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All-Time Crim 1st XV

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
"Your honour, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing. By the way, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing and then I ran out of money so I stole all my grandad's money. Also, my father died and that caused all my problems"
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."

"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".
 

waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
"Your honour, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing. By the way, my father died and that caused all my problems".
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."
"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".


"Your honour, I got drunk and don't recall a thing and then I ran out of money so I stole all my grandad's money. Also, my father died and that caused all my problems"
"OMG are you Zac Guildford? Could you please sign my gavel?"
"Sure."

"Thanks a lot, big All Black fan here. You're free to go now".

Now playing the "I've just been diagnosed with ADHD" card.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
"Mr Guildford, why did you steal that blind crippled orphan child's lunch money then push her down the well?"
"Oh, sorry your honour, my ADHD was on the fritz that day. Also my father died"
"Oh ok case dismissed, go All Blacks".
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
2025:

"Mr Guildford, you stand before the court charged with defrauding The Crippled Blind Orphan Children's Fund of NZ of $8, how do you plead?"

"ADHD, Aspergers, Tourettes, Alzheimers, gout, gangrene, leprosy, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Dead Dad Syndrome, ingrown toenails, tetanus, MS, NSA, NBA, NFL, ..."
"Oh just fuck off will you."
 

Rugbynutter39

Michael Lynagh (62)
I think dismal you seem to be wanting to make the case for Zac Guildford to be hall of fame nomination for all time crim xv….personally think he needs to up his game as never had the stand out performances others have had…serially stupid yes but not the all time standouts
 

zer0

Jim Lenehan (48)
Sure he doesn't have the absolute highs of being a bona fide axe murderer, but his sheer dedication to the art of dickheadery deserves consideration imo. A bit like a Matt Hodgson or Luke Whitelock; doesn't have the natural skills of others in his field but is an honest, diligent, hard working toiler of his trade.
 

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
Sure he doesn't have the absolute highs of being a bona fide axe murderer, but his sheer dedication to the art of dickheadery deserves consideration imo.
Zac Guildford is absolutely the Alltime Crim 1st XV's most persistent offender. He really knows how to get the selectors attention. Consistently persistently offensive.

However, yes, if he wants to compete with the big boys, he does have a few work-ons.

Let's Review his work-ons;

* axe murdering
* gun murdering
* gun murdering own family members
* the R Word.
* interfering with children
* abductions
* abductions with a view to murdering
* being Byron Kelleher
 

Rugbynutter39

Michael Lynagh (62)
Zac Guildford is absolutely the Alltime Crim 1st XV's most persistent offender. He really knows how to get the selectors attention. Consistently persistently offensive.

However, yes, if he wants to compete with the big boys, he does have a few work-ons.

Let's Review his work-ons;

* axe murdering
* gun murdering
* gun murdering own family members
* the R Word.
* interfering with children
* abductions
* abductions with a view to murdering
* being Byron Kelleher
Maybe he needs to get a mentor…few good candidates there.
 

Drew

Bob Davidson (42)
Is pitch invasion a crime? Surely Jarvo 69 could at least line up for the anthems and pretend to be part of the team. Actually if someone convinces him it’d be funny to crash the haka, you could recruit a few ABs after he gets kicked to death.
 

waiopehu oldboy

Stirling Mortlock (74)
^ holy shit that's some scar the little bloke's gunna have, hope he's OK.

Wallabies are considered an introduced pest species here in NZ & can be pretty much shot on sight...
 

Drew

Bob Davidson (42)
Without making light of the poor kids ordeal, which sounds (and looks) horrific.
But in the spirit of this thread I’d suggest the youngest member of the teams job is being responsible for a vicious wallaby “mascot” like current Wobs touring parties do with Wally the Wallaby
 

Drew

Bob Davidson (42)

Dismal Pillock

Simon Poidevin (60)
breaking a TV screen and swearing
To be fair to the lad, some of those headphone jacks on the sides of the armrests can be quite difficult to find.

Statement issued by the selectors:

Mr Jantjes, we thank you for taking your first steps towards representing The Alltime Crim 1st XV.

However, you do have a LOT of work-ons if you are going to foot it with the rapists and murderers in the 1st XV. A bit of f-ing and blinding in business class isnt exactly murdering the whole cabin crew with an axe is it Elton?

DO BETTER.

BY BETTER, WE MEAN WORSE.

SHOW SOME COMMITTMENT.

COMMIT MURDER.

KILL THEM ALL.


Regards,

--Aunty Doris Gunston.
 

Drew

Bob Davidson (42)
Same path as JOC (James O'Connor), acted a goose on a flight, then he started on his work ons, but weather his heart wasn’t in it or he lacked ability, he never kicked on. Maybe Jantjes will be made of sterner stuff
 
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