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All-Time Crim 1st XV

Discussion in 'Rugby Discussion' started by Dismal Pillock, Jan 19, 2015.

  1. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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  2. Tex Ken Catchpole (46)

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    DP we might need to expand the squad to include a Possibles and Probables XVs, just to ensure each creep and murderer gets a fair crack at final selection.

    Off-field management and coaching staff can stay as is but I'm worried about quality candidates being shaded.
    ruggy and Dismal Pillock like this.
  3. Braveheart81 Rocky Elsom (76)

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    Or have one of the teams strictly for white collar crimes. This being rugby, that will be a more illustrious team to make than the team with the rapists and murderers.
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  4. Tex Ken Catchpole (46)

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    The Axemen vs the Taxmen
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  5. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    As Chief Commissioner I delegated The Selectors to confiscate Raewyn the babysitter's bong for long enough for her to hammer out the spreadsheet for the upcoming Taxmen vs Axemen fixture.

    Yeah, that's not happening.

    [IMG]
    "...and THAT'S for the fucken bong."

    Anyway, turns out there7s only TWO taxmen in the current match day XXIII. Shit-for-brains Matthew Ridge on the bench and evil bastard Glen Ella at fullback.

    Raewyn did eventually highlight the taxmen in blue and the sex crims in red. No, I don't think we should call them "The Sexmen."

    1 Parmeet Dabas: murdered 3
    2 Henry Tromp: killing a farm worker
    3 Bees Roux: cop killer
    4 Rudi Virage: shot and killed his 19 yo daughter.
    5 Michael Quinn ©. Melbourne Chargers. Kiddie fucker. He won’t even survive the first ruck.
    6 Pita Wilson: kidnapping and assault
    7 Joseph Ntshongwana: killed 3 with an axe
    8 Marc Cecillon: performing the eternal willie-away on own wife
    9 B.Kelleher: drunk and disorderly + innumerable crimes, many of them against All Black heritage. VICE Captain (haha, "Vice", get it, that's even worse than being regular captain of these arseclowns)
    10 Paddy Jackson: rape
    11 Eric Rush: careless driving causing death and injury
    12 Japie Mulder: teen rape
    13 Craig Wells. raping children.
    14 Alejandro Puccio. triple kidnap/murderer
    15 Glen Ella: nicking 20 million from kids charity

    Bench

    Tim Bristow: Banned from rugby for life in 1962 for knocking out 8 opposing players.
    James Dalton: attempted murder
    Carl Hayman: wifebeater
    Sione Luaaki: trashing motel room/charged in with assault at a Tron bar/charged for careless driving and crashing/guilty of dropping 5 passes in one half of test match rugby football while playing for the New Zealand All Blacks.
    Mark Catchpole: busted for dealing drugs. 9 months P.D
    Stuart Olding: rape
    John Payne: crippling someone in a bar fight.
    Matthew Ridge: property development company went bust owing tradies & suppliers millions


    Wider training group

    Andrew Hore: killing seals
    Lorenzo Bocchini: breaking bad meth cook
    Tony Woodcock: drink driving
    Keith Murdock: punching a pom in 1862 and maybe killing some bloke in the outback
    Ali Williams: coke bust and general gormlessness.
    Dillan Halaholo: sustained carpark wanking. Doing it for the kids.
    R.Brooke (trying to root some kid up in the islands or something?)
    Scott Higginbotham: assaulting cops
    mafi: kidnapping
    Willie Anderson: nicked a flag on tour in Argentina. Think bigger, Willie.
    George Smith: charged with assault
    Cliff Palu: weekend detention for assault.
    Matt Henjak: broke Haig Sare's jaw
    Jimmy Cowan: assaulting 2 bouncers. Plus stuffing up Auckland Blues backline for a season
    Doug Rolleson, pokie machine money fraud: not for personal gain hence no jail
    W.Ripia: looting own team dressing room haha.
    Steve Pokere, helping fleece his fellow Mormons of $3.9M, 2 1/2 years jail.
    John Ryan: busted for an attempted armed hold-up.
    Regan King: borrowing chicks $$ to fuel gambling addiction
    Brian Lima GBH
    Losi Filipo: bashing up four, 2 of them women.
    G.Moala: bashing people up on K Rd.
    James O'Connor: cock I mean coke bust. (VERY handy bench option here, covers fullback, wing, the whole fucken backline. get set for a long tenure here, shit-for-brains)
    Mitchell Scott: convicted of assault
    Sevu Reece: bashing up his missus
    Sivivatu: domestic violence against his girlfriend/wife
    Cameron Shepherd: jumping on parked cars outside the Star Casino. Needs to find more cars. A lot more cars. And maybe another casino.
    Roger Randle: suspected rape
    Doug Howlett: jumping on cars post world cup exit
    Khunt: distributing cocaine and not offering me any at all.
    Zac Guildford (naked pissing and beating up an old bloke in Rarotonga)
    Wendell Sailor: failed drug test for cocaine banned for 2 years
    Yamanaka: failed roid test, banned for 2 years 2011-2013. Bonus points for saying he was "just trying to grow a moustache"


    tHE sTAFF

    Selectors:
    Aunty Doris
    Aunty Raewyn from up the shops
    her niece
    Raewyn the babysitter
    the baby
    a very confused Wayne Gunston



    Official Team Mascot:
    Nick Phipps in a cow costume

    Coach:
    Rob Howley: gamblin


    Laptop analysis:
    Quade Cooper - computer theft

    Team Masseuse:
    Alan Jones – public bogs gay sex solicitation

    Video Analysis:
    Alan Jones – re; bogs film at 11

    Treasurers:
    Nick Farr Jones and Rob Howley

    Security:
    Doug Roake: murder, robbery. although no deaths under his watch at Richie’s wedding. Well done, shithead.

    Team Bus Driver:
    Dan Carter – drunk driver

    Groundskeeper:
    Tony Daly - 500 hours community service for serial theft and driving offences

    Ballboys:
    Dave Alred and Paul Stridgeon (?)

    Equipment/ball maintenance consultants:
    David Warner
    Steve Smith
    Darren Lehmann
    a few shady backroom bastards from the New England Patriots.

    Physio, in charge of, you know, taping stuff:
    Cameron Bancroft

    Social Media manager:
    Israel Folau
    ruggy, formerflanker and Hound like this.
  6. swingpass Jim Lenehan (48)

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    surely Amanaki Mafi has done enough to be in the WTS, at least until the court case, after which he could come on to the bench.
    Dismal Pillock likes this.
  7. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    oh yeah, added that clown. He has a genuine shot at starting XV if convicted. Surely he will be. If not, I can still see him supplanting Lauaki on the bench as loosie forward slash loose unit.

    Just so bizarre that squeaky clean Japan have gone ahead and picked him despite him obviously being an utterly bonkers raving-mad psychopathic wackjob criminal. I'd only have to jaywalk to instantly get 10 consecutive guillotinings to the nutsack in the town square at high noon
  8. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Mark from Mexico named Richard who studies Dutch and supports the Georgian rugby team and the Canes and Footscray. #seems_legit
  9. Dan54 Paul McLean (56)

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    Shouldn't Stephen Bachop be in there for beating up his missus? She was a decent rugby player too.

    And perhaps Johan Le Roux could be do diets although not a crim he did enjoy chewing Fitzie's ear!!

    Norm Hewitt can be in charge of opening Dressing room doors, he didn't care which ones he kicked open when he was pissed!
    Dismal Pillock likes this.
  10. Hound Fred Wood (13)

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    Michael Cheika for what he has done to Australian Rugby - Could be an assistant coach - Sorry head coach as he doesn't want anyboby telling him what to do,
    swingpass likes this.
  11. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    [IMG]

    Best of order, best or order, sit DOWN you horrid rabble of thieving idiots, it's time for The Inaugural Alltime Crim 1st XV Annual Awards for 2019.

    Big thanks to Willie Ripia for stealing the awards banner for tonight from the Galaxy store. Good choice, dumbarse!

    We the selectors deliberated for hours and fucken hours behind closed doors for these awards so sit up and pay attention you shiftless degenerate dickheads.

    The 2019 award winners are as follows:

    Academic Achievement Award: not applicable.
    Newcomer of the Year: Israel Folau
    Community Service Award: Israel Folau
    Darwin's Medal For Abject Stupidity: Israel Folau
    Gunston Heavy Industries Inc Thumblocks Player of the Year: Israel Folau

    OH MY FUCKING GOD, Izzy won the whole lot! A clean sweep for everyone's favourite bird-brained religious extortionist and contortionist of religious paradigms! Come on down, shit-for-brains!

    [IMG]
    "Duhhh."
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  12. Tex Ken Catchpole (46)

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    Merry christmas to you and the sprawling sprague family, DP
  13. Tex Ken Catchpole (46)

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    Dismal Pillock likes this.
  14. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Come to think of it... what the hell was Izzy's crime? Clean sweep of all the awards and he's not really technically a criminal is he?

    Wow, Gregan, that is a find. What was his real crime though? Apart from being a capitalist bastard.

    Plenty of competition at halfback too, particularly given the selectors blind biased hatred towards the starting #9. Which really does need to be addressed. Catchpole, Henjak and Cowan getting the short end of the dickhead stick.
  15. brokendown Ron Walden (29)

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    henjak is a shoe-in for the richard cranium award
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  16. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    ruggy likes this.
  17. RugbyReg George Smith (75)

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  18. ruggy Allen Oxlade (6)

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  19. Teh Other Dave Trevor Allan (34)

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  20. Dismal Pillock John Hipwell (52)

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    Court dates:

    Mafi: Jan 27th
    George Gregan: Feb.


    ps given that they have only even heard of ONE of the players in the starting forward pack (Cecillon), The Selectors are now starting to wonder whether there should be some minimum-entry playing level to qualify? 1st class? Test level? Did those murderers and kidrooters in the forward pack ever amount to anything on the rugby field?

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