I've been avoiding getting involved here, yet here I am.
Firstly, for those of you that don't already know, depression manifests itself in different people in different ways. It can also manifest itself in the same individual in different ways over time. These are important facts to understand.
I speak from experience when I say, dealing with depression is hard for so many reasons. Here's some things I have learned:
- The feeling of worthlessness affects almost everything a person knows, understands, thinks and is willing to do about their illness. In order to fix something, it's generally got to be worth fixing right?;
- The level of worthlessness one feels is unique to them. But, it is common for one to feel completely worthless but then compare themselves to fanciful perceptions of others who are 'probably feeling more shit' thereby completely invalidating their own feelings of worthlessness. The result being, they feel more worthless than before. In other words, it's a classic downward spiral;
- It was true that the more awareness that depression gains, the better for sufferers. The stigma around talking about it falls away slowly. The truth for me though, is that sometime ago, it started becoming (in an awareness sense) "mainstream" and the people I used to talk to about my suffering (including professionals) started becoming more ambivalent towards it. We still don't know how to deal with people with depression and now they seem to be everywhere so it's all becoming a bit too hard. Cynicism started creeping in;
- I am certain that some people use depression, whether they have it or not, as an excuse for various actions;
I have been dealing with my own issues in varying degrees, for longer than I can remember. I have had moments of triumph and I have moments where I have begun to plan my own demise. At times, I have felt on top of the disease, like I am well on my way to being free of it. Then it seemingly evolves. I keep dealing with the old version of it, while the new and improved version grows. When it comes to the surface, this is the most terrifying stage for me. This is where the arse falls out of my universe and I free fall.
At times when I am literally questioning my own worth, to hear or read others cynical views on the topic, reinforces my view that I am indeed probably worthless. I don't think I'm worth fixing and neither does this random person on the internet either so it must be true. This is not sarcasm, it's how it goes for me. Those that love me, tell me that because they have to, this weirdo on the internet though, he has no reason to lie. Do you see how that could happen?
Anyway, I should stress, I'm in a good place now and have been for a while. I'm safe and supported. I didn't write this for attention or sympathy, but without explaining honestly, how I feel at times, it would be hard for someone without depression to properly grasp what I and others deal with.
I understand why people get cynical about this issue. I don't understand though, why they can't be quietly cynical about it though. It's not hard to say nothing if it's not productive. The risk to those that deserve the cynicism is nothing. The risk to those that don't deserve the cynicism though, could be catastrophic. Just something to think about.