Borf mate - cor blimey, innit 'arf awful

Alexei Sayle sings: “I keep tropical fish, in my underpants. Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor? Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor”.

Leave it out! Jonny Wilkinson ain’t got a new motor. He’s got a reconditioned motor temporarily minus an Ian Beale warranty.

It’s the sort of deal Arfur Daley would approve of, although Arfur would front up with a dodgy MOT after a few VAT’s down the Winch – “put it on the slate Dave”.

Wilko is an absolute, dead-set ancient Greek. Not only between the poles but working the geezers around the light and dark. And what he can’t do with an Albert Hall!

You won’t find too many barfroom taps at HQ this week. No, Tokyo it ain’t. Lots of toffs and working lads ready to show these lowly rated colonials a ‘fing or two.

The England squad to play the Wallabies has been named and Wilko’s been declared Brad Pitt. Some of the lad’s from the wider squad were shown the Roger Moore and have been sent back to their clubs.

I wonder whether Jonno tin tacked them by dog and bone, or in a Sir Clive moment, by Jimmy Nail?

Although a few geezers are missing in action the rest will turn up and put on a turn. Who’s missing? Well, I think you already know who’s Friar Tucked.

Sheridan did his Noddy Holder and is out for the count. Vickery’s biscuits and cheese are Kerry Packered. Lee Mears, the one time looker, is likewise.

Simon Shaw’s got dodgy plates of meat but he just returned to the light and dark, too late for this match tho’.

Sure it’s a Naomi Campbell, but England can’t afford to lose any more geezers. Dylan Hartley, a one time looker, is in this category but he’s Dad’s Army anyway!

Hartley’s on the bench as Stevie Thompson’s been given the old resurrection shuffle. Thommo ain’t ‘arf Postman Pat!

Great to see that Borth come right. He’s always in the wars, with a loaf that frequently gets in the way. His shell likes and pea shooter are something to behold.

But mate, what he might lack in skill he makes up in other ways; he’s got loads of strawberry tart.

The props are Tim Payne and David Wilson with Duncan Bell splinters. Who? Apart from Wasps’ Payne I don’t know that much about the Bath duo. I think there’s a few Derek Randall’s on Bell, who’s as old as the hills. Too many Britney’s down at the Ringo?

Louis Deacon from Leicester gets the spare locking guernsey, and a newbie in Courtney Lawes will be on the bench. He’s just a Rob Roy but I’m sure he can bowl from a good length.

They decided to go with Jordan Crane over James Haskell, who’s gone park bench, in the No 8 spot. Lions hero Croft and Moods are the other loose lads.  

In the backs, 6’7″ Matt Banahan will be on the wing terrorising anything green and gold. He’s one big chicken plucker!

Cueto is the other wing and Geraghty and Hipkiss the centre combo, or should I say a right old pair of geezers at 2nd five eighths and centre. In a mild surprise Ugo Monye was selected at fullback over Cueto.

England have had their ups and downs over the past 12 months but I reckon they’ll bounce back like a rubber Gregory.

The English supporters think the Wallabies are lemon squeezy and they’ll do it in a Glenn Hoddle. They could be Isle o’ Wight. I might put a monkey on it.

It’s a shame Le Fuse isn’t there to give them his angry Ricky Gervais? Although, they always thought he was an Inspector Taggart.

They could have done with Matt Stevens now but he did a Joost, got done for a line of Boutris Boutris Gali!

The forecast is for Boris the Bold, Cynthia Paine and it’s going to be Mork and Mindy, which means lots of Franz Klammer and mauls. Leave it to Jonny, gotta new motor…….

England XV: U Monye (Harlequins); M Cueto (Sale Sharks), D Hipkiss (Leicester), S Geraghty (Northampton), M Banahan (Bath); J Wilkinson (Toulon), D Care (Harlequins); T Payne (Wasps), S Thompson (Brive), D Wilson (Bath), L Deacon (Leicester), S Borthwick (Saracens, capt), T Croft (Leicester), L Moody (Leicester), J Crane (Leicester).

Replacements: D Hartley (Northampton), D Bell (Bath), C Lawes (Northampton), J Haskell (Stade Francais), P Hodgson (London Irish), A Goode (Brive), A Erinle (Biarritz).