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Auckland Blues To Infinity and Beyond

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Jim Lenehan (48)
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Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
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The end of a relationship with the Auckland Blues is always hard. You feel an unbearable pain that keeps you trapped in the past, praying for the Blues of 2003 to return. You keep wondering if things could go back to how it was but you realize Caucau and Carlos and J.Roks are not coming back. You want this misery to end. But it just doesn’t.

There are 5 different stages of grief at the end of a relationship with the Blues and you need to go through them all, in order to move on and find happiness once again. So, let’s break them down.

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Stage 1. Denial.

"No fucking way these thick bloody Blues pricks have lost to the goddamn Cantabs again. No fucking way. I deny it. I am in denial."

The first thought entering the Blues fan psyche after any traumatic Blues match event in their life is “How could this happen to me?” Blues fans are not strictly rational beings and when their world is shocked, emotions take over. Fucking Ofa. Fucking Nepo. Fucking thick dickheads. The heart overpowers the logical thought of the mind. Even though your brain is cognisant that the Auckland Blues are the sun, the moon, the earth and the stars yet still the fat hopeless babies in Blues jerseys keep failing to realize The Prophecy. They refuse to love you back, the heart can’t quite let go and will start to create a false sense of reality.

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This is when you entertain fantasies of murder, revenge, drug addiction and masturbation. You still feel that there’s hope for the shit-for-brains Blues franchise. These delusions can lead you to do stupid things in an attempt to reconnect with the Blues. You join twitter.

Don't do that.

It’s critical to cut off communication so you’re not tempted by that late-night tweet. It’s not going to help. You’ll be tempted to hop on Instagram just to catch a glimpse of Akira's smile and hairy belly, but what good will that do you? Going cold turkey for a while is the only way to accelerate progress through this critical phase.

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Stage 2. Anger

As denial fades away, emotional pain emerges and often manifests itself in the form of anger.

"Fuck that useless Beauden motherfucking Barrett arsehole. He's obviously concussed and is terrified of anyone touching him. The showpony mercenary arsehole should have retired last year after that concussion against Ireland. But no. Rock up to the Blues and sabotage their hopes and dreams by cotton-wooling himself in anticipation of one more Japan payday. Sure, kick the fucking ball away all day, speculative up-and-unders from inside your own 22, totally arsefuck the development of Perofuture and Zarn Sullivan you f

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Stage 3. Bargaining

Studies have shown that unrequited love from an abusive rugby football franchise activates similar parts of the brain that are associated with addiction. There’s a scientific component that comes into play here. Not unlike a drug addict, you physically become addicted to the potential thrill of the polynesian b-ball blitzkrieg jailbreak. That warm, lovey feeling is triggered by a release of blue-coloured jailbreak dopamine. Once your brain no longer receives that stimulation, you go into a type of withdrawal.

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You begin to hypothesize different ways that the Blues might have been able to make it work. Once you realise the stupid dumbarse pricks are never going to make it work you get to....


Stage 4. Depression

The night is darkest just before dawn. As your heart gives up at the conclusion of the bargaining phase, depression kicks in. The most critical thing to do during this phase is to acknowledge the beneficial aspects of out-of-body experiences. Alcohol and drugs will greatly help at this trying time. Focus on staying wasted. Psychotropic hallucinogens are awesome fun and will help you forget the Auckland Blues altogether. As well as everything else. Your body and mind will thank you in the end.

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Stage 5. Acceptance

Eventually, your heart, mind, and soul will accept that this phase of your life is over and it’s time to move on. This is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. It’s an incredibly liberating and inspiring feeling. "Fuck the Auckland Blues, fuck them right up the clacka." Make peace with the loss of your significant other. Accept that your relationship is no more. Accept that you have a clean slate to start fresh. Accept the fact that there’s a bright future for you ahead. You will eventually be ready to forgive the Blues, those fucking hopeless lazy brainless dummies, and potentially even thank them. The time you had together was not a waste. It helped define part of who you are. Be grateful for the time you had.

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KiwiM

KiwiM

Nev Cottrell (35)
qwerty51 said:
Simply put, with the context of the last 3 years and this year, that was the most pathetic performance in the history of Super Rugby. How.
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3 key areas. Poor coaching, poor culture, poor leadership.

Coaching can be seen in poor game plans and poor selections. Blues refusal to move on from Beauden at 10 in big games is laughable - he refuses to take on line which stuffs the whole attack. Game plan wise the Blues attacking shape sucks - it's either Beauden standing still shovelling, Beauden cross kicking or some big forward hitting it up one out. Predictable and weak.

Dalton even admitted as much: "That first half, we just tried to get too fancy with the tips and back passes. We just didn't do our basics and that's the carry and clean. That's what we put our hat on all season and when we've played well we've done that well. We sort of took a backstep in that first half."

The culture and leadership go together - they talk a good game but fold when it counts. They don't build into a season - they just roll out the same game all year and wonder why it doesn't work vs top teams (Blues were 0 and 5 vs the other semi finalists this year).

Leadership wise there's no pivoting on the field when things start going badly - they just get pumped. Papalii tries and Tuipulotu I think was missed but otherwise there is nothing.

Rieko claims he's a leader but he shits the bed in big games for the Blues constantly. How about you learn how to catch the fucking ball - I'm not sure I can remember an AB midfielder with worse hands - Tana had poor hands at times but Rieko's are worse. It's infuriating because he has such ability but parts of his game just have not developed. I get the sense he walks on water and doesn't get challenged enough. Hopefully Razor can sort him out for ABs next year.

They also had constant discipline issues all year (and Leon laughably said recently he thought the discipline was mostly good this year). I sat and watched them get pinged off the park vs Brumbies which had them down to 13 men at one stage.

You take out the best coach (Schmidt) and the best leader (Romano) from last season and this is the result.

I'm glad Leon is moving on - I have some hope he's a better assistant coach but Blues badly need a new voice as head coach.

That semi final was right up there with the most pathetic display I've seen from a Blues team - losing is one thing but that display as the final product of Leon's 5 years in charge was utter shit.
 
KiwiM

KiwiM

Nev Cottrell (35)
I'm very very happy with those appointments.

Cotter provides the steel and O'Hallaran provides the attacking game plan.

Two things they badly needed.

The missing piece is leadership on the field.

Leon did an admirable job but Cotter is a far more experienced coach which Blues have needed for a long time but often gone the flashy name/less experienced coach over the last decade (Kirwan, Umaga, Leon).
 
waiopehu oldboy

waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
Vern Cotter bringing the radical concepts:

"I want to get the forwards a bit rougher and tougher," said Cotter on his first day in the job. "I think rugby starts up front, so we just need to work on that.

"Everybody does, but we need to focus on it. We don't need X-factor up front, we've got plenty out the back."

I wish him good luck ;)
 
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Dan54

Dan54

Tim Horan (67)
waiopehu oldboy said:
Vern Cotter brining the radical concepts:

"I want to get the forwards a bit rougher and tougher," said Cotter on his first day in the job. "I think rugby starts up front, so we just need to work on that.

"Everybody does, but we need to focus on it. We don't need X-factor up front, we've got plenty out the back."

I wish him good luck ;)
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Doesn't he remember he's got a team of Jafas?? Christ city boys and rougher and tougher forwards?? dear oh dear when will he laern? :D
 
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Jim Lenehan (48)
I saw the highlights on YouTube - complete with Japanese commentary - and the few instances of phase attack looked good. Much more like a modern Ireland with Perofeta in control than sleepy Beauden kicking it away because he cbf. Jason O'Halloran came with good wraps as an attack coach, so hopefully it all translates over.

Losing Tuipulotu is not ideal, however. Hopefully just means extended game time for Suafoa.
 
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