GruMpY Jeremy's a rugby man
Like Jeremy Clarkson, Bill Nighy, Rory McGrath and Bob Geldof I’m also a man of my times, bloody irritated by Gen Y and the modern age.
Why is it that the X-Box seems to have taken over from Snakes and Ladders? When was the last time you wrote a bloody letter? Remember picking up the phone and talking instead of tweeting, twitting or twatting?
What’s wrong with rucking and the three point try? Why can’t a winger throw the ball into the lineout? Whatever happened to David Fitter?
Why is it that hair gel is now more important to rugby players than liniment? Tight shorts were the realm of Warwick Capper, not Benn Robinson!
I’m getting grumpier by the minute but don’t you just hate those Wallaby jerseys with that strip below the man boobs? What was the go with that?
Is that velcro or something? So you could stick your CV to it when you applied for European rugby jobs?
Or was to let your tits ‘breathe’ and feel cool? I’m not sure thrusting out your ‘bristols’ and looking like a Page 3 girl was a positive when scrummaging against the Poms?
Speaking of the Poms, remember when they first turned up in their skin tight O2 ‘vests’ in the early noughties? Jason Leonard, Phil Vickery and Trevor Woodman.
They looked like Two Fat Ladies (are you allowed to say that anymore?) cloistered in Glad Wrap!
I’m really looking forward to the new Wallabies Kooga jersey cut. I’m hoping that some rugby players and not just Carson Kressley have had an input.
Tight waist, padded shoulders, sheer embroided mesh fronts, vents for the fuller figure…..ooooooh, I just can’t wait.
How come when I go to the footy I can’t even get a decent drink? It’s so bloody annoying that I’ve got to buy some sort of mid-strength puke tube that I wouldn’t feed my dog because supposedly yobbos get too pissed on anything above 1% alcohol content.
Don’t you know? This isn’t a f*ckin mungo crowd you wankers!!!!! I’m not going to get shit faced and crap in the aisle! I just want a bloody XXXX Heavy FFS!
So, I go to the rugby and if I’m lucky my hairy arsed wife has ‘allowed’ me to buy a season ticket. Why is it I’m stuck sitting next to the ex-pat Waratahs guy wearing the blue jersey even though we’re playing the Crusaders? Time warp? Beam me up Scotty? Magic mushrooms?
The Ground Announcer ‘on the tannoy’ as the Poms so quaintly put it. Firstly, why is he so often and why is he so f*ckin loud?
I want Cliff Richard and the Shadows when Big Kev is receiving attention, not Counting Crows….or Regurgitate…..or Wolffather….or Eskimo Nel! What’s wrong with Summer Holiday or The Young Ones?
The tennis I can understand?
At NZ grounds I notice they play hits of the sixties, seventies and eighties amongst the other stuff to cater for all the crowd, not just the ankle-biters. Its no wonder their stadiums are frequently a crowded house…..
And why does he have to announce the reason a penalty is awarded each time? My guess is to inform the 10% of ‘Hooray Henry’s’ ensconced in the corporate boxes (on the piss) that they should feel guilty they know jack-shit about what’s going on? Or is it a deeper malaise?
Isn’t it bloody irritating that you’ve got to mortgage your house to buy the crap piss and now ‘Five and Twenty-One’ pies they sell at the match.
Not forgetting that the oil they cooked the chips in was the same crap they used five weeks ago at the last game. Yum.
Getting into the ground used to be a doddle, but in ‘the war on terror’ times have changed. Some security goon thinks I’m Osama bin Laden and wants to feel me up and pat me down at the entrance.
No doubt looking for contraband – a ham and tomato sandwich.”Sorry sir, but you’re not allowed to bring your own food into the ground, it poses a security risk and contravenes our house policy…..and means we can charge you a small fortune for our shit chips instead”.
Why is it that rugby players have all got to have tattoos now? When I was a boy a tattoo was something that sailors used to get because they were tough, not ‘faux tough’.
You notice it’s mainly backs that have them now? Show ponying ‘faux tough’. Kees Meuws has got them but he’s f*ckin real tough!
How many substitutes are on the bench these days? Twenty, thirty or is it more? As a youngster, I remember when players got injured they weren’t replaced, so they stayed on as long as they could. I don’t remember any of these guys having tatts?
Assistant referees. You mean touchies? Now they have a license to thrill. Every one of them has a profile and to meet expectations they have to indulge in some ‘flag waving’ to ensure they get on the telie.
Well, the World Cup is next year so its hardly surprising – there’ll be more of it in the Super 14. Oh for the days of the anonymous Mr TJ……
Grumpy? Me? How very, very dare you.
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Lance Free: A nasty, opinionated little man whose narrow views and felonious intent can only mean 'Trouble' with a capital T. Interests: dwarf throwing and robotics. Favourite Sport: mungo bashing. Does he ever have anything positive to say? 
Great post mate…
good little read that
Lance, as a guy in his late 40′s(Ok, I’m 49), I could do a similar rant about how f’d up sporting events have become here in the US, as well.
When my Metropolis rugby club went to those stupid Canterbury Lycra jersey’s this year, I could have just fainted. Just like nobody wants to see Susan Boyle in a Speedo swim suit, nobody wants to see my prop-looking body in Lycra.
Great post, and happy new year.
Hey Nursedude, I read your review of Invictus on your blog.
As a Rugby Tragic and massive Clint Eastwood fan have been following the film from development to release with interest for two years. What I saw didn’t inspire me much; however your review has given me hope and I’m looking forward to seeing it again now.
Thanks – well done!
Nobody is taking my old Vodafone Wallabies Jersey; cut so perfectly well so as not to appear boastful by over accentuating my “1 pack”. If I can look down and see the tips of my boots then I’m in top shape. If not I just have to wear bigger boots.
If I had to wear one of these new wanker jerseys, I’d have to pad out the boobs with tissues just like my daughters had to do when they were 10. What’s the world coming too?
I’ve got a qantas one that looks pretty good.
When you see the barbarians games they wear the proper jerseys.
And what about the money these so-called rugby stars are paid these days? They play 13 Super games and a couple of trial matches and they’re paid a motza.
In the UK & France they play about three times as many games per season – sure they might get a few more shekels but there’s a big difference between playing 38 games v 13.
And don’t get me going on about personal responsibility and player behaviour…
Lance, despite that you may not like professionalism it is here to stay and the reality is that if we want a world class domestic competition then the Super 14 clubs are going to have to try and match what is being offered overseas. People have to understand the time and effort Super 14 players, coaches and personnel put into their season, and the time spent away from their family’s travelling. Add onto that the Wallaby players who are not based in Sydney, who would probably spend close to six months away from their family during the year. Now do you understand why their pay is so high, also remember that like any other job they have to perform or they get sacked, its a ruthless profession, and add on the scrutiny they come under publicly. As for player responsibility and behaviour, the vast majority of players have done nothing wrong, but like in any other profession you have the occasional incident or problem employee, the only different is that for a rugby player their indiscretions are highly publicised unlike that of say, a journalist writing for a blog.
I won’t bother going into the obvious fact of jealously, which is very evident in both the article itself and the comments.
I never normally comment on these articles but I do usually enjoy the read, but with that said I have to speak my mind, this article is just ridiculous. Three point tries? You can’t be serious, do you not know what the biggest current criticism of rugby is at the moment. Might as well take penalty shots at goal from set spots and call that the game. And whats wrong with the jerseys, oh, I get it, its jealousy of the physique rugby players have, the physique required to compete against other players who are also strong and fit, forget the fact that playing in tight jerseys is much, much easier. Forget that you no longer get someone grabbing your jersey from behind when you make a break because its blowing in the wind acting as a parachute, and forget that, for the vast majority of people, the tight jersey is preferred, and that it is also probably used to appeal to the younger generation.
David – you’re not from South Africa are you? Lighten up son, sounds to me like you need a humour injection….
Haven’t you seen the Brit TV program ‘Grumpy Old Men’? Get the DVD and you’ll understand.
Is the article a piss take? because to be honest in my sleep deprived state I can’t tell.
Was it that convincing? What do ya reckon?
I couldn’t reply to the thread above, but I do apologise. Reading rugby sites when severely sleep deprived is a crime against ones dignity. Especially because I am so passionate about the Reds and Wallabies.
No offense, but I really don’t like your articles much. Rather than being funny, they just seem bitter at anything that doesn’t fit into whatever your limited world view was when you were 20. At least it wasn’t as bad as the piece of homophobic trash you wrote last time (very glad that was pulled by the way, it was embarassing).
Rick Steel
Your not a gay adult entertainment star by any chance..?
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Because you clearly have an enormous pole up your arse. Lighten up pal.
I don’t care how the Wallabies look, how they feel, how much they get paid, how many tatts they have or even if they’re coached by a Kiwi. I just want them to beat NZ and South Africa convincinly and regularly for the rest of my life.
I thought his homophobic trash was a send up of other homophobic trash in general and in particular the recent rubbish written about the bravery or otherwise of certain players coming out up north.
Its one thing for players to make a statement of self revelation, which they have every right to do and should be respected for, but the way some in the world of journalism latch onto such frank moments and turn them into overblown, trivialised tripe gets my bile up. The insincerity and superficiality in these recent articles was dreadful. Think that was the point of his article; at least that was the way I took it.
It more than likely got pulled because of the liberal use of current Australian players names in the thread and the threat of libel, rather than the thread itself. Must say it raised my eyebrows at the time as it was probably intended to do.
Therein lies the complexity and risks involved in creative journalism and the corresponding reader interpretation.
I didn’t read nearly as much into a fairly immature gay joke, but I suppose its all about interpretation.
It’d be a sad old day in Australia if you couldn’t take the piss out of say…..Prime Ministers who are found wandering around a hotel at night without their pants on….or former Prime Ministers who cark it in some sleazy motel with a local whore….or some ‘saintly’ golfer who turns out to be a sleazeball….or a high profile footy player who admits to picking up blokes in gay bars!
Homophobic my arse! The nuances of that post were about the topicality of footy players ‘coming out’ (big deal) and the Wallabies playing this season like a bunch of old sheilas. Who gives a shit any more whether they are gay or not – all it does is provide fodder for taking the piss.
In my view, ‘political correctness’ by anyone is there to be ‘exposed’ regardless of type. That post was given limited airtime because it was a little ‘cutting edge’ and it was thought that the ARU lawyers may not have a similar sense of humour….
Sometimes these things can be a bit ‘hit and miss’ but at least I give it a go.
I’m looking forward to critiquing your next G&GR article Rick.
PS Thanks to the bloggers who called me a ‘journalist’ – you’re too kind.
Didn’t actually call you a Journalist Lance. Didn’t want to cause you any offence. Journalism and Journalist seem to be mutually exclusive these days.
bitch, bitch, bitch…
way to go Lance Free and keep ‘em coming, I never realised what a bunch of tossers read this site – funny that I don’t recall hearing any of those guys say anything about Rugby….
Well said Patrick.
And who really cares if Gareth Thomas is gay?
His public admission of such looked to me like a publicity stab. Has he got a book coming out (no pun intended) soon..?
I feel more sorry for his ex-wife; apparently they were a couple from their youth; childhood sweethearts. She must be feeling like shit while he’s waving the rainbow flag with one hand and with the other holding the microphone telling the BBC his private life is his own and “What I choose to do when I close the door at home has nothing to do with what I have achieved in rugby” unquote.
What a wanker.
The BBC is a notoriously politicized liberal organization; they would have ate that up like a fat U/12′s prop gobbling chocolates on the bus back from Saturday Sports.
“Ohh, the brave gay boyo has come out”.
Give me a break. I guarantee it was some jilted boyfriend or scandal which precipitated this “brave” admission.
One of the great things about Rugby Culture is that there’s plenty of room to take the piss out of ourselves and all those around us. If this ever changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cry live and let live to such an ultra sensitive degree I’ll be frigged if I will change to suit some hypocritical tossers who are more interested in raising their own profiles and making themselves look better than the next guy like the elitist floggers they are.
There are plenty of openly Lesbian women playing rugby who have represented our country. No one gets bent outta shape about them. Truth of the matter is they could smack half of the rugby playing/ex-playing/supporting public on their arses no bother if an inappropriate suggestion was made to or about them.
At one stage I shared a townhouse with a Queen and a Hippy Chick – talk about culture shock… I don’t think my muddy boots dropped on the doorstep every Sunday morning was appreciated. Luckily I was passed out next to them so I could carry them in when I woke from my stupor. The gay guy once told me he used to go to Canberra and shag half the blokes his brothers played footy with. I never believed him of course; he was as ugly as a hatful of monkeys arses and a fat lying bastard. But I had no doubt there were plenty of fruits in boots on parks all across the country.
Who cares? Next topic please, so I can deride and stamp my ignorant values and judgments upon it.
After all, that’s what we do.
At least they can trust us with full strength beer in NSW, a shame it’s of the shitty domestic beer variety, and that if anyone shows up to watch the Tahs then the lines are prohibitive.
Worst bar lines were for Sonny Bills’ Baa Barbarians vs the Wallabies, about 40 minutes to get a maximum of 4 shitty Tooheys White Stag.
BTW great, fun article Lance, keep ‘em coming…
On the topic of homosexuality, I’ve always thought John Eales was gay.
I didn’t get a chance to read Lance’s article before it was pulled.
But the more popular this website becomes the more haters who have to write their critical bullshit every post will turn up.
Also, get an avatar if you want to argue it makes it so much more meaningful.
Oh Bobas you’re so write about the avatar thing.
Maybe if I get one you can impregnate me with your virile man gravy?
well… maybe.
John-Eales-GAY..?
Wash your mouth out with a warm glass of Lion Red!
When your Six Foot Eight, 120kgs, the best in the world with the respect of your peers AND rivals you can speak in a polite, breathy, efeminate voice any time you’ken like…
HAIL THE GREAT MAN!
eels song.
All I could come up with was a rainbow coloured McCaw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O63gD3uIxsA
Love it! Love it! Haven’t stopped laughing for the last five minutes. Very rich Rugby Culture.
Man Gravy! You’re killing me. Bobas you might be onto something good here. Better than being in the bottom of a ruck.
I just want to say I take Mr Phillip Kearns circa 1990 as my model of sartorial elegance.
Is that you Skeptical?
Eales was married with a kid. And with very strong religious views, I would surely say that it would be against his thoughts to be gay. Nothing wrong with homosexuality.
Great article Lance, sent it over to my old man, he had a good chuckle as well.
I just decided to read the above comments before i wrote, and I have uncovered a few things. Some of you should cut that political correctness and take it to your State office. No one gives a shit, good read Lance, and it was good to have some humour going around this site taking the mickey out of the professional era.
Chief, priests have strong religous values too, but some of them like shagging alter boys.
How’s that for political correctness??? Who’s next????!!!!!
Btw, there is no way eales is gay.
Sure is Gumby!! Hows it going?? Still on a slight high over the cricket result… Had the worst surf of my life last Thursday….did not get ONE wave. New board + sucky waves meant I never had it sussed and at about 3 degrees above zero it was time to get out before I did.
Hey Scotty. Hope other than the surfing your Christmas & New Year was top notch and that the family are well and hearty.
Yeah the Cricket was a great result but somehow I find it hard to get inspired by the game these days as we have been winning for so long, leaving out the very occasional Ashes blip.
And before Steve Waugh took the West Indies pacemen apart in 94, I think it was, for his fabulous double ton the West Indians had dominated for 15 years. It’s getting to be like League really; monotonous. The Indians might be ranked 1st but few outside India credit them with the ranking in truth.
Mate G&G Rugby has saved my life. It’s hard to fire up over any of the topics on 606 this time of year and with little happening down here its kept me from going loopy. Great site with outstanding posts; thanks for the tip.
Keep well and don’t get frostbite. Had some spectacular weather over there lately I see. Great surfing weather!
Actually it was in 95 and played in Jamacia. Just checked it in Wiki. Last man out for 200. Exciting stuff.
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