Jokes!

[PaarlBok]

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



GAUTENG:

When you rearrange the letters:

GET A GUN


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

 

[PaarlBok]

1. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means
'Without Information Fighting everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'


2. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

3. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and
confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over there is also my son, that's confidential!'


4. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'

 

[PaarlBok]

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.

 

[spectator]

1. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means
'Without Information Fighting everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

The less PC version is "Washing, Ironing, Fu@#ing Etc"

 

[PaarlBok]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to
the girl?s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He
then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, ?You must be a dentist..?

The guy, surprised, says ?Yes?.how did you figure that out??

?Easy,? she replied, ?you keep washing your hands.?

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl
says,?You must be a good dentist.?

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, ?Sure, I?m a good dentist, how did you
figure that out??

?Didn?t feel a thing.?

 

[Pfitzy]

Just heard a new joke:

Australian Cricket.

Boom boom. Thengyew I'm here all week. Try the veal.

 

[Jury]

I got told this one by a mate. It's so lame, it's funny:

What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop -BANG- clippity, clop, clippity, clop, clippity clop?

An Amish drive by shooting ...

 

[PaarlBok]

One for the Golfers
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse And asked, "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your Stance is too wide."

 

[PaarlBok]

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc? got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

 

[PaarlBok]

Official sources state that RUGBY takes it's origins from a day way back in 1823 when one William Webb ELLIS picked up the ball and ran with it during a poofball (OK, football, if you prefer!) match at Rugby school in England. Like all good stories, tales and jokes, this is good to know and remember, but believe me, it's the biggest lot of nonsense since man started scribbling on cave walls. There are quite a few facts to disprove this outrageous claim:

1) We all know in poofball ELLIS would immediately have received a red card for handling the ball, and that would have been end of story.

2) It is unimaginable that a noble sport like RUGBY could have originated from a non-sport like poofball. I personally think this is a scheme from poofball to lend credibility to their 'sport'.

3) There's been ample evidence in recent times that no-one in England ever runs with the ball.

4) No-one has ever proved that RUGBY is being played in Rugby. In fact, no-one has ever proved that RUGBY is being played in ENGLAND, for that matter!

5) Anyone knowing anything about RUGBY knows that the only ELLIS ever to have played the game, was JAN ELLIS of South Africa.

With that laughable theory now discarded, you can believe me and my reverend that RUGBY has decended upon us from heaven. According to the good reverend, the name RUGBY comes from the ancient Hewbrew term RA-UGH-BEY, which means 'Hooligans game for Gentlemen'.

 

[Moses]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend And I had been dating for over a year, and so we Decided to get married. There was only one Little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful Younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very Tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She Would regularly bend down when she was near Me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to Be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was Near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to Come over to check the wedding invitations. She was Alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she Had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't Overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if You want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go Up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned And made a beeline straight to the front door. I Opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing Outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and Said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better Man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:










Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[PaarlBok]

Van has a Petrol station in Pofadder and was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with every Fill-Up."

Soon Koos pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

Van told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

Koos guessed 8 and Van said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Koos along with his buddy Frikkie, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

Van again asked him to guess the correct number. He guessed 2 this time. Van said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Koos said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Frikkie replied, "Nooooit, it are not rigged. My wife won twice last week."

 

[PaarlBok]

The village idiot goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Gatiep said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

Gatiep replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Gatiep. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Gatiep looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

 

[PaarlBok]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely..

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system..

 

[Lindommer]

The right fights back! Heard an address by this character, Sir Murray Rivers QC (Quade Cooper), on the radio this afternoon, it's hilarious. http://www.saxton.com.au/default.asp?sd8=2009

 

[PaarlBok]

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

 

[RugbyReg]

Hmmm, they've just released extracts of Josef Fritzl's daughter's diary

Monday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Tuesday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Wednesday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Thursday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Friday: Got out, went to local bar, watch Queensland Reds play, wish I stayed home.

 

[PaarlBok]

The difficulty of being bilingual
A Boer goes to see an English speaking lawyer in order to start divorce proceedings.
The lawyer asks him, "May I help you?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I would like to have a divorce."
The lawyer asks him, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I got 600 hektyres."
The lawyer says, "Sir, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?
The Boer says, "Ja. Of course I got a suit. I whore it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer says, "Ahmm. No, what I mean sir, is, do you have a case?"
The Boer says proudly, "Now let me tell you, that are not good trackers. I got two John Deeres."
The lawyer is beginning to sweat. "Sir. Do you have a grudge?"
The Boer's also a bit irritated by now. "Ja. I of course I got a grudge. That's where I park the bakkie."
The lawyer, sighing, asks, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The Boer says, "No, we both get up at 04:30."
By now the lawyer is getting really frustrated, but tries one last question. "Does your wife nag? Is she a nagger?"
The Boer says, "No, SHE'S white. But our last child is a nagger. That's why I wants to get a divorce."

 

[Crucial]

Hmmm, they've just released extracts of Josef Fritzl's daughter's diary

Monday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Tuesday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Wednesday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Thursday: Stuck at home - raped by dad
Friday: Got out, went to local bar, watch Queensland Reds play, wish I stayed home.

Noddy,

I had to register and wait two days just so I could laugh at that one. :lmao:

 

[Lindommer]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think it's time I made a confession. Before we married I was a hooker for 8 years." The husband ponders this for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says "My love, you've been a perfect wife for ten years, I can't hold your past against you. In fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?"

She replies "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales." :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: