Who's in bed with Kristina Keneally?
TWO female advisers walk into a bar. One's working on her first state election campaign. The other is an experienced hand, who does all the talking and most of the drinking.
"This place opened a few weeks ago. I think it used to be a bike shop. Let's drink to Clover. That barman reminds me of Michael Coutts-Trotter, the director-general of education. He worked for Michael Egan, who was treasurer when Bob Carr was premier. I remember Michael from uni when he was a mature-age student at UTS. Totally hot, just like the tutors. Turned his life around. He's married to Tanya Plibersek, federal Minister for Human Services and Social Inclusion, who did journalism at UTS like me and half the hacks in the gallery. They've got three kids. Gorgeous. Tanya should be in cabinet. You should be taking notes.
Keep the history alive because there won't be many in our show after Fatty's big day out. Have you heard O'Barrell speak? Kristina's smashed him in every forum. Anyway, Tanya was close to Anthony Albanese, the federal minister for trucks and hard hats. Albo's married to Carmel Tebbutt. Can you believe the Deputy Premier is about to be ditched in the People's Republic of Marrickville? She's down to earth and has worked her guts out in health. Carmel followed John Della Bosca in that hospital-pass portfolio. He came after Reba Meagher, who was once Joe Tripodi's fiancee. They were in Young Labor when I was still at school. I wonder what Joe's going to do next. He's only 43. Reba's a single mum now. She was married to Tim Gleason, who did media for Bob Carr, Nathan Rees and Kevin Rudd. He deserves an AO.
Guess what? Carmel went to the same De La Salle School in Cronulla as Della, the alma mater of Michael Lee, NSW ALP president who was a minister when Paul Keating was PM. Anyway, his brother John Lee, the key man at the Tourism and Transport Forum, was director-general of the premier's department when Rees became premier in 2008. They were bloody hard days. I should write a book about it. Confessions of a Party Girl! DLS Cronulla is a Labor factory, even though it's in The Shire. Tony Sheldon, national secretary of the Transport Workers Union (who's married to NSW ALP vice-president Sarah Kaine), went there, as did Steve Hutchins, who didn't get up from the No.3 Senate spot last August. Gone. He was once married to Diane Beamer, the retiring member for Mulgoa, but Hutch is now hitched to Natalie Sykes, who won the Victorian seat of Keilor last year. Another Cronulla old boy is Michael Forshaw, who is retiring in June after he got demoted on the Senate ticket to make way in Canberra for former NSW party boss Matt Thistlethwaite. Matt's successor is Sam Dastyari, the guy running the campaign, not much older than you, actually. KK called him a fool after he said Bazza O'Fazza was going to win this thing big. Hello. Read the memo. Like backroom Sam's ever going to speak without getting the green light? He's married to Helen, the daughter of Peter Barron, who worked for Bob Hawke when he was PM and he is a close mate of Graham Richardson. You know Richo, from Sky? Everyone knows Richo. He took Della under his wing at Sussex Street. Della is married to Belinda Neal, who lost preselection for Robertson after that meltdown at Iguanas night spot a few years ago. Then Kevin747, of all people, made her take anger-management lessons. I love those ironies, it keeps me centred.
When Della left the upper house, his spot was taken by Sophie Cotsis, who used to work for Michael Costa. Did you see that piece he wrote in the Oz last year? What a rat. Are you following all this? Stop me if I ramble. Costa used to write some out-there stuff when he was at the Labor Council with Mark Duffy, who also worked for Egan. Bonsai economy. The HR Nicholls crowd loved it. We used to denounce them at Young Labor, pass all these motions of condemnation. Duffy married Seija Wolk, who worked for Costa, and is now deputy DG of minerals and energy. Pretty much a pointy-head bureaucrat these days. Costa is just mad. I reckon by Monday Costa and Morris Iemma will be taking the nuclear option. Cassandra Wilkinson also worked for Costa and is one of Kristina's senior advisers. You know Paul McLeay who resigned from the ministry last year after an audit found he'd been visiting porn sites on his work computer, that's Cassandra's husband. Paul's father was the federal speaker in the house of reps, they used to call him "Leaping Leo".
Costa's office, like Egan's in his day, was like a transit lounge for all sorts of people. I was only a junior staffer when he was transport minister. Later on Kelli Field, married to Mark Arbib, was Costa's chief of staff when he was treasurer. So was John Whelan, who also worked for Carr and Kim Beazley and ended up as a policy guru for both the Ruddster and Julia Gillard. There's another John Whelan as well, the two are cousins. I pashed one once but can't remember which one. That stays in the cone of gossip, okay? The second one worked for Egan and Grant McBride and is the son of the former police minister Paul Whelan. He was also a bureaucrat in the office of booze, pokies and punts and is now the guy in charge of responsible gambling at the Australian Hotels Association.
Speaking of gambling, have you seen the latest odds? I'm with Richo. I'll bet you a bottle of Veuve we get fewer than 15 seats. If he wants it, John Robertson will be opposition leader. I saw Robbo in his cossies at the pool once. A sparky. Looks and sounds like a Labor man from the 60s. A lot of people can't stand him, especially after he killed off the power sale that ended the careers of Iemma and Costa. Robbo might not even win Blacktown. Paul Gibson, the guy they shafted in that seat, says it's going to be a bloodbath on Saturday. Gibbo used to be on with Katherine Specking, who was married to Phil Koperberg, who is retiring as well. Bad blood there.
Gibbo's former partner was Sandra Nori and she used to be married to John Faulkner. Ever heard Captain Specs sing? Great voice, nice man. When Robbo entered parly, Keating sent him a letter saying he was ashamed to share membership of the same party. Those old blokes hate with a passion that's missing these days. I reckon Twitter, Facebook and blogs take the heat out. You know the lobbyist Katherine Keating, PJK's daughter, she used to work for Craig Knowles when he was planning minister and Tony Burke, who was with the Shoppies when I first met him, appointed Knowles to be the new chair of the Murray Darling Basin Authority. Here's a tip, stay away from water. It always ends in tears.
Shhould we get another bottle? How about a Clare Shiraz? You know Jason Clare? Coming man as the great E.G. Whitlam used to say. He's got Keating's old seat of Blaxland and is now the Minister for Defence Materiel. Big dollars. His ex-partner is Davina Langton. I think she's worked for every premier since Carr, been around even longer than I have. She worked for Joel Fitzgibbon in Canberra. Joel's a laugh. My brother once had a job with him. Davina's dad is Brian Langton, the chair of Sydney Ferries. He was the transport minister who resigned after the Independent Commission Against Corruption found he had rorted charter flight expenses. He went to Marist Brothers Kogarah, another hatchery for Labor. Gaming Minister Kevin Greene went there and so did Richo. One day, I reckon Loreto or Santa girls will rule this town. We live in hope.
How about Karl Bitar? Gone-ski. But Karl and Arbib got Iemma home in 2007 and everyone said then they were geniuses. Karl's wife is Joanna Woods. She's worked for the party for years and was number four on the Senate ticket in 2004. Her father Harry Woods was a federal MP (Moana Pasifika) and a minister in the Carr government.
So you said you were related to the Fergusons. Who isn't? Andrew could be a real star in the upper house but No.6 on the ticket is wicked. Paul Lynch is probably going to have four or five portfolios in opposition. Lynda Voltz has to be in the mix for the ministry. What do you call Martin and Laurie, uncle or comrade?
I haven't got anything lined up in Canberra, but I know lots of people there. Maybe park myself at Hawker Britton. When Kevin07 was elected, he treated NSW staffers like we had the plague. But he burned advisers out and so many people have moved on after the election. Unlike Kevin! Lots of Victorians are going federal now. This didn't come from me, but I reckon this is a good election for us to lose. I need a rest. I've worked for four different ministers and I'll get a six-figure redundancy when the Bazookas take over. Might even run in 2015 for my dad's old seat, which the Libs will probably win because of the bloody independent. But never again, girlfriend.
So many women are leaving at this election. You know Tripodi's sister-in-law Angela D'Amore in Drummoyne? Lost a lot of weight. She was disendorsed after the ICAC finding. And Tanya Gadiel in Parramatta is stepping down for family reasons. She used to be married to Michael Gadiel from Unions NSW, brother of Aaron who runs the Urban Taskforce lobby for developers. Did I mention Beamer? Okay, Marie Andrews, Lylea McMahon and Alison Megarrity are stepping down as well. Tourism Minister Jodi McKay, best shoes in parly, looks gone for all money in Newcastle and Cherie Burton is fighting for her life in Kogarah.
Richo says we have to get used to losing and that the rot set in from week one of this term. The big losses will be Carmel and Verity Firth. She's full of beans and good for morale, like her aunty Meredith Burgmann, who used to be president of the upper house. She's the one who gives out the "Ernie" awards for atrocities against the sisterhood. Most of them from our side! Verity has had a hard run. First, all that school building crap and then her husband Matthew Chesher, who worked for the Roads Minister David Borger, got arrested buying "e" in Glebe. Talk about a bitch of a year. These jobs are like dog years. I feel 60. But, she said, taking another gulp, we make our own choishes love.
Speaking of ageing and volunteering, you know Peter Primrose's press sec Patrick Keneally? His brother Ben was Iemma's deputy chief of staff. They're nephews of Thomas Keneally. He wrote Schindler's Ark. Or was it Schindler's List? I can never remember whish one. Major Labor famiglia. And guess who Ben's sleeping with, my sister from another mister? KK, our fearless leader, the premier. Go girlfriend!
I need a ciggie. So are you seeing anyone?"
