And as you tuck into either the Breast of Chicken wrapped in Parma ham – served with herbed Chateau potatoes of vegetables and glazed with a button onion and Pancetta sauce, or the Grilled fillet of Scottish salmon – served with grilled vegetables sauté potatoes and a tomato and basil sauce, we move on to Most Missed Poster.
And to present the award, the Wallaby's own Most Pissed Missed Poster, Lote Tuqiri!!
Scarf: Over to you, Lote ... Lote?
LT: Sorry, just sending out a twitter that I'm on stage presenting an award.
Scarf: What are you doing afterwards?
LT: Head to a club?
Scarf: Sounds good.
LT: The nominations for Most Missed Poster are formeropenside, Jury, and Red Bull. Is that like - and vodka?
The winner is ... formeropenside.
I mean, congratulations to formerwhateverside for whatever.
And now we move onto the Clubman of the Year. In some ways, the most noble award of the night, for the man dedicated to his club, and grassroots rugby, without any need of recognition or even a pat on the back.
And our Clubmen will be thrilled to know that we have secured the services of Mr Chris Whitaker to present the award. Chris?
CW: I've got the boots in the car.
Scarf: No mate, we're just thrilled to have you here.
CW: I'm actually wearing a full playing kit under the tux. Just give me a shot, coach.
Scarf: And the nominations are?
CW: Aussie D, boarman, and NTA. I don't have to have a shower, do I?
Scarf: Of course not. And the winner is?
CW: NTA :yay
Scarf: Of course! The ultimate Clubman if there ever was one. And I should know, Lindommer and I stood in a quagmire for 3 hours just to watch him cut oranges. The best grassroots reserve prop of all fucking time, Nick the Aussie!!!
Two people are nominated but only one person could present this award: Mr Robert Deans, of Canterbury, New Zealand. Robbie?
RD: Thank you, Scarf. I've been made aware of the nomination, the nominees are a unique group, they have a lot of challenges ahead of them, but they've earned their place in the nominees, they're moving forward towards their goals, who have made the most of their opportunities ...
RD: ... and all grown as players, in all dimensions and areas of the game, and placed their deposit in belief, destiny, group, growth, compete, impose, ability, group, opportunity ...
RD: Sorry Scarfy, the nominations are biffo and PaarlBok.
And the winner, who fulfilled their destiny as a unique group ...
RD: ... sorry, is PaarlBok.
Scarf: Was it ever in doubt? I never have any idea of what he's talking about, but he's an absolutely brilliant Bok supporter and adds an enormous amount to our discussions.
Last year, we called this the Most One-Eyed Supporter, I think, or was it the Most Retarded Supporter? I can't remember. Anyway, naza, having won it, renamed it the Most "Passionate" Supporter, with scare quotes applicable.
Like most journalists from the nation's media, if you need someone to spray a few words on the subject of passion in rugby, we called Sam Scott-Young, who played 7 tests for Australia, and approximately 24,000 games for Queensland. Sam, good to have you aboard.
SSY: Where're you from?
Scarf: Belfast, NI, but I've for the last 35 years I've lived in ...
SSY: Sydney! I bloody thought so, you homo bloody cockroach mardi gras loving, latte sipping, champagne bloody ...
Scarf: And the nominations for Most Passionate Supporter are?
SSY: Well, they're biffo - I like the sound of him - Gagger - he'll be from Sydney for sure - louie, naza, newb, Spook, Sully, and ... what the bloody hell is this?
Scarf: I think it says "waratahjesus", Sam.
SSY: That's sick. That's bloody sick and I'm not reading it.
Scarf: The winner is?
SSY: I'm not reading it. Fuck him.
Scarf: The winner is ... waratahjesus. :yay By a long way, in fact. Congrats WJ, you are officially the most unreasonable, one-eyed, hysterical ...
SSY: I'm starting to like him. Does he want to have a fight?
Scarf: ... poster on the forum.
Now we get to the serious part of the evening: the Lee Grant, the Rookie, The Yellow Scarf of Friendship, and the Gold Scarf.
I hope you are enjoying your choice of Dark chocolate pot topped with cappuccino cream, served with orange sable biscuit, or Strawberry mille feuille, flaky pastry centred with strawberry and vanilla cream milk chocolate sauce.
To present the Lee Grant, we have the most knowledgable man in Australian rugby, Mr Gordon Bray.
GB: Thank you DR (Dave Rennie) Scarf, thank you Qantas, ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure to announce the nominess and winners of the Lee Grant Award.
This award is, of course, named after Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant of the American Civil War, 1861 to 1865.
Scarf: Cheers, Gordo.
GB: And the nominations are: cutter, fatprop, Lee Grant, Lindommer ... which is Danish for touch judge, did you know that Scarfy?
Scarf: No, I didn't, Gordo.
GB: ... naza, and rugbywhisperer.
And the winner is ... Lee Grant :yay
Scarf: Thanks G. A very close one, with the winner swinging between Lee and fatprop all week. In the end, the vote was 14 to 12, with a fair distance to rugbyshisperer in 3rd, with 2 votes. In 2009, the Lee goes to Lee.
Cheers, cp. I just hit rock bottom of my cellar: 2 x Resch's silver bullets. Date unknown.
The next award is for the Rookie of the Year. This is a hotly contested award every year, and this year our nominees are certainly in the hotseat. Our presenter is Alan Jones, Wallaby coach of the successful Grand Slam tour of 1984 and noted talent spotter. AJ?
AJ: Thank you Scarfman.
Scarf: I suppose you've been on the lookout for new talent in Australia's rugby ranks?
AJ: I certainly have, Scarf.
Scarf: Where have you been looking, Alan?
AJ: Oh, the usual places. On the field, in the grandstand, behind the grandstand ..
The penultimate award for this evening is the Yellow Scarf of Friendship for the Best Foreign Poster. And I've had a word with Antony Green, of the G&GR Auditors, and he says that the vote is distributed heavily in favour of the South Africans, 21 votes to New Zealand's 6 and Ireland's 5.
So the ANZAC spirit not quite in evidence, there.
We have, as a very special guest, to present this award, Mr Francois Pienaar.
FP: Matt Damon.
Scarf: Well, it's a great honour to have you here this evening, Mr Pienaar.
FP: Matt Damon.
Scarf: OK. The nominations are Blue, Mainlander, Paarlbok, Red Beard, Scorz, Thomond78, and Virgil.
FP: Matt Damon.
Scarf: And the winner is ... PaarlBok. :yay Congratrulations Paarl. My favourite foreign poster: the place wouldn't be the same without you.