Exclusive: Controversial First Chapter of Richie’s Book

Hugh Cavill October 10, 2012 44

No GravatarThis week the rugby world has been abuzz after Richie McCaw released his autobiography Openside.

 

Excerpts have been widely published outlining Richie’s opinion on all things rugby, from Quade to Deans to Twitter. However each of these passages have been taken from the international version of the book. G&GR has received a copy of the New Zealand version of the book, and much to our surprise it reads quite differently. It seems it has been substantially tailored for the local audience.

The following is the first chapter of the Kiwi version. As you can see it has been split up into verses for easy reference, presumably in NZ parliament:

1In the beginning Richie created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of Richie was hovering over the waters. And Richie said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. Richie then created the darkness, and He saw that this was superior to the light. He blessed the darkness, and decreed that it shall reign. Richie called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “the Blackness.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

And Richie said, “Let there be an activity which I can physically and mentally dominate people of other nations.” So Richie created a game, and called this game “Rugby”. And it was so. And Richie looked at his creation and was pleased. And Richie said “Let there be Laws and Interpretations to govern this game, so that it may be played fairly.” So Richie created the Laws and the Interpretations. And Richie said “Let there be ways of bending these Laws and Interpretations to the advantage of the Darkness, which will go unnoticed by thy officials”. So Richie created ruck pillars, lying on the wrong side of the ruck, and holding back defenders.  He created clearing out past the ball, obstructing opposition forwards, and lurking offside at the breakdown. He created sealing off ruck ball. And Richie saw these and was pleased with His creation. And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

And Richie said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. 10 Richie called the dry ground “New Zealand,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And then Richie said “Let there be a nearby island against which we can play Rugby, multiple times a year in Home and Away series as well as at provincial and schoolboy level”. 11And it was so. And Richie called this land “Australia”. 12And Richie saw that it was good, and that its sporting landscape was thus that Rugby did not receive adequate interest or investment and thus would struggle for depth and player retention. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

13 And Richie said, “Let there be a Rugby Beelzebub, a Devil to rival all that is good about the Darkness. A flashy traitor who will rile up the people of the Dark Nation, and cause them to take up arms in our fight against the Goldness” And it was so. 14 Richie made Quade Cooper. And he saw that it was good. And he also saw it was liable to make silly statements on mass media and chip kick in thy defensive half in thy heat of battle. 15 And there was evening, and there was morning— the fourth day.

Richie hits the beach

16 And Richie said, “For I am a New Zealander I shall only work four days in a row.” 17 So Richie called in sick and went to thy beach. And He was pleased with His decision for thy surf was cranking.

 

Controversial stuff. I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but it gets quite dark. And for some reason he includes a bunch of letters he wrote to a rugby club called the Corinthians (I think they play on the South Island somewhere).

We may have more chapters for you in coming weeks.

Discussion

  • MickeyStone

    Just to prove not all kiwis can’t take a joke as a proud All Blacks fan and a staunch Richie supporter kudos to whoever wrote this.
    Great work yesterday on the Berrick Barnes letter too.

  • Cantab

    Amen.

  • http://www.greenandgoldrugby.com Moses

    Great work BaaBaa,

    So many more chapters to come:

    Richie leading the darkness through the dessert of chokers and into the promised land of Webb-Ellis.

    The story of Daniel Carter in the British and Irish Lions’ den.

    That time Ben Franks looked back over the ruck he had passed and turned into a pillar (of salt)

    • Rugbysmartarse

      I’m looking forward to Ma’a Nonu and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat

  • top bloke

    Top Stuff !!! – All very believable as well

  • Bruwheresmycar

    haha nice work

  • Alan

    pure GNGR gold!

  • Lachlan

    I can’t breathe!! Hilarious stuff.

  • Lauren

    And what chapter would you call that? genius or genisus?

  • Cave Dweller

    And Richie said let there be a guy to make excuses and accusations if we fail. Then he made Graham Henry….

  • http://www.doubletakeproductions.com.au/sports/ Robert Matthews

    Love it mate.

  • Lance Taylor

    Don’t you just wish there was an Aussie that could be written about like this?

    In the language of my rugby forum, I can smell your jalopy from here.

    • ‘Boutbloodytime

      John Eales would probably come pretty close…except he wouldn’t knock off after 4 days and go to the beach…the Kiwis can have the Darkness, I still prefer the Goldness

  • Red Kev

    David Pocock’s book is called “Openside”.
    Richie McCaw’s book is called “The Open Side”
    Never minding the presumption in Pocock releasing a book when he’s what 24? I like the implied emphasis in “The” in the title to Richie’s book.

    • Garry

      The difference. When you open the cover of Richie’s book, he has the sound of cherubs caroling.

      Praise been to the unchallengeable one.

  • http://www.greenandgoldrugby.com/ Matt Rowley

    Solid gold Baabaa

  • bill

    And Richie said “shame on Quade for bagging Deans/the wallabies” then wrote I’d prefer Henry to Deans to coach me at national level after being coached by him at provincial level. Entirely consistent I guess.

  • http://GreenandGodrugby Dan54

    Not sure who the hell let you get the first chapter Baa, but that bloody wiki leaks has been at it again, though to be fair I thought all people knew all this anyway!!

  • Dave

    I love this site. Pure gold.

    • Peter

      I 2nd that !
      I do love this site !

      truly hilarious….

  • murph

    So QC says Deans is stubborn to the detriment of the side he coaches, McCaw says Deans is stubborn to the detriment of the side he coaches, evidence suggests that Deans is stubborn to the detriment of the side he coaches (case in point: repeatedly stupid selections, repeating failed tactics etc) . Hmmm. I’m seeing a pattern here.

  • Skippy

    Thanks for choosing the bible rather than the Koran for your humorous article.. I’ve got to go into the city tomorrow and I can’t be bothered dealing with another violent Protest. But thankfully the Catholics aren’t as ‘sensitive’ as those who must defend Mohammed.

  • johnny-boy

    It’s great to have a laugh. But it doesn’t do much to address the real problem. Which is, as McCaw has generously pointed out, we have an arrogant, self opinoniated, obnoxious a…… as the Wallaby coach.

    Ironically the only guy in the Wallabies who has the guts to stand up to Deans is being abused by those who delusionally think Deans is some sort of holy messiah.

    It doesnt say much for other Wallabies in my opinion. They are obviously happy just to cower behind Deans and see the team play crap rugby and collect their paychecks..

    It’s rich that so many posters bag the Wallabies for not showing enough committment yet it’s pretty clear quite a few supporters seem happy just to laugh off the enormous f…. elephant in the room.

    • Bairdy

      Wow, your staunch defense of Quade and constant attacks of Deans in almost every article’s comments is tiresome.

      Especially on a humorous piece which has no relevance to your post..

    • Barbarian

      This is almost the post of the year.

      A brilliant parody of the small-minded, paranoid, pessimistic rugby fan who sees everything and anything as an excuse to rant about Robbie Deans. Even a light-hearted post about Richie.

      So well done Johnny, as a fellow satirist I tip my hat to you. You almost had me there for a minute.

  • Garry

    Great stuff, I’m still waiting to see if a copy of the ARU internal appraisal crossed your desk. It was obviously to complex for us mere mortals to grasp, but I thought you may have been privileged.

  • Bay35Pablo

    Pure bloody gold. This could go weekly.

    And don’t forget the Book of Exodus. Where the faithful are forced out of the holy land into the desert. Except in this version it’s called “Oz”, it’s not that bad, they’ve got these great things called “thumping economy”, “jobs” and “welfare”, and none of the buggers want to leave.

    Or the Book of Job. Where the Army of Blackness loses battle after battle, and Richie implores God “Why have you forsaken me?!?!?”, and God replies “Thou shall only win final battles at home …”.

    • bill

      Alternative book of revelations/job? Richie tempted by thai ladyboys on end of season team holiday?

      • uptheguts

        Bill?

  • horror-tahs

    Sonny Bill Williams = The Prodigal Son

  • cyclopath

    Your best yet, Hugh.

  • http://cjandfinn.com Gibbo

    Can’t wait to read the part where Graham Henry parts water and enables the chosen ones to walk to the South island.

  • Mikey

    brillant..combining my two of my three favourite things….the bible and richie mmcaw

  • Wolfie

    JB,

    It’s getting fairly tiresome.

    Either detail your understanding of the mechanics inside the WB camp and perceptions vs reality (based on fact), or give it a rest. Please

    • Dave

      There ain’t a thumbs-up big enough for that one.

  • Dr S

    Gee, lucky Richie isn’t muslim or you would have had a world riot on your hands!!! And a bounty on your head!

  • Richie McCaw

    I’ve come today to save you from the Goldness. Believe in me and you will be saved. Come to the Dark side children. Log onto ALLBLACKS.COM and fulfill your destiny.

    • Brumby Jack

      Sorry Bro, it’s geo blocked.

  • Blackness

    I’m a bit confused. This book has just come out and yet the refs of the last little while have been preaching this mantra like it’s been beaten into them every Sunday since they popped. Are you sure there isn’t an old testament out there somewhere or some lost scrolls or something?

  • mw

    priceless

  • Who Needs Melon

    Abso-freaking-lutely awesome. Made my day.

    Question: Is Dan Carter really jebus?

  • Errol

    Beautiful!

  • guinness14

    Gold, have just come onto this site, love it.

  • Lance Taylor

    I still think it’s funny that we have Richie – and you guys have Robbie.

    We win – again.

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