New Zealand claims both rugby 7's gold at Rio - Green and Gold Rugby
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New Zealand claims both rugby 7’s gold at Rio

New Zealand claims both rugby 7’s gold at Rio

Despite not winning a gold medal in either the men’s or women’s rugby sevens, the NZRU has claimed both teams are Olympic Champions.

In a brief statement provided to Off White Card, the NZRU has moved quickly to reassure the New Zealanders that cheating was at the core of the failure of both teams.

In move that may raise eye brows across the rugby world, the NZRU has argued that due its unassailable status as the world’s best rugby nation, it naturally follows that all their rugby teams are the best in the world and can only be beaten when referees conspire against them.

A clearly emotional NZRU official spoke to OWC earlier today, “Look, I don’t want this to sound like sour grapes, because it’s not, it’s just that we were robbed.

“We’ve worked closely with the IRB since the 2007 RWC to ensure that New Zealand rugby isn’t subject to these sorts of conspiracies and to be honest, on the whole, things have been working pretty well; that is until Rio.”

The NZRU is pointing to two crucial yellow cards as evidence the team was dudded.

“Paddy O’Brien and Mike Cronn have done some great stuff with the IRB over the years and came to an agreement that yellow cards shall only be given to Kiwi players in the final minutes of games and only if the end result of the game is beyond doubt.

“I just got off the phone with Titch, and he’s inconsolable, as are the team. As for the girls, well, poor Portia, that knock on from the kick-off was a direct result of that rubbish yellow card. Someone needs to be held accountable and it shouldn’t be her.

“The bloke I feel most sorry for is  Sonny-Bill. He gave away his RWC medal safe in the knowledge that he’d be in the 7s team and they’d win gold – it was all arranged, now it’s buggered!”

Further to the statement the NZRU has set up an investigative committee consisting of Sir Graham Henry and Ritchie McCaw to work out how the rugby world could get it so wrong.

“With Sir Ted and Ritchie we’ve got two blokes who’ll get to the bottom of it. They’re the best that’s ever lived so who better to have leading the investigation?” The source confirmed.

“What we’re keen to know is why the IOC didn’t get the memo and have a few heads on spikes.”

When approached for comment, an IRB spokesman said they were monitoring the situation closely and were quote, “concerned” about the implications the outcome of the Olympic results might have on the world-wide dominance of New Zealand rugby.

While yet to confirmed, it is expected planned tour of New Zealand both men’s and women’s teams to parade their gold medals will go ahead to show the world that New Zealand is still the choicest.

  • Pclifto

    Well played. Good afternoon chuckle!

  • No. 1 Classic

    Titch was also livid that Rio officials limited him to only seven players on the field at a time: “it completely removed our unfair advantage, and our draw and pass was not nearly as effective”

    • solomone.

      Sweet victory to Fiji

    • solomone.

      There is no need to cry over the spilt milk. Be man and stand upright that you have done a good game. Just because Fiji won against the US which get you through. We as Fijian are proud because they work harder on the feild and not complaining of the desion making. We as the lone Pacific Islander representative are proud of your achivement.Go FijiGo

  • MM

    Gold……..

  • 15 years and counting…

    Oh no! You’ve made that fatal mistake in thinking New Zealand actually gives a flying fark about 7’s rugby. Nice innovative approach here lads but we care about the real version of the game. The same one you all do.

    • Muzz

      If you won gold you would care

      • Jackson

        You mean like the way Ben Smith, Ardie Savea, Julian Savea, Beauden Barrett, Kieran Read, Victor Vito and Malakai Fekitoa all cared when approached to play Sevens at the Olympics? NZ hopes Fiji win the Gold medal in Rio. The real focus is adding the Boedisloe Cup to the William Webb Ellis trophy. How sweet it is.

    • matty__k

      What stage of grief is denial?

  • Seb V

    First Larkham, now this. Gezz what a bunch of bitter sore losers.

  • DingDong

    Im assuming that all of this story is satire… right? Right?

    • John Tynan

      Like all good satire, the kernel of truth is there (and in this case is linked)

  • Gus

    I thought it was down to the waitress at the Brazilian BBQ joint doping the ribs?

  • Darren

    Was this article suppose to be funny?
    Can the author try to have at least one pubch line.

    • RugbyReg

      here’s the punchline:

      “Sevens captain: No calls went our way”

      http://m.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=11691508

      • Spank

        That is definitely a Wold Record first then. Love to see more of that …………

      • Garry

        The article was worth a chuckle, until you read the nzherald article. Now it’s hilarious.
        Gold.
        I can see why the Kiwi posters are livid.

        You’re correct about one thing though. Such a mistake would never have been allowed to happen on Paddy O’brien’s watch.

    • Please Pick Quade!

      Mate it was as funny as that Wallaby whitewash at home by Eddie’s English. No, actually it was as funny as the Aussie Super Rugby teams efforts against Kiwi opposition. Or is it that Reds coaching carousal In Brisbane, or maybe that Brumbies Board in Canberra or that Force future in Perth. To hell with it, I’ll settle for all those Stephen Moore post game losing speeches and those World Rugby Coach of the Year Cheika halftime rants.

      • Joe King

        It was just a laugh. We know the Kiwis are fine rugby players and we respect you for it.

  • Jimmy T

    The more you see articles like this, the more you understand the depth of the envy.

  • Robert

    Priceless. And the only thing better than their rugby is their ability to take a joke.

  • Spank

    I take it this is good Comedy Show stuff. Let’s look at it this way though – NZ is a little, insignificant country but it is good at two things – Firstly Rugby Union and ………….. I can’t think of the other thing but there must be something.

    • AllyOz

      some nice white wine and some very decent lamb…and lots of milk powder

  • Henry Dissmissinya

    absolutely brilliant, had a good laugh

  • HK Red

    Wow these comments are interesting. I actually didn’t realise Kiwis were so insecure!
    You’d think with all their dominance in rugby, a little bit of comedy like this would be water off a duck’s back. Though I suppose when that’s all you’ve got, you protect it furiously.

  • Sideshow

    I’m actually genuinely surprised at the number of kiwis having a cry in the comments section here. I mistakingly thought kiwis were cool in general.

  • gladstonekinnoul

    Brilliant….from up North!

  • Robert

    Sadly, I have no illusions about the state of Australian rugby and if a Kiwi site can put up a light hearted jest at our expense, I will be the first to laugh. Unfortunately, parody and a light touch does not seem to be the Kiwi way though.

  • Mica

    Well played Sir. :)

  • AllyOz

    We will be dissolving the Western Force and entering our Women’s team (plus eight more) as our fifth Super team. I expect them to at least beat the Reds in their first season. Whilst they may give away a bit of weight in scrum and a bit of height in the lineout they are certainly skilled enough around the paddock and good looking enough to distract the other Aussie teams and the Argentinians, Japanese and South Africans. The Western Women might still struggle against the Kiwis unless we get them to wear woollen coats…..

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