J
Jury
Guest
PaarlBok said:
:lmao:
Jokes!
- Thread starter PaarlBok
- Start date
:lmao:
M
Mainlander
Guest
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said,
?honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.?
She thought about it for a moment and proclaimed ?out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick ?
?honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.?
She thought about it for a moment and proclaimed ?out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick ?
F
formeropenside
Guest
A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his Willy, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his Willy, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...
Virgil
Larry Dwyer (12)
formeropenside said:
Version 2
Man gets picked up by a gorgeous woman at a nightclub and ends up back at her place.
After a night of sex he relaxes the next morning. While shes in the shower he pokes around her bedroom and discovers a picture of a man in one of her drawers.
She walks into the bedroom and he asks her who the guy in the picture is, "is it your husband?"
"no she says"
"is it your boy friend?"
"no"
"your brother?"
"no"
"who then?!?"
"that was me before the operation"
BLONDE in heaven
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we've been forced to put up an entrance exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Angels.' 'That's cool,' said the Blonde, 'what does the entrance exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is: Which two days of the week start with the letter T? The second is: How many seconds are there in a year? The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde answered, 'Today and tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'how did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The Blonde replied 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'and what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy?' 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he couldn't stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the Blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we've been forced to put up an entrance exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Angels.' 'That's cool,' said the Blonde, 'what does the entrance exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is: Which two days of the week start with the letter T? The second is: How many seconds are there in a year? The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde answered, 'Today and tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'how did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The Blonde replied 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'and what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy?' 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he couldn't stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the Blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...
T
Turban
Guest
Virgil said:
Thats the funniest one i've read on this thread.
A guy sees a friend of his with an enormous, perfectly round, orange head. Shocked and concerned, the guy goes to inquire about what the hell happened to his buddy.
"Well," says the friend, "You wouldn't believe it if I told you."
The guy insists on hearing it anyways.
"Well, ok. I found a magic lamp with a genie in it. I was skeptical at first, but I rubbed the damn thing like a fool and sure enough a genie popped out." said the friend. "And by the way," he added, "Genies aren't as gay as Aladdin or I Dream of Genie make them out to be. They actually look like normal people - you or I. It's rather curious how a magical being -"
The guy stops him mid-sentence and asks him to focus on the story.
"Oh, right, right. So I rub this genie lamp and the genie pops out. Just like in the stories you hear, he would grant me three wishes. I thought long and hard as to what I would ask for and thought of what I wanted most in life."
The guy nods and he continues.
"Well, for my first wish I wished for a million dollars. The genie raised his hands, said a magic word, and *poof* there was a suitcase full of money for me. He even put it in one of those travel suitcases that has the wheels on the bottom... You know, that was a kind gesture when I think about it... Well, I mean, anyways... that how I have this huge wad of hundred dollar bills."
The friend pulls out a roll of money as big as his fist, all of which were $100 bills.
The guy sees this and is still skeptical of his story, "Ok, what about the other two wishes?"
"Well, the second one was easier than the first! I asked the genie for the most beautiful, interesting, most compassionate and passionate woman in the world." he says as he points to a bombshell sitting with her legs cross across the room. He waves and winks at her, "Hey, baby!" and she returns the gesture.
"Wow! This is unbelievable. So now you're rich AND you're with THAT? ... ... Wait a minute... what about the orange head?" asks the guy.
"Well, this is where I think I messed up." says the friend, gruffly. He face grows sad, and he continues.
"For my third, I wished for a big, round, orange head."
"Well," says the friend, "You wouldn't believe it if I told you."
The guy insists on hearing it anyways.
"Well, ok. I found a magic lamp with a genie in it. I was skeptical at first, but I rubbed the damn thing like a fool and sure enough a genie popped out." said the friend. "And by the way," he added, "Genies aren't as gay as Aladdin or I Dream of Genie make them out to be. They actually look like normal people - you or I. It's rather curious how a magical being -"
The guy stops him mid-sentence and asks him to focus on the story.
"Oh, right, right. So I rub this genie lamp and the genie pops out. Just like in the stories you hear, he would grant me three wishes. I thought long and hard as to what I would ask for and thought of what I wanted most in life."
The guy nods and he continues.
"Well, for my first wish I wished for a million dollars. The genie raised his hands, said a magic word, and *poof* there was a suitcase full of money for me. He even put it in one of those travel suitcases that has the wheels on the bottom... You know, that was a kind gesture when I think about it... Well, I mean, anyways... that how I have this huge wad of hundred dollar bills."
The friend pulls out a roll of money as big as his fist, all of which were $100 bills.
The guy sees this and is still skeptical of his story, "Ok, what about the other two wishes?"
"Well, the second one was easier than the first! I asked the genie for the most beautiful, interesting, most compassionate and passionate woman in the world." he says as he points to a bombshell sitting with her legs cross across the room. He waves and winks at her, "Hey, baby!" and she returns the gesture.
"Wow! This is unbelievable. So now you're rich AND you're with THAT? ... ... Wait a minute... what about the orange head?" asks the guy.
"Well, this is where I think I messed up." says the friend, gruffly. He face grows sad, and he continues.
"For my third, I wished for a big, round, orange head."
Two guys start chatting at a dinner party. The first guy goes "So, what do you do?" and the 2nd guy says "Oh I'm a bee-keeper."
1st guy: "Oh really? How many bees do you have?"
2nd: "Oh I have 100,000 bees."
1st: "Wow, how many hives do you have for them?"
2nd: "I have 100 hives, 1000 bees in each hive."
1st: "Oh right, cool"
2nd: "So what do you do?"
1st: "Well, I'm actually a bee-keeper too."
2nd: "Oh wow! What a coincidence. So how many bees do you have?"
1st: "I have one million bees."
2nd: "Really? Woah. That's a lot of bees. How many hives do you have for all those bees?"
1st: "Just one hive."
2nd: "One hive? For a million bees? Jeez. Do they not get all crowded and packed and uncomfortable in there?"
And the first guy goes..
"Fuck 'em, they're just bees."
1st guy: "Oh really? How many bees do you have?"
2nd: "Oh I have 100,000 bees."
1st: "Wow, how many hives do you have for them?"
2nd: "I have 100 hives, 1000 bees in each hive."
1st: "Oh right, cool"
2nd: "So what do you do?"
1st: "Well, I'm actually a bee-keeper too."
2nd: "Oh wow! What a coincidence. So how many bees do you have?"
1st: "I have one million bees."
2nd: "Really? Woah. That's a lot of bees. How many hives do you have for all those bees?"
1st: "Just one hive."
2nd: "One hive? For a million bees? Jeez. Do they not get all crowded and packed and uncomfortable in there?"
And the first guy goes..
"Fuck 'em, they're just bees."
PaarlBok
Rod McCall (65)
An SARS (reciever of revenue) appointed representative stopped at a farm in the platteland and talked with an old Afrikaans farmer.
"I am Thabo Ndhlovu from the Department of SARS and I need to inspect your farm."
"Ja meneer, of course, maar asseblief . . . just stay out of that field over there."
"Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any land. No questions asked or answered. This is the new South Africa.
Have I made myself clear? Do-you-un-der-stand?"
"Ja! Toe maar." nodded the old farmer politely as he went about his farm chores.
Inevitably, a little later, the old farmer heard the loud screams he'd anticipated and saw the SARS Representative running for the fence in the field close by, and equally inevitable, not too far behind was the farmer's huge prize Afrikaner bull, gaining on the terrified SARS Representative with every step.
Of course the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted encouragement to the SARS Representative . . .
"Your card! Your card, meneer! Show him your card!"
"I am Thabo Ndhlovu from the Department of SARS and I need to inspect your farm."
"Ja meneer, of course, maar asseblief . . . just stay out of that field over there."
"Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any land. No questions asked or answered. This is the new South Africa.
Have I made myself clear? Do-you-un-der-stand?"
"Ja! Toe maar." nodded the old farmer politely as he went about his farm chores.
Inevitably, a little later, the old farmer heard the loud screams he'd anticipated and saw the SARS Representative running for the fence in the field close by, and equally inevitable, not too far behind was the farmer's huge prize Afrikaner bull, gaining on the terrified SARS Representative with every step.
Of course the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted encouragement to the SARS Representative . . .
"Your card! Your card, meneer! Show him your card!"
spectator
Bob Davidson (42)
Hello, is this the police?"
Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.
The phone rings at Rangi's house.
"Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yeah."
"Happy Birthday bro!"
Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.
The phone rings at Rangi's house.
"Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yeah."
"Happy Birthday bro!"
M
Mad Mozzie
Guest
Hitlers New Bike
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=qv6hoGgGVcM
Not intelligent enough to add like Jury.....
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=qv6hoGgGVcM
Not intelligent enough to add like Jury.....