AUSSIE CNUTS DESTROY PUB *
Brothers Wayne and Gene-O Gunston, from Woolloongong, Australia, have destroyed the historic Waikanae Hotel after getting "a bit pissed and a bit carried away" according to their Aunty Doris.
The brothers were contracted to rip up dome dodgy paving in the car park but after spending four hours drinking in the Sports Bar proceeded to quite literally bring the roof (and the walls) down.
Regulars Stan, Stan, Eric and Stan, pictured above and who had earlier told the Gunstons to "F**k off back to Woollongong" were startled when a corner of the Sports Bar roof was ripped off, then forced to run for their lives when the second excavator was driven through the foyer, over the pool table & skidded to a halt at the bar.
The driver is said to have leaned out of the cab and asked for "a f**king XXXX in a fresh glass, and a pash". The unidentified barman is said to have replied that "we don't serve that shite here & I've promised my boyfriend not to pash the patrons, especially the really drunk ones".
News of the disaster has filtered through to the Levin Cosmopolitan Club, about 35 km further North. A Club spokesman, on hearing the news, said "so where the f**k does the bus stop on the way back from Westpac Stadium now? For f**ks sake no one tell @Dan54 or @Waiopehu Oldboy, those f**kers will go mental".
The Gunstons were last seen stumbling up State Highway 1, with one overhead assuring the other that "this is f**king kiwi land, they're f**king pissheads like us so there's bound to be a f**king pub just up the road".
- Waikanae Aged Care Times
* Actually demolished to make way for a Park And Ride for the zillions of Waikanaeans who catch the train to Wellywood every day. But the previous owners were Strayan so IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. Great little pub, almost as good as the one Christian Cullen's parents used to have at Paekakariki before it got destroyed by the big flood in 2003.