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HELP NEEDED with daily news


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Local Woman's Thigh Gap Issues
--USA Today--
A local woman has idiotically glued her towels to her thighs in the hope of achieving a more alluring thigh gap. "That is how thigh gaps work, isn't it?" said the slightly dopey woman.
"Oh yeah, I've got a thigh gap now" confirmed the local woman. "But I have to walk around like a waddling constipated idiot due to these fucken towels being glued to my thighs. But, on the bright side I do now have a thigh gap. Unfortunately, the fucken thing is about half-a-fucken foot wide. I don't know how wide thigh gaps are meant to be? I have a really fucken wide one."
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"I now have to sleep in this idiotic position like a complete fucken lunatic."
--local woman with big fucken thigh gap.
"I popped in to my local plastic surgeon to enquire about 'corrective thigh gap surgery'" continued the woman "but when the doctor saw that I just wanted him to remove these towels that I'd glued to my thighs he immediately started laughing his arse off and he actually died of a heart attack right there on the spot. So if anyone could possibly recommend a serious-minded plastic surgeon that'd be great."
 
WHO Director Grilled Over Unhealthy Physical Appearance.

--Times--
At a press conference today, the Director of the WHO has been forced to go on the defensive over his deeply unhealthy physical appearance.
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"What's the story with your fucken teeth mate? They look like the teeth of a 5-year old sprog who smokes 2 packs a fucken day and grew up in Chernobyl."
"Please, let's not make this about my physical appearance. We are today facing a global pa
"Your eyes, mate. Looking a bit rheumy there. Have you got rubella? Or are you just a massive fucken pisshead? Grog is unhealthy. Bad for the liver buddy."
"You're a 2-packs-a-day man aren't you? You gotta cut down on the fucken smokes mate, those things will fucken kill you. Not bloody healthy."
"Are you the healthiest bastard they could find to wheel out to front the fucken World Health Organisation? Bugger me, may as well send out Ozzy Osbourne as spokesman for the fucken pope."
"Those bags under your eyes, mate. How much sleep do you get, about 8 or 9 minutes a night?"
"Mate, have you ever been outside? Like, out into direct sunlight? You look anaemic as shit with possible iron and vitamin D deficiencies."
"You're a bit overweight, buddy. Maybe lay off the pies and ramen and fucken sausies. That shit is all fairly fucken unhealthy, Mr Director of the World Health Organisation."
"Fine then, fuckya, I quit, fuckyuz all. I'm off back to the fucken pub for a pint, a puff, and a pie or three. Fucken wankers."
 
Local Man Misunderstands Meaning of "Bibliophile".

--RST--

A local man has today taken grave offense at being labelled a "bibliophile".

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"You fucking cnut. Are you insinuating that I
root underage bibles? You fucken dickhead."

"I am gravely offended at your accusation" continued the local man, Mr Bruce Saint. "All of the bibles I root are well above the age of consent. Unbelievable. You can't just glance at some cnuts massive collection of grot mags and call them a "bibliophile"? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucken rude bastard. Last grot mag I'm fucken lending you."
 
Local Envoy Completely Misunderstands Meaning of "AIDS Activist".

--Japan Times--

The local envoy for the Tokyo Consulate, Dr Bruce Saint of Wollongong, Australia has today completely misunderstood the meaning of the term "AIDS Activist".

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"Why you wanna activate all that fucken
AIDS bullshit again? You'd be a stupid cnut."
--Dr Bruce Saint.

"That AIDS shit was fucken dangerous back in the day you dickhead" continued Dr Saint. "We got enough fucken problems right now with all this Corona virus bullshit and here you fucken go, trying to activate fucken AIDS again. The fuck is wrong with you ya fucken drongo? Last thing we need, fucken AIDS activated in the community again. You're like a fucken terrorist mate. A fucken eco-bio terrorist or some shit. You got some fucken AIDS in some little vials you want to biff around the airport or something? Why you so butthurt your precious AIDS is suddenly not in the spotlight? Fucken dickhead. Fuck off with your pro-AIDS campaign bullshit."
 
Trump To Save American Economy With “New Source of Protein”
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President Trump has announced today that he “has personally discovered a new source of protein.”
“What am I even paying these science guys for?” proclaimed the Commander-in-Chief. “I was looking at a picture of the Corona virus and this little thing has at least 3 different types of protein. S protein, M protein and something else. And protein is healthy right? Those weightlifting guys eat it and they’re healthy. So, to get America healthy again we’ll just eat the virus. Because it’s made of protein. Kill the virus by eating it and getting healthy at the same time! What a great idea! Killing two birds with one stone. What have my science guys been doing this whole time? We could even make the virus into protein bars for the weightlifting guys. So anyway, today I passed an Executive Order that all food banks nationwide must now be stocked with Corona virus samples. For eating. After all, it is high in protein. According to my picture of the virus this little ball guy has at least 3 different proteins in there. That’s a balanced meal.
“Maybe if you’re dining out in a restaurant they could serve the little protein guys on a nice little dish, like a petris dish or something, I don’t know. It’s a huge opportunity for restaurants too, to help them get back on their feet financially. A healthy protein-packed addition to the menu. The virus is quite a cute colour too from the pictures I’ve seen, it will look quite artistic on the plate or petris dish. I don’t know how it tastes but you could put some ketchup on it or something. You could make some real money from this thing. I’ve heard that loads of Americans have the virus, maybe they could donate a portion of the virus from inside their body to restaurants? For the cause. Maybe restaurants could take down all that plastic partitioning and instead have a special coughing virus protein donation area?
“And best of all, this new food source, loaded with protein, would even be free to start with. Sure, we’d sell off the licensing and patents down the road but to start with it would be free. Imagine that, free food! It will definitely save the American economy. We could export it to the rest of the world later too. Huge export potential. Huge. A real game changer. This will make America great again.”
 
Through the gearstick means something else in my game...

Starting to think you could say this about everything in the world in your game

"Deadly snake means something else in my game.....
"Snakeskin belt means something else in my game.....
"123 in a 100 zone means something else in my game.....
"Tradie Jimmy means something else in my game.....
"Waiopehu Oldboy means something else in my game.....
 

cyclopath

Stirling Mortlock (74)
Staff member
Starting to think you could say this about everything in the world in your game

"Deadly snake means something else in my game...
"Snakeskin belt means something else in my game...
"123 in a 100 zone means something else in my game...
"Tradie Jimmy means something else in my game...
"Waiopehu Oldboy means something else in my game...
Oh, you know it's true!
 
Nikon Japan "Coming Close" To First-Ever First Lady Upskirt Panty Shot

--Japan Times--

Japanese Nikon technicians are currently working long into the night to "reverse engineer" reflections from a shovel wielded by Melania Trump in the hopes of yielding a groundbreaking first-ever First Lady upskirt panty shot.

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"We are so close" said lead technician Dr H.Entai. "There are however certain angles that are proving uncooperative due to the unbending laws of physics related to space and time. We have already tried numerous relays to our space station in the hopes of refracting the light of time itself but so far no luck. The boys are ploughing on though and are all quietly rock-hard at the prospect of some sweet, sweet First Lady grud shots. Even just some upper thigh shots would see the dark room go off like the NASA control room in 1969.

An artists simulation of the Nikon Camera Division once the lads obtain the elusive first-ever First Lady panty shot:

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cyclopath

Stirling Mortlock (74)
Staff member
Nikon Japan "Coming Close" To First-Ever First Lady Upskirt Panty Shot

--Japan Times--

Japanese Nikon technicians are currently working long into the night to "reverse engineer" reflections from a shovel wielded by Melania Trump in the hopes of yielding a groundbreaking first-ever First Lady upskirt panty shot.

9IGidPA.png


"We are so close" said lead technician Dr H.Entai. "There are however certain angles that are proving uncooperative due to the unbending laws of physics related to space and time. We have already tried numerous relays to our space station in the hopes of refracting the light of time itself but so far no luck. The boys are ploughing on though and are all quietly rock-hard at the prospect of some sweet, sweet First Lady grud shots. Even just some upper thigh shots would see the dark room go off like the NASA control room in 1969.

An artists simulation of the Nikon Camera Division once the lads obtain the elusive first-ever First Lady panty shot:

Apollo-11-mission-control-0790dc6.jpg
"One small chubby for man, one giant wang for mankind."
 
All Blacks Bid Farewell To Dear Friend

--NZ Herald--

A ceremony to scatter the ashes of All Black prop Ofa Tuingafasi's mullet under the goalposts of Eden Park will be held prior to this weekends All Black rugby test match against Australia.

"This is a solemn moment for everyone involved" said All Blacks interim bus driver Fat Guts Fozzie. "Ofa's Reverse Starburst Mangere Mullet has almost become part of our family. We will all miss it dearly. But, frankly, it had become so stupid looking that it just had to go. We're not the Bar-Kays going through their late 80's peroxide addiction and berko mullet phase you know."


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Ofa bows his head as he bids solemn
farewell to his beloved and berko
Reverse Starburst Mangere Mullet.


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Hi-definition ultra-white imagery
cameras capture the actual moment
the bonkers Reverse Starburst Mangere
Mullet visibly leaves Ofa's head.
 
Justice Aunt Lydia sworn in as US Supreme Court Justice.

--USA Today--
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"Who fucken farted? WHO?
--Justice Aunt Lydia.

Justice Aunt Lydia has today been sworn in as a US Supreme Court Justice at the White House.

Her acceptance speech read as follows;

"I solemnly swear to show all bitches, hos and skanks the way to vag salvation. The vag is blessed and the cock is holy. This is enshrined in our Gilead constitution. Therefore, let my first act as Supreme Court Justice be to welcome a rando gaggle of preggers handmaids to the White House as I, and I alone, bless their rapespawn loinfruit as we forge ahead to the holiest of holy days, yes, vagsplosion spout day. Blessed be the Gash, Holy be the Fuck. Thank you, my children, thank you."

Upon her confirmation, Justice Aunt Lydia immediately repaired to the White House catacombs to begin checking the pregger bumps of the motley gaggle of sluts, hos, charlatans, skanks and women of questionable matrimonial feasance.

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"What the fuck bish. You're not even pregnant you stupid slag. You're just constipated. Are you sure you weren't just boofed up the shitter?"
 
Local Woman Attempts To Hypnotise G7 World Leaders

--Times--

A deranged local woman has today reportedly attempted to use
black magic to hypnotise G7 world leaders into liking her father.

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"Donnie is number onnnnnnnnnneeeeeeee..."

The woman had diplomatic credentials to gain access to the meeting but was pointedly ignored by everyone in attendance.

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"She's still standing right next to me isn't she..."

Eventually the woman left of her own accord and was last sighted talking to people at a bus stop outside the G7 convention centre. These people also appeared to be completely ignoring her.

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"I see..... I see a bus in my future"
 
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