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waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
^ just another of those "I'm cute, pick me up" critters that piss & shite all over you when you pick the little cnuts up, then run off & have a good laff about it with all the other little cnuts after you've dropped them in disgust at having been pissed & shat all over.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
NZ Arts Community Full of Praise For Spark Rugby World Cup Coverage

--NZ Herald--

The New Zealand arts community have spoken out in unanimous praise of fledgling sports broadcaster Spark's Rugby World Cup coverage.

"I feel the vivacious random colourisation added a certain vibrancy to what can only otherwise be described as a painfully dull experience" confided one artist.

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The Spark TV rugby streaming experience.

"The colours, oh the colours, just fabulous, I muted the sound and put a Grateful Dead record on" said another artist. "It was like being at Woodstock."

"The pastel slabs of distortion had a delectably vibrant feel about them, a neon Monet, a Picasso at dawn" said another artist. "If this is the new direction of rugby then perhaps there is hope for the country after all."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Anton’s Restaurant Capitalises On Climate Crisis
–AP Press–

World-renowned restaurant “Anton’s” have announced they are going to pounce on the climate change catastrophe as a “business opportunity” and proceed to procure animals from the rapidly-thawing arctic circle for their kitchen as these endangered animals no longer have a surplus of snow and ice in which to hide.
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“We’ll find you, you fat freezing little fucking shitheads.”
–Anton.
The Michelin 5-star eatery has long been at the forefont of cutting-edge cuisine with an international menu boasting exotic delicacies such as Flambed Vietnamese Goat Cock Kebab and Exploded Welsh Porcupine Nutsack Soup.
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“Are you fucken laughing at me you little albino shit? Or is that a frozen cry for help? Either way, #seal_stew.”
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“You can’t just sit out there forever you fat useless blimp. So just swim the fuck over here and get in the fucking pot.”
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“I don’t even know what the hell you are, fuzzy little wanker, who cares, in the fucken pot you go.”
 

cyclopath

George Smith (75)
Staff member
Local Terrorist Thinks About Pissing Into The Ganges River.

–Bhopal Times–

A local Islamic terrorist is said to be contemplating taking a piss into the Ganges River. The river is holy to Hindus, a people who are in turn the sworn enemies of Islamic followers.

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The terrorist, seen here in deep contemplation as to whether or not to piss into the filthy, filthy crocodiled Ganges River which is located just in front of him.

“I have lost my edge” said the terrorist. “Lost confidence in my abilities as a terrorist. Cousin Abdul says small steps are required to get back onto the bike, as it were. I have still not ever killed an infidel, not even once. I once stared at one with a very, very stern expression on my face but that’s as far as I’ve got. And yet I hate them so much. I see images in my dreams of the first infidel I will kill and when I awaken I draw pictures of this despicable individual.”

One of the crude drawings by the terrorist depicting the likeness of his first infidel kill:
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“Taking a piss into this river would surely unleash the currently dormant terrorist DNA that lies within me and before you know it I would be suicide bombing kindergartens and gleefully piloting runaway Jumbo Jets into orphanages and all that ace stuff that Cousin Abdul does on the weekends.”

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The terrorist at night, still thinking about pissing into the Ganges River but not quite having made his mind up one way or the other just yet.


Meanwhile, one of his kidneys has exploded while he thinks about it. Shame, as his other one is to be harvested for the glorious cause. He'll see his 72 virgins as he dies thinking what could have been.........
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Thanx 4 quoting my post cyclo. It looks better in yellow, like archival holy parchment scriptures or some shit. I ain't saying I am The Word of God or anything jumped up like that though. Just a regular divine deity.

Unpopular Opinion: Bossanova was the best Pixies album.
 

Teh Other Dave

Alan Cameron (40)
I'm not very good with High Fidelity lists. Though I do call my exes. I feel like Bossanova has somehow aged even better than the others, despite its sound being closer to traditional surf music and 90s post-punk.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
oh dear, user @kiap up to no good again.....

Local Man Storms Out of Modelling Agency.

–Reuters—

A local man has stormed out of a male modelling agency in Paris, France. A spokesman for the agency reports the man was quite unhappy due to “artistic differences”.

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“Blue Steel? This is fucking Blue Steel.”

The local man had apparently flown all the way from Japan in the hopes of fulfilling his lifelong ambition of becoming a male model. In Japan he says he “drove taxi”. The man reportedly booked an appointment at the Paris agency by describing himself over the phone as “corrosively handsome”.

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“Eye is self-censorship. To prevent women worldwide meltdown from blue steel gash corrosion.
 
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Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg: “I Like To Watch.”
–USA Today–
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has today confessed that he enjoys watching all 2 billion of his “children” having a tug on the internet. “I watch through secretly installed backdoor data mining malware apps. I’m the only one who has the code key. Go fuck yourselves.”
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“I like to watch.”
–Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.
“Haha, come on though, I’m just kidding. I haven’t watched ALL of my children having a tug” chided the billionaire CEO. “Don’t be silly, there’s simply not enough hours in the day for that. In fact, I’d say I’ve barely seen even half of the 2 billion wankers extraditing the ol’ plaintiff. Badgering the witness. Call it what you will.”
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“Excuse me but I just popped over to say that I saw you on the internet having a tug. Just wanted to catch up with you and say congratulations on the MASSIVE wang. Big fan here.”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Resident Furious Over Sea View
–New Zealand Herald–
A local Auckland resident is said to be furious over their “stupid” sea view. “The trees are too short to block off that revolting view of the waterway. All that wet, drippy water. It makes me seasick just to look at it. And God only knows how deep all that wet rubbish is, or what dangers are lurking beneath the surface. Even just seeing the undulating tide makes me feel discombobulated and queasy with fear and horror. And what if a tidal wave rumbles in and there are no trees to shield my eyes from the unfolding horror happening right before my very eyes? The trauma on my psyche, to witness firsthand such a epochal, destructive episode would be catastrophic. It would take me years and years and years of psychiatric therapy to recover my sane mental equilibrium.”
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The potentially-traumatising view in question.
“I have lodged many, many compaints with my local council” continued the irate resident. “I have pleaded with them to please, please, please plant some bigger trees to block the view, for the sake of my mental wellbeing. Or even erect some sort of enormous concrete wall right in front of my house, completely blocking the ocean view. That would be fabulous and it would seem to be the humane thing to do. But no. My desperate pleas have been met with a wall of stony silence from the selfish, vicious, scenery nazis that staff the local council. And Good God, while I’m here, don’t even get me started on my garden. It’s like Day Of The Bloody Triffids out there.”
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The tropical nightmare garden in question.
“The little wall down there serves a valiant purpose, stopping the wild undergrowth from encroaching upon the poor defenseless grass lawn, but it’s a never-ending bloody battle. It’s like Borneo getting bum raped up the arse by Burma out there. My numerous requests to the local council for permission to burn this wild undergrowth with a combination of liquid petrol and fire have all been ignored. Good grief, how can I live like this.
“And my actual room? Oh God. The sun streaming in at all hours of the day sends me half sunblind. And when I can finally pry my eyes open wide enough to see outside, hello, the whole place is sprouting all those stupid little jungle Bonito banana plants or whatever they hell are. And don’t get me started on that enormous banana tree or whatever it is over there in the foreground of this shot. For God’s sake, if I want to eat a banana I will make my way to the supermarket down the road and purchase a banana through the established vendor channels located within said establishment, thank you very much.”
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In the background, the glass-based panels in question that could potentially cause sunstroke or, possibly, sunblind-derived eye paralysis.
In the foreground, some sort of terrifying wild jungle banana black market enterprise.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Wollongong Man Sought For Questioning Over Permitless Gravedigger.
–Wollongong Gazette–
Local man Mr Trevor Gunston is being sought for questioning over his operation of a homemade gravedigging machine. The apparatus is assembled entirely from parts believed to have been stolen from Wollongong’s seven Home Centre branches over the course of the last 10 months.
The machine (pictured below) weighs 400 million tonnes and can dig graves at the rate of 280,000 an hour.
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“At that rate I can bury every c**t in this shithole town in under ten fucken minutes…”
–Mr Gunston, overheard mumbling as he wandered around the enormous apparatii in search of the machine’s cockpit.
While attempting to cross State Highway 12 (above), Mr Gunston was overheard shouting down to irate motorists from his tiny cockpit “alright, alright, stop honking, you ugly wankers, I can’t find 2nd fucken gear on this thing. What? Eh? Virus? What fucken virus?”
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When ordered down from the vehicle by local law enforcement agencies, Mr Gunston responded “Come down? Get fucked. It took me three fucken hours to find this fucken cockpit. Three fucken hours! Walked all over this fat fucken c**t looking for this stupid little drivers cab, I did. Come down? Fuck off you litt…” whereupon a hail of empty Victoria Bitter 4.5 litre containers rained down upon the officers.
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Similar to the chimes played by an ice cream truck as it makes it’s rounds, Mr Gunston broadcasts a tape over a loudspeaker while piloting his enormous machine. The lyrics are as follows:
“Bring out your dead.
“Bring out your dead.
“Bring out your dead.
“YOU C**TS!”
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Civil Defense authorities were aghast to learn that Mr Gunston’s only means of navigating his giant craft was to ask his pet budgerigar, Morris, who was seated next to him in the cockpit, which way to go. “Where to now, me little chipper?” Gunston was overheard to remark on more than one occasion. “I’ll tell ya Morry, we’re off to dig some graves me old mate, bury some of these c**ts good and fucken proper. Although fucked if I know what that bloke was yelling at me about a fucken virus or some shit…”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Guy Who Ate Bat Complains To Doctor of “Indigestion”.

–Wuhan Times-

A local man has presented at a Wuhan ICU in China asking for “something for his indigestion” after he ate some bat wanger soup “last December”.

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“Yeah Doc, feeling a bit gassy.”
–the guy who ate the bat.

“Hey Doc, felt a bit burpy from that bat dick soup I ate in December, what you got for me?”
“It was you?? That was in December? It’s April now, why did you wait 4 months then come to a hospital?”
“There is a HELL of a queue to get into the goddamn hospitals. There’s pricks dropping dead in the fucken hallways all over the place. What the fuck is going on around here anyway? Ahh, stuff it, not my concern. If you could just prescribe some antacids in case my next bat soup dinner leaves me feeling a bit gassy then I’ll be on my way thanks c**t.”
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Woman's Thigh Gap Issues
--USA Today--
A local woman has idiotically glued her towels to her thighs in the hope of achieving a more alluring thigh gap. "That is how thigh gaps work, isn't it?" said the slightly dopey woman.
"Oh yeah, I've got a thigh gap now" confirmed the local woman. "But I have to walk around like a waddling constipated idiot due to these fucken towels being glued to my thighs. But, on the bright side I do now have a thigh gap. Unfortunately, the fucken thing is about half-a-fucken foot wide. I don't know how wide thigh gaps are meant to be? I have a really fucken wide one."
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"I now have to sleep in this idiotic position like a complete fucken lunatic."
--local woman with big fucken thigh gap.
"I popped in to my local plastic surgeon to enquire about 'corrective thigh gap surgery'" continued the woman "but when the doctor saw that I just wanted him to remove these towels that I'd glued to my thighs he immediately started laughing his arse off and he actually died of a heart attack right there on the spot. So if anyone could possibly recommend a serious-minded plastic surgeon that'd be great."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Man Misunderstands Meaning of "Bibliophile".

--RST--

A local man has today taken grave offense at being labelled a "bibliophile".

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"You fucking cnut. Are you insinuating that I
root underage bibles? You fucken dickhead."

"I am gravely offended at your accusation" continued the local man, Mr Bruce Saint. "All of the bibles I root are well above the age of consent. Unbelievable. You can't just glance at some cnuts massive collection of grot mags and call them a "bibliophile"? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucken rude bastard. Last grot mag I'm fucken lending you."
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Local Envoy Completely Misunderstands Meaning of "AIDS Activist".

--Japan Times--

The local envoy for the Tokyo Consulate, Dr Bruce Saint of Wollongong, Australia has today completely misunderstood the meaning of the term "AIDS Activist".

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"Why you wanna activate all that fucken
AIDS bullshit again? You'd be a stupid cnut."
--Dr Bruce Saint.

"That AIDS shit was fucken dangerous back in the day you dickhead" continued Dr Saint. "We got enough fucken problems right now with all this Corona virus bullshit and here you fucken go, trying to activate fucken AIDS again. The fuck is wrong with you ya fucken drongo? Last thing we need, fucken AIDS activated in the community again. You're like a fucken terrorist mate. A fucken eco-bio terrorist or some shit. You got some fucken AIDS in some little vials you want to biff around the airport or something? Why you so butthurt your precious AIDS is suddenly not in the spotlight? Fucken dickhead. Fuck off with your pro-AIDS campaign bullshit."
 
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