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All-Time Crim 1st XV

Rugbynutter39

Rugbynutter39

Michael Lynagh (62)
Dismal Pillock said:
www.stuff.co.nz

Former All Black Zac Guildford sentenced on fraud charges totalling $100,000

The troubled ex rugby star illegally accessed his grandfather's online banking nine times, and then convinced a friend to fund bogus legal costs.
www.stuff.co.nz www.stuff.co.nz

Congratulations, numbskull. Through sheer persistence and repeated offenses you have forced your way into the starting XV.
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Come on dismal Blake Ferguson at least deserves a bench spot as almost the fastest to screw up after the ink not even dry on his contract. Surely he deserves honourable mention status.
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Steve Williams (59)
Rugbynutter39 said:
Come on dismal Blake Ferguson at least deserves a bench spot as almost the fastest to screw up after the ink not even dry on his contract. Surely he deserves honourable mention status.
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haha, surely some sort of "Official International Ambassador to Japan" position in the offing.



ps, selectors have taken the extraordinary step of issuing a statement on "Guilty Guildford".....
"We the selectors are in awe of this young man's consistent application to fucking up not only his own life but also all the lives of those who come into contact with him or even those who try to help him such as his immediate family.

Week in, week out, he just keeps plumbing the depths of human behaviour with thievery, violence, drunk and disorderly, assault, battery, drunk driving, punching ladies in the face, more drunk and disorderly, more battery, yes, there can be no denying this recalcitrant recidivist is an absolutely legendary all-rounder in the Alltime Crim 1st XV scumbag stakes".
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Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Steve Williams (59)
"Your honour, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing. By the way, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing and then I ran out of money so I stole all my grandad's money. Also, my father died and that caused all my problems"
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".
 
waiopehu oldboy

waiopehu oldboy

Phil Waugh (73)
Dismal Pillock said:
"Your honour, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing. By the way, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing and then I ran out of money so I stole all my grandad's money. Also, my father died and that caused all my problems"
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".
Click to expand...

Now playing the "I've just been diagnosed with ADHD" card.
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Steve Williams (59)
"Mr Guildford, why did you steal that blind crippled orphan child's lunch money then push her down the well?"
"Oh, sorry your honour, my ADHD was on the fritz that day. Also my father died"
"Oh ok case dismissed, go All Blacks".
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Steve Williams (59)
2025:

"Mr Guildford, you stand before the court charged with defrauding The Crippled Blind Orphan Children's Fund of NZ of $8, how do you plead?"
"ADHD, Aspergers, Tourettes, Alzheimers, gout, gangrene, leprosy, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Dead Dad Syndrome, ingrown toenails, tetanus, MS, NSA, NBA, NFL, ..."
"Oh just fuck off will you."
 
Rugbynutter39

Rugbynutter39

Michael Lynagh (62)
I think dismal you seem to be wanting to make the case for Zac Guildford to be hall of fame nomination for all time crim xv….personally think he needs to up his game as never had the stand out performances others have had…serially stupid yes but not the all time standouts
 
zer0

zer0

Ken Catchpole (46)
Sure he doesn't have the absolute highs of being a bona fide axe murderer, but his sheer dedication to the art of dickheadery deserves consideration imo. A bit like a Matt Hodgson or Luke Whitelock; doesn't have the natural skills of others in his field but is an honest, diligent, hard working toiler of his trade.
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Steve Williams (59)
zer0 said:
Sure he doesn't have the absolute highs of being a bona fide axe murderer, but his sheer dedication to the art of dickheadery deserves consideration imo.
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Zac Guildford is absolutely the Alltime Crim 1st XV's most persistent offender. He really knows how to get the selectors attention. Consistently persistently offensive.

However, yes, if he wants to compete with the big boys, he does have a few work-ons.

Let's Review his work-ons;

* axe murdering
* gun murdering
* gun murdering own family members
* the R Word.
* interfering with children
* abductions
* abductions with a view to murdering
* being Byron Kelleher
 
Rugbynutter39

Rugbynutter39

Michael Lynagh (62)
Dismal Pillock said:
Zac Guildford is absolutely the Alltime Crim 1st XV's most persistent offender. He really knows how to get the selectors attention. Consistently persistently offensive.

However, yes, if he wants to compete with the big boys, he does have a few work-ons.

Let's Review his work-ons;

* axe murdering
* gun murdering
* gun murdering own family members
* the R Word.
* interfering with children
* abductions
* abductions with a view to murdering
* being Byron Kelleher
Click to expand...
Maybe he needs to get a mentor…few good candidates there.
 
Drew

Drew

John Solomon (38)
Is pitch invasion a crime? Surely Jarvo 69 could at least line up for the anthems and pretend to be part of the team. Actually if someone convinces him it’d be funny to crash the haka, you could recruit a few ABs after he gets kicked to death.
 
waiopehu oldboy

waiopehu oldboy

Phil Waugh (73)
^ holy shit that's some scar the little bloke's gunna have, hope he's OK.

Wallabies are considered an introduced pest species here in NZ & can be pretty much shot on sight...
 
Drew

Drew

John Solomon (38)
Without making light of the poor kids ordeal, which sounds (and looks) horrific.
But in the spirit of this thread I’d suggest the youngest member of the teams job is being responsible for a vicious wallaby “mascot” like current Wobs touring parties do with Wally the Wallaby
 
Drew

Drew

John Solomon (38)
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