Jokes!

[Nusadan]

The jokes just come "flooding" in: (Italian Cruise Ship)


# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.That's more than can be said for his ship.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottom's dropped out of both.

 

[BPC]

Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.


Ba-boom-tish.

 

[Sandpit Fan]

With apologies to our Irish friends:




Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate
the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a
glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat
in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to
speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a
couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin
and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so
he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and
they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band
was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of
a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

​

 

[Moses]

Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.


Ba-boom-tish.

Three elephants fall off a cliff. Two land on the rocks, one in the water.
Boom, boom, tish.

Sent from my Transformer TF101 using Tapatalk

 

[matty_k]

Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

 

[Swat]

What's six inches long and won't get sucked this valentines day?
Whitney's crack pipe

 

[Bruwheresmycar]

 

[Swat]

 

[leakytap]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby".
You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".
Case closed.

 

[Karl]

Two snakes are talking. One snake says to the other snake "Are we poisonous?" The first snake says "Hell yea! Deadly baby! Why?"

"I just bit my tongue."

 

[leakytap]

Elton's and David's Baby

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."

 

[Nusadan]

Pinched this from an online rugby magazine:

A retired happily married Rugby player was
mowing his front lawn when a woman driving by in a
big, shiny Mercedes Benz stopped in front of his
house, lowered the window and asked "What do you
charge to mow the lawns?" The bloke said "Well, the
lady in this house lets me sleep with her." The woman
hurriedly put the car back into gear and drove away.

 

[leakytap]

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. >> >>

He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

 

[Roundawhile]

IN AN OLD PEOPLES HOME.....

An old lady hobbles up to an old guy and says (in a shrill voice) "I bet I can tell how how old you are and when you're next birthday is!".

The old man looks astonished and says "OK".

The old girl gets on her knees and undoes his trousers, takes them off and pulls his Y-fronts down.

She then starts to play with his todger and puts it in her mouth.

After a while she looks up at him and says "You're ninety-two and you're birthdays next Tuesday!!!!".

The old man can't believe it! "How did you know that" he asks.

"You told me yesterday".............................

 

[p.Tah]

I thought my wife was joking when she said that Davy Jones from The Monkees was dead.
Then I saw her.. face.
Now I'm a bereaver

 

[leakytap]

These are from a book calledDisorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published bycourt reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Thismyasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) wasAugust 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Cave Dweller]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Audi Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is jus ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retorts unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro Meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.!!

 

[nicobinho]

What's six inches long and won't get sucked this valentines day?
Whitney's crack pipe

hahah that was really funny but messed up at the same time..

 

[Cave Dweller]

Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down

 

[Bruwheresmycar]