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Jokes!

PaarlBok

Rod McCall (65)
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' while their 8-year
old son is in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars
Bar and tell him to report on all the activities going on in the street.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Bobby is riding his new bike'

'Looks like the Sandersons are moving'

'Jackie is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'Mr. & Mrs. Cooper are having sex'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!!

Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know that?'

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony eating a Mars Bar"
 

boyo

Mark Ella (57)
A fellow arrives up at the pearly gates and is going through his screening by St Peter. He could not help but ask St Peter why he had all those clocks on the wall behind him. St Peter said: “My son they are lie clocks. They register every time you tell a lie. Take this one for example, it never once moved. It is Saint Teresa’s clock. Here’s another interesting one. It is the clock of Abraham Lincoln. It moved twice which means that in his whole life he only told two lies.”
Our man was intrigued and asked: “St Peter, where is Tony Abbott’s clock?”
“Oh, Jesus has it in his office. Uses it as a ceiling fan.”
 

PaarlBok

Rod McCall (65)
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”
 

Wazza2013

Fred Wood (13)
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby".
You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".
Case closed.


Laughed so much I cried .:D Absolute gold.
 

Tex

John Thornett (49)
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.’
Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.
 

leakytap

Sydney Middleton (9)
An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
 

leakytap

Sydney Middleton (9)
Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 

Pfitzy

George Gregan (70)
Wrong on so many levels leaky :confused: trying not to laugh

Try this instead:

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

"Tell him about the day you told the local witch doctor to fuck off!"
 

RugbyReg

Rocky Elsom (76)
Staff member
This is one of me faves:

Two bee keepers were talking.

"How many bees do you have?" said the first bee keeper.

"I have ten thousand bees"

"How many hives do you have?" said the first bee keeper.

"I have ten hives" came the reply."How many bees do you have? responded the second keeper to the first

"I have twelve million bees"

"Thats a lot of bees!" said the second bee keeper. "How many hives do you have?"

"I have only one hive"

"Twelve million bees in just one hive!" exclaimed the second bee keeper.

"Stuff 'em. They're only bees."
 

Hugh Jarse

Rocky Elsom (76)
Staff member
Can't take credit for this one. From the Missoula All-Maggots Rugby Club Website:
http://www.maggots.org/


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF RUGBY
1. Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty in the seizing of your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this is in truth but a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point.

2. Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to the transgressions of the evildoers among thine enemies at the ruck and the maul, and whistleth them not.

3. Thou shalt not smite thine enemies with an clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly be blinded to the coward which delivereth the first punch, only to see that which avengeth it second. Believeth thou then that what goeth round it shall surely come to pass again, and verily, in the fullness of time, the evil among men shall surely be found at the bottom of the ruck.

4. Thou shalt not kiss thy teammate on the mouth, even when he hath scored; for such is an abomination unto the iRB, especially he that kisseth in tongues, unless it cometh to pass that thou shouldst play with the circular balls, for then it is truly expected of thee.

5. Thou shalt not take the Word of the Lord thy Coach in vain, for blessed is the Word of that Lord. Verily, thou shalt wonder at His mighty wisdom and sticketh thou then to His Game Plan lest He acquainteth thee with these of his disciples who labour in the lower grades.

6. Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be numbered amongst the props or if thou wear any jersey below that of the number 9; for this is an abomination unto the Word of the Lord thy Coach, and surely shalt thy soul and thy body be His at training, perhaps in everlasting pain.

7. Thou shalt not run across the field with the ball in hand, but see that thou runneth straight ahead upfield; for it is written in the Word of the Lord thy Coach that the touchline is the best defender.

8. Thou shalt not kick the ball to the hands of thine enemies unless first thou maketh it to bounce; for then the Spirit of the Bounce of the Ball shall bring confusion among them, and if thy heart be pure, shall command that it bounceth back unto you.

9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a brother thy team-mate about to be smashed by thine enemies, unless it be known to all men that he oweth you money, or hath porked someone dear to your heart, in which case all shall be forgiven and then, verily, thou mayest pass to him right slowly and on high.

10. Thou shalt not vomit upon the brethren of thy team after the game, nay even though thou hast partaken right fully of the waters of Guinness or of the entrails of pigs in a pie or of the beans which baketh right slowly in an earthen crock, for this shall be deemed unmanly in the eyes of thy brethren, and they mayest do it unto you.
 

Hugh Jarse

Rocky Elsom (76)
Staff member
More from the Maggots Rugby Club

Try their Rugby IQ Test:
http://www.maggots.org/IQtest.htm

or this parody of Jack Nicholson's character in "A Few Good Men"

A Props Testimony to a Back
Son, in this world there are scrums. And in those scrums you need props. Are you willing to do it? As a prop, I have more responsibility than you can ever fathom. You use words like "drunk" and "out of shape"; those words are the very backbone of a life I spent drinking and partying in, and you use them as a punchline. You weep for your wings and centres, and curse the prop forward. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of knowing that the front row, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins these games you play. Truth? You can`t handle the truth, because deep down in places you don`t talk about in your selection meetings, you want me in that scrum; you need me in that scrum. I neither have the time nor inclination to explain myself to a back who scores under the very blanket of ball retention that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just bought me a beer and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you crawl into that scrum and get dirty. Either way, I don`t give a damn who you think is responsible.
 

Lee Grant

John Eales (66)
Staff member
Can't take credit for this one. From the Missoula All-Maggots Rugby Club Website:
http://www.maggots.org/


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF RUGBY
1. Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty in the seizing of your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this is in truth but a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point.

2. Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to the transgressions of the evildoers among thine enemies at the ruck and the maul, and whistleth them not.

3. Thou shalt not smite thine enemies with an clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly be blinded to the coward which delivereth the first punch, only to see that which avengeth it second. Believeth thou then that what goeth round it shall surely come to pass again, and verily, in the fullness of time, the evil among men shall surely be found at the bottom of the ruck.


etc etc

9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a brother thy team-mate about to be smashed by thine enemies, unless it be known to all men that he oweth you money, or hath porked someone dear to your heart, in which case all shall be forgiven and then, verily, thou mayest pass to him right slowly and on high.

10. Thou shalt not vomit upon the brethren of thy team after the game, nay even though thou hast partaken right fully of the waters of Guinness or of the entrails of pigs in a pie or of the beans which baketh right slowly in an earthen crock, for this shall be deemed unmanly in the eyes of thy brethren, and they mayest do it unto you.


Believe it or not, this is my work.

I originally posted it on the old Scrum forum in late 1999 or 2000 and also in the Supersportzone rugby forum before they changed it so that only forum members from South Africa could post.

I changed the wording a bit for a couple of people who asked for permission to use the piece at rugby dinners in the UK. It is still in on my computer somewhere.

I have seen it on a few websites with different wording, including the Silverfern, and now I see it on ours, with other variations.

The changes are not bad but they have subtracted significantly from the cadence of the original which was that of a religious person preaching to the congregation.

Some of the wording in the above piece is different by a few words here and there; some changes are more substantial but the ten sentence topics are the same.


For example in the first one I remember that i wrote " .. it was a piss-poor translation .."

In the second I wrote ".. though shalt not blaspheme against The Whistler, for he is the giver of My Advantage .." and added ".. neither shall you call him Wanker; for it is written that those that are unloved by womankind, or mankind, must cast their seed unaided .."

And so on.

9. I had ".. unless he owes you money or has rodgered your belovéd"

10. The start and end of the of the sentence is the same but the middle is different.

Edit - On second look the rhythm is missing in the above version and the sentences are clunky.

I can't prove any of this but Biffo was on the Scrum forum early in the 2000s; maybe he can recall it.

I'll ask him.
.
 

Hugh Jarse

Rocky Elsom (76)
Staff member
Bloody good thing that I didn't claim any credit for the 10 Commandments post in the first instance.

@Lee Grant = Legend. Internationally acknowledged Rugby Humourist.
 

Pfitzy

George Gregan (70)
First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."


You forgot:

No I don't
"Well if you don't know I'M certainly not going to tell you!"



Bloody good thing that I didn't claim any credit for the 10 Commandments post in the first instance.

@Lee Grant = Legend. Internationally acknowledged Rugby Humourist.


To be fair, he's had a lot of practice. The first draft of that went down on stone tablets

:cool:
 
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