A Drunken Letter to the Wallabies

A Drunken Letter to the Wallabies

Hi Wallabies,

Yeah, I’m drunk. Why? I’m trying to forget. Again. I’m trying to forget another piss weak effort in the face of pretty poor opposition. Ireland? Really? Come on guys, they could hardly beat the USA. And yet you lost to them. Comfortably.


It’s times like these I wish I was one of those people who don’t care about sport. You know the type- they carry on life blissfully ignorant of any sporting activity, and they are predominately HAPPY. Why? Because they don’t have to put up with piss-weak shit like you served up tonight. I mean seriously, you raised my hopes by winning the Tri-Nations, and then you come out and lose to fucking IRELAND.


You don’t deserve to win the World Cup after that. I know you were without Pocock, Moore and Ioane, and Bryce Lawrence was a bit of a shit but you still should have been good enough. You want to beat the All Blacks or South Africa, but you can’t even beat Ireland? Get real guys, you clearly don’t have what it takes.


Now let me get personal for a second. Too may guys just didn’t show up. Rocky, where were you? Sekope? McCalman? Ant? Pat? Not good enough guys. Not happy. I have invested years in this side, and you just didn’t show up when it mattered. And that hurts me, it really does. And it hurts so many people out there, to see you meekly lose to the fucking IRISH. Come on. Please. You talk the talk, you have to fucking walk the walk. All that stuff after the 3N about being able to beat anyone in the world, all that confidence you had in the backline and in the forward pack, you need to back it up guys. But you couldn’t. You just came up short. Again.


And yet agian I am in the same position, drinking to forget. Trying to forget another insipid forward effort, or too many popped passes in the backline when it just wasn’t on. I mean seriously, we lost the ball three times when we got held up in a maul. Come on guys, what is this, under 10s? I haven’t seen that shit for years. And yet you dished it up to us in the World Cup. The fucking World Cup, the one tournament I look forward to every four years. Shit, I booked tickets to see your QF. Now what am I supposed to do? Cheer for the fucking Welsh? Are you serious?


Now for you Robbie. You didn’t think you would get off unscathed did you? For once we thought that we had overcome that great Wallaby scourge- inconsistency. We would play like world-beaters one week, only to fall the next week to the fucking IRISH. But it appears that we haven’t. Why didn’t we take a second openside to NZ? Your theories about playing a bulky 7 just plain failed. McCalman sucked, and we needed Beau or Hodgson. We took 0 turnovers from memory. 0. You were outcoached, plain and simple. It makes me wonder why the ARU signed you on for three more seasons.


This article gives me no satisfaction. Absolutely none. I love the Wallabies, and yet they let me down so consistently I wonder why I bother. Again I wish I was one of those people who just didn’t care, whose Saturdays were filled with rugby-free fun and activity and who could wake up on a Sunday morning and greet the world with a smile regardless of what happened on some distant field the night before. But I’m not. I’m just not. I need the Wallabies to win for my personal satisfaction. I don’t know why, I suppose it was just the way I was brought up. But still I need it.


And that makes it hurts so much more when you don’t deliver. Honestly, I don’t mid if you lose to the All Blacks at Eden Park. I mean Christ, they are a fucking good side. But the Irish? No. I won’t accept that. I just won’t. Man for man we are just plain better than them. And we should have won. And I don’t care how well they played on the night. We should have played better.


So in conclusion I am out. Out. I will cheer for you as you put the USA and Russia to the sword, but you have largely lost any faith I have in you. Clearly when the going gets tough, most of you run the other way. And it fucking hurts me to say this. And I would love it if you proved me wrong and won the cup, but let’s face it- it’s not going to happen, is it? If you can’t beat the Irish, you ain’t going to beat the Boks or the ABs.


And I apologise for any typos or bad grammar in this post. As the title suggests, I am pretty drunk. In my defence, it is my only response mechanism to years of insipid Wallaby failures.


Yours Sincerely,




Can't write, can't play.

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