris the Bold = cold
    Cynthia Paine = rain
    Mork and Mindy = windy
    Franz Klammer (skiing gold medallist and legend) = hammer
    motor = car

    And you had to f*ckin’ ask?

  • Great advice, i like it. I mean, her, awesome thoughts

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