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HELP NEEDED with daily news


Nick Farr-Jones (63)
Staff member
Hi Guys,

Keen to show you've got the pulse of the rugby world and a decent turn of phrase?

We've got a bit of a glitch with our daily news guys for the next couple of weeks.

Anyone out there keen to give it a go?

If you've applied/put your hand up before and are still keen - let me know as well!

Key think is that it needs to be published by 8.30am, but you can usually get most of it sorted out the night before. There's money and/or beer in it.




Stirling Mortlock (74)
Staff member
Give me a few days to get settled / sorted and I should be able to help out a bit. Might need a little refresher, but should be OK. I will have some free time.........
New whaling plan will prove hunt is for scientific purposes.


Joji Morishita, Japan's commissioner to the International Whaling Commission, has decreed that his new plan will prove the scientific rationale behind Japan's much-criticised whale face harpooning festivities in the south seas.


"For the last time, it's not a fucking menu, would you c**ts please stop teasing me and calling it a fucking menu."

"We have cut whaling by two-thirds" reiterated Morishita. "That should be enough to prove to the world that the hunt is for genuine scientific purposes because two thirds is a mathematical fraction and mathematics is one of the scientific disciplines."


"Yes, it does mention the word 'sushi' but there's no prices on it so how can it be a menu? Blind wankers."

“We are happy to talk about conservation or recovery of depleting species or endangered species" continued Morishita "...... that is on the dinner table I mean the table for discussion. In fact we would love to replenish their fat fuck stocks so we can research the shit out of some more of the fat ugly delicious homos."


"Look, 'sushi' is a Japanese word and as a foreigner you can never understand the delicacies I mean delicate points of our Japanese language."


"Shut up c**t, soy sauce is a very important research lubricant."
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Local Artist adjudged to be a bit shit

--Arts Gazette--

A local artist has been deemed by his local art council to be "frankly, a bit shit".


"I call this piece 'The Arc' De Triomphe in Springtime. At dusk.'"

The artist, whose other works have included 3 plastic forks sitting stupidly on an old newspaper, a small television perched at a cocky angle and some lint glued to a stick is said to be unfazed by the criticism.


"I call this piece 'Early Morning Sunlight at Versailles'"


"I call this piec
Disaster averted at Imperial Palace.


A disaster has been narrowly averted at the Imperial Palace in Tokyo, Japan after no less than 50,000 shocked elderly visitors were fished out of the fuckin' moat.

The elderly had been strolling the grounds, minding their own fuckin' business, thrilled at finally being granted access for the first time in history to the luxurious Imperial Gardens of the exalted Royal Family that they so dearly, dearly love, when lo-and-behold, they were apparently herded en masse directly into The Royal Moat by armbanded factions of Prime Minister Shinzo Abe's ruling party under the guise of a new "pension incentive".


"This way for your pension money. This way please."

"No harm in it, no malicious intent whatsoever" maintained Abe. "Just a natural selection initiative to take care of the aging population. Rather than raise the taxes we thought we would see which old c**ts would sink and which ones would swim. Just natural selection taking its course but fine, if you're not ready for that sort of tax incentive yet then fuck yuz, we'll fish the dreadful old rotten smelly half-dead c**ts out of the moat. If you're not ready for more ground-breaking daring risque sexy Abenomic economic packages then fine, fuck off, enjoy negotiating your way around your local supermarket with 8 dozen rotten wankers bashing you with their trolleys every 3 seconds, changing direction abruptly whenever the fuck they like, and then at checkout taking 3 days to pay for one half of one bit of old moldy dickweed using 3 million one-yen coins from their stupid purse that they can't even fuckin' open. And that's just the c**ts that didn't just die face-first in the frozen fish section holding onto half a dead fuckin' fish."
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Local carpenter forgets to build house


A local carpenter has slightly buggered up his latest carpentry job by building a roof for a house but forgetting to build the actual house for it first. The stupid c**t is now currently stuck under the f**king roof.


"You stupid c**t. You forgot to build the f**king house."

The man has been described by emergency services as "a nice enough bloke but not the sharpest tool in the kitchen drawer, which he probably forgot to build too."

"He seems quite calm under there" said one member of the rescue unit. "At one stage he did say it was 'a bit dark' and then he wondered aloud if he should 'turn the lights on' but we had to patiently remind him that he hadn't installed any lights. Or, in fact, installed anything. Except the roof."
Useless c**t could have got to work on the wine cellar and basement garage. Lazy prick.
yep tradesmen these days i dunno........

Local TV Delivery goes all wrong.



A local television delivery has gone all wrong. The delivery team of Trevor and Gene Gunston of Gunston Deliveries have issued an apology to the poor sad bastard customer.


"Here's your apology; Get f**ked c**t."
-Gene Gunston of Gunston Deliveries.

The Gunston brothers, neither of whom have University degrees in physics or even in geometry, have issued a joint statement saying they "couldn't be arsed carrying the fucking thing" up two flights of stairs.

Trevor Gunston has attempted to assauge the upset customer by yelling at her from his white ute as he sped off "yeah don't worry about it, I checked the TV Guide, there was nothing on that day anyway."


"No footy on that day mate, fuckit."
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How to dress like a French woman this winter.

--Vogue Magazine--

Hello. Xavier "X-Man" Jones here.


Me, the X-Man.

Are you a French woman?


Well then, do you want to dress like a French woman this winter? Of course you fucking do. French women are the purveyors of Parisian chic. It's time to stop living in denial and get with the f**king programme.


A French woman in winter seen here effortlessly pulling off the French woman in winter look.

There are many French women in France. Women such as Serge Gainsbourg's missus, the chick on the cover of that magazine and Elle Mcpherson. You should dress like them in winter.

Here's how:

* wear a hat.
* wear a jacket.
* wear trousers.
* wear shoes.

That's it!

Piece of piss!


Another French woman in winter: seemingly confused about how clothing works in general but still a French woman in winter.
Hipsters exhaust Bolivian stocks of quinoa even though quinoa tastes like a dead yak's nits.


The Bolivian economy is today in turmoil as it has been revealed that 1st world hipsters in the USA have exhausted Bolivia's stockpile of quinoa even though quinoa tastes like a dead yak's nits.


Bolivia in happier days.

The trendy rice-like food, which does indeed taste like some old dead monkeys boiled nits, is considered de rigeur haute cuisine by the bearded poseur wankers that today populate the USA.


A Bolivian quinoa paddy,
now barren except for one
half of one fence.

"I cannot believe those bearded show pony wallies ate the whole lot" said Bolivia's Minister for Yak's Nits I mean Trade and Industry. "It's not even a f**kin' food, it just grows wild in the bumfuck of beyond where yaks and monkeys and tree goats piss and shit all over the stuff. Stupid seppos. That'll be $13.99 a gram please, haha dickheads."


"Ship ahoy, wankers."
--Bolivia's Minister for Yak's Nuts.
Esquire, effet d'art, du raisin entree, its all getting very continental around here squire.

in unrelated news.......

Local Taranaki herb farm a mysteriously happy place.

--NZ Herald--

A local Taranaki herb farm has been identified as a mysteriously happy place to be. Chief farmer and horticulturalist Dr Wallace Gunston said he can't quite put his finger on why that is the case.


"Can't quite put my finger on it, no, you cannot go down the end there mate."

--Dr Wallace Gunston.

Gunston grows the herbs all year round and puts more than 20 tonnes of herbs on the New Zealand market every year. He employs a staff of 10, all of whom look happy enough and fairly nonplussed about the whole thing.
"The sunlight hours are the most important thing" continued Gunston, "although I can't really say why, it's uh, it's a company secret, um, like intellectual property, is that the one?"

The entire cavernous indoor farm is permeated by a fragrant aroma which may be linked to the source of workplace happiness, a joyful, peaceful relaxing happiness that seems to emanate from the very plants themselves.


"Happy plants? No idea. Could be linked to the secret recipe. The one we have for the uhh, the herbs. We have a secret recipe for the herbs."


"Righto, that's all the interview time for today mate, it's time for smoko. Oh shit, oops, I mean it's time for morning tea time haha."


Stirling Mortlock (74)
Staff member
Wallace must run a muthafucken wind farm to power that setup. Bet he lives downwind too.
What lies inside this run-down-looking 2000-year-old farmhouse in Woolongong is really quite extraordinary.



On the outside it looks like a ramshackle 2000-year-old farmhouse that hasn't seen much love over the years. But step inside and you'll find a stark, modern, minimalist interior that doesn't at all match the cover.

Recently transformed by architects Gunston, Gunston & Gunston, the rustic granite holiday home in Southern Woolongong shows that it's what's on the inside that counts.

Leaving the exterior largely untouched, the interior was completely transformed - with all work done inside the original structure of the historic stone house.

Kitchen/Dining Area:

"You will be astonished at how seamlessly the kitchen area segues into the dining area. That was my personal design initiative."
--Lead architect Trevor Gunston.

The Bathroom:

"We installed heat-reflective paneling, identical to that of the NASA Space Shuttle. Able to withstand temperatures of 28 degrees celsius."
--Lead architect Wayne Gunston.

The Master Bedroom:

"Skylight-assisted rooting", according to leading bedroom architect Gene Gunston.

The Living Room:

"Art Deco Equatorial Equinoxe wallpaper", according to another bloody stupid Gunston.


"Is that rectangular concrete structure in the yard some sort of natural wellwater repository?" I asked of lead architect Trevor Gunston.
"Yes. It could be if you so choose. At the moment it doubles as a long drop and, eventually, further on down the track, once we get your fat dead arse into a coffin, your grave."
Wollongong, just for reference.
yeah well maybe its the Woolongong in fuckin Switzerland mr smartarse

Pocock to remain chained to Eden Park goalpost until "around November".

--NZ Herald--

Renowned political activist and occasional rugby player David Pocock of Australia has spent his Friday night in Auckland chained to one of the goalposts at Eden Park. The action was believed to have been initiated by an unnamed ex-Auckland Blues assistant coach.


"The goalpost is made of a very rare endangered timber. We wanted to enlist the services of David to protect this rare endangered timber and to highlight its plight to the rest of the world."

Pocock, after hearing the unnamed ex-Blues assistant coaches passionate plea last night, agreed. "If this is an endangered strain of indigenous national heritage then I feel it is only right to heighten social awareness of this case. I agree to remain chained to this goalpost until public awareness has been raised. The unnamed ex-Blues assistant coach reckoned until about November would be a prudent length of time. I fully agree. No more questions. Oh, could you please point a sprinkler at me for a bit? I need to stay hydrated. Maybe some for the goalpost too. I call him 'Woody'.
Local man confused about Game of Thorns delay

--NZ Herald--

Local man Mr Bruce Saint is reportedly "very, very" confused over the delay in availability of the new Game of Thorns tv show.


"Where the f**k is it?
--Mr Saint.

"I searched online but bloody nuthin'" said Mr Saint. "So I went to me local dvd rental store to ask them when the new f**kin' Game of Thorns comes out and the clerk just looked at me blankly! He must be as bloody confused as I am. I thought this Game of Thorns rubbish was supposed to be famous? Famous my arse! Although maybe my local dvd shop is a bit shit. They didn't have any Star Track or Lady of the Rings either. Useless! Although maybe that last one was in the grot section. Didn't check there. Not for too long anyway. Useless!"