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Nutta’s Team Talk to the Wallabies

Nutta’s Team Talk to the Wallabies

Back in the mid-1980s – a glorious time of proper lineouts, ridiculous haircuts and crap music – I was a young snapper just starting to play senior rugby in country NSW. I had a coach who was a cliched sheep farmer with an amazing knowledge of the game and a broad drawl that I could tell hundreds of anecdotes about.

Well, we had a game come up against the zone champions – they were massive, fast, skilled, undefeated, blah blah blah… we had no form to think we could win, but sure as shite we weren’t going to be beaten by these posers and this old coach told us to do three things. (Ya listening now Dingo? Ah that’s right, you don’t like advice much. Forgot that.)

The Plan

Mick Brial – a bit over-eager

1. Go at them hard & make it a scrap. Don’t wait. Don’t sit back. Do short kick-offs, nudge drop-outs, pressure the middle of the lineout and make them throw front, hold up every ball-runner and force the maul… Make it a dogfight and see who is standing at the end.

2. Ruck everything on the ground. No stupid stabbing or dancing, that only gets penalised. Get past the ball and churn the feet. Make sure everyone understands that if you slow it up you will shed blood (mind you in those days we still wore proper boots – not these girlie fuckin’ blades things).

3. Very first opportunity you get, punch your opponent fair in the mouth. Fuckin’ belt him. No biting or eye-gouging or Jarpie cheap crap like that – but punch him square and hard enough so he tastes/feels/sees his own blood. I don’t care if he punches your head down your neck after it – especially as no one ever sees the first punch but they see the retaliation and losing a tooth to see one of them cop a red card is a win in my book. Just make sure you belt him first, and hard. It will spoil their composure.

And that Thursday night at the pub (remember the good old days when you actually went to the sponsors pub after training? and had a feed? and the young fellas wanted to hear the stories, be involved and not dabble on a bloody iPhone?) we played a video of the Wales and All Blacks Tests of ‘Step Forward’ fame.

The aftermath

War wounds

We drew. Six points and two dozen stitches all (all done on the sidelines). It worked. I’ve never forgotten it. As I got older I talked with men who played on both sides that day. And none of them have ever forgotten it. I get goosebumps remembering it and feeling the scar over my eyebrow….

I know it’s a cliche. I know professional sport sees itself as above such common brutality. And I know I’ll cop stick from the La La Police. But seriously, this is a contact sport and if ever we were to pull out and remember the ‘Step Forward’ approach – it’s now.

Time to remember the likes of Wild Bill Cerutti, Poido, Tony Shaw, Jim Roxburgh, Stan Pileki, Sam Scott Young, even Peter Fitz when his blood was up….

The moral of the story

Sometimes in life, a game is not a game. Sometimes what seems like just another event is actually much more. My pride, my honour, my country are not the vehicle for anyone else’s self-aggrandisement and hubris, be it the All Blacks or Quade Cooper.

Seventeen Tests in a row eh? Fuck ‘em. Belt ‘em.

  • runit

    Oh and what a wonderful day it would be!

  • Luke

    Hahahaha great anecdote, especially chuckled hard at #3.

  • Reminded me of the Mike Tyson quote:

    “Everyone’s got a plan ’til they get punched in the mouth”

  • Skip

    Fuck them and their fucking ‘mystique’. Let em know that the shit the ref never sees them do at the breakdown will at least fucking hurt. Legally. Just like last time in bris.

  • Trys NOT Kicks

    Fk ‘em. Belt ‘em.

    Gold

  • The Battered Slav

    However if you’re going to belt ‘em, just make sure you do a better job of it than Michael Brial and Brendand Cannon.

    Brial didn’t land a single shot against Bunce and Canno got his bell rung after giving Mealamu a little tickle.

    • Ian

      Cannon flattened Kiv-ins nose like a pancake, was barely a tickle.

  • TSR

    Better than any game plan we have used for the last 12 months.

  • ooaahh

    Can you start with the coach on the way down the tunnel?

  • Jimmy

    You know we have problems when responses to articles end up as an article of their own.

    Actually – I agree with Nutta – great work mate. Can we have this pinned on the wall of the “Home” dressing room at Suncorp for tomorrow night??

  • Dally M

    Go hard, or go home!

  • baldwid

    Its saddens me a bit when we seem to have more fight in us than the squad does!!

    Praying that Higgers, Sitta, TPN and Palu just lose their shit and bottle these pricks tomorrow night!

  • Jay-c

    I’ll never forget mortlock v Wales in 2007 wc
    Barnes (youngest on field) gets hammered in a late tackle by welsh fb Thomas, Within 10 mins or so mortlock has lined him up and drops a shoulder into him forcing him to the sidelines, not long after he drops someone else sending them off- Wales were rattled that day- and they never recovered…possibly my proudest gold memory

    • skip

      he busted some rib cartilage on thmoas as i recall

  • The Other Dave

    Having had the misfortune of travelling with an arrogant kiwi (who didn’t even know where Scotland was) for over a month, I hope we give it to these bastards.
    Basically, if we produce a performance like last year’s test, I’d be pretty chuffed – even if the scoreline’s different, at least we looked like a football team with purpose.

  • Fantastic! I got goosebumps reading it.

  • Ian

    I have compiled the following list of adjectives that i feel best suit those lovely chaps from across the dutch:

    Arrogant
    Narcissistic
    Over-rated
    Undeserving
    Cocky
    Unwelcome

    Never before has the world seen such an undesirable force for evil! It is up to Australia, the last line of defence, to belt these psuedo-poms back into their box.. For the greater good.. for world justice!

    I for one will be making these filthy, unwashed, Waikato Draught drinking, Gangam style wankers very unwelcome at suncorp stadium tomorrow!

    Whose with me? WE WANT BLOOD!!!

    • Jimmy

      The saddest part is that basically our government will be paying the All Black supporters to be there (through benefits) and cheer on their own team.

      You would think they would be a little more grateful and let us win.

      • Ian

        If they sold KFC in the stadium, the kiwis would never leave.

        Aww, Kay Fee Cee Bro!

        • S Paddy

          Laughable eh. All this crap about anything but the rugby is typical aussie BS. Am currently at a BBQ in NZ with people who work hard, have tons of money, and live life to the full. No bludgers or losers. Just objective footy fans (who appreciate the Wallabies are trying their hearts out) waiting for a great game. Unfortunately for you guys the negative, barbed, insincere blogs make us laugh harder. Its a real shame because the rugby writers on this site have a lot to offer.

    • OK fellas, let’s tone it down a bit. Name calling gets pretty ordinary pretty fast

    • PD

      There are going to be Ozzies at the game? Looking forward to seeing all the Black jerseys.

  • ian

    This got me fantasising about scraps breaking out every few minutes, yellow cards for Jesus and a few reds, bloodied faces on TV that Foxsports gets complaints about and some pretty pissed offAB coaching staff giving interviews at the airport the next day.

    But then I looked at the wobs forward pack. Fuck.

    • Ian

      Hey, some monkey nicked my name!

      Just so you blokes know, this guy is some new Ian! His views are not necessarily shared by all Ians.

      Welcome Ian.

      • Jimmy

        It’s fine IAN – the “new” ian uses a lower case “i”. He shall henceforth be known as “Little” ian.

        Problem sorted.

        There is also a “jimmy” and we manage to work it out in the same way.

        • Ian

          Bit worried about the “Yellow Cards for Jesus”

          Sounds like a dodgy charity drive!

          I am sure if Jesus played Rugby, he would certainly be a Wallaby Forward, much in the same vein as John Eales..

        • ian

          By ‘yellow cards for jesus’ I meant shit loads of them. Sometimes I use esoteric turns of phrase in an attempt to appear much more interesting than I really am.

      • Go to http://www.gravatar.com and get an avatar!

        • Ian

          Just testing to see if my avatar thingy now works… It is a tribule to Shar-peis final tour.

    • Nutta

      There was a great old rugby song about Jesus playing rugby:

      (to the strains of “Glory, Glory, Alleluia”)

      “Jesus can’t play rugby cos:
      (Sing the line x 3 times)
      > his head-gear is illegal
      > the water boys get pissed
      > he’s got holes in his hands
      > he’s only got 12 mates
      > the blood rule will apply
      But rugby marches on

      Chorus
      Glory glory to the rugby x 3
      The rugby marches on”

      Come on… any others I’ve forgotten?

  • Chucka

    My first ever coach (Also a sheep farmer) when i started playng (Seniors) at 16 told me the following ” If they have hands on the ball…… Snap their F#&KING fingers off!!!!” The biggest thing missing from the wallabies is the mongrel/ ruthlessness that people like Owen Finnagen showed on the field during the glory days

  • Saderchief

    @Ian

    Arrogant
    Narcissistic
    Over-rated
    Undeserving
    Cocky?

    You could easily describe the Wallabies with these words

    • Ian

      I’m just surprised that there is a kiwi out there that actually knows the definition of the word narcissistic.

      • Goldie

        The kiwis aren’t reading this, they are all busy looking at themselves in the mirror.

        Guarantee you can find supporters of both teams that those words apply to.

        Most people just want to see a good hard test match and may the team that plays the best win.

        • Ian

          Agreed.. as long as the Wallabies are the team that plays the best.

        • Dally M

          And as long we aren’t talking about the referee after the match as well.

          Let it be decided by the other 30 men on the pitch.

      • Saderchief

        Ah more Kiwi bashing. Is this all you can muster?
        The Wallabies under perform and you revert to insults? Cool story bro. I feel sorry for you.

        • Ian

          Better than the “you are” you posted initially. Don’t take it to heart too much, Kiwi bashing is just another national past time.

          We do recognise that you have a good rugby team, but it is heaps fun getting stuck into you guys.

        • Jimmy

          Wallabies aren’t under performing….their Kiwi coach is!!!

          Well that’s my story and I’m sticking to it for the time being.

      • Saderchief

        Touché shackle dragging convict. Try not to get arrested before the game.

        • Ian

          you are!

        • commonasmud

          Sader, we’re proud of the fact that some of us have come from convict stock and have improved ourselves.

          You should be thanking us for giving a large part of your population meaningful work… or at the least someone to steal stuff from…. bru.

      • TerribleTowel

        I’m not narcissistic, I mean c’mon, I reckon the bloke in the mirror is the best looking guy I’ve ever seen

  • RJ

    Shackle dragging convicts that have helped your country stay out of recession by buying up your entire banking system and investing billions into mining in NZ.

    Just say Churs bro and go about your day.

    Also, the % of kiwi’s who have been to jail is about double that of Australians.

    • Jimmy

      What’s this “been” business??

      Head to any correctional facility – they are all still there.

    • richard

      How noble of you, buying up our banking system and then gouging the nz public with exorbitant interest rates, with obscene profits being sent back to oz.

      As for the mining, that too is a one -way street, I believe the oz mining company gets around 98% of the profits.

      So , don’t talk to us about how you are doing us a favour, oz’s motives are purely self – serving!

  • peterlala

    Nutta, that’s the best rugby article I have read in years. Fantastic.

  • mark conley

    Arrogant
    Narcissistic
    Over-rated
    Undeserving
    Cocky
    Unwelcome

    Ridiculous, some of their supporters, just as some of ours, it would be a fair enough comment but certainly not the AB’s (apart from Ali W, and Dagg though certainly not over-rated would tick a few of those boxes)

    • Ian

      And I guess Richie McCaw is not a cheat either?

  • johnny-boy

    The reality is the All Blacks recently thrashed the Boks and the Boks recently thrashed us and we struggled to beat Argentina who were wiped off the park by the All Blacks.

  • Paul

    Ah! Beautiful to read! In the leadup to a big local game in the same era, before our post training beers in the sponsor’s pub, our hard-arsed coach had us all lying down, side-by-side. The end person would stand up and stomp across everyone’s chest to the other end and lie down. Up got the next bloke. I still wake up sweating and open-eyed as i saw our 110+Kg Tongan, non-english-speaking, no-visa prop coming across my fellow weasley backline player’s chests… I never knew what instructions he had heard.

    • BloodRed

      ahh..good times. Reminds me of how we used to practise rucking…

  • Jarofvegemite

    IF I wasnt from convict stock Id be a fucking POM

  • bludge

    nothing of note to say? then insult people and make it personal.

    classy stuff from a classy bunch.

    i’ll be back to see whats said after the test. will be interesting stuff ay? lets read the future… wallabies win? there’ll be rugby talk. ABs win? it’ll be just insults.

    classy

    • Bay35Pablo

      Draw … ?

  • Parra

    What a disgrace! And what a classy bunch you are. In my view it is only the very weak, low down, people with a chip, etc who punch someone off-the-bat with no provocation. And all you tossers who’ve agreed and ‘felt chills going down your backs’ reading the article are also weak deep down inside.

    I’m an Aussie and proud of it but this drivel makes me shake my head. Yes, you’ve got to be hard – it’s a (heavy) contact sport after all and half the battle is rattling your opposite. But it’s also a SPORT and as Australians we have a fine tradition of fairness and gentleman’s play.

    This means you absolutely smash the c$%t opposite you at the first and every chance you have, BUT you do it within the rules* – a la the Stirling Mortlock example, and use your shoulders. You win/get the upper hand with decency. This sets us apart from the eye-gouging nations.

    The idea is when you wake up in the middle of the night in 40 years you can say ‘ahh yeah, I played with honour and I never made a cheap shot’.

    If you want to throw a punch at someone from the off there are plenty of other sports you can choose, like, ahh, oh yeah.. BOXING!! As I said it’s a weakness/cheapness within some of us to want to punch someone in the face for no good reason. Rugby is one instance where the opportunity exists for such people but it’s no excuse. You see kids doing it in intoxicated gangs, but there’s nothing good in it, nothing you can hang your boots on.

    We’ve been outplayed, outclassed or out thought for more or less the last 10 years (and embarrassed by more than a few minor nations) and you want to turn all that around in one game by punching the kiwis in the face. Firstly you have to start playing good rugby, and that involves being aggressive, using our hips and shoulders and playing with pride.

    • richard

      Big ups to you Parra, you seem to me to be the only one on this thread with a modicum of intelligence. If all of you oz supporters think that you are going to punch your way to victory, you had better wake up and smell the coffee. Try that, and you will find yourself on the end of a good flogging, as most of your players will be watching the game from the sideline.

      To those clowns waffling on about nz arrogance, thats a bit rich coming from your lot.It isn’t the ab’s who shoot their mouths off in the lead – up to every test or denigrate opposing teams( think w.samoa, scotland).

      • Jimmy

        I think you have both missed the point. There is a hell of a lot of “tongue in cheek” about this article.

        The main focus is that Aus supporters just want to see a bit of passion and “mongrel” from this team. For people like me, the article is just a glance back to days where people who constantly broke the rules weren’t protected to the same extent by referees and where national coaches in this country didn’t say things like “they are too good, we can’t beat them”.

        Don’t for a minyte think many of us really want to see our team go out there and start swinging. We want them to play with a bit of passion, get themselves a coach with his heart in this country, and stop fucking bowing down to a bunch of grots across the sea.

        I realise Kiwis have never really understood the Australian psyche or sense of humour (as displayed by your post) but don’t for a second think we are all pushing this as our literal game plan. It is a sentiment piece – not an instruction. My, and other responses are half in jest. I realise most kiwis will not get it, I’ve seen Kiwis take things we say far too seriously and get upset about it. It’s amazing how you guys can give it but often can’t take it back. Anyway – this piece wasn’t directed at a Kiwi audience so i suggest that if you are so offended, just don’t read it.

        • Nutta

          Cheers Jimmy. Watched the game again on the Sunday just passed so came to check the article again. I was reading all these comments so long after the fact I was feeling a wee bit lonely for a while there thinking “They just don’t get it, do they?”

    • canuck

      Quick get him…..

  • ‘Boutbloodytime

    Love it Nutta!

    Showing some mongrel n inyerface style of play will see me happy regardless of the result…

    And if you poor little kiwi trolls on here don’t like the sentiment, I don’t remember anyone inviting you here…You have the freedom to leave.

  • Gunner

    An aptly named author, what BS this article is.
    Tell me one of our guys who, if he belted his opposite number would come out on top?
    Do you want another 15 blokes on the injury list? Idiot.

    • Jimmy

      I’ll give you two – Palu, Timani. Oh sorry, I forgot – No one is allowed to pretend to be tougher than a Kiwi. It’s the be all and end all over there.

  • Gunner

    Maybe Timani, but Palu on Read? Nope Reed is too strong and he’s match fit – so only another 14 on the injury list.

  • blah

    Wah the big boys stole my cup. Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    Mummy mummy Richie is cheating again – make him stop mummy. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

  • blah

    Wah.

  • Nutta

    Wow. I just got back from taking my girls to swimming, had a sneaky pete and I’m blown away by the responses.

    Thankyou to all – even the trolls and the sanctimonious – for responding. I read every comment and there has been some good slap in both directions.

    Bear in mind this originally was a comment/response rant to some idiot kiwi journos transparent domestic orientated red-ragging rabble-rousing. It was a tongue-in-cheek blow back in the same spirit. So for the somewhat-highly-strung haters out there on both sides of the Tasman – chill out a wee bit and don’t take yourselves so seriously. Notice this was tagged under HUMOUR.

    Also, have a think about the story. We were against a team we knew were vastly better then us (like tonight). We knew it. We had a crap season and were running out of numbers (think losses to Scotland, Samoa and an injury toll to match). So we searched our hearts and employed the only tactics we had left against a superior opponent in a typical jingoistic Ocker Aussie response – make it a dog-fight and throw them off balance. Did every single one of us that day punch someone? Did the coach seriously expect us to? Don’t be stupid. Did a few us get a little nefarious with fists and studs? Bloody oath we did. I think it was Sean Fitzpatrick who bastardised a quote from Sir Douglas Haig and said “Beware the wounded Aussie”.

    So good luck to all tonight. I wish no serious injuries on anyone – be they player or spectator. But do I mind the spilling of a little blood to upset an opponent? Nah. It’s only blood. You’ve got more.

    And for those wool-infatuated, in-bred, Bondi-bludging, 13 fingered, no-name, Deliverance-Extra-Wannabes who reckon they can start celebrating “17 tests in a row” before the kick-off – against an Aussie team at that – well every now & again the world has a funny way of squaring away the conceited…

    • yourmatesam

      Soapie has a certain way doesn’t he mate!

  • How’d you rate the Wallabies playing to this game plan Nutta?

    I thought they did pretty well, though some of the tactics were a bit stupid such as soft head butts and soft knees, I’d rather see them land a bloody punch and get a bit of claret coming out of McCaw’s nose.

    Still, you got a draw, and the Wallabies got a draw. Awesome.

    • Nutta

      How’s that for a delayed answer! Watched a replay on Sunday just past. Agree with your comment on soft knees etc. No one remembers a Richard Loe or Bakkis Botha with endearment. I’ve always preferred a nice straight up punch myself and if you are going to throw it, then bloody well throw it…
      Maybe I should of picked a game where I won…

Wallabies

Underfed front-rower with no speed or ball skills. Started playing footy in the 70's and still going. Can't remember the last time I passed on a ball, beer or karaoke mike. Motto - "Meat and potatoes first. Then gravy. And you don't put gravy on the plate first Boy."

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