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HELP NEEDED with daily news

Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by Gagger, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg: “I Like To Watch.”


    –USA Today–

    Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has today confessed that he enjoys watching all 2 billion of his “children” having a tug on the internet. “I watch through secretly installed backdoor data mining malware apps. I’m the only one who has the code key. Go fuck yourselves.”

    [IMG]
    “I like to watch.”
    –Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

    “Haha, come on though, I’m just kidding. I haven’t watched ALL of my children having a tug” chided the billionaire CEO. “Don’t be silly, there’s simply not enough hours in the day for that. In fact, I’d say I’ve barely seen even half of the 2 billion wankers extraditing the ol’ plaintiff. Badgering the witness. Call it what you will.”

    [IMG]
    “Excuse me but I just popped over to say that I saw you on the internet having a tug. Just wanted to catch up with you and say congratulations on the MASSIVE wang. Big fan here.”
    yourmatesam and cyclopath like this.
  2. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Local Resident Furious Over Sea View

    –New Zealand Herald–

    A local Auckland resident is said to be furious over their “stupid” sea view. “The trees are too short to block off that revolting view of the waterway. All that wet, drippy water. It makes me seasick just to look at it. And God only knows how deep all that wet rubbish is, or what dangers are lurking beneath the surface. Even just seeing the undulating tide makes me feel discombobulated and queasy with fear and horror. And what if a tidal wave rumbles in and there are no trees to shield my eyes from the unfolding horror happening right before my very eyes? The trauma on my psyche, to witness firsthand such a epochal, destructive episode would be catastrophic. It would take me years and years and years of psychiatric therapy to recover my sane mental equilibrium.”

    [IMG]
    The potentially-traumatising view in question.

    “I have lodged many, many compaints with my local council” continued the irate resident. “I have pleaded with them to please, please, please plant some bigger trees to block the view, for the sake of my mental wellbeing. Or even erect some sort of enormous concrete wall right in front of my house, completely blocking the ocean view. That would be fabulous and it would seem to be the humane thing to do. But no. My desperate pleas have been met with a wall of stony silence from the selfish, vicious, scenery nazis that staff the local council. And Good God, while I’m here, don’t even get me started on my garden. It’s like Day Of The Bloody Triffids out there.”

    [IMG]
    The tropical nightmare garden in question.

    “The little wall down there serves a valiant purpose, stopping the wild undergrowth from encroaching upon the poor defenseless grass lawn, but it’s a never-ending bloody battle. It’s like Borneo getting bum raped up the arse by Burma out there. My numerous requests to the local council for permission to burn this wild undergrowth with a combination of liquid petrol and fire have all been ignored. Good grief, how can I live like this.

    “And my actual room? Oh God. The sun streaming in at all hours of the day sends me half sunblind. And when I can finally pry my eyes open wide enough to see outside, hello, the whole place is sprouting all those stupid little jungle Bonito banana plants or whatever they hell are. And don’t get me started on that enormous banana tree or whatever it is over there in the foreground of this shot. For God’s sake, if I want to eat a banana I will make my way to the supermarket down the road and purchase a banana through the established vendor channels located within said establishment, thank you very much.”

    [IMG]
    In the background, the glass-based panels in question that could potentially cause sunstroke or, possibly, sunblind-derived eye paralysis.

    In the foreground, some sort of terrifying wild jungle banana black market enterprise.
    cyclopath likes this.
  3. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Wollongong Man Sought For Questioning Over Permitless Gravedigger.

    –Wollongong Gazette–

    Local man Mr Trevor Gunston is being sought for questioning over his operation of a homemade gravedigging machine. The apparatus is assembled entirely from parts believed to have been stolen from Wollongong’s seven Home Centre branches over the course of the last 10 months.

    The machine (pictured below) weighs 400 million tonnes and can dig graves at the rate of 280,000 an hour.

    [IMG]
    “At that rate I can bury every c**t in this shithole town in under ten fucken minutes…”
    –Mr Gunston, overheard mumbling as he wandered around the enormous apparatii in search of the machine’s cockpit.

    While attempting to cross State Highway 12 (above), Mr Gunston was overheard shouting down to irate motorists from his tiny cockpit “alright, alright, stop honking, you ugly wankers, I can’t find 2nd fucken gear on this thing. What? Eh? Virus? What fucken virus?”

    [IMG]

    When ordered down from the vehicle by local law enforcement agencies, Mr Gunston responded “Come down? Get fucked. It took me three fucken hours to find this fucken cockpit. Three fucken hours! Walked all over this fat fucken c**t looking for this stupid little drivers cab, I did. Come down? Fuck off you litt…” whereupon a hail of empty Victoria Bitter 4.5 litre containers rained down upon the officers.

    [IMG]

    Similar to the chimes played by an ice cream truck as it makes it’s rounds, Mr Gunston broadcasts a tape over a loudspeaker while piloting his enormous machine. The lyrics are as follows:

    “Bring out your dead.
    “Bring out your dead.
    “Bring out your dead.
    “YOU C**TS!”

    [IMG]

    Civil Defense authorities were aghast to learn that Mr Gunston’s only means of navigating his giant craft was to ask his pet budgerigar, Morris, who was seated next to him in the cockpit, which way to go. “Where to now, me little chipper?” Gunston was overheard to remark on more than one occasion. “I’ll tell ya Morry, we’re off to dig some graves me old mate, bury some of these c**ts good and fucken proper. Although fucked if I know what that bloke was yelling at me about a fucken virus or some shit…”
    yourmatesam and cyclopath like this.
  4. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    World’s Richest Person Sends Out “Tone-Deaf” Social Media Message

    –Forbes Magazine-

    The world’s richest person, Aunty Doris Gunston of Wollongong, spraguedawley.com/the-15-richest-people-of-all-time/ has been roundly castigated on social media for sending out what was, according to billions and billions of twitter, instagram and facebook users worldwide, the vast majority of whom are now facing unemployment, destitution or possibly death due to the global Coronavirus pandemic, “quite possibly the most tone-deaf social media message in the entire history of the medium.”

    Aunty Doris, who made her billions in oil, has, according to social media watchdogs, “completely failed to read the air and totally shat right directly down the goddamned fucking throats of the entire 99%”.

    Following is a transcript of the message in full;

    [IMG]

    “Hello, dearies. I hope you all managed to offload your fucking stock before the stupid fucking economy crashed the other week. What a shit show. Luckily, I dumped 8 trillion of my shares in pangolin ovary perfumery just before it all went tits up. Ching ching, motherfuckers.

    “To my friends in China. I hope this slight blip in the world’s economy will not interfere with your pre-scheduled production of that delicious pangolin bat cock broth we here at Gunston Bat Cock Industries have invested so heavily in recently. You know how I hate to brag but that latest recipe I sent you for it REALLY hit the sweet spot! So spicy it actually made me feel a bit flushed in the cheeks and forehead! It was as if I had a mild fever or something!

    “To my friends in Africa. I hope you have stocked up on enough candied urinal cakes I mean delicious snacks to last you through the fucken lockdown or quarantine or whatever the fuck the situation is over there in ooga booga land. By the way, no defaulting on previously negotiated snack shipment payments you jungle-cocked c**ts. A contract is a contract.

    “To everyone else worldwide; how are your hills of gold? My fuckers in the backyard are starting to lose their lustre. The help have completely given up coming around to polish the fucken things. I look out the window at my 5 or 6 dozen wee 3 metre-high monuments to hard work and they’re reduced to a dull gleam without their daily polishing. It’s really quite sad. You just can’t get good help these days. I rang the agency and some crying slag shrieked something about it being ‘flu season’ or some bullshit. Fine then, forfeit your $3.80 an hour, be my guests, shitheads.”

    Righto.

    -Aunty Doris.


    [IMG]
  5. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Guy Who Ate Bat Complains To Doctor of “Indigestion”.

    –Wuhan Times-

    A local man has presented at a Wuhan ICU in China asking for “something for his indigestion” after he ate some bat wanger soup “last December”.

    [IMG]
    “Yeah Doc, feeling a bit gassy.”
    –the guy who ate the bat.

    “Hey Doc, felt a bit burpy from that bat dick soup I ate in December, what you got for me?”
    “It was you?? That was in December? It’s April now, why did you wait 4 months then come to a hospital?”
    “There is a HELL of a queue to get into the goddamn hospitals. There’s pricks dropping dead in the fucken hallways all over the place. What the fuck is going on around here anyway? Ahh, stuff it, not my concern. If you could just prescribe some antacids in case my next bat soup dinner leaves me feeling a bit gassy then I’ll be on my way thanks c**t.”
    cyclopath likes this.
  6. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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  7. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Local Woman's Thigh Gap Issues

    --USA Today--

    A local woman has idiotically glued her towels to her thighs in the hope of achieving a more alluring thigh gap. "That is how thigh gaps work, isn't it?" said the slightly dopey woman.

    "Oh yeah, I've got a thigh gap now" confirmed the local woman. "But I have to walk around like a waddling constipated idiot due to these fucken towels being glued to my thighs. But, on the bright side I do now have a thigh gap. Unfortunately, the fucken thing is about half-a-fucken foot wide. I don't know how wide thigh gaps are meant to be? I have a really fucken wide one."

    [IMG]
    "I now have to sleep in this idiotic position like a complete fucken lunatic."
    --local woman with big fucken thigh gap.

    "I popped in to my local plastic surgeon to enquire about 'corrective thigh gap surgery'" continued the woman "but when the doctor saw that I just wanted him to remove these towels that I'd glued to my thighs he immediately started laughing his arse off and he actually died of a heart attack right there on the spot. So if anyone could possibly recommend a serious-minded plastic surgeon that'd be great."

    cyclopath likes this.
  8. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    WHO Director Grilled Over Unhealthy Physical Appearance.

    --Times--

    At a press conference today, the Director of the WHO has been forced to go on the defensive over his deeply unhealthy physical appearance.

    [IMG]

    "What's the story with your fucken teeth mate? They look like the teeth of a 5-year old sprog who smokes 2 packs a fucken day and grew up in Chernobyl."

    "Please, let's not make this about my physical appearance. We are today facing a global pa

    "Your eyes, mate. Looking a bit rheumy there. Have you got rubella? Or are you just a massive fucken pisshead? Grog is unhealthy. Bad for the liver buddy."

    "You're a 2-packs-a-day man aren't you? You gotta cut down on the fucken smokes mate, those things will fucken kill you. Not bloody healthy."

    "Are you the healthiest bastard they could find to wheel out to front the fucken World Health Organisation? Bugger me, may as well send out Ozzy Osbourne as spokesman for the fucken pope."

    "Those bags under your eyes, mate. How much sleep do you get, about 8 or 9 minutes a night?"

    "Mate, have you ever been outside? Like, out into direct sunlight? You look anaemic as shit with possible iron and vitamin D deficiencies."

    "You're a bit overweight, buddy. Maybe lay off the pies and ramen and fucken sausies. That shit is all fairly fucken unhealthy, Mr Director of the World Health Organisation."

    "Fine then, fuckya, I quit, fuckyuz all. I'm off back to the fucken pub for a pint, a puff, and a pie or three. Fucken wankers."

  9. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Local Man Misunderstands Meaning of "Bibliophile".

    --RST--

    A local man has today taken grave offense at being labelled a "bibliophile".

    [IMG]
    "You fucking cnut. Are you insinuating that I
    root underage bibles? You fucken dickhead."

    "I am gravely offended at your accusation" continued the local man, Mr Bruce Saint. "All of the bibles I root are well above the age of consent. Unbelievable. You can't just glance at some cnuts massive collection of grot mags and call them a "bibliophile"? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucken rude bastard. Last grot mag I'm fucken lending you."
    cyclopath likes this.
  10. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Local Envoy Completely Misunderstands Meaning of "AIDS Activist".

    --Japan Times--

    The local envoy for the Tokyo Consulate, Dr Bruce Saint of Wollongong, Australia has today completely misunderstood the meaning of the term "AIDS Activist".

    [IMG]
    "Why you wanna activate all that fucken
    AIDS bullshit again? You'd be a stupid cnut."
    --Dr Bruce Saint.

    "That AIDS shit was fucken dangerous back in the day you dickhead" continued Dr Saint. "We got enough fucken problems right now with all this Corona virus bullshit and here you fucken go, trying to activate fucken AIDS again. The fuck is wrong with you ya fucken drongo? Last thing we need, fucken AIDS activated in the community again. You're like a fucken terrorist mate. A fucken eco-bio terrorist or some shit. You got some fucken AIDS in some little vials you want to biff around the airport or something? Why you so butthurt your precious AIDS is suddenly not in the spotlight? Fucken dickhead. Fuck off with your pro-AIDS campaign bullshit."

    yourmatesam, Pfitzy and cyclopath like this.

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