Romain Poite: Why I broke up with l'Australie
Humour

Romain Poite: Why I broke up with l’Australie

Romain Poite: Why I broke up with l’Australie

In a stunning aftermath to the second Bledisloe test, French referee and aspiring food and lifestyle blogger, Romain Poite, has revealed that he has officially “broken up with” Australia.

Speaking from a vineyard in Hawke’s Bay the morning after the acrimonious Wellington test, Poite went to great lengths to distance himself from perceived bias saying the Wallabies had brought it all on themselves.

“I cannot take anymore, I say Non!”, an animated Monsieur Poite told Off White Card between sips of Pinot Noir.

“When I am in Australia I ask M. Pulver, can I please have some fromage for the referee room at half-time and he say, ‘Ah, M.Poite, in Australia we have lovely fruit cheese, you can have that’. When I ask for Burgundy for after the match, Pulver will allow me only wine that comes in cardboard box – merde!

“I have had enough of this treatment. No more! Australie, how you say, I will not swipe right for you anymore!”

While not drawing direct comparisons between the culinary aspects of Australia and New Zealand, Poite was quick to praise his treatment while in New Zealand and deliver a stinging rebuke to Wallaby Captain Stephen Moore.

Speaking as his smoked trout soufflé had just arrived from the vineyard’s 5 star kitchen, Poite when into detail.

“I met with M. Shag during the week, it was wonderful. Have gave me many tips for good restaurants and wine and taxi vouchers too. What can I do, I must give him something in return, so I say to him, for this, there will be no yellow cards during the match.

“When I have met with M. Cheika in Brisbane I ask him, Monsieur, where do I go for good foods and wine? He looks a me funny and say, ‘Mate, fucked if I know; Caxton Street?’. I went to Caxton Street and they have this drink called ‘Bundy’, sacre bleu!

“Then last night during the game, Kieren Read says to me, “M.Poite, did you enjoy the Vension for dinner last night?’, what a kind man. Of course I must repay him, so I say, how about I give you the next scrum penalty?

“And Aaron Smith, he speaks to me, he says, ‘M.Poite, I have read your blog and it is very good’. Of course I must respond to such compliments so I say him, you are so kind, M. Smith, I will call no forward passes tonight.

“Then Stephen Moore comes to me; all he wants to talk is rugby, rugby, rugby! This is no good. I must concentrate very hard at this time as in my mind I am trying to finalise my next blog post. I say to him, ‘Go away’ and at the next ruck I penalise him to teach a lesson.”

When asked about the controversy surrounding the eye-gouging allegations against the All Black’s Owen Franks and how Poite could have missed the indiscretion, Poite was unapologetic.

“I asked the player, ‘No attack the head’, and he didn’t, he had is fingers and hands over the other player’s eyes. I ask you, how can I see this because as agreed with the very kind M. Shag, I also have my hand over my eyes whenever the wonderful All Blacks were defending a maul.”

The ARU declined to address the comments by Poite directly when contacted by Off White Card, however a spokesman did confirm that a feasibility study was being held as to whether future Wallaby tests could be held in gourmet districts such as Barossa Valley, Margaret River and the Mornington Peninsula.

  • jamie

    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

  • Dally M

    Classic.

    Am so over this inconsistency with refereeing, the citing and judiciary.

    It’s still bloody SANZAR and yet somehow a no arms late tackle is worse than a swinging arm to the head, a neck roll or attacking the head of a players. Pretty fucked up.

    • Owen McCaffrey

      It’s really funny – I mean wierd funny. It really seems as if referees the world over get these chain emails telling them what they need to crak down on this month.

      They did a crack-down on neck rolls during Super Rugby, in selected games, for about a month then it was hell for leather take the guys head off again.

      Crack down on mauls…then oh no I’ve lost my whistly thingy. Ooops got it back again. Oh three weeks later they told me to referee mauls again.

      Referees all seem to be doing this together I noticed. My theory is they don’t like to stick out as over-penalizing anything or they will get singled out and demoted so they carefully follow the latest “red light” campaign that comes from either World Rugby or SANZAAR every month based on some head referees monitoring of the game.

      The major problem with this is it provides no consistency and players have already worked this out so once the referees stop monitoring (e.g. neck rolls) the players just go right on back to doing it.

      • MM

        And of course the Kiwis are pre warned about what each impending crack down will be.

        • BennyJJ

          We aren’t pre-warned. We are the ones sending the emails to the refs

        • Bay35Pablo

          And Hansen gets a word with the assistant prior. “Can you get Romain to ignore Moore? Tell him to psis off? … Sweet bro.”

  • idiot savant

    Or pur. Vous êtes un homme drôle.

  • RobC

    11/10

    Too bad the only Kiwis in the story involved a coach, backrower and a scrummie. Would have been interesting to know what favours he got from a Kiwi hooker

    • Owen McCaffrey

      Hookers are well known to be the most intelltually and emotionally intelligent people in not only the All Blacks but in New Zealand society in general.

      I’m sure in days gone by Sean Fitzpatrick and Anton Oliver entertained many a referee with their charming company and sharp wit.

      • idiot savant

        For the avoidance of doubt, are you talking about the ones on street corners in the first paragraph?

      • Simon Coates

        Nothing funnier than a bloke bragging about his brains who can’t spell ‘intellectually’

  • Owen McCaffrey

    hahaha

    Has any referee even been accused of being biased against the ABs? In the last 15 years? Just asking. Were talking about patterns here and an ability to ‘massage’ the officials.

    • C Burns

      The last one who did was over ruled and the AB’s were given a personal apology by the then referees boss at the hotel.

      They were probably staying at the same place.

    • idiot savant

      I dont think Barnes gets Christmas cards from Hansen.

    • Tellaly

      This is what happens with winning sides. Australian Cricket has always got the rub, as did ManU. Try to start winning instead of whining and things might change.

  • Tim

    It was disappointing that he was talking to different players of the all blacks but not even our captain. Cheika has hard task but if you look at other codes such as cricket Steve smith got sent home to “recover” for the next test but he was playing shit so it was also a driving factor for rest. Moore looks tired and isn’t respected by the refs what do we have to loose if it goes to Pocock?

    • Dally M

      I actually think Moore was a lot better in his speaking to the referee than he has been in the past, but got the same treatment.

      Perhaps it is, as has been said, he’s usually involved in the scuffles and the niggle and that’s why the ref gets the shits early, but Poite made up his mind pretty damn early and as you say was happy to talk to multiple AIG’s who weren’t the captain. Hooper seemed to get the same treatment so not sure Pocock would fare any better in that regard. He’s def be a better leader though & Moore’s form has been terrible.

      • Tim

        Yeah i think during the june tests we pissed off every ref. Even fardy yelled at the ref. Hooper isn’t a great captain he also can be very rude to the ref. The refs meet for training and they would talk about players that piss them off. Most of them would have been Aussies from the june test. So even if an Aussie did something minor the ref would already have something in the back of their mind . I don’t mind the refs telling both captains to go away but it annoys me when he tells the captains to go away then walks across and talks to the all blacks

        • Dally M

          Yep, and when Phipps was at 9 he is constantly in the ref’s ear which is annoying to hear through the TV and we only hear about a third of it.

          Still as Cheika said both captains need to be afforded the same treatment that certainly didn’t happen on the weekend and this time there didn’t appear to be any reason for it.

        • ozrugbynut

          I don’t really care about pissing off a ref. just be better, infringe in the shadows and take them out of the equation.

    • Sideshow

      I’m not convinced any captain change will make a difference. The all blacks appear to be a protected brand in world rugby. That said, I’m all for pocock as captain

      • Tim

        All blacks do always get the run of the green there like Cameron Smith (nrl player) always in the ear of the ref manipulating them for his team . Pocock the refs actually listen and like him it would be worth a shot

        • ozrugbynut

          It’s not altogether that simple of course, but yes he’s the only world class player aside from Folau in the side so it would help. But let’s start playing players in their natural positions for starters. This pooper shite is old, and as good as hooper is on work rate, you wouldn’t have to work so hard in D if you could retain the ball for longer. Hoops and most of our pack gets blown off the ball far too easily. Far too easily.

        • Tim

          I would have hooper on the bench for timani

  • Brisneyland Local

    Tip of the hat!

  • Kiwi rugby lover

    Hahahahaha brilliant. Thank you for some much needed comedy

  • James ELLIOT

    maybe Israel Dagg had given him a tour of the vineyards around his hometown to be awarded that try… either that or Israel Folau had given him Bega cheese instead of something good.

  • Hoss

    If a Hunter Valley red hits the spot he can stay with me. Hell, if i found him in bed with the misses i would tuck him in and get him a glass of warm milk anything to have a chance at getting the old mug back in gold hands.

  • Allan

    Haha. Poor Australia cknow they can not beat the allblacks. So lets get physical and try to get under there skins and hit people late. But if we get the same treatment lets cry about it. Lets be bad sports and throw at tantrum and throw another players boot into the crowd. As they say shut rolls down hill. Starts from the coach make excuses and blame everyone else. Look at yourself and selections first you twat. No game plan and you need to blood new players rather then bringing back old players.

    • Dally M

      And the NZ crowd were still booing Quade Cooper 5 years later because they’ve moved on?

      • Tellaly

        Unfortunately QC committed a carninal sin against Saint Richie, no forgiveness and he will be booed until the day he retires because he is a dirty filthy dog.

    • ozrugbynut

      Hey Allan, mate we’ve not been a physical, niggly side for a long time so that is part of our turnaround. About time we actually tried to get under nz skins and sure we might lose but at least we pop a few gaskets over the Dutch in the process.

    • gladstonekinnoul

      And people say kiwis have no sense of humour! Where do they get that from?

      • Zack

        Oh dear, the IQ average has just taken a hit with gallstone stumbling in through the backdoor…

        • gladstonekinnoul

          The weirdo is back….

    • Vern

      What’s funny is the number of Kiwis that get on this site. I’ve never had reason to blat away on some NZ site but it seems the Kiwis just can’t help themselves. Are you ready NZ? You’ve got a pretty good team okay. Now back to your wide combs and ice cream the lot of ya!

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