Jokes!

[PaarlBok]

Boere Computer Dictionary from South Africa
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife (classic!)
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mouse Pad - Where the mouse takes the grain it does not eat
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed (or under the verandah)
Cursor - The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub what brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub what brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour what keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish maneuvers out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

 

[PaarlBok]

Alistair Coetzee, Heyneke Meyer, Pieter DeVilliers and Chester Williams apply for the springbok coaching position... :nta: :lmao:

 

[PaarlBok]

Irish Diet


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.

 

[Aussie D]

This is actually a serious news article on ninemsn (which is why I thought it was a joke): http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=377452

Aliens could misinterpret earth's classic songs as declarations of war if they are recklessly broadcast into space, some scientists say.

Last week NASA broadcast a Beatles song, Across the Universe, towards the North Star, in the hope it would be noticed by extra-terrestrial beings.

But scientists have urged NASA to be more cautious, saying aliens could misinterpret the song, and even take it as a battle cry.

"Before sending out even symbolic messages, we need an open discussion about the potential risks," New Scientist magazine reported Dr Douglas Vakoch of the SETI Institute as saying.

Professor Barrie Jones of Open University said: "the chances are slight, but the consequences would be huge ? the end of life on Earth".

"If they have the technology to cross interstellar space to reach us, they will be so much in advance of us humans that there is nothing we could do to resist them," he said.

SETI ? the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence ? has been listening to the skies for the last 20 years.

The program uses radio telescopes to scan for any messages or noises that may indicate the existence of life on other planets.

Scientist Ainin De Horta, from the SETI Australia Centre, said the there could be dangers in broadcasting songs into deep space.

But he didn't think it would lead to an intergalactic war.

"I think the chances are pretty unlikely that it'll lead to an alien invasion, but I do think there is a point that this should be discussed by the whole world, because who knows what'll happen," Mr De Horta said.

"I think it's highly unlikely that this message will cause a reaction, and that it'll cause a reaction in our lifetime."

Radio waves travel through space at the speed of light or nearly 300,000km per second.

The first radio transmission, sent in the 1920s, would have travelled nearly 90 light years by now.

"It's not like picking up the phone and ringing me for instance," Mr De Horta said.

"We're talking about vast distances and a response would take years from even the closet star."

SETI has had a few close calls, or what they call "candidates", but Mr De Horta says any authentic messages would have been identified.

"We get what we call candidates every so often, but none of them turn out to be something that can't be explained, like a statistical anomaly or equipment glitch."

The nearest star to Earth, Alpha Proxima, is four light years away.

and these people are supposedly the 'brightest' of the planet. SO the 'fittest' Darwin was spouting on about may actually be the 'dumbest' as well....

 

[Pfitzy]

I'm with them D - just broadcasting shit into space can get a bloke killed. Look at what happened to that helicopter with the flashing lights in Independence Day I just hope some of these nerdlingers are working on plasma weapon technology so when those little green bastards come, we're ready.


As for jokes - part the first:

A young man is in line at a train station in the USA, waiting to buy tickets to see his family in Pittsburgh. He gets to the front and the attractive girl serving has large breasts. He nervously stammers "T-two pickets to Tittsburgh please" and then realises his mistake and turns bright red. The attendant smiles and processes the order as if nothing was wrong.

An older man standing behind him in the line says "Don't worry about it son - these things happen all the time. Why, just this morning I meant to say to my wife 'please pass the sugar honey' but it came out as 'you fucking bitch, you've ruined my life'"


Part the second:

A teacher at a small country school asks the class one day "If there are ten birds on the fence and I shoot two of them with my gun, how many are left?"

Little Johnny sticks up his hand and says "None miss because the rest will fly away when they hear the gunshot!"

Teacher says "Well the answer is eight Johnny, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says "OK then miss, there are three women eating ice cream - one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and one is sucking the ice cream. Which one is married?"

Caught off-guard, teacher blushes and says "I don't know... the one sucking the ice cream I suppose..."

Little Johnny grins and says "No miss, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!"

 

[PaarlBok]

Van der Merwe in London

Van der Merwe goes to London to watch the Boks take on the Poms at Twickenham. Whilst in London , he walks around, gaping and staring at everything. So much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that they burst. He gets rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles. Van goes beserk: he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van. He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal." Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."

 

[PaarlBok]

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go shopping.

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO

Re: Complaints

15 Things Mr. Wayne Murray has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the fetal position and screams 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!

And; last, but not least!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'

 

[PaarlBok]

Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

"The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.?

 

[PaarlBok]

A man shoots a buck and takes it home to cook for dinner. But as you might know venison is rather tough straight off the veld, so the mother makes lekker dik patties out of it. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their rolls, so they begged their dad for the clue.

'Well' he said, 'It's what England most fear at the moment'.

The little girl screams, 'Don't eat it..... Its Schalk Burger!

 

[PaarlBok]

One for Thomo
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked,'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching'



MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men!

 

[Red Bull]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%........It's called a Wedding Cake.

 

[Virgil]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%........It's called a Wedding Cake.

:lmao:

Been known to have the same effect on some men too

edit: i mean come on, you can only eat the same cereal day after day and not feel like toast instead.

 

[Red Bull]

How do you piss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

 

[PaarlBok]

RB that sound like a fisherman's joke. :nta:

 

[PaarlBok]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

 

[Red Bull]

RB that sound like a fisherman's joke. :nta:

Was I in the wrong thread?

 

[Aussie D]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START.'

 

[PaarlBok]

Hospital jokes!

Selfish Prick?

A nurse is busy giving a comatose woman a blanket bath when she notices that there?s a slight response on the monitor whenever she touches the patient?s private area. She tries it again and, sure enough, there is a small, but recognisable movement. She calls the patient?s husband and explains what has happened, saying, ?As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.? The husband is sceptical, but finally agrees and goes into his wife?s room. After a few minutes, the woman?s monitor flatlines for several seconds before returning to normal. The nurses rush into the room. ?What happened?? they cry.
The husband shrugs. ?I?m not sure?,? he says. ?I think she choked.?


?Medical Aid?

A wealthy hospital benefactor is being shown around. During her tour she passes a room where a male patient is masturbating furiously. ?Oh my goodness!? screams the woman. ?That?s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?? The doctor calmly explains, ?I?m very sorry, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn?t do that at least five times a day, he?ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.? ?Oh, well in that case, I guess it?s okay,? says the woman. As they pass the next room, they see a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performs oral sex on him. Again, the woman screams, ?Oh my goodness! How can that be justified?? The doctor calmly says, ?Same illness, better medical aid.?

 

[Pfitzy]

Aussie D - nice twist on a classic

Paaarl - nice classics

 

[PaarlBok]

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Metro Council for a decision.

Then ESKOM demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.

I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.

Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many affirmative action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Department of The Interior has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group.
COSATU say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

"The SA Government has beaten me to it."