Nutta's Navel Gazing Revisited - Hookers - Green and Gold Rugby

Nutta’s Navel Gazing Revisited – Hookers

Nutta’s Navel Gazing Revisited – Hookers

Last time we rediscovered 1&3. So now we split the difference…

Hanging between the twin philosophers of 1 & 3, Hooker is the weird member of the Fronties-family. The merry little chap in the No2 jersey generally spends his time muttering to himself, dreaming up dastardly ways to murder enemies (not always opponents and often Backs on his own side) and they have strange penchants for interpretative dance of which we may catch glimpses at lineout time when preparing to throw lineouts, in dingy bars in the small hours of the morning and in the dressing sheds when he thinks no-one is looking.

Physically these chaps are a mixed mob. As the role requires little other than blind, reckless courage and complete disregard for normalalised levels of self-preservation, there isn’t really a classic model. Therefore Hooking is the default sanctuary for all manner of physically & emotionally impaired social deviants who life has simply taught to harden-up from Tyrian Lannister to Watto the gambling Star Wars Junk Merchant to Gollum in his all-consuming passion to take the Precious (a tighthead scrum). The typical physical attributes are mouth-breathing, squinty-eyes, bad knees and an obvious case of un-diagnosed ‘angry-man’ syndrome. Spiritually they tend to be closet S&M fans and have been to known to travel with their leatherface mask in their kit-bag (just in case).

It is important to remember that being the Chosen-Beholder of the No2 jersey is inexplicably dear to their hearts whilst simultaneously frightening to everyone else. Therefore they are best regarded like Tasmanian Devils; appearing relatively small and harmless as they continuously jog around the outside of the group, but be aware that 25% of their body-weight are teeth and they are known to use them on friend and foe alike simultaneously. They are the one person most likely to eat their colleagues if lost, or simply feeling peckish, and they will stab team-mates if they try and steal his chips. They also tend to be secret ‘apoco-preppers’ who have a deep longing for the freedom of a dystopian, post-apocalyptic wasteland on-which to unleash their own special brand of justice and as-such know entire scenes of Mad Max I & II and Wolf Creek by heart. So be wary of individual invitations to their “farm” and it’s best to only socialise with them in public areas and in large groups.

The age-old argument between the little-nimble vs the Bessa-block Hooker is played out in hieroglyphs on Pyramid walls. However all tend to agree that good-un’s generally lack a sunny disposition, tend to be deviant drunks and are most likely the one guy in a dressing shed to be secretly armed. It’s usually an unspoken part of the No3’s role to unobtrusively pat-down the Hooker pre-game to remove the spikes, knives and razors we all just know the deranged little monster is carrying.

You can generally spot Hookers on the field via three distinct attributes:

1) they are the first to be bleeding from the head (and they like it that way),

2) whether 40 points up or down they will still shamble back to the kick-off croaking “Nil all Boys! Nil all!” and

3) at lineouts they assume a physically bizarre, contorted Preying-Mantis shape of pseudo-religious somnolence before inexplicably throwing the ball into the dirt at their feet and looking at the Ref aghast at the suggestion of “Not straight”.

Idols: Max Rockatansky, Mick Taylor, Nicky Santoro

Favourite drink: Spirits. Whatever. Double. No coke. Leave the bottle.

Politics: Coup d’etat. Frequently.

Motto: A good plan, violently executed, right now, is far better than a perfect plan executed tomorrow.

  • Greg

    Thanks for the post Nutta.

    Great to have something to chuckle over in the morning. Let’s be honest…. 2s are always something to chuckle over!

  • A Dingo Stole My Rugby

    So very true, Nutta. I was once asked to convert to playing hooker, but as a self-respecting tight-head, I told the coach to go away (in my own way).
    Imagine the shame I could have brought on my family.

    “Politics: Coup d’etat. Frequently.” – I hear that there might be an ex-hooker somewhere who thinks they should be CEO of a certain sporting organisation…

    • Nutta

      Cliches are funny because they’re true!

  • laurence king

    My dad told me that he would have a handfull of pepper in his pocket to be used in the first scrum.

    • KwAussie Rugby Lover

      Best I saw was a player rub some shit on the mustache of the hooker in the first scrum. This poor bugger had to smell shit for the whole game as he couldn’t wash it out. Fuck I laughed

      • Bobas

        That’s some psychopathic behaviour. Can’t say I’ve ever seen someone get a Shitler except on South Park.

        • KwAussie Rugby Lover

          It was great. Cost him a few beers after the game but he said it was worth it

  • KwAussie Rugby Lover

    Mate you are gold. And spot on. They don’t often get pulled up by the commentators but they are the worst at arguing with a referee’s decision, always have an excuse “It was the wind ref, In threw it straight, are you sure the sun/rain/cloud/my fist was in your eyes” and never accept the blame for their evil ways. They are never ready in the scrum and when they lose a hook it’s always the refs fault for not calling them down properly.
    Love them to bits

  • Keith Butler

    Couldn’t have put it better myself. I owe my cauliflower ear to the boney hips of our 2. Only 14st wet but played for London Counties back in the day. Ask him the score he’d say 1-0. Hookers don’t count tries, conversions etc only tight heads won or lost. A truely mysterious breed.

  • Keith Butler

    Looking forward to your expose on locks Nutta. I may have a few pearls of wisdom to share of the the days before assistant referees and video replays. Some of which were painful.


Underfed front-rower with no speed or ball skills. Started playing footy in the 70's and still going. Can't remember the last time I passed on a ball, beer or karaoke mike. Motto - "Meat and potatoes first. Then gravy. And you don't put gravy on the plate first Boy."

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