The Tears of Phil Kearns - Green and Gold Rugby

The Tears of Phil Kearns

The Tears of Phil Kearns

–National Geographic–

It is basic science that The Tears of Phil Kearns are some of the most treasured minerals known to man.

Just one single solitary tear, rubbed lovingly upon the fontanelle of a newborn infant, has been scientifically proven to:

  • ward off evil spirits forever.
  • ensure a healthy appetite.
  • bestow a lifelong disposition of just benevolence.
  • guarantee a lifetime of stiffies. even for girls.

Once shed, Phil Kearns tears are quickly pooled along with the tears of every other sook bastard on the fuckin’ planet.. 99.8% of whom now reside on the internet.


However, due to their priceless nature, Kearns tears, the tears containing the magic essence that presents itself only when an injustice befalls Kearns beloved NSW Waratahs, are distilled by divine intervention and run their own course, bound as if by fate, destined to coalesce at their legendary eternal well, The Kearns Boil.


“And thus shall we cleave a trench through the land of Wollongong, a trench that shall run rich with Phil Kearns tears, and in due course, well eternally upon the holy site of the Kearns Boil” said the Bible.

These purest of tears, they wend their way through the hills of Wollongong, a languid flow with an ease of passage befitting their very nature as holy vessels that are capable of cleansing and nourishing the followers of a rugby football team no matter how shitty the team, yes, even the squalid and moribund and clueless fuckhead Auckland Blues of Auckland, New Zealand.

The Kearns Boil.


“And here, here upon the lanced boil of shattered NSW Waratah dreams, shall the most treasured tears of Phil Kearns congeal as one solitary tear” (Chapter 2, Verse 8, Book of Phil)

Yes, pagans, heathens, freaks and followers of shitty rugby teams – or any team other than the NSW Waratahs really – bathe ye filthed self within the tears, cleanse yourself freak, cleanse!

*Please form an orderly queue behind Western Force fans.
*No pissing in the pool (mainly Western Force fans).

  • Patrick

    Long may they run!

  • USARugger

    This was the first thing I read today and I don’t know how to feel

  • Bamboo

    I don’t know why he still sits in the commentators box. His effect is enough for people to stop watching the game. Id love to know how many kiwis watch the 7:30pm game, but not the Aussie game that follows. I had a childhood of it, and simply have got better things to do than listen to 3 fanboys circle jerk in the commentary box. I’ve been in pubs in London where the TV has been put on mute simply to keep people happy.

    Whoever makes the call on this needs to understand he is a salesman for Australian Rugby. If Australian rugby was a gift then the wrapping paper is sh*t. Which ones do people typically open first?

    • SuckerForRed

      You have heard the kiwi commentators haven’t you?
      Let he who is without sin cast the first stone……

      • brokendown

        at least Mexted has gone

        • Nutta

          I dunno about that. I sought of luved Muz’es comments. He reminded me of a sort of solo version of the old guys from the Muppets

        • Bay35Pablo

          Statler & Waldorf

    • Wiremu

      You are being kind to call Clarke and Kearns commentators. Out of all codes and all countries they are worse than worst. I ran a building company and sometimes sat with up to twenty tradesmen (All rugby mad supporters) for smoko, and the bets would not be about who would win in the Aussie games but how many times these two would mention the Warratahs. The record was seventeen times before half time and the Warratahs weren’t even playing. I will turn the mute off when these two are given the boot. Surely rugby can find better.

  • Nutta


  • tortfeaser

    Champagne comedy.

  • Kiwi rugby lover

    Brilliant. Not sure if they’re strong enough to sort out the Auckland Blues though

  • Bay35Pablo

    Almost as treasured as those of Marto.

    I watched Rugby 360 for the first time the other night and thought it would actually be decent if they just muzzled Marto and stuck him behind some scenery. He really adds nothing and usually detracts.


Having been banned from NZ rugby forums, Dismal Pillock found a home for his disturbing and hilarious warped stream of consciousness in the G&GR forum. We try to publish some of the least offensive nuggets of gold here.

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