Local Resident Furious Over Sea View
–New Zealand Herald–
A local Auckland resident is said to be furious over their “stupid” sea view. “The trees are too short to block off that revolting view of the waterway. All that wet, drippy water. It makes me seasick just to look at it. And God only knows how deep all that wet rubbish is, or what dangers are lurking beneath the surface. Even just seeing the undulating tide makes me feel discombobulated and queasy with fear and horror. And what if a tidal wave rumbles in and there are no trees to shield my eyes from the unfolding horror happening right before my very eyes? The trauma on my psyche, to witness firsthand such a epochal, destructive episode would be catastrophic. It would take me years and years and years of psychiatric therapy to recover my sane mental equilibrium.”
The potentially-traumatising view in question.
“I have lodged many, many compaints with my local council” continued the irate resident. “I have pleaded with them to please, please, please plant some bigger trees to block the view, for the sake of my mental wellbeing. Or even erect some sort of enormous concrete wall right in front of my house, completely blocking the ocean view. That would be fabulous and it would seem to be the humane thing to do. But no. My desperate pleas have been met with a wall of stony silence from the selfish, vicious, scenery nazis that staff the local council. And Good God, while I’m here, don’t even get me started on my garden. It’s like Day Of The Bloody Triffids out there.”
The tropical nightmare garden in question.
“The little wall down there serves a valiant purpose, stopping the wild undergrowth from encroaching upon the poor defenseless grass lawn, but it’s a never-ending bloody battle. It’s like Borneo getting bum raped up the arse by Burma out there. My numerous requests to the local council for permission to burn this wild undergrowth with a combination of liquid petrol and fire have all been ignored. Good grief, how can I live like this.
“And my actual room? Oh God. The sun streaming in at all hours of the day sends me half sunblind. And when I can finally pry my eyes open wide enough to see outside, hello, the whole place is sprouting all those stupid little jungle Bonito banana plants or whatever they hell are. And don’t get me started on that enormous banana tree or whatever it is over there in the foreground of this shot. For God’s sake, if I want to eat a banana I will make my way to the supermarket down the road and purchase a banana through the established vendor channels located within said establishment, thank you very much.”
In the background, the glass-based panels in question that could potentially cause sunstroke or, possibly, sunblind-derived eye paralysis.
In the foreground, some sort of terrifying wild jungle banana black market enterprise.