EXCLUSIVE: an intercept from Berrick the All Black

Off White Card October 8, 2012 37

No GravatarWe intercepted the following telex from South Africa (where Berrick Barnes had been staying with the All Blacks) over the weekend. Make of it what you will


ARUSIO COMMUNIQUE – TOP SECRET

Dear Robbie and Mr O’Neill,

Well, so far it’s all going according to your plan, Mr O’Neill. Not only have I got close to the All Blacks, but I’ve managed to sneak into some training sessions and team meetings.

If anyone starts to ask me what I’m doing there, I just pull one of my “injured faces”, or dive on the ground and play dead like Taf (that’s Tatafu Polota-Nau, Mr O’Neill). It’s not that hard as I’m often not far off a footballer’s migraine, footballer’s groin, farked knee, cramp or killer bindi. Just like you said – the old sook-face finally comes in handy!

Anyway  - here’s my top 10 finds from training with the All Blacks:

1. They actually practise re-starts! (Robbie – I thought you said that was against the rules?)

2. I wasn’t allowed at this session, but apparently they spent quite a bit of time yesterday practising “set moves”. Are they those things you said we’d get around to one day Robbie?

3. No one steals Ma’a’s food (unlike what happens to other international 12′s I could mention)

4. Mr McCaw ran a session about the breakdown. It made me confused and a bit dizzy. I tried to draw you a diagram, but it was just a big mess

5. They don’t practice slowing the ball from the ruck and re-setting. How is this possible?

6. Dan Carter is a heaps good bloke – we’ve been hanging out and everything

7. The All Blacks talk about “the game plan” and a “plan B”. When I asked, apparently “playing what’s in front of you” is for “fucken idiots”. Mr Hansen almost stopped breathing, he was laughing so hard (dunno why?).

8. They practise kicking! (no grubbers from the 22 though – I showed em a thing or two there)

9. The Franks brothers are fully feral, and a bit mean. I don’t see what’s so bloody funny about wedgies.

10. This might sound a bit strange, but more than one guy told me that KeiKieran Read isn’t actually human at all – he was made by someone called SkyNet in the future. That’s why he doesn’t talk.

Is this enough. Can I come home now?

Berrick


 

Discussion

  • Brumby Runner

    Great laugh. Gold!

  • Nick

    Ha ha ha – Hansen would have been crying on the floor – playing what’s in front of you is the biggest load of bullshit – what else are they going to play ? What’s behind them ??

  • Riccardo

    That’s funny mate!

    Well done!

  • johnny-boy

    The irony is the kiwis will never be able to really claim rugby superiority over us until we get rid of their stooge Deans. Not until it’s a fair contest.

    At the moment it’s just another manifestation of their obsession with cheating (which fermented with Sean Fitzpatrick in South Africa).

    Come on down Ewe beauty

    • PD

      Cheaters and chokers…..oh thats right you can’t use chokers any more. May as well keep living off what the Reds did in 2011….so long ago now.

    • PD

      As if the World Cup, Bledisloe Cup, Freedom Cup, and Rugby Championship title were not enough. The All Blacks didn’t just win that Rugby Championship trophy, they didn’t just win six out of six, they once again made a statement about how the game should be played.

      • johnny-boy

        And how to white ant their opponents ….

        The All Blacks obsession with cheating came about because they couldn’t understand why they couldn’t beat South Africa years ago.

        Actually they did know, it was the cheating South African referees (who make todays referees look like angels) but Fitzpatrick – a pragmatic irishman figured that if you can’t beat em join em – and he was so good at it and so successful NZ rugby figured it had discovered the only formula for success.

        Trouble is when cheating is at the core of your game, you crumble under pressure. Hence the numerous chokes.

        Which is why the All Blacks live in fear of a confident rampant Wallaby side and which Deans is trying to do his best to suppress by avoiding serious game plans or consistent quality selections.

        • PD

          hahahhahahahha. That is not only seriously funny but delusional. The only one with an obsession is you. I am so scared of a rampant Wallaby side that I bought tickets to the next game on Brisbane. And I just realized you are no fun as you are too easy to bait.

        • Riccardo

          Johnny boy.

          Fitzy is a Kiwi mate. I went to school with him. Your obsession with Deans may have validity if you referred to his failed mandate under JON and the meandering regression of the Wallabies in general. However, your tried and not so true theory regarding him being a “Kiwi plant” is just psychotic. All teams cheat in one form or another JB. Pocock is a cheat and the better he gets the more often he will be labelled as such. The choke tag is ancient history but you can trot it out as often as you want to mate, and pair it up with another creative sheep joke if you like. You continue to look like a bigotted fool, even to your more informed countrymen. Smart Kiwis will always be wary of what the Wallabies can bring but you are deluding yourself if you think we fear anyone. I sincerely hope you attend your beloved Suncorp JB. A lesson awaits. And it will be dealt out by what you seem to hate (or is that fear?) most. A rampant All Black side, continuing their winning streak.

        • johnny-boy

          I’m not expecting Suncorp to be pretty Riccardo. It’s a telling part of your kiwi psychology that you’ll get satisfaction beating an opponent while they have their hands tied behind their back, with no. 8 wire

          I don’t know whether Deans is deliberately cobbling the Wallabies or doing it subconsciously but he’s obviously, for some reason, not doing the best a coach can do for a team, as you acknowledge.

          The most disappointing part of it all is that the ARU board are not prepared or interested in giving the players the support or coach they deserve. It’s sickening cowardice.

        • Riccardo

          Johnny Boy.

          Thanks for a more erudite reply.

          For the record I would much rather see the Wallabies stronger and the contest… well exactly that, a contest. Your vexacious invective against all things Kiwi riles me and I responded in kind.

          Deans does not resonate with the Wallabies and I have no idea why. I do rate him as a man and as a coach so it’s difficult to fathom but it’s clear the Wallabies are regressing so change is required. Link and Larkham perhaps?

          For me though the real problem is the failings of the administration. The abolishment of the ARC in favour of Super Rugby expansion will prove to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Diluted player pools with the Shute Shield as a feeder of more mediocrity? Really? Their silence is telling.

          That’s why we have to enjoy the humour of pieces like this and you have to admit mate, it’s well written…

    • All gold

      Get over yourself johnnyboy.they pretty much showed they’re superiority over us for the last 10 years.

    • Joe

      Haha good one ol johnny-boy. Nobody likes a sore loser mate. How many years has it been since you’ve had the Bledisloe Cup? Enough said.

  • Jets

    That’s great.

  • Dave

    Genius! You had me at “killer bindi”!

    No. 9 feels like it could be right on the money.

  • Bay35Pablo

    Number 10 – love it.

    I’ve got my suspicions about Jerry Collins too … :)

    • LeftArmSpinner

      Hey Pablo. Isnt this a funny one!!!!!!

  • Parksider

    Fabulous!

  • JBees

    Enjoyed that, good one lol !!!!!

  • the ardent b’stard

    thats brilliant!

    love the Franks brothers comment, I think they frighten their own guys let alone anyone else
    and of course the due deference to Mr McCaw

  • skip

    point 5. they farkin do practice slowing the ball from rucks, just not their own :-D

  • sarco

    Whats a telex?

    • http://www.greenandgoldrugby.com/ Matt Rowley

      Latest ARU technology

  • Mick Coogan

    Hilarious I really like that. And with Barnes innocent boy abroad looks it’s doubly hilarious. I’d love to see more of these Barnes insights. Barnes asking the coach how he was born and about the reproductive cycle would be hilarious. It appears Dingo still believes in storks.

  • Brax

    I lolled :D

  • Lauren

    Gold!

    No comment on the Sachin Tendulkar encounter?

  • tedward

    SkyNet! loved that!

    • Jimmy

      Yes it was a good one. Not quite sure who created Read but I am pretty sure his parents (and grandparents) were related.

  • The Rant

    Nice work. Need a bit of humour. Fk we take it seriously sometimes.

    I wouldn’t mind to hear more from Rocky’s latest diary entries again soon!!

  • ShtinaTina

    Hysterical!

  • cyclopath

    Nice work.
    Fully feral.

  • The Other Dave

    Man, I remember when intercepts associated with the Wallabies were a glorious thing (Spencer to Mortlock, et c)

  • Dr S

    LOL! That was gold! Keep ‘em coming! Need more humour like this.

  • JJIgotcha

    hahaha that was great! Pity Johnny-Boy is still too bitter to have a laugh.

  • ‘Boutbloodytime

    haha, Love it….hope Robbie has a read.

  • peterlala

    Very funny. Well done.

  • Who Needs Melon

    Fucking brilliant! :)

Close